Beach Reads Box Set

by Madden-Mills, Ilsa

  “Of course it does.”

  Minutes later, in an attempt for any conversation other than the suffocating silence, I leaned in to whisper, “I have a favor to ask.”

  “Sure.”

  “Can you look out for Disco?”

  She sniffed. “Of course.”

  “Thank you.”

  Agonizing seconds later, she finally spoke.

  “So,” she said as she took a deep breath. “I’m assuming you pulled this all together last minute to break it to me gently? Did a FaceTime with NASA to lasso the moon?”

  I chuckled though I was already aching. We stood wordlessly a moment longer as she clutched my arms.

  “I’ll be okay. I don’t want you to worry about me. I know Ella needs you.”

  “I know you will.”

  “You know I would live on your planet if I could.”

  I gripped her tighter to me. “The invitation stands.”

  “This sucks. Of all the beaches in the world, why did you have to have your breakdown on mine?”

  “I’m not at all sorry we happened.”

  She sniffed again. “Me either.”

  “Koti, look at me.”

  “I can’t. You can’t make promises and I swear to God, that’s all I want to hear from you right now so… just give me a minute.”

  “Okay.” That minute was agony as we felt the reality come crashing in through the dream we’d existed in for months. An eternity later, I turned her to face me and kissed her tear-stained cheeks.

  “You’re making breakfast due to the deliverance of shitty news.”

  “Deal.”

  I brushed the tears away from her eyes as she looked up at me.

  “Please be honest. Would you stay here with me if you could?”

  “Without a second thought.”

  She sniffed again before I took her lips.

  When we pulled away, she gave me a sad smile. “That’s good enough.”

  “Koti—”

  “There’s nothing to say. Not tonight.”

  I nodded.

  “Take me back to bed?”

  “Let’s go.”

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Ian

  I watched her sleep, tracing her skin with my fingers. She stirred slightly, her hair askew and then turned to face away from me. The pain that tiny move caused was unbearable. No part of me wanted to leave her. No part of me wanted the life that waited. I’d taken a job and sold my house to move into a rental. My future idle and dependent on Ella’s. Decisions had been made, life was in order, my daughter was waiting. I had to leave. Koti stirred, and again I was graced with the sight of her face. She slept restlessly most of the time, her beautiful form flailing at all hours of the night. I’d been on the receiving end of some seriously rough hours but had grown used to it over the months on my side of her bed. The only time she fully stilled was when she lay on my chest. I pulled her into my arms to give her more peaceful minutes of sleep and she went instantly lax. I whispered my apology while she slept.

  “What have I done to us? I’m so sorry.”

  I let it happen. She played a part too, but in the end, I’d given her every part of me. She knew my every side, the small details, and I knew hers. We shared the things that made us significant and I’d allowed it, knowing how much it would hurt to lose it.

  Aside from my little girl, life had never gifted me anything so beautiful. I knew every inch of her golden skin, had drowned in the icy-blue pools of her eyes and basked in her warmth. I’d pulled every sweet sip from her lips. We’d become magnetic and inseparable and I let it happen in my selfish haze knowing it would rip us to shreds to lose it.

  She was my golden shore after the shipwreck that was my life and she’d loved me with her whole heart, only to let me break it.

  “Ian! Where are you, Ian!” she cried as she raced around the house.

  “Over here, Koti,” I said, gathering wood in the alley for the fire I was building us.

  “I’m leaving. Mom says we have to leave early. I can’t do the bonfire with you.”

  “Okay, it’s okay, don’t cry.”

  “She’s making me go to the school camp, so I can make friends. I don’t like those girls. I told you about them.”

  “I know. But you’re easy to like so just let them come to you, okay? Remember what I said?”

  “Have fun anyway?”

  “Right.”

  She hiccupped as her chest heaved with her upset. “You’re my best friend. Don’t forget me just ‘cause you get bigger, okay?”

  “I won’t. Besides, we’re neighbors. I will probably see you around sometime next summer. Right?”

  She nodded and nodded. “Maybe you’ll come back, and we can be best friends again.”

  I rubbed the top of her head and she pushed it away with a smile.

  “Of course.”

  “Okay, and you’ll make me s’mores again?” She was still crying but trying her best to be brave for me.

  “Banana pops too.”

  “Promise?”

  “I swear it.”

  She hugged me tight with her whole little body and let go just as fast. “Bye, crocky”

  “Bye, puffer fish.”

  “Forgive me,” I whispered as I sank into sleep with her one last time.

  * * *

  Koti

  Ian’s duffle bag fell heavy on the porch as I swayed in the hammock with Disco in my arms. Seconds later, Ian knelt at my feet and rubbed his fingers through her fur. His voice alone was enough to threaten the strength I’d mustered up.

  “I was just thinking earlier this morning about the first time we said goodbye. Do you remember that?”

  I cleared my throat. “Nope, must be the one that got away. So, here’s the way I see it.” I stood and let Disco down at his feet. “We can do this the easy way or the hard way. I’m taking the easy route.”

  Pushing up on my toes I pressed my lips to his briefly and smoothed his cheek with my palm. “Go be happy, Ian. And do me a favor, take one small piece of advice from your muse?”

  He bit his lip and nodded.

  “Do whatever the hell it is you have to do to make yourself happy.”

  I was fighting hard and losing as my throat burned with each passing second. “Okay?”

  “I will.”

  “Okay. And by the way,” I said, rambling on as I took the steps off the porch, “you’re a good friend. The best. And if you ever get back to St. Tho—”

  I was pulled from the sand and crushed in his arms. Tumultuous gray eyes burned through me as he leaned in. “I choose the hard way.” His mouth crushed mine in a soul-stealing kiss and I felt the rest of me break beneath him. He pulled away, his eyes shredding me as they filled with regret. He didn’t want to hurt me, and I drew comfort that it hurt him just as much.

  “I’m fucking miserable about leaving, but I would never ask you to give up your life for me. But if you ever find yourself in need of a change from the routine. Come to Texas.”

  I nodded as tears collected in my eyes, unable to speak for fear of begging.

  “Kissing you feels like a free fall, touching you makes me ache, and being inside you is so damn addicting. I’ll miss that, and our talks, our friendship. I’ll miss your bubble, Koti because that’s where I want to be, where I want to stay. And if it weren’t for Ella—”

  “I understand,” I said around the ball in my throat. “I do. I swear. But watching you fall apart and put yourself back together was a gift. I’m so amazed by you.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Don’t thank me. It’s ridiculous. We’re like a bad movie line, aren’t we? We’ll always have St. Thomas,” I rasped out.

  “Jesus, I feel like hell.”

  “Me too.”

  “I already miss you.”

  “Me too.”

  “And because I’m a complete masochist, I can’t help but mention I’ve fallen madly in love with you.”

  The world started c
rumbling beneath my feet as my stars were stripped away one by one. Swallowing a sob, I briefly showed him my pain. “Please go. I don’t think I can do this with you much longer.”

  He nodded and picked up his bag. “Okay.”

  He made it halfway down our sand alley when I stopped him.

  “Bye, crocky.”

  He turned to me with a sad smile. “Bye, puffer fish.

  Tears streamed down my face as he walked toward his truck before once more glancing back at me.

  I whispered my plea to the wind. “Maybe you’ll come back, and we can be best friends again.”

  He nodded as if he’d heard me and I fell apart where I stood. He took a step toward me and I shook my head.

  “Go,” I begged.

  Shoulders slumped he got into his truck as I croaked out his name, but it was silenced by the wind.

  And then he was gone.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Koti

  Three months later…

  “Morning babe,” Jasmine chimed as she put her desk phone on speaker and some melodic hold music filled the office.”

  “Hey,” I said, trying to clear my head to start my workday. I’d had an attack last night and Disco had peed on the bed next to me. It had been a shit morning and I didn’t at all feel like sharing. The pattern I’d started years ago had begun to recycle. I’d been having more attacks than usual, and I knew the reason. No one was to blame, but I’d never been so emotionally strung out. Horrible thoughts of Ian with someone else kept racing around my head as I attempted to fall asleep each night. I couldn’t really blame myself, it had been months. There was a chance he was dating, or worse might be developing feelings for someone else. But if he felt a tenth of what I was feeling, maybe he wasn’t living at all.

  “You’re a wreck. Call him.”

  “Why? Why do I have to be the one? I don’t even know if he’s feeling it on his end at all. Maybe I was imagining it.”

  “He told you he was madly in love with you. He didn’t leave because he wanted to. He left because he had to. There’s a difference. You didn’t get left.”

  Brown eyes stared down at me as I swallowed. “I’m forwarding the phones to my cell. You look like shit and I don’t want you greeting the renters this morning.”

  “I know. I’m so sorry. I was up late last night.”

  She slapped the top of my computer screen. “Look at me.”

  Gazing up at her, I did my best to keep my chin from wobbling.

  “Do I look upset?”

  “No, well I really can’t tell, you look kind of scary right now.”

  “That’s because I’m mad at you for thinking I would be upset. You’ve held my hand for the last year and a half.”

  “I just want to stop missing him. God, just one day, I want this to go away. I don’t know how you handled it.”

  “Not well, remember, I had sex in a backhoe?”

  “That’s not even funny now. But I’m glad you’re happy with Toby.”

  “Don’t send out wedding invites yet, we’re taking things so slow, sometimes I think we’re just friends.”

  “You still haven’t had sex with Toby?” I couldn’t remember the last time I’d even asked her for an update, what was even odder was that she hadn’t offered one.

  “Nope. I’m holding out. You and Ian were an amazing influence on me. And Julian is still calling.”

  “Really? Julian, huh? Well don’t use me as an influence, look at me now. And your corn-fed man was the one that told me Ian would dump me no matter what. I don’t know if I’m his biggest fan.”

  She tied her hair up before pouring some coffee. “Julian is brutally honest. Sometimes it gets on my nerves, but mostly I love it. And you need to call Ian. I think half of the problem is you’re still hoping he’ll come back or you’ll get back together. And that’s what’s eating you alive. You need some sort of closure.”

  “I think the fact that I haven’t heard a word from him is closure enough. What if he’s moved on and I end up embarrassing myself?”

  She pulled her roller chair over and took a seat next to me. “Then you know, and you get to move on too.”

  “I don’t want that.”

  Her eyes watered in sympathy, which only made me feel more pathetic. “I know baby, and it’s killing me to see you hurt, but you’ve got to do something. Tell him how you feel. Are you still glad you took the chance?”

  I didn’t hesitate. “Yes.”

  “Then take one more. Call him and see how that goes.”

  “And if it’s really over?”

  “Then you won’t be alone. I’ll be here, and you can start sharing your new war stories.”

  “This is the worst.”

  “I know.” She leaned in to hug me. “You can do this, Koti, you are so much braver than you will ever know. Every chance you take shows how much you’ve grown.”

  “God, I love you. I know this is strange, but I’m so glad I had a panic attack in that Mexican restaurant. What if you hadn’t found me in that corner? I hate to think we wouldn’t have met.”

  “I think life would have made sure we found a way.”

  “You think so?” I sniffed as she pulled away

  “I’m sure of it. I’ll always be your Mexican.”

  * * *

  Ian

  Three months of agony because I made the same decision I did fifteen years ago. It would always be my daughter, DNA or none, she was mine. I was taught early that blood didn’t matter. My adopted brother was black, and when we got him, I was old enough to know better than ask questions about why he was different. My parents were careful with me the first few months, going out of their way to coddle me when we adopted him. I was never upset, in fact, that extra attention irritated me. Adam was the one who felt the most anguish, growing up in a home where he constantly felt the difference.

  Blood didn’t matter, skin nor eye color, or native tongue. What mattered was what that person meant to you. If my ex-wife had charged her sperm donor with the task of raising Ella, I would’ve been free to be whatever I wanted, I would’ve known that Tara was a liar and a cheat, and I would’ve had my choice of lives. But that wasn’t what happened, and at the end of my selfish tirade, I found myself grateful for her deceit. It made me Ella’s daddy.

  And so, while I’ve never fathered a child, I was a father, a daddy, a dad, and on most days, she deemed me an asshole. My range of titles stemmed from trusting the one thing in the world I know to be true for so long, and it was the one thing that could never be taken away from me.

  Hurt or not, I was never going to let that happen.

  And then I think of Koti and our summer by the sea and how that was the life I wanted. With her. I didn’t want to be waiting in the wings while my daughter lived her life. I wanted to be with the woman whose smiles lit up my soul, whose voice soothed the bullshit, whose heart was made of flesh and gold. I wanted to whisper to her that I love her every night before she drifted to sleep. To be her comfort when she got nervous. I wanted to ease her mind and make her laugh, make her come, make her mine. But that was the selfish part of me who still brimmed with anger about a life I didn’t get to choose.

  The father I am says there is no choice. That man remembers the chubby hands reaching for him along with the alligator tears. He remembers the first muddled sounds she made that were solely for him. She needed me and I needed her. Ella would always be my purpose in life.

  The ache will eventually recede. I’ll find a woman to keep my bed warm. And Koti would—

  I cut myself off mid-thought. It shouldn’t hurt this fucking much.

  We hadn’t spoken. Nothing to say. What can we say? I made my choice. She doesn’t want to leave her life and my job as a father binds me to where I need to be. It was never supposed to start, and it was never going to last. We both knew it.

  Doesn’t matter you’re in ashes, you love her, you miss her.

  My throat burned with emotion as I tipped my coffee and
stared at the green expanse of my new backyard. It wasn’t the view I wanted.

  She has my view and soon enough someone else will have my ocean.

  My phone buzzed on the counter and I ignored it, sure it was my mother. Thinking better of it, I caught it just before it stopped.

  “Hello,” I said, looking at the screen and freezing when I saw her name.

  “I love you,” she whispered softly. “Ian, I love you.”

  I closed my eyes. I could hear the waves crash. I imagined her on her hammock staring at her toes.

  “I should have said it when you were here. I would give anything to see your face right now, to see if it even matters to you.”

  My heart sank. “Of course it matters.”

  “I hate this. I hate it here without you.”

  “I’m in hell,” I said my voice sandpaper. “I won’t put on a brave front to spare you.”

  “Have you ever?” I could hear her smile, but it was solemn. “I don’t want to leave, Ian. You know I’ve accepted my limits. I don’t want to throw all this work away. I won’t be the woman you love. I would never ask you to leave Ella, I just want you to know how not okay I am. Because I miss you and even though I was supposed to let you go, I can’t.”

  “I’m not okay either.”

  “This is horrible.”

  “Agreed.”

  “Can you… will you come ho… back?”

  “If I come back, we start this all over again when I leave. I don’t think I can handle it twice.”

  She sobbed quietly as my heart shattered along with my coffee cup against my kitchen wall.

  She sniffed as I wiped my eyes. “I’m sorry I called you. I’m so sorry. It was selfish.”

  “I still can’t regret it. You are the true love of my life. You should know that.”

  That was the wrong thing to say. It took her minutes of silence to speak again.

  “I’ll be here, okay. I’ll be here, Ian. I’ll wait as long as you need me to. I’m being selfish so I can pay for it that way. If I wait for you, will you come?”