She sobbed until she couldn’t breathe. She cried until she was spent, and her face felt raw. She slipped off the stump and curled into a ball, sobbing until her throat felt as if it was on fire.
Her last memory before her body and grief won was Emerian picking her up off the forest floor and walking with her in his arms.
Mave dreamed, but she didn’t start in the silent forest. She stood in the clearing, staring at Kristanya.
“You yelled for me so loudly, I couldn’t ignore it,” the goddess said softly.
“Why?” She needed answers.
“I don’t choose who lives or dies, little girl. You can’t pin the blame of this on me,” Kristanya said, her voice as emotionless as Mave’s own. “I only make sure death is something that exists, and no one tries to cheat it. No one has a ‘right time’ when they are meant to go. I judge souls when it’s over.”
“What was the point of everything if I’m just going to lose?” Mave demanded. “Lose my father, lose my family? Lose the…” Mave gasped.
“Lose the war?” Kristanya inquired. “I am not infallible or all-powerful. I can’t go and kill the Elvasi Empress for you. I was hoping I could train you to be good enough to do it…but that doesn’t stop it, does it? Every time you failed, every time others failed, a path closed. With every casualty, the Andinna drifted further away from those paths that would lead to victory. It’s too late to kill the Empress and end this war without a major conflict.”
“Do you think we’re going to lose?” Mave asked. “Truly?”
Kristanya frowned. “Don’t you? Even if the Andinna win against her army, there won’t be enough of them to sustain the people. It’ll be a slow death, but I can feel it. Death is coming, and there are no paths that I can see.” She turned away from Mave. “I must get back to my duties. My sister tends to the living, and I should have left her to this and never involved myself. I tend to the dead, and soon, there will be many.”
31
Mave
She woke up in a room that seemed like her bedroom but wasn’t it. Opening her eyes, she was only confronted by the sight of her blankets and furs, all given to her by her husbands, but the room still seemed off.
“Where am I?” she asked, knowing others were in the room, out of sight. None of them were cuddled with her, and she was almost grateful. She wasn’t sure how she would have reacted in a space with bodies next to her.
“Our new home,” Luykas explained, coming close enough she could feel his body heat. “We had to move because…It was unreasonable to live where we were.”
“Why?” she demanded to know.
“Leshaun died at our dining table.”
Mave closed her eyes again. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t here—”
“There is nothing you could have done. None of us could do anything. Do not take that blame on yourself,” Mat growled from across the room. She sat up to look at him. “You only need to worry about getting that wing fixed. You only need to grieve. There’s nothing we could have done. He practically died in my arms, and I don’t want you beating yourself up anymore.”
“Okay,” she whispered. “Was there a…a funeral?”
“Yes, and I saved some of his ashes from being spread, so you could do it,” Mat answered, his tone turning softer.
He came closer, crawling across the room to take her other side, cocooning her between him and Luykas. Luykas was rubbing her back silently, just giving her the comfort she had rejected when she made it home. She was okay with taking it now because her duty to the family was done, and her heart was sore from the tears.
“Where are Bryn and Zayden?” she asked.
“Probably making midday meal.” Luykas wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her down, forcing her to take the cuddles they offered. “You’ve been asleep for two days, so we’ve been taking shifts. Everyone checks in with us. Seanev, Nevyn, Varon, Dave, Trevan, even Senri made a visit, demanding to see you, but when she came in here, she broke down in tears again and had to be walked back out. You hurt her when you didn’t go into their home to grieve. She loves you, and she wanted her daughter.”
“I didn’t think…” Mave sighed. “He…”
“We know what Kian did,” Mat whispered, kissing her forehead. “Emerian told us everything, including how you told him he should never see you again.”
“Does that mean I won’t?” Mave said, going deadpan.
“No, it means he has moved into our spare room because he takes his promise to Kian more seriously than he takes your threats.” She could hear Luykas smiling.
“He moved in?” she growled. “He—”
“Saved your life at the behest of your father,” Mat snapped. “And I would have done exactly what he did, and I had known Kian for over a thousand years. Luykas?”
“Yes.”
She pulled out from between them, got dressed without their help, then left the room. She found Bryn and Zayden, where her other males said they would be.
“Would you have done it?” she demanded. “Would either of you have left Kian to die if he asked you to save me?”
“Yes, without question,” Bryn said first, his face blank.
She turned to Zayden, glaring. She knew she would get a fight out of him, and she wanted a fight over this. She needed a fight over this with a male she trusted because she couldn’t go after Emerian. She’d obliterate him and had resisted that urge for weeks.
“Don’t ask stupid questions,” Zayden growled. “You know I would.”
“Why?” she snarled. “How could you say—”
“Because you’re you, and a male’s duty is to his female. Not just his wife, but his daughter and his sister. His mother. His mentor. It doesn’t fucking matter what role she plays in his life, he lays down his life for her. She is the center. She is the core, and we are the shields. We die for her, and if we can’t do that, we die beside her, but there will never be a day when we let you die for us, Mave. Never. Not if we have any say in the matter.” He stepped up to her, his chest puffing out. “I will miss Kian, but don’t think anyone blames you. You might blame yourself. You might blame Emerian. Skies, you probably blame Kian, but the only ones at fault here are the Elvasi. Finally, I’m not fucking putting up with this. He died for the best reasons, and you will not make it seem anything less than that. He is a fucking hero to me, and so is Emerian, so don’t you come in here and tell me we’re insane for thinking they did the right thing!”
His words were like a sword, cutting her open in a fatal blow.
She would find no allies here. She went to find her boots and tugged them on. When someone came after her as she tried to get out the door, Zayden interrupted.
“Stop!” he snapped.
“But—” It was Bryn, sounding heartbroken.
“She’s grieving, and this isn’t an easy thing for someone like her to learn.”
They let her leave. She knew she was in a new place, so she made sure she wasn’t going to crash to the ground. She quickly realized the short fall wouldn’t kill her. She was close enough to the ground to still have stairs.
And she was Alchan’s neighbor now. He was sitting on his porch to her left, but he wasn’t so close he heard her.
“Alchan!” she yelled. “I need to speak to you!”
He looked up, his eyes going wide. She made her way to the ground and walked to him. When they met in the clearing, she poked his chest.
“Would you have done it? What Kian did?”
“I’m not the right male to ask,” he said, frowning. “Why?”
“Because…” She lost her energy right there. He reached out and grabbed her horn, tugging it.
“Sister, I’m not the right male to ask because I need to have an heir first. If I had an heir?” He went silent for a moment, and she looked up into his eyes, wondering what the verdict would be. “Yes. Yes, I would have done it, and I know that’s not what you want to hear—”
“I’m supposed to die for them,�
� she said weakly, blinking back tears. “Why don’t they understand that?”
“It’s not them who doesn’t understand,” Alchan whispered, releasing her horn to brush her cheek. “And I’m sorry. I don’t know a single female who is comfortable with it, not truly. No one wants to confront the idea of their loved ones dying for them. I’m sorry this happened, and I will miss Kian with everything in me, but he made the right call. He made the only call he could.”
“It’s not fair,” she pleaded. “You’re the king. Change it.”
“No,” he said gently. “You need to come to terms with it. I’m sorry, but there’s a reason these things are the way they are, especially concerning this.”
She tried to fight the tears again and found herself wrapped in his arms. He held on tight as she cried in frustration.
“I’m supposed to die for you,” she growled, hitting his chest.
“No, you’re supposed to win for me,” he retorted. “And aside from this one case, where we have obviously been betrayed, you do.”
She sobbed hard, grabbing onto his armor to hold herself. He kept his arms around her until she was spent again.
When it was done, she pulled away.
“I need to stop doing that,” she mumbled.
“You’re allowed to do it as much as you need or want,” Alchan whispered, pushing her hair off her wet face. “Mave, you said something before you went into the woods…”
“I dream of Kristanya? Yeah,” she confirmed with a snort. “Fucking bitch, that one.”
“So, it’s real?” he frowned. “Why don’t we sit down?”
“Sure.” She shrugged. “Not sure why it matters. She’s the reason Nevyn is so frustrated with me. She’s the secret. I told K…I told Kian about it when we started the mission. It just finally felt like the right time.” She closed her eyes as he led her to the seats in front of his home, now permanent fixtures for anyone hanging out around his place.
“He knew? That…Well, it doesn’t matter anymore.” Alchan held her hand, an odd thing between them. It was comforting, but unlike her husbands, there was nothing else to it. It wasn’t a connection to a male she knew belonged to her. It was exactly Alchan—brother, but also a ruler—keeping some form of contact with a member of his people who needed him.
Since they were talking of Kristanya, Mave thought of her last encounter with the goddess and remembered every single detail.
“Alchan.”
“Yes?”
“Are we going to lose?”
He sighed, letting go of her and leaning over to hold his face out of her sight.
“Yes,” he said, muffled by his hands. When he sat back up, she saw the desperation on his face. “If we can’t find the spy, without a doubt. Whoever it is will destroy us from within. With every botched mission and campaign, we lose more Andinna we can never get back. With every assassination, we’ll lose someone too important to lose and impossible to replace. I wouldn’t even give us a year if we can’t find out who is selling us out, which is…exactly what Shadra has been planning this entire summer. Knowing there’s a spy explains fucking all of it.”
“And if we find the spy?” She needed to know there was something. Kristanya couldn’t see a path, but Mave had to find one. For Kian, for what he did for her. If there was no one to change it, she had to change the path, so none of her males or family died for her or anyone else.
“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. When he looked at her, she saw the burden of knowledge he shared with no one. “We don’t have the numbers or the power to win in an all-out assault, and I was hoping we could avoid one, but with her resources and the strength of the army in sheer numbers…we can’t avoid one. She’ll punch into the mountains and begin marching to us next year or the year after. It was a fool’s dream to think we could keep this up in the long term. We have to hope her own nation will starve her out, but if she’s winning…”
“They won’t force her to stop for us,” Mave finished, realizing the dark path that loomed in front of them. All roads led to Kristanya and her final judgment of them. “They’ll let her win, and that’s it.”
“That’s it,” he agreed. “But…we can keep trying. If it hits the point of desperation, I’ve got secret plans to get our people out of Anden again.”
“Back to Olost?” Mave frowned. “Wouldn’t she chase those who are left?”
“She would chase, but they wouldn’t go to Olost this time. There are other places in the world, ones so far away, the Empire doesn’t even consider conquering them. It’s an idea. A hope in case all is lost.”
“Would it be enough to save our people from extinction?”
“No,” Alchan admitted, “but it’s a shot for them to start something new somewhere else. Just a long shot.”
“What if we…” She didn’t finish that thought. Mave couldn’t bring herself to give up and leave, letting Shadra win this without a fight.
“I have the same problem. I can’t bring myself to consider retreating. I’ve decided I’m going to die here if it comes to it.”
“I’ll die with you, then,” she decided, nodding. “I’d try to save my husbands, but we both know that’s a foolish endeavor, so you’ll get all of them as well.”
“Does this mean you’re my Champion again?” Alchan asked, plainly showing what he hoped would be the answer.
“No,” she answered, shaking her head. “I…” She felt like a failure. No matter how much everyone said it wasn’t her fault, and she understood that logically, she couldn’t overcome the feelings that wove their way around her heart and squeezed—failure. It wasn’t just the one mission. It was everything. It was Emerian, who she got hurt. It was Leshaun, who she never got to say goodbye to. It was the entire war.
“Why?” he asked, pleading. “I need an answer, Mave. We’ve been in this together since…I guess since the beginning.”
“That’s why,” she said, trying to put some power into it. “I’m a sword, but I’m only one sword, and I’m…not enough. We started this, and we’re losing it, Alchan. Maybe if I were more like Luykas or Nevyn or Seanev, I would be better, but I’m just a sword, and what’s the fucking point? I can’t find a spy. I can’t lead a thousand warriors into battle…I’m dominant because I refuse to be anything else, not because I’m in any shape to lead. I’m…useless. The title should go to someone who is worthy of it, and I’m…” She closed her eyes. “I’m not worthy of it, Alchan. I was arrogant, thinking I alone could be the best warrior, and that would somehow be everything we needed.”
His best warrior was also the greatest fool.
“Mave, the title—”
“I couldn’t even save my father,” she whispered. “What good am I if I can’t even save my own father? How am I ever going to save you when the time comes? Or Luykas? What’s the point if I can’t even do that?”
Alchan just stared at her, obviously shocked at her reasoning and decision. The silence continued for a long time until it was finally interrupted by the appearance of Nevyn and Varon, landing in the clearing.
“So, you are awake,” Nevyn said with a small smile. “We just checked your home, but they said you were gone.”
“We couldn’t see you under the trees,” Varon signed, then hit himself in the forehead.
“What are you two talking about?” the general asked, looking between them. Behind the two lovers, Mave saw Luykas walk by, entering Alchan’s home with a bottle. She didn’t call out for him, figuring he was probably working on something.
“The impending doom of our people,” Alchan answered. “You know, we’ve had this conversation a couple of times since Leshaun died.” Mave was glad he didn’t mention any of the rest.
Nevyn’s bemused expression died, and the sigh he gave was long-suffering. “Yeah. That. Guess Mave needed that update.”
Mave narrowed her eyes at him. Maybe this male would give her the answer she wanted, and she didn’t want to keep talking about the very real possibility they w
ould lose this war.
“Would you save a female if Kian asked you to? If it meant he would die?”
Nevyn’s eyes narrowed as well. “Yes. Don’t…How many males have you asked that already?”
“All of her husbands and me.” Alchan sounded annoyed. “She’s hoping someone will agree with her. I didn’t think she would be bold enough to ask you. I’m sorry.”
Mave didn’t like how Alchan felt the need to apologize. In fact, she felt like she was about to get another lashing.
“Kian fucking loved you, and I loved Kian. I needed him like I needed one of my damn arms. Did you know that he and I were each other’s first lovers? It was stupid kid shit, but he and I ended up with a friendship I would kill for. That I would die for.” He was growling at the end of that, walking closer to her. “So, if he asked me to save his daughter and let him die, I would tell him I loved him, then I would do everything in my power to get her home to her fucking mother. And I’d beat the shit out of that kid if she tried to disrespect his memory because he was an amazing male who deserves nothing more than her utmost respect and love.”
Mave sank.
“I’m sorry.”
“You fucking better be,” the warrior snarled. “Because I’m going to be the last male you ask, is that fucking clear?”
“Yes.”
“I…” Nevyn stopped, looking as if he remembered something important. “Fuck me. I’m sorry. You had to hear him die. You bonded with him during the adoption, which means you probably felt it a little.”
She winced, remembering that sensation. If that was from the invisible bond of the formal adoption, she didn’t want to imagine the pain it would be like to lose a fully bonded male. It had been terrible.
Varon stepped in front of his husband and began to sign out of sight.
“That’s right…” Nevyn whispered. “You’re right, love. I should have remembered.”
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