by Ellie Mack
My breath hitched, feeling almost suffocated as I clenched my eyes shut. “GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!” I screamed it inside my head.
I threw the car into gear and spun out as I floored it.
“Um Tara, Luke is in the hospital. We gotta go there.”
We drove straight through to the hospital, parking in the first spot we could find, and then I headed for the information desk. When I asked the woman what room Luke Reed was in, she said she couldn’t find him. After arguing with her for a few minutes, I decided to call Mrs. Reed.
Mrs. Reed, it was soon going to be my name as well.
“Hey Mrs. Reed. I’m so sorry that I cut you off earlier but I’m here at the hospital now. West County General and they say they can’t find any record of Luke. Is he at a different hospital?”
“Roxanne Honey. I tried to explain before. I’ll meet you in the little cafe just down the hall, OK?”
“Sure thing, Mrs. Reed.”
“Please, Honey, call me Linda.”
I sat in the small cafe off the main lobby, glancing over at the coffee bar. Caffeine was the last thing I needed as my nerves were already fried. Not far down the hall, I spied the gift store. I took a quick walk down the hall to see if perhaps they had healthy juices or something. It had been a week since I had trained and already I could tell.
I wandered around the little shop, looking at the baby things, wondering if one day Luke and I would have a family together. I picked up an adorable pair of Tom’s baby shoes - so small they would fit on a doll - and marveled at the tiny feet that would fit into them.
I set it back on the shelf, blushing as I moved down the aisle. I couldn’t dare tell Luke I was thinking about babies, we cannot right now, anyway. We’re are just getting started. I moved down the aisle, glancing over the various little gifts. Teddy bears, floral arrangements, books, journals, and various assorted items. A sigh escaped me as I realized I was daydreaming about babies. I spotted the cutest little bear, with a wrestling outfit on and a mask. From the first training session, I had teased Luke about being Nino Diablo, the masked wrestler, my little devil boy. It was similar to one that I had given Luke as a gift.
I got a juice and went back to the sitting area.
Mrs. Reed walked towards me, her low heels clicking on the linoleum floor. I leaned in for a hug when she was close enough, she seemed hesitant. The hug was stiff and awkward.
“Roxanne, Honey. Sit down.”
She sat in the adjacent chair, still holding my hand in hers as I sat with her.
“Oh Roxanne, I . . .” She clenched her lips tight, her chin quavered just a second. “Roxanne, Luke is gone.”
“Oh, did they release him already? Is he at home or his apartment?” I looked into her eyes hopeful, but I was met with a vacancy. I waited for her response.
“Roxanne, Sweetheart,” She patted my hand then squeezed it
“Oh Darling, you would have made the best daughter in law.”
“Wait, what? Would have? Is, is he breaking up with me?” I was already raw emotionally. The tears flowed unbidden. “Is this because I couldn’t be at the hospital?” I pulled out my phone and started to text him. This was so not fair!
Suddenly her arms were wrapped around me and she was sobbing on my shoulder, which of course was a cue for my own tears to increase production. “No, Roxanne. No, Honey.”
After several minutes, she pulled back. She took my phone from my hand, lifting my chin. She sighed.
“Roxanne, Luke was killed when his plane crashed. He died in the ambulance on the way to the ER. He would have never broke it off with you. He’s gone.”
I sat there staring at her. Staring into those eyes, those caring motherly eyes. I heard the words but I did not want to let it sink in. A bare whisper escaped me “no”.
She squeezed my hand then continued. “The funeral arrangements are set for tomorrow. I am so sorry, Sweetheart. I know as big of a loss as this is for me, for our family, I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you with your mother just passing away.”
I was shocked. A deep pain clenched within my chest, a vice-like grip squeezing, crushing the air from my lungs. It started with a few tears, and then short gasps for breath as the words hit full force, ripping my heart apart. I gasped as the uncontrollable sobs began, heaving my lungs against my chest. My vision blurred through the tears, sudden panic hit me as my world collapsed. Gut wrenching sobs, burning tears. I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to scream, but couldn’t quite get enough breath.
I balled my fists to my eyes trying to make myself stop, but it was no use. I ran from the cafe. I ran to the car where Tara sat in the passenger seat playing a game on her phone.
“Get out!”
She looked up at me surprised.
“You’re driving. Get out NOW!” She looked at me, terrified but unsure what she had done.
Once she had the car started, she asked, “Is it that bad?”
I couldn’t answer. I could barely breathe. Nothing in my life had ever felt so painful. I just glanced over at her, my face tear stained and red, and wailed uncontrollably. My future went up in fiery smoke with that plane.
There are times in life that seem overwhelming, as if we cannot possibly bear another thing. Yet, we go on. Sometimes, it leaves scars, while at other times, the scars are internal.
Our human condition leaves us at the mercy of our emotions at times.
Tara clung to the steering wheel, terrified. I hated to do this to her. I wanted to tell her, but I could barely manage my breath between sobs. I clutched my stomach as I turned to the window, staring blankly out into the night. Trees sped by, I imagined each one to be a part of my life slipping away.
I began seeing bits of my life on each tree. Devon Miller taking Casey Reynolds to a dance. Devon taking Phoebe Yates to the party where I met Chad. Chad using me, lying to me. Summers lost in a factory. Training for long hours with Keith. Devon leaving for the military. Devon disapproving of my MMA fighting. Mom fighting cancer. Mom dying. Luke dying.
We crossed the river - serene water. Childhood memories, meeting Luke, training with Luke.
Forested scenery again: Mom. Fight with dad. Dad never there. Luke.
“Tara, stop the car.” The tears continued but I realized my sister was all I had left in this world and I was being horrible to her.
“Are you going to be sick?” She asked not turning her head.
“No, well maybe. Just pull in up here, and can you get us a soda or something, then we’ll talk.” My lips trembled as I tried to quell the tears. “And get some extra napkins, please?”
“Sure, Roxy” She sniffled. It broke my heart even more. While I waited for her to return, I thought about what I would say and how I would say it. Sooner than I expected she was back with two big bags of food and drinks.
She shrugged. “I was hungry.”
“That’s ok, so am I.” I wasn’t really. We sat in the car and ate quietly. Well Tara ate, I picked at mine. I waited until I thought I could begin without crying uncontrollably again.
“Tara, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for yelling at you back there, for screaming at you the way I did. I know this has been hard for you as well. Losing Mom and then the deal with Dad, well I have been selfish. You’re all I’ve got now and I don’t want to lose you.”
“What are you talking about Roxy? You’ve got Luke.”
I sighed, taking a sip of the soda before I went on.
“No, Luke is gone. His funeral is tomorrow. I know you have classes, so you don’t have to go or anything but . . . .” I had to stop, speaking the words aloud stirred up every raw emotion I felt.
“Oh my God! Roxy.”
She leaned over and pulled me into a hug. I couldn’t help it, the sobs began again. Uncontrollable chest heaving sobs that wracked my body. She held me close for a long time and just let me cry. When I finally pulled back and wiped my eyes, two guys in a car alongside us were gawking.
By the crude gestures they ma
de to us, they thought we were making out or something. Tara rolled down the window and told them “Fuck off, assholes! My sister’s fiancée was just killed, you morons.”
I chuckled at her frankness. I thought she was so clean cut and innocent and it was the first time I had ever heard her use any profanity. My nose red and swollen, with red puffy eyes I smiled at my sister.
“We have each other, we’ll get through this.”
I turned in my seat, and took a bite of my burger. It tasted good to me. In no time at all, I had eaten the whole thing and scarfed down the fries.
“I know this is terrible, but I could eat another one. I’m starved.”
She scrunched up her burger wrapper and tossed it in the bag.
“You want me to swing around the drive through and grab you another one?”
“Yes! That would be great. And a chocolate shake.” I licked the greasy salt off my fingers.
We would get through this. I had to, for her, and I knew she was there for me.
CHAPTER 18
Tara decided to go with me to the funeral. I’m glad, I’m not sure I could have driven. I sat beside his mother, who reached out and held my hand during the eulogy. Tara sat on my other side, holding my other hand. I just sat as tears streamed down my face.
It was a closed casket funeral, I never had the chance to say goodbye. He was just ripped from my life and gone. His little sister, crying, ran up to me at the cemetery and hugged my legs. I knelt, hugging her close. I was invited to join them for the holidays and I reassured her I would see her again. We didn’t attend the wake, Tara and I drove back to my apartment.
I walked in, it smelled like Luke. I went to the bed and collapsed on it, curled up as the tears flowed silently, clutching his pillow and favorite shirt. At some point, I had removed my dress and put on his shirt and drawstring shorts. My dreams were a combination of remembering things combined with terrifying turns of events.
The flood of memories were overwhelming. One particular dream/memory awakened me with gasps of terror.
Tara and I were little, we were out in the yard playing on our swing set. The sun was shining, we were laughing, trying to see who could pump the highest. Mom called us inside to clean up for lunch. We were still laughing as we raced into the bathroom, fighting over the sink and the bar of Ivory soap.
Isn’t it odd how little details from our past are so vivid? The ivory soap bar that Mom always kept on the side of the sink.
We raced into the kitchen climbing up onto the bar stools at the center island, still giggling. Mom was standing at the stove, and then turned holding plates that held grilled cheese sandwiches with the crust cut off.
Magically, bowls of tomato soup were in front of us, as well as a bowl of cheesy fish crackers between us. Mom sat down with us, laughing and smiling.
Soon a roaring sound came from the back room. A light shone through the crack of the doorframe, and then suddenly the door burst open. A monster walked out of the bedroom, hands fisted at its sides, growling loudly, drooling, eyes blazing red. As it got closer, it was Dad, like the hulk, only not green. He was massive, bulging muscles with his clothes in shreds as he stomped closer. Closer. Closer . . . then he reached out, grabbed Tara, and tossed her against the wall as if she were a ragdoll. Mom screamed. I screamed. Tara was in a crumpled heap. The dad monster roared again, reaching for me when the front door flew open and a handsome police officer came in the door and shot him with a dart. The cop was Devon.
I woke startled.
After a quick trip to the bathroom and a refill of my water glass, I drifted off again.
Memories of happy Moments in childhood. Playing fort with Devon. Playing hide and go seek at dusk in the backyard. Running up the hill from the river when we were getting eaten up by mosquitos.
Suddenly, Tara and I were in jail. It was some sort of orphanage jail that looked like it was the boarding house of Oliver Twist. The warden would not let us have any grilled cheese. There were nurses in it, my Mom’s coworkers. They checked each of the children. When it was our turn, they separated Tara and me. I could hear her screaming and crying.
The nurse that took me into an examination room looked like a ghoul. She forced me down onto the table. Suddenly, I was strapped to the table while she had a pile of needles on the tray that she pushed up towards me. “It’s time for your immunizations.” She cackled like witch.
I wriggled and wriggled until I broke free from those straps only to shoot straight up in bed. The blankets were tangled around my feet, feeling like they were strapped down.
I made my way in the darkness to the bathroom, then to the kitchen. I opened the refrigerator to find it mostly empty. There were a few sports drinks in there, so I grabbed one. I stood in the light of the door, scrounging for food.
I found the jar of pickles and ate four of them. I found a package of sliced cheese for sandwiches and took two slices. Suddenly. I was ravenous. If only there were some left over pizza. What about the food that everyone had prepared for us? Where was all of that? I searched again, moving the bags of salad mix out of the way and in the back of the fridge, there was the remainder of a lasagna.
Oh my God, yes! Score! I sat in the floor and ate the lasagna cold, alternating with the banana pudding that I found. I ate and ate, gorging myself. Suddenly, the pan of lasagna was empty.
The light turned on and Luke walked in to find me sitting in the floor, covered with marinara sauce, the fork in my hand. I suddenly saw myself from his perspective. I was disgusting.
“I can’t marry you. You’re disgusting. You look like a pig wallowing in its own filth.”
“No Wait! Luke! I can explain.”
I awoke, sitting on the floor in front of the refrigerator with just the sports drink. I looked around the room for anyone else. It was three in the morning and no one was there. I climbed back into my bed thinking that I had consumed an entire pan of lasagna. It seems silly now, but the fragile mental state I was in, I felt like my sanity was a very fine line that I had slipped over.
I lay there awake for hours. I remembered the day I first met Luke. I remembered the day he followed me out of class to ask me to train him. As I let it replay in my mind, the tears flowed in a silent stream down my cheeks.
It started with the first day of classes. My roommate thought I had been in a car accident and when I told her that I was an MMA fighter, she immediately requested a roommate change. I guess she thought I would be violent. I didn’t get a replacement, so I had the room to myself.
The first few weeks of classes were hectic, but mostly uneventful. The biology teacher gave us group assignments to work on genetics problems. I was in group three. That’s when I met Luke. He was the most obnoxious person in the group. He instantly got on my nerves with his cocky attitude, and sarcasm. I figured he would be one of the slacker students, but he wasn’t. He was in fact, brilliant, but I wasn’t about to acknowledge that.
He followed me out of class and caught my shoulder. “Hey”
I turned, glaring at him. I didn’t say anything, just glared. Yes, I was a walking pile of anger just waiting for someone to pick a fight.
He took his hand off my shoulder, then combed through his hair. “Hey, um I didn’t catch your name in class. I’m Luke. Luke Reed.” He offered me his hand.
“I’m Roxanne.” I shook his hand briefly then crossed my arms over my chest waiting for him to say something offensive. I know, I was unapproachable most of the time and I liked it that way.
He looked around, and then adjusted his backpack. “So, you’re heading for the gym now, right?” He turns back and looks at me a little sheepish, “I um saw you working the bag the other day. Where did you learn that?”
“From my trainer over the summer.”
“Do you have a sparring partner here?” He shifted from foot to foot, bouncing on his toes.
“No, I don’t.”
“Well. Um, would you like to train with me?”
“Why?” I adjust
ed my backpack, shifting my stance.
“Well I just thought, well, you know, we could get to know each other, and maybe challenge each other.”
I stood there for a few minutes then figured, what the heck. The anticipated fight was not going to manifest. He wasn’t slinging insults or making crude comments. Besides, I could use someone to train with and take some of this aggression out on. “Well Luke, if you think you can keep up, sure.”
A wide grin spread slowly over his face. It made his eyes light up in a peculiar manner. Luke had gorgeous eyes. I have always been a sucker for eyes. I know that may sound strange, but I heard someone say before that the eyes are the windows to your soul and I believe it is true. What you see in some people’s eyes makes you want to run the other way. Luke’s sparkled like a child’s on Christmas morning. It made me smile.
I started walking towards the gym, Luke in step beside me. “So um, what’s your major? I noticed you have a couple of the same classes with me.”
I chuckled quietly. “Luke, they are basics. Everyone has to take them.”
“Well, yes, but you have the honors classes with me.” He took a couple long strides ahead of me then turned around, walking backwards facing me. “You seem like a serious student, not one of those girls that are just here to pass the time or find a guy.”
“Business management” I offered. Devon had encouraged me to pursue something I felt confident in as a backup for when I was too old to fight in the MMA. He didn’t like me getting in that ring, said I was still trying to prove something. Damn right I was, I was determined to prove I was made of more than the fat girl I used to be in high school, the one that had her heart broken. “What about you?”
“International business law. I’ve always wanted to travel. I’m from a small town near here and the only place I’ve traveled to so far is Washington DC.” He flashed that smile. I knew it was sincere because he smiled through his eyes.
“Sounds like a tough major.”