While he finished his stitches, he glanced up at the picture on the wall, the one of him sitting in his grandmother’s lap. He was about five years old in the photo, and Big Nanny was teaching him how to use the sewing machine for the first time. Malcolm had a smile from ear to ear.
It was the same grin he wore in the original sketch he had drawn of his birthday outfit—the sketch that now lay buried beneath the pile of cloth scraps. The outfit in the sketch used the same purple and red floral pattern on top of a black fabric as the suit he was sewing now. But this sketch depicted a long, flowing train attached right at the waist. It was gorgeous and glamorous. But Malcolm just wasn’t sure if he was ready to take that leap. So he shoved the old sketch out of his mind and focused on his suit.
“Okay, Malcolm, let’s get a move on!” yelled his mother again.
“Coming!”
Malcolm grabbed his book bag off the floor and walked out of the sewing room. He peeked into the kitchen, where his mother stood ironing his father’s shirt and his little brother, Joshua, sat at the table eating a bowl of cereal.
“See you later,” Malcolm said, to which his mom responded, “Okay, baby. Don’t forget to make the list of songs you want your uncle Frank to play tomorrow!!!”
Uncle Frank was always at the DJ booth at their family gatherings. Malcolm gave his mom a thumbs-up.
Big Nanny was sitting in the living room as he passed through. Malcolm paused. “Big Nanny, can you do me a favor?”
“What you need, honey?”
“I didn’t finish putting together the seam for the pants I’m making for my birthday outfit. Can you finish it up for me so I can put the last touches on the jacket after school?”
Big Nanny looked at Malcolm and smiled. “Of course. But you gotta give me some sugah before you go.”
Malcolm walked over to her and kissed her on the cheek. Then he headed out the door toward the bus stop.
As Malcolm walked, the cool crisp air of autumn hit him in the face. Leaves were starting to turn that pretty orange color like they do when the seasons begin to change in New Jersey. With every leaf pile, Malcolm took a big jump, crunching down on the twigs and fallen leaves. Maybe it was a little babyish, but so what? That walk to the bus was five minutes of heaven.
Malcolm finally reached the corner. While he waited for the bus, he couldn’t stop thinking about his birthday party the next day. He began singing Stevie Wonder’s “Happy Birthday” under his breath.
Finally he saw the bus coming up the street. He walked up to the curb as the bus pulled up. “Good morning, MJ,” said the bus driver as she opened the door, to which he responded, “Good morning, Mrs. Baker.”
“Tell your nanny I’mma drop off that money when I get off tonight,” she said with a smile.
Malcolm chuckled. “Okay, Mrs. Baker, I’ll let her know.” Big Nanny was always letting someone hold a few dollars—with interest, of course.
He walked six rows back and took his normal seat next to his bestie, Janet Jacobs, who was grinning up at him like usual. Janet was about five feet tall with a milk chocolate complexion. She was wearing a maroon sweater and a gray skirt with pleats, the regular uniform most of the girls wore. Today, her hair was back in a ponytail, and she wore a small strand of pearls around her neck. Malcolm and Janet had been best friends since kindergarten, and now that they were in their final year at Tubman Junior High School, they were tighter than ever.
“Hey, Janet, what’s the tea?”
“Ain’t nothing. Ready to get this Friday done with so we can party tomorrow. Are you excited?”
Malcolm nodded. “I’m a little behind on my outfit, but I should have enough time to get it done. Big Nanny is gonna work on the pants today so I can focus on the top.”
“Well, that’s good. You know she could sew a dress blindfolded. I know you gonna show out.” Then Janet turned her head and narrowed her eyes at Malcolm. “Soooooo…have you decided if you are gonna go through with it?”
Malcolm took a deep breath in, then sighed and put his head down. “I decided to change the design to a regular suit. I don’t think I’m ready to push my fashion that far in front of my dad.”
Janet leaned in closer. “That’s not the ‘it’ I’m referring to and you know it.”
Malcolm lifted his head up and looked at Janet in her piercing eyes. “Oh. That ‘it.’ ” He sighed. “I’m not sure if I’m ready to tell them I’m nonbinary. My dad isn’t very big on words, you know.”
Janet grabbed Malcolm’s hand and held it tight. “Yeah, your father is a bit on the tough side. But you know he loves you.”
“Yeah, he definitely does.” Malcolm felt his chest loosen up just a little bit. “Thanks, J.”
“Always,” said Janet. Then she muttered under her breath, “And your daddy is fine.”
“Girl, bye!” Malcolm yelped. They both laughed.
* * *
Back at the house, Big Nanny slurped the rest of her breakfast and headed for the sewing room to finish up the pants for Malcolm’s birthday outfit. As she sat down at the sewing desk, she reached for a spool of thread sitting on the edge of the table and accidentally knocked over the pile of scraps the thread had been sitting on. “Darn it,” she said as she bent over to pick them up.
“What is this here?” she exclaimed out loud as she grabbed hold of a loose paper that had floated to the floor.
It was a sketch of Malcolm grinning in a glamorous design. Not the sketch of the suit—this one had a long, flowing train. The words at the top read “My Birthday Outfit.”
Big Nanny looked at the pants on the table. Then she looked at the jacket hanging in the closet. She took one last look at the sketch.
Big Nanny walked over to the closet and grabbed the jacket. She laid it out on the sewing desk and pulled out her scissors. With a grin on her face, she began cutting.
* * *
The school day was like any other day—switching classes, catching up with Janet in between periods, and running into class before the door closed. Malcolm couldn’t pay much attention that day, though, knowing he had a birthday party coming up and a big decision to make. He just kept staring at the clock as it went from 1 p.m., to 1:30 p.m., to 2 p.m., and finally to 2:27 p.m. when the final bell rang.
Malcolm walked out of his last period class and met Janet at the lockers.
“You make a decision yet, boo?” Janet asked. Malcolm glanced at her with a side-eye.
“You are worse than my little brother when he want candy. I think I’mma just sleep on it and decide in the morning.” Malcolm bit his lip. “I’m still so nervous about my birthday party outfit, though. I hope it doesn’t underwhelm. Everyone looks to me for fashions, you know.”
“Listen,” Janet said, “you were best dressed in elementary school. You’re going to be best dressed at the end of this year. Probably best dressed in high school and at the Emmys one day. The only thing now is if you are best dressed as a ‘he’ or a ‘they.’ ”
Malcolm snapped his head back. “You don’t ever give up, do you?”
“Nope. But for real, I’ve known you since you were five playing with my dolls and doing hair. I know who you are. You know who you are. Tomorrow you will just be inviting everyone else into that—if you want to, I mean. And I’ll be right there by your side, wearing a cute dress and hoping Jimmy notices.”
Malcolm pulled a face. “Girl, go away from me. Just boy crazy.”
“And what are you??” Janet replied. They both laughed.
“Well, whatever you decide, you know I got your back,” Janet continued. “Now, come on, we’re gonna be late for cross-country practice.” They linked arms and headed to the locker rooms.
* * *
While Malcolm was getting changed, a few of his teammates came up to him. Jimmy, their star basketball player who stood six fee
t tall already at age thirteen, was dark skinned with a brush cut. Jimmy and Malcolm had known each other since elementary school. “Yo, Malcolm, you seemed off all day today,” said Jimmy. “You all right?”
“Yeah, I’m good, y’all. Just thinking about my birthday tomorrow.” He sighed. “I have this thing I want to get off my chest, but I don’t know if it’s the right moment.”
“I mean, what you thinking about?” Paul jumped in. Paul was Jimmy’s sidekick. Good enough to make the teams, but definitely not the star. (Malcolm could relate.) He had a caramel skin complexion, and he was constantly lifting weights. “You already told us you were gay years ago. Wait, you dating girls now???”
“Shut up, Paul, you don’t ever know what to say,” Jimmy said.
“Look, Malcolm,” Paul continued, “we all been knowing each other a few years now. At first when you came out, we was all nervous. But you mad cool. Just don’t think too hard on whatever it is. We just want you to be yourself, bro.”
Malcolm grinned. “Thanks, I appreciate that.”
“Now get out on the track before Coach make us run extra laps,” Paul joked. Malcolm winced and hurried to get dressed, then walked out with the team.
* * *
After practice, Malcolm and Janet headed to the front of the school to wait for his mom to come get them. To Malcolm’s surprise, there was someone there who had never come to pick him up before.
“Daddy! What are you doing here?”
“Hey, boy,” said Malcolm’s dad, standing there in his sanitation supervisor jumpsuit. “I figured I’d take you and Janet for some pizza. A little prebirthday treat.”
Malcolm’s jaw dropped. His dad was always working or busy. But Malcolm wasn’t about to pass up this opportunity. Malcolm and Janet jumped into his truck, and they all headed to Bruno’s, the pizza shop in their town. Once they were seated, they ordered a giant pepperoni pizza.
“So, you excited about tomorrow?” asked his father.
“Yeah,” Malcolm said, even as the nerves kicked up in his belly all over again. “I’m finally gonna be a teenager.”
“And it’s about time,” Janet cut in. “You and this birthday later in the year is mad aggy.”
“So what are you wearing?” Malcolm’s father asked. “I know you, and I’m sure it’s going to be something…different.”
Malcolm’s dad wasn’t always the best with words, so when he said “different,” Malcolm knew what he meant. Over-the-top. Colorful. Flamboyant. Malcolm sighed. “Yeah, Daddy, it will be something different. Big Nanny is working on it with me.”
Malcolm’s dad smiled. “Big Nanny is always up to something with you. That’s good, though.”
Once they finished up their pizza, they all got back in the truck, and Malcolm’s dad dropped off Janet at home. “We’ll see you tomorrow, right?” Malcolm’s dad asked.
“You know it, Mr. Jennings!” Janet exclaimed.
As soon as Janet walked into her house, Malcolm got a text from her. Your daddy is still fine lol. Try to talk to him though.
Malcolm responded with the rolling-eye emoji. Okay I will.
But the rest of the ride home was silent. Malcolm just couldn’t get the words out his mouth. Once they got home, Malcolm rushed inside and went to his room to do his homework. He moved so fast that he didn’t even get a chance to speak to Big Nanny or his mother. He just went in his room, slammed the door, and buried his head in his books.
Malcolm felt the weight of the world was on his chest. He always felt like what he wanted to say was right on the tip of his tongue, but he could never just let it all the way out. And yeah, he had felt supported after naming his sexuality, but this was different. This was heavier. And he didn’t know how all of them—his friends, his family, his father—would take it.
Malcolm spent three hours in his room working on homework. But he really wasn’t working on it. He was rereading passages over and over. Just stuck in his head contemplating what to do. Malcolm finally got up and went into the sewing room to talk to Big Nanny. But when he opened the door and saw what was hanging on the rack, he gasped.
The two-piece design Malcolm had started was no more. The jacket was now attached to the pants, making it a one-piece outfit, and at the hips of the outfit there now was a long, flowing train attached. Through the opening in the front, the floral pattern of purple and red shimmered against the gorgeous black fabric.
“This is so beautiful, Big Nanny,” he said.
But Malcolm still felt his nerves creeping in. He looked over at Big Nanny.
“I can’t wear this, Big Nanny. I’m not ready for it.”
Big Nanny gave him a look. “Ready for what, Malcolm? I know you, baby. We know you. It’s okay. You can say it to me.”
Malcolm’s eyes filled up with tears. He wanted to speak, but the words couldn’t seem to escape his mouth.
Big Nanny patted the seat next to her. “Sit down, Malcolm, I wanna tell you a story.” She took a deep breath and went on. “Your uncle Frank isn’t really your dad’s brother.”
Malcolm’s eyes got big as quarters at that. “What??”
“When your dad was fifteen, he and Frank were best friends. Back during that time, Frank was what you would refer to as ‘soft.’ I think the word they used back then was ‘sissy.’ Well, one day, Frank’s father found out that he was gay. He hurt Frank pretty badly. Your dad always knew about Frank but never cared. So when Frank came to him, your dad brought him back to the house and asked if Frank could stay with us. Of course I took him in without a second thought, and the two have remained best friends ever since.”
Malcolm looked up at Big Nanny in awe. “I never knew that about Daddy. He just always seems so closed off. Like, I know he loves me, but it just isn’t his easiest emotion to show.”
“I know, baby. But one thing I do know is that your father is one of the most caring and understanding people on this earth. And that you shouldn’t be afraid to tell him your truth. ’Cause if he even tries to reject you, I’ll knock him out.”
Malcolm sat up and laughed. “Thanks, Big Nanny.”
She pulled Malcolm in for a tight hug. “Okay, now let’s practice.”
Malcolm gave her a sharp look. “Uh, practice what?”
“Your truth. Go ahead and stand right there and say what you’ve always wanted to say!”
Malcolm wanted to say that he couldn’t. That it was too much. But then he drew himself up and stood tall in front of Big Nanny. He grabbed the outfit off the hanger and walked behind the dressing wall they had in the room. Once he’d tried it on, he came from around the corner and saw it for the first time in the mirror. He couldn’t keep the smile from tugging at his cheeks. The outfit needed a few alterations but it was perfect. He felt powerful, like a superhero when they put on their cape.
Malcolm turned and let Big Nanny take a look at him. Then he took in a deep breath and finally said the words:
“Big Nanny. I am nonbinary. My pronouns are no longer ‘he’ and ‘him.’ I would like to be referred to as ‘they’ and ‘them.’ ”
“Well, all right! Seems to me like you got it down. Now you gonna have to explain to me what non…that word you said fully means, but I think I get what you’re putting down!”
Malcolm let out a big exhale. “Thanks, Big Nanny.”
Big Nanny just smiled and nodded.
“All right, we need to get ready for tomorrow, now. Go and get you some rest.”
Malcolm smiled. Leaned in and gave her a kiss on the cheek. Then they walked into their room, climbed up to the top bunk bed, and clapped twice for the lights to go out. Their little brother, Joshua, was already asleep. Malcolm took a deep breath and closed their eyes.
* * *
It was finally the big day. Malcolm had butterflies running through their stomach. They took a shower, ate brea
kfast, and relaxed a little bit. The party didn’t start until noon, so they had some time to get their thoughts together. But before Malcolm knew it, it was eleven o’clock.
Big Nanny peeked out of the sewing room and saw Malcolm sitting in the living. Malcolm looked over to her and grinned. Big Nanny grinned right back. “Time to get dressed!”
Malcolm stood on a little footstool that Big Nanny’s mother had made many years ago. You couldn’t see the stool, though, because it was all being covered by the train that extended out about seven feet from Malcolm’s waist. A beautiful floral print jumpsuit with the floral print train to match. Malcolm had on their superhero cape again. The outfit gave them the powers of truth.
Malcolm looked back over their shoulder. “I think I’m ready, Big Nanny.”
Big Nanny winked. “Let’s do this.”
Malcolm came down off the footstool and began walking toward the door. Big Nanny grabbed the train to make sure it wasn’t dragging on the floor. Malcolm walked through the house toward the back door, where everyone was awaiting them outside.
Big Nanny exited first. Malcolm looked out the window to see everyone out there—Janet, their friends, their family, even Uncle Frank warming up the crowd with some Jersey club music. A lump formed in Malcolm’s throat and their hands got clammy. Malcolm rubbed their sweaty hands on the train. Then they grabbed the train and looked back at it trailing behind. Malcolm took another breath and knew they were ready.
“May I have your attention, please,” Big Nanny said, clapping her hands to get the crowd to quiet down. “My grandbaby Malcolm has something to tell all of you. I would like for you all to gather around and allow Malcolm the space to say what needs to be said.”
Everyone looked around in confusion. Malcolm’s parents looked at one another and took a sip of their drinks.
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