“Come on, let’s play some ball before my mom catches me out here.” I watched as he walked away from me, further into our yard. It took a second, but I was eventually able to get my legs to work and I jogged over to catch up.
We tossed the ball back and forth in a steady rhythm and he asked me for my name and where I had moved from. He told me his name was Sean and that he’d seen me out in the yard a few times and had been waiting for an opportunity to come over and say hi. I was shocked to learn that he’d been watching me and it made a tingle go up my spine, but in a good way. A very good way.
Sean was really easy to talk to and I found myself laughing with him a lot. We had many things in common, including music, video games, and books. I was disappointed to find out that while we were the same age, he was home schooled and wouldn’t be attending the public school with me.
“I’m trying to convince my parents to let me go, but I don’t know if they’ll go for it,” he said.
“Why would they say no if they know you’d rather go there?” I asked.
“Because I get sick a lot.” Sean stared at the ball in his hand for a few seconds and then looked up at me as if he were deciding whether to tell me something or not. “I used to have leukemia,” he finally blurted out.
I’d heard the word before and I was pretty sure it was a type of cancer, but beyond that I didn’t know anything about it. My stomach knotted and I wanted to tell him I was sorry, to ask him if he was alright, but he was watching my face closely and I knew that how I reacted would make the difference in whether he stayed or went back to his own house. I liked him and I was in desperate need of a new friend so I kept my face blank when I spoke.
“You said used to, right?” I asked.
“Yeah, I’ve been in remission almost a year now,” he answered cautiously.
I shrugged my shoulders and then held my hand out. “They should let you go to school. Maybe we’d even end up in the same classes,” I said casually.
I held my breath, praying I’d said the right thing. Sean stared at me for what felt like ages and then the most beautiful smile spread across his face, lighting it up and it felt like Christmas and my birthday all in one. He tossed the ball to me and we resumed our game back and forth as we laughed and joked and got to know each other.
Sean went back inside when he heard his mom calling him, after explaining that she worried about him way too much and preferred it when he stayed inside where she could see him. He rolled his eyes and laughed, but I could tell it bothered him. I would’ve gone crazy if I could never go anywhere or do anything. Maybe his mom would let me come over to their house sometimes, that way Sean and I could still hang out.
I went back into my house and told my parents all about my new friend. I wasn’t even sure they got a word in during dinner, but they looked happy to see me finally smiling again. Their happiness turned to concern though when I told them about Sean being sick, but I assured them that he was in remission, because Sean had made that sound like a good thing. They frowned when I told them about Sean wanting to go to school and I saw them exchange a look. My parents did that a lot, communicating with each other with just a look. They said it was because they were in love, I just thought it was weird.
As soon as I got to my room, I logged onto my computer and searched leukemia, hoping to learn everything I could so I wouldn’t say something stupid in front of Sean. I was surprised at how many different types of leukemia there were though as well as things called stages and treatment options and big medical terms that I couldn’t even begin to pronounce. Frustrated, I shut down my computer and went to bed.
The next day, my mom baked a cake and asked me to carry it as we walked over to Sean’s house. She told me she wanted to introduce herself and get off to a good start with the neighbors, but I knew she was up to something. I didn’t get to ask her more about it though because the door swung open and Sean’s mother was standing there with Sean smiling at me over her shoulder.
Sean’s mom invited us in to have some cake and she and my mom seemed to hit it off. Sean took me to his room to show me his video game collection while our moms had coffee. By the time we left their house, Sean’s mother had invited me to come over whenever I wanted and had told my mom that she would talk things over with her husband. They’d hugged each other and then my mom and I walked back to our house.
“What was all that about when she said she’d talk to Sean’s dad?” I asked.
“Oh, I just talked to her a little about how it would be nice if the two of you could go to the same school. She said she’d talk it over with her husband,” Mom answered nonchalantly. I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and she turned back when she realized I was no longer beside her.
“Are you serious?” I asked, getting excited.
“Don’t get your hopes up too much, I don’t want you to be disappointed. They may still say no. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to let your child out of your sight after everything they’ve been through.”
I heard what she was saying, but all I could concentrate on was the fact that there was a chance, a possibility that Sean and I could spend the school year together. I grabbed my mom in a bear hug, not caring that we were standing out where anyone could drive by and see. At that moment, I wasn’t a fifteen-year-old boy trying to be cool, I was a fifteen-year-old with a mom who could work miracles.
I looked up and saw Hudson and Isaac each smiling as they listened intently to my story. My heart actually felt lighter as I talked about Sean, even better than when I had told Caleb and Giovanni. Of course, I’d given them a much more condensed version. With Hudson and Isaac, I found myself wanting to tell them everything.
“Sean and I saw each other nearly every day after that. The only time we missed was when he had to go to a doctor appointment, but each one of those ended in good news and finally, by the start of the school year, his parents had agreed to let him attend the public high school with me.” I smiled at the two men across from me.
“We were inseparable. We walked to school together since neither of us could drive and had almost all the same classes. Sean’s mom had decided over the summer that it was okay for him to hang out at my house so after school we did our homework together, alternating houses. He was my first real friend and I was his. We were very close and shared everything with each other, but I never had the nerve to ask him if he liked girls or boys, and he never really talked about either one.” I glanced up and saw Isaac and Hudson still listening.
“One night a couple years after we met, we were doing homework in my room. I was reading out loud from my history book and I looked up when I noticed Sean had stopped taking notes. He was staring at me with an odd expression on his face and then he leaned forward and kissed me.” I closed my eyes as I remembered the sweetness of that very first kiss.
“First kisses are the best,” Isaac said. I opened my eyes and saw him turning to look at Hudson with a dreamy expression on his face. I was glad that Hudson and I had both been able to share firsts with Isaac. Hudson smiled back at him, a soft look in his eyes and then he turned to me.
“What happened next?” he asked.
“Oh, I kissed him back. I’d been wanting to do it for two years and it was like Sean had opened a floodgate.” Hudson and Isaac laughed at that and I joined in. It felt good to laugh at the memories and I had them to thank for that.
“After that, it was pretty clear that we both liked boys and particularly each other. We agreed to be exclusive, which wasn’t very hard considering neither one of us went anywhere without the other. We were each other’s first everything and I loved him with my whole heart, so when he asked me to marry him on graduation day, I said yes.” I heard Isaac’s soft gasp and I looked up at him.
“You and Sean were married?” he asked.
I shrugged my shoulders. “Unfortunately, same-sex marriage wasn’t legalized in Illinois until several years later, but we had a private ceremony and exchanged rings. We made vows to each other before God an
d our families regardless of what the state said. So yes, we were married in all the ways that mattered,” I explained. Isaac smiled at me.
“After we got married we found a small apartment off campus and started taking classes at the college. Sean decided to major in law. He told me he wanted to do something that would make a difference for the LGBTQA community. He figured if he majored in law, maybe he could help change some of the laws like the one that kept people from marrying whoever they chose. I majored in education because I wanted to work with kids.” I smiled, thinking how I had still ended up doing that even if it wasn’t in a classroom.
“Towards the middle of our second year of college, Sean got sick. We thought it was just the flu, but after a while he just wasn’t getting better. The doctor ran a series of tests and I held Sean’s hand as he told us that the cancer was back. I remember feeling like I was staring down a tunnel at the doctor as he explained that the cancer had remained undetected for a long time and by the time it had presented itself in what we had thought was the flu, it was already at stage four.”
My chest felt tight as I remembered the hopeless feeling of seeing the man I loved dying and knowing there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. I’d tried though, I’d begged and pleaded for God to take it away, to give it to me instead, but neither of those things happened. I rubbed at my chest to ease the ache and Hudson and Isaac moved to sit on either side of me on the couch.
“Do you want to stop?” Hudson asked and I heard the catch in his voice. I looked at him and then Isaac who had tears streaming down his cheeks and I shook my head.
“I need to do this. I need to tell you,” I told them. Isaac grabbed one of my hands and held it in his lap. Hudson wrapped an arm around my shoulder and laid his other hand on my leg. I took a deep breath, drawing strength from their closeness.
“Sean did everything the doctors told him to do. He knew all the dreams we had for our future; vacations, kids, buying our first house. He fought like hell to hold on, but eventually the cancer was just too much and I held his hand as he took his last breath. It was almost exactly six years to the day that we met.”
I gasped as the tears I’d been trying so hard to hold back came crashing forward and I doubled over from the pain of reliving the day I’d lost my husband. Hudson and Isaac wrapped their arms around me, whispering soothing words in my ears and letting me get it all out. Eventually, my sobs quieted, but they continued to hold me until I raised my head.
“Thank you,” I whispered hoarsely.
“Thank you for sharing that with us,” Hudson said.
“Is that why you started Agape House? Because Sean had wanted to make a difference in the LGBTQA community?” Isaac asked.
“Sean’s parents came to me shortly after he died and they told me that I had made their son happier than they could’ve ever hoped for. They said that they’d been so afraid of losing him after the first round of cancer that they’d held on too tight, nearly suffocating him. They told me that because of me, Sean had truly lived a full life. They gave me the remainder of the money they had set aside for Sean’s education, saying that they knew I would do something good with it, something to honor their son.
“I combined Sean’s dreams with my dream of working with kids and I started Agape House. Every teen that we’re able to help at the center, has Sean to thank,” I said proudly.
“Including me,” Isaac whispered. I turned to look at him and saw fresh tears running down his face. I reached out and wiped them away with my thumb.
“Including you,” I whispered back and a slow smile spread across my face.
“Why did you get drunk?” Hudson asked and my head whipped around at him, surprised by the sudden change in topic. He looked almost sad as he asked me, “Did I push you to do something you weren’t ready for?”
“No, that wasn’t it at all,” I said, shaking my head. “I’ve been with other men since I lost Sean,” I admitted quietly. “Not many and only when I felt like I would suffocate from the loneliness.” Isaac’s hand tightened in mine and I squeezed his fingers gently.
“So, what made this time different?” Hudson asked.
“Because you guys are different,” I told them honestly, then I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’ve spent the last several years going to work and then coming home, day after day and for the most part that was enough. I was fulfilled by my job and I spent all day surrounded by people. When the loneliness got to be too much, I’d hook up with someone, but I realized I wasn’t living, I was only existing, and that wasn’t fair to Sean. That wasn’t what he would want for me, but I didn’t know how to change it.
“Then we had the grand opening and I met you,” I said to Hudson. I turned to Isaac. “And felt like I was meeting you for the first time. I couldn’t believe the way I reacted to the two of you. The zing of electricity and the way my heart pounded in my chest; I hadn’t felt like that since…”
“Sean.” Hudson finished for me. I nodded, unable to say it out loud.
“I felt like I’d betrayed him in some way so I tried to stay away from both of you other than work, but it was harder than I thought it’d be. The loneliness seemed to get even worse when I saw you two getting closer. I wanted so badly to join you when you went to dinner that first night and again when I saw you kissing in Isaac’s office, but I stopped myself.
“Then I talked with Caleb. I told him a little bit about Sean and he convinced me that I needed to get out more. He made me promise that I’d at least try. I knew he was right so I agreed. That’s why I went to the club. Plus, I knew you two would be there and I wanted to see what this thing between us was.”
“But you weren’t ready?” Isaac asked.
“No, I was ready. I loved everything we did that night. I liked being with both of you, touching you, tasting you both, being inside you,” I said while looking at Isaac. I watched as pink tinged his cheeks and thought to myself once again that he was so beautiful.
“I enjoyed all of it and I was fine until I was alone in the back of the cab and I realized I was really happy for the first time in years. That’s when the guilt hit me. It was almost as if by being with the two of you, I was forgetting Sean and everything we had shared together. By the time I got home, I couldn’t breathe and I just wanted something to numb the pain. I knew I was drinking way too much, but it felt good to not hurt for a while so I just kept drinking.”
Hudson looked at me tenderly. “It sounds like Sean was an incredible man,” he said.
“He was, he was the best,” I agreed.
“What you two shared sounds amazing. There’s no way you’ll ever be able to forget him or what he meant to you, and you shouldn’t,” Isaac chimed in. I stared into his kind eyes. Hearing him say it out loud, I felt ridiculous because Isaac was right. There was no way I could ever forget Sean and the love we’d shared.
“Let me ask you something, Matt,” Hudson said. His eyes were gentle, but serious. “Do you care about me and Isaac?”
“Yes, of course I do,” I answered quickly.
“Did you ever think you’d care about two men at once?” I wasn’t sure where he was headed with his questions, but I shook my head no. “If your heart has room for you to care about both of us at the same time, then what makes you think there isn’t room for three?” I couldn’t answer. I felt like such a fool for thinking that it was an either-or situation. Just because I cared about the two men sitting next to me didn’t mean I had to stop loving Sean.
“If Sean were here right now, what do you think he’d tell you to do?” Hudson asked softly.
I was quiet for several moments as I gave his question serious thought. I closed my eyes and pictured Sean’s face, the way he used to smile at me and the sound of his laugh. Before he’d gotten sick, he was so full of life. He was always excited to try new things and the first one to suggest something adventurous. It was almost as if he’d known he was on borrowed time and wanted to make the most of his life while he cou
ld. He would be devastated to learn that I’d quit living the day I lost him. I opened my eyes because I had my answer.
“He’d want me to be happy. He’d want me to enjoy life to its fullest and grab as much happiness as I possibly could,” I answered.
“What would make you happy?” Isaac asked beside me. I felt a sense of peace as I looked at him and then at Hudson.
“Being with the two of you.”
I hadn’t even realized how nervous I’d been until Matt admitted that Isaac and I made him happy, and suddenly, I felt like I could breathe again. I’d known Matt had something that was keeping him from opening up to us. Even when we’d slept together, as wonderful as it was, I knew he’d been holding a part of himself back. It weighed heavily on my mind, but I couldn’t push him or force him to talk until he was ready. I wasn’t his therapist and I didn’t want to be.
I wanted to be more.
I wanted to be the man that Matt and Isaac chose to come to with their secrets and their worries. Not because they were paying me to listen, but because they trusted me to be there for them and take care of them. I felt protective of the two of them, but I also wanted them to provide shelter for me when I needed it. I wanted a relationship.
When I’d woken that morning, I still wasn’t sure if that were possible, but after Matt had told us everything, I was more hopeful than ever. I’d been shocked to learn he’d been married before, but the love and devotion he still carried for his first love, proved what a remarkable man Matt truly was. He cared deeply about others and when he gave someone his heart, he gave it fully and forever.
I’d grown up without either of my parents, and while Nonna and Aysha had made sure I’d felt loved, there had always been a part of me that had wondered why my parents hadn’t. I’d had boyfriends I’d cared about and who had cared about me, but I’d never had someone treat me like I was their whole world. As I listened to Matt talk about Sean, I realized they’d had that, and while I was happy for them, I also wanted it for myself.
Uniting the Souls Page 14