Old Man's War

by John Scalzi

  From across the room, the new me opened his eyes.

  “I did that,” Dr. Russell said.

  “He’s got cat’s eyes,” I said.

  “You’ve got cat’s eyes,” Dr. Russell said. “Both connections are clear and noise-free. I’m going to start the transfer now. You’re going to feel a little disoriented.” A PDA tap—

  —and I fell

  waaaaaaaaaaaaay down

  (and felt like I was being pressed hard through a fine mesh mattress)

  and all the memories I ever had hit me in the face like a runaway brick wall

  one clear flash of standing at the altar

  watching kathy walk down the aisle

  seeing her foot catch the front of her gown

  a small stutter in her step

  then she corrected beautifully

  smiled up at me as if to say

  yeah like that’s going to stop me

  *another flash of kathy where the hell did i put the vanilla and then the clatter of the mixing bowl hitting kitchen tile*

  (god damn it kathy)

  And then I’m me again, staring into Dr. Russell’s room feeling dizzy and looking straight at Dr. Russell’s face and also the back of his head and thinking to myself, Damn, that’s a neat trick, and it seems like I just had that thought in stereo.

  And it hits me. I’m in two places at the same time.

  I smile and see the old me and the new me smile simultaneously.

  “I’m breaking the laws of physics,” I say to Dr. Russell from two mouths.

  And he says, “You’re in.”

  And then he taps that goddamned PDA of his.

  And there’s just one of me again.

  The other me. I can tell because I’m no longer staring at the new me anymore, I’m looking at the old me.

  And it stares at me like it knows something truly strange has just happened.

  And then the stare seems to say, I’m no longer needed.

  And then it closes its eyes.

  “Mr. Perry,” Dr. Russell said, and then repeated it, and then lightly slapped me on the cheek.

  “Yes,” I said. “I’m here. Sorry.”

  “What’s your full name, Mr. Perry?”

  I thought about it for a second. Then, “John Nicholas Perry.”

  “What’s your birthday?”

  “June tenth.”

  “What was the name of your second-grade teacher?”

  I looked directly at Dr. Russell. “Christ, man. I couldn’t even remember that when I was in my old body.”

  Dr. Russell smiled. “Welcome to your new life, Mr. Perry. You made it through with flying colors.” He unlatched the door to the crèche and opened it wide. “Come out of there, please.”

  I placed my hands—my green hands—on the side of the crèche and pushed outward. I placed my right foot forward and staggered a little bit. Dr. Russell came up beside me and steadied me. “Careful,” he said. “You’ve been an older man for a while. It’s going to take you a little bit of time to remember how to be in a young body.”

  “What do you mean?” I said.

  “Well,” he said. “For one thing, you can straighten up.”

  He was right. I was stooped slightly (kids, drink your milk). I straightened up, and took another step forward. And another. Good news, I remembered how to walk. I cracked a grin like a schoolboy as I paced in the room.

  “How do you feel?” Dr. Russell asked.

  “I feel young,” I said, only a little joyously.

  “You should,” Dr. Russell said. “This body has a biological age of twenty. It’s actually younger than that, but we can grow them fast these days.”

  I jumped experimentally and felt like I bounced halfway back to Earth. “I’m not even old enough to drink anymore,” I said.

  “You’re still seventy-five inside,” Dr. Russell said.

  At that I stopped my little jumping and walked over to my old body, resting in the crèche. It looked sad and sagged, like an old suitcase. I reached out to touch my old face. It was warm, and I felt breath. I recoiled.

  “It’s still alive,” I said, backing away.

  “It’s brain dead,” Dr. Russell said quickly. “All your cognitive functions made the transfer. Once they had, I shut down this brain. It’s running on autopilot—breathing and pumping blood, but nothing more and that only provisionally. Left on its own, it’ll be dead within a few days.”

  I crept back to my old body. “What’s going to happen to it?” I asked.

  “We’ll store it in the short term,” Dr. Russell said. “Mr. Perry, I hate to rush you, but it’s time for you to return to your quarters so I can continue my work with other recruits. We have quite a few to get through before noon.”

  “I have some questions about this body,” I said.

  “We have a brochure,” Dr. Russell said. “I’ll have it downloaded into your PDA.”

  “Gee, thanks,” I said.

  “Not at all,” Dr. Perry said, and nodded toward the Colonials. “These men will escort you back to your quarters. Congratulations again.”

  I walked over to the Colonials, and we turned to go. Then I stopped. “Wait,” I said. “I forgot something.” I walked over to my old body again, still in the crèche. I looked over to Dr. Russell and pointed to the door. “I need to unlock this,” I said. Dr. Russell nodded. I unlocked it, opened it, and took my old body’s left hand. On the ring finger was a simple gold band. I slipped it off and slipped it on my ring finger. Then I cupped my old face with my new hands.

  “Thank you,” I said to me. “Thank you for everything.”

  Then I went out with the Colonials.

  THE NEW YOU

  An introduction to your new body,

  for recruits of the Colonial Defense Forces

  From the staff of Colonial Genetics

  Two centuries of building better bodies!

  [This was the splash page of the brochure waiting for me on my PDA. You’ll just have to imagine the illustration, which echoed the famous da Vinci study of the human body, only with a nude green man where the other dude used to be. But let’s continue.]

  By now, you have received your new body from the Colonial Defense Forces. Congratulations! Your new body is the end result of decades of refinement by the scientists and engineers at Colonial Genetics, and is optimized for the rigorous demands of CDF service. This document will serve to give a brief introduction on the important features and functions of your new body, and provide answers to some of the most common questions recruits have about their new body.

  NOT JUST A NEW BODY—A BETTER BODY

  You’ve surely noticed the green skin tone of your new body. This isn’t merely cosmetic. Your new skin (KloraDerm™) incorporates chlorophyll to provide your body with an extra source of energy and to optimize your body’s use of both oxygen and carbon dioxide. The result: You’ll feel fresher, longer—and better able to perform your duties as a CDF serviceperson! This is only the beginning of the improvements you’ll find in your body. Here are some others:

  Your blood tissue has been replaced by SmartBlood™—a revolutionary system that increases oxygen-carrying capacity fourfold while it guards your body against disease, toxins, and death from blood tissue loss!

  Our patented CatsEye™ technology gives you sight you have to see to believe! Increased rod and cone counts give you better imaging resolution than can be achieved in most naturally evolved systems, while specially designed light amplifiers allow you to see clearly in extreme low-light situations.

  Our UncommonSense™ suite of sense enhancements allows you to touch, smell, hear and taste like you never have before, as our expanded nerve placement and optimized connections expand your perceptual ranges in all sense categories. You’ll feel the difference from the first day!

  How strong do you want to be? With HardArm™ technologies that boost natural muscle strength and reaction time, you’ll be stronger and faster than you ever dreamed possible—so stro
ng and fast, in fact, that by law Colonial Genetics can’t sell this technology on the consumer market. That’s a real “leg up” for you recruits!

  Never be unconnected again! You’ll never lose your BrainPal™ computer because it resides in your own brain. Our proprietary Assistive Adaptive Interface works with you so you can access your BrainPal™ your way. Your BrainPal™ also serves to coordinate nonorganic technologies in your new body, such as SmartBlood™. CDF servicepeople swear by this amazing piece of technology—and so will you.

  BUILDING A BETTER YOU

  You’ll no doubt be amazed at how much your new body can do. But have you wondered how it was designed? You may be interested to know that your body is just the latest series in a line of advanced, improved bodies designed by Colonial Genetics. Through proprietary technology, we adapt both genetic information from other species and the latest in miniaturized robotic technologies to improve your new body. It’s hard work, but you’ll be glad we made the effort!

  From our first improvements nearly two centuries ago, we’ve progressively built on our work. To introduce changes and improvements, we rely first on advanced computer modeling techniques to simulate the effects of each proposed improvement on the entire body system. The improvements that make it through this process are then tested on biological models. Then and only then are improvements incorporated into the final body design, integrated with the “starter” DNA you provide. Rest assured that each body improvement is safe and tested, and designed to make a better you!

  COMMON QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR NEW BODY

  1. Does My New Body Have a Brand Name?

  Yes! Your new body is known as the Defender Series XII, “Hercules” model. Technically, it’s known as CG/CDF Model 12, Revision 1.2.11. This body model is for use only by the Colonial Defense Forces. Additionally, each body has its own model number for maintenance purposes. You can access your own number through your BrainPal™. Don’t worry, you can still use your given name for everyday purposes!

  2. Does My New Body Age?

  The Defender Series body is designed to provide the CDF with optimum performance its entire operating life. To do this, advanced regenerative techniques are employed at the genetic level to reduce natural entropic tendencies. With a basic maintenance regimen, your new body will remain in top condition as long as you operate it. You’ll also find that injuries and disabilities are corrected quickly—so you can be up and running again in no time flat!

  3. Can I Pass These Amazing Improvements to My Children?

  No. Your body and its biological and technological systems are patented by Colonial Genetics and may not be passed on without permission. Also, due to the extensive nature of Defender Series improvements, its DNA is no longer genetically compatible with unmodified humans, and lab tests indicate that Defender Series mating creates incompatibilities lethal to the embryo in every case. Additionally, the CDF has determined that the ability to transmit genetic information is nonessential to its servicepeople’s mission; therefore, each Defender model ships sterile, although other related functionality remains intact.

  4. I’m Worried About the Theological Implications of This New Body. What Should I Do?

  While neither Colonial Genetics nor the CDF maintains an official position on the theological or psychological ramifications of the transfer of consciousness from one body to another, we understand that many recruits may have questions or concerns. Each recruit transport comes equipped with clergy representing most of Earth’s major religions and an additional complement of psychological therapists. We encourage you to seek them out and discuss your questions with them.

  5. How Long Will I Stay in My New Body?

  Defender Series bodies are designed for CDF use; so long as you stay in the CDF, you will be able to use and enjoy the technological and biological advancements of this new body. When you leave the CDF, you will be provided with a new, unaltered human body based on your own original DNA.

  From all of us here at Colonial Genetics, congratulations on your new body! We know it will serve you well through your service in the Colonial Defense Forces. Thanks for your service to the colonies—and enjoy…Your New Body.

  I set the PDA down, went over to the stateroom sink, and looked into the mirror at my new face.

  It was impossible to ignore the eyes. My old body had brown eyes—muddy brown, but with interesting flecks of gold. Kathy used to tell me that she had read that flecks of color in the iris were nothing more than additional fatty tissue. So I had fat eyes.

  If those eyes were fat, these were positively obese. They were gold from the pupil outward toward the rim, where they shaded toward green. The rim of the iris was a deep emerald; spikes of that color stabbed toward the pupils. The pupils themselves were slitted, drawn tight by the light directly above the mirror. I turned off that light and then turned the primary light off as well; the only light in the room was a small LED on the PDA. My old eyes would have never been able to see off of that.

  My new eyes took only a moment to adjust. The room was undeniably dim, but I could make out every object clearly. I went back to the mirror and looked in; my eyes were dilated like someone with a belladonna overdose. I flicked the sink light back on and watched my pupils constrict with impressive speed.

  I took off my clothes and took the first real look at my new body. My earlier impression of my form turned out to be correct; for lack of a better term, I was totally buffed out. I ran my hand down my chest and washboard stomach. I had never been this athletically fit in my life. I had no idea how they managed to make the new me this fit. I wondered how long it would take me to get it into the flabby shape I had been in during my real twenties. Then I wondered, given the amount of fiddling they had done with this body’s DNA, if it was even possible for it to become flabby. I hoped not. I liked the new me.

  Oh, and I was entirely hairless from the eyelashes down.

  I mean, hairless—not a spare hair anywhere. Arms bare, legs bare, back bare (not that it had never not been bare before, ahem), private bits bare. I rubbed my chin to feel if there was a hint of stubble there. Smooth as a baby’s bottom. Or my bottom, now. I looked down at my package; to be honest, without hair, it looked a little forlorn. The hair on my head was full but nondescript brown. That much hadn’t changed from my previous incarnation.

  I held my hand in front of my face to get a look at the skin tone. It was a shade of green that was light but not glaring, which was good; I don’t think I could have handled being chartreuse. My skin was an even tone across my body, although my nipples and the tip of my penis were slightly darker. Basically, I seemed to have the same color contrast as before, just in a different hue. One thing I did notice, however, my veins were more noticeable, and grayish. I suspect that whatever color SmartBlood™ was (whatever it really was), it wasn’t bloodred. I dressed myself again.

  My PDA beeped at me. I picked it up. There was a message waiting.

  You now have access to your BrainPal™ computer system, it read. Would you like to activate it at this time? There were buttons on the screen for YES and NO. I picked YES.

  Suddenly, a deep, rich, soothing voice out of nowhere. I nearly jumped out of my new green skin.

  “Hello!” it said. “You are interfacing with your BrainPal internal computer, with the patented Assistive Adaptive Interface! Do not be alarmed! Thanks to the BrainPal integration, the voice you are now hearing is being generated directly to the hearing centers of your brain.”

  Great, I thought. There’s another voice in my head now.

  “After this brief introductory session, you may turn off the voice at any time. We’ll begin with some options you can choose by answering ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ At this point, your BrainPal would like you to say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ when directed, so that it may learn to recognize this response. So when you are ready, please say the word ‘yes.’ You may say it at any time.”

  The voice stopped. I hesitated, a little bit dazed.

  “Please
say ‘yes’ now,” the voice repeated.

  “Yes!” I said, a little jumpy.

  “Thank you for saying ‘yes.’ Now, please say ‘no.’”

  “No,” I said, and for a moment wondered if the BrainPal™ would think I was saying “no” to its request, get huffy and fry my brain in its own juices.

  “Thank you for saying ‘no,’” the voice said, revealing itself to be something of a literalist. “As we progress together, you will learn in time that you will not need to verbalize these commands in order for your BrainPal to respond to them. However, in the short term, you will probably wish to verbalize while you become comfortable communicating with your BrainPal. At this time, you have the option of continuing with audio, or switching to a text interface. Would you prefer to switch now to a text interface?”

  “God, yes,” I said.

  We will now proceed with a text interface, a line of text read, floating directly in my line of sight. The text was perfectly contrasted against what I was staring at. I moved my head, and the text stayed dead center, the contrast changed to stay perfectly readable at all times. Wild.

  It is recommended that during your initial text session, you remain seated to avoid injuring yourself, the BrainPal wrote. Please sit now. I sat.

  During your initial sessions with your BrainPal™, you will find it easier to communicate by verbalizing. To aid the BrainPal™ in understanding your questions, we will now teach your BrainPal™ to understand your voice as it speaks. Please speak the following phonemes as you read them. In my field of vision, a list of phonemes unspooled. I read them right to left. The BrainPal then had me speak a number of short sentences. I did.

  Thank you, the BrainPal wrote. Your BrainPal™ will now be able to take direction from the sound of your voice. Would you like to personalize your BrainPal™ now?

  “Yes,” I said.

  Many BrainPal™ users find it useful to give their BrainPal™ a name other than BrainPal™. Would you like to name your BrainPal™ at this time?