by Leigh Lennon
“Oh, fuck, did I do that to Declan?” He pointed at our son when his gaze traveled to me. “Bo, did I do this?”
“Stay the fuck away from my son!” His feet swung around the bed, his body pushing up to get to Clara and Declan. She stepped away, and I instinctively shielded them with my body.
“Foxy,” he implored. His eyes were back on me. “Bo, I hadn’t had an episode in years. I was having a dream, something that came on me. Fuck, I’m so sorry.” His eyes watered, and a sorrow so deep crept onto his face, and his whole body went limp. “You’ve got to believe me. I’d never hurt him. Fuck, I love him like you guys love him. You all are my family.”
My own body had an internal response to his words. I straightened it, inching as tall as I could make myself, my eyes bore into his. “You stay the fuck away from us.” I understood I wasn’t being rational. I saw the remorse snake onto his face, mixed with fear and sadness, but this was my son. The boy I’d held when he was only minutes old. I’d never willingly put him in harm’s way, and though I loved this man with every bit of my heart, my son came first.
“Bodhi.” Clara’s innate touch brought me back to reality, and I twisted my entire body to her and Declan. “I think we need to get him to the hospital. He’s pretty groggy.”
Jack attempted to follow us, but he’d not attached his prosthetic. Before I could stop him, Clara handed me our son, and she stepped around my protection. “I know you didn’t mean to, and I can see you’re both scared and fearful for Declan. But I don’t think you should come with us.”
He fell to his knees, an explosion of whimpers escaping his mouth. “Please, don’t leave me.”
I watched them as she fell to her knees, too, her arms encircling his body. “I’m not leaving you, not the way you think.” She stroked his head, kissing his cheek, whispering something I could not hear. “I need you to stay here at Bo’s place. I will call you as soon as we know something.”
I was not okay with this, and though my thoughts were unreasonable, my son moaning in my arms was the only thing my brain could concentrate on. “C, come, let’s go.”
I wouldn’t watch this any longer, and when she met me in my little foyer, by the door, a livid expression pulled at her brows. “This wasn’t his fault,” she spat.
“I’m not entertaining this subject right now, Clara.” Every word was emphasized, it wasn’t just a twinge of anger that radiated in my voice, but an entire army of anger fortifying and justifying each word I spoke.
When we reached the emergency room, we recognized one of the doctors, more so he recognized us right away, so he brought us back immediately to a triage area. Declan refused to sit on the examining table, and the doctor kneeled in front of Declan, who stayed on Clara’s lap.
“Hey, guys, fancy meeting you here,” Jordan Peters teased. Dr. Jordan Peters was good friends with Dominic’s brother, Daimen. More so, Jordan understood the dynamics of a committed triad, being in one himself.
“Hey, buddy,” he began, “I heard you fell.” We hadn’t really thought of what we would say, given it was the doctor’s responsibility to report cases like this.
“He fell off the bed.” Clara’s explanation was a little too quick, but it was the honest truth.
His slight glance at me and back at Clara told us he understood more about Jack’s condition than we’d thought. Daimen, Arden, and Elliot would have known with Daria’s impromptu trip to Chicago about his last episode. If Jordan did know more, he wasn’t letting on, at least for now.
“Okay, buddy, let’s get you looked at.”
The poor kid hated hospitals and doctors’ offices to an extreme, and he clung to his mom. “No sit on tabal.” His demand was met with a soft smile from Jordan.
“No problem, buddy. I can look at you while you sit on your mom’s lap.”
My mind was so focused on my son the entire time that the way I’d reacted to Jack hit me all at once. Like I had with Clara, a couple of weeks ago, I was only concerned for the person immediately hurt, and my heart filled with remorse. “C?” I called to her, and I got her attention. Waving my phone in the air, I jutted my head to the hall. She instinctively knew what I needed to do.
Pressing his name on the screen, I watched as a picture of Jack popped up on my cell, holding Declan. My hand went limp, and I almost dropped my phone. This man wouldn’t harm him. Fuck, he wanted to be a second dad to Declan. More than just a stepdad, he wanted to be an equal with us. And I had no doubt there were stepparents out in the world who loved their stepchildren like their own, simply because he or she loved their spouse completely. But it was more so with Jack in a way. He loved us so much, and Declan was an extension of the love we shared.
My fingers instantly began to sweat, and between the moisture of my hands and the shakiness of it all, my phone slipped out of my grasp. By the time I picked it back up, the call had been sent to voice mail. I called, and I called, and I couldn’t get him.
Four calls turned into ten, and by the time I knew it, I’d called over twenty times. My pulse had quickened as the worst-case scenarios ran through my mind. “Bo?” Clara’s voice pulled me out of my panic.
Jordan was behind her, and peeking through the window, I saw that a nurse sat with Dec, reading him a book.
Jordan shoved his hands in the pockets of his white coat. “So what really happened?” Clara’s breathing sped up in her panic. I squeezed one eye shut as Jordan’s gaze was on mine.
“No judgment. What you tell me stays between us.” His doctor tone was stern, but when he leaned in, moving closer to us, I didn’t miss his concern.
“Jack’s PTSD has worsened. We kept him away from Declan until we thought he had a handle on it, but Declan always crawls into bed with me when I’m home. He climbed over Jack to get to me… and well, he started thrashing, and the rest is history.”
“I’ve treated my share of veterans with PTSD, and a trigger will worsen it. And as I understand, it was a pretty big trigger. His doctor and therapist will give you all guidelines to follow to protect you. And maybe, for now, no overnights. And at least, we now know how he reacts, so you all will be able to move on.” Offering this bright side continued to give me hope, though the fact I couldn’t get ahold of him was gnawing away at me like an itch I couldn’t scratch.
“The good news is there’s no sign of a concussion. I want to check his blood sugar for now and keep him for a couple of hours.” He stared at the chart, and I understood he wasn’t finished. “If it were me, I’d suggest one of you, probably you, Bodhi, go find Jack. If I were to wager an educated guess, I’d say he’s probably beating himself up really good right about now.” He didn’t impart anymore advice, and left Clara and me alone.
“Did you get ahold of him?” She was biting at her nails, and I was just as worried as she was.
“No, he wouldn’t answer. I’m going to call Dom and have him check my house. Then I’ll check his; that way, more ground can be covered.” She pushed up on her tippy toes, throwing her hands around my neck.
“I’ll call Mom. When she gets here, I’ll join you.” She buried her face into my shoulder, small sobs soaking my shirt. “Find him, Bo. Don’t let anything happen to him.” In her petitions surrounding our fear and uncertainty, I was fully aware of what a dire situation this was. My shoulders tightened, and I couldn’t stop my uncontrolled shaking.
But it didn’t stop me from vowing the one thing I had known I shouldn’t. “I will, Triple C, I promise.”
All the efforts of Dom, Clara, and myself served to be fruitless. I was at Jack’s office waiting for Emily to arrive, and in her downcast eyes, she knew something I didn’t.
“I don’t know where he is, just that he left. But I have something for you. If you can follow me to my desk, I’ll get it.”
I wanted to demand more out of his secretary, but it was useless because Jack would never make Emily lie to us. It was not his nature.
She quickly booted up her computer, moving her mouse around until
the printer began to copy something. With the crisp paper in her hand, she handed it to me face down. “I honestly don’t know what’s going on or where he is. I promise.”
Reaching for what I’d guess was a note, I gave her a curt nod. Folding it in half, I decided to pocket it until I was with Clara, and we could read it together.
Clara was pacing the floor when I opened the door to my apartment. It was our hope he’d make it back to my place, but now I knew it was not going to happen. “Did you find him?” She was whispering since her mom had just brought Declan home from the hospital a couple of hours ago.
Pulling at the paper in my jacket pocket, I waved it in front of her. “I waited until we were together to read this.”
As we both sat down and read Jack’s words in silence, it was like he was audibly speaking to the both of us.
To Foxy and Bo,
One could call this the coward’s way out, and, fuck, after I busted your chops about not facing a problem head-on, Bo, it may look like I’m doing the exact same thing. But after hurting Declan, who I love like he was my own, I knew what I needed to do. I’m not sure when I’ll be back, but the reason I’m leaving is that when I’m able to return, we can continue our future together. I can’t go around physically hurting those I love. I’d rather die. Don’t worry, I’m certainly not going to harm myself. I’m still on board with the plans we made last night, but I’ve got to do this. I didn’t talk to you about it because you wouldn’t have let me leave, nor would I have wanted to. Do everything you planned, and I hope when I return, we can begin again. I’m sorry to hurt you—I’m actually protecting you.
Love you both so much,
Jack
Tears were falling quickly from her eyes, and all I could do to comfort her was hold her, and as I did, my own tears mingled with her own.
36
Jack
My eyes searched the endless clouds from the window seat on the plane. I’d hurt my woman and a boy I wanted to raise as mine. And through all of this, I hurt Bodhi, too. The three people in this world I’d move heaven and earth for and I’d never be able to absolve myself of this guilt. Yet I was only leaving to get better. I wanted to return to them, but if I were to look in their eyes right now, I’d crumple.
The thought of being away from them all, especially for an unknown amount of time, tore at my heart. But this was for everyone’s safety, especially Declan’s.
My mind raced to a time I was happy with no cares in the world. I was born for the military, and I was fucking great at it. It would have been even better when my tour was up, and I’d transfer to the JAG Corps.
When I landed at my final destination, my heart fell with a text from Bodhi.
Bo: Do you not get it, we’re stronger together, as three.
I powered down my phone because I couldn’t have it at the monastery anyway.
My days were spent in meditation, studying, and more meditation. After all of my meditation, I ran with my prosthetic made for exercise. It was all I did, that and think of my little family I left behind. The nightmares got less in regard to my PTSD, yet the nightmare of tossing Dec across the room still haunted me.
The way Clara curled her fingers around her hair when she was nervous, or how Bodhi could dirty every clean dish in the kitchen. I missed playing Matchbox cars with Dec along with his dinosaurs. I never thought I’d say it, but, hell, I missed Paw Patrol.
When all of this flooded my mind, I knew what I had to do. I sat down after my morning run before my next meditation with a paper and pen and wrote the letter I should have written years ago.
Dear Shelby and Willow,
From there, my heart filled this letter with every regret, every hope, and every dream I had when it came to my best friend’s family. It was both therapeutic and gave me promise for my future.
37
Clara
One week turned into two, and two weeks turned into a month. We’d gotten one postcard from Jack, telling us he’d reached his destination, and it was postmarked from India of all places. I’d often wondered if he went back to the monks where he’d found so much inner peace. At least we knew where he was.
I was running late for a meeting with Bodhi and our realtor, and I still was filled with self-doubt if this was the right thing to do. In Jack’s absence, Bodhi and I had healed in areas of our relationship I didn’t know needed healing. He was honest with me, to a fault, down to even the smallest details. He hated me using the spare chair in the bedroom as a laundry basket instead of throwing my dirty items into the actual basket and hanging up my clean clothes. It would sound ridiculous to most, but for someone who hated confrontation as much as Bo had, he was doing the one thing both Jack and I wanted—being honest.
Bo read the uncertainty when my fingers found their way to my mouth. “It’s okay, Triple C. This is what he wanted.”
He wanted us to live life for his return, but I didn’t know when it would be. “All we are doing is looking. No decisions have to be made.”
When my realtor had called me, letting me know a larger unit in my building was available with the same footprint as mine, just bigger and with more bedrooms, I jumped at the opportunity to see it. It was similar to my floor plan, so it would be easier for Declan. It was my hope his bedroom would be in the same part of the house.
I gasped, walking into a home so familiar to my own, just a longer walkway, where two more bedrooms sat at the entrance, the second bedroom on the right was exactly laid out the same as Dec’s room, and there would be room for a home office for Jack, a guest room, and a baby’s room, if the time ever came. The living room was similar, but instead of a brick wall separating the eat-in kitchen with the living space, it was wide open. The same marble countertops adorned the surfaces of the kitchen with similar white cabinets. My office was behind the living space, but it had a single door to the left of the wall, and not in the middle and the door to what would be our bedroom, opened the other way. All in all, this was the perfect space for us.
“It’s exactly what we wanted, Triple C.” His arm was draped around my shoulder the entire time, whispering ideas of how we could furnish it. “I promise, no glass or metal. We’ll decorate any way your little heart desires.”
He was pushing for this, and part of me knew it was the right decision, but the other part wanted Jack to be here with us, too.
I placed every reference book in boxes and although we were only moving a couple of floors up, every book had to move with me, too. It was a long process, but in my solitude, I focused on Jack coming back to us, ready for our future.
The phone began to ring, and I wanted to ignore it, but I jumped at it, in the hope it was Jack. The name on the screen did put a smile on my face, when I answered, “Hey, Bitchity Bitch.”
I’d missed Daria, but as she was the last time I saw her, she’d not been open about her relationship with Logan. It was weird. Though she was a private woman, she never was this guarded.
“Hey, Bitchity Babe, you’ve been on my mind lately. Any news on your other man who is MIA?” Daria asked.
She was very direct, and in a way, it was true that he was missed so fucking much. My heart was half, like it was before Bodhi came back in it, but now, it was half again because of Jack.
“No, just the postcard I told you about.”
“Fuck, Clara, I’m sorry. But I don’t blame him. He has to get over his guilt. It’s a process.”
I sighed, agreeing with her. “Yeah, I get that, but do you know what would make me feel better?” I teased.
She laughed through the connection. “Yeah, I’m not ready to open up about Logan, not yet, but I promise, once I am, you’ll be the first to know.”
It was worth a try, but one day, I’d know more about Logan, and I’d be there for my best friend as she was always there for me.
Life continued, and I was hard at work on the last chapter in Savannah and Bryant’s book. Did they get their HEA? I wouldn’t tell a person, not even Bodhi, how it end
ed, but this had been the most passionate and personal book I’d yet to write. It followed my own journey with Bo and Jack. Savannah was never in a threesome, yet for her time period, her life was just as taboo or even more, being an unwed pregnant woman. There were trust issues to overcome between her and Bryant being virtual strangers, and early on, the man went out of his way to hurt her. But as the story progressed, the reader would understand he didn’t know how to deal with such a delicate situation—just as Bo hadn’t when he wasn’t honest about his sexuality.
Missing Jack made the vulnerability so much deeper, and as I penned the last couple of words, Bodhi’s presence could be felt at the doorway of my new office. “How’s it going, baby?” My body twirled around in the chair to the smell of coffee in his hands. I’d just written the end and lunged to get to him and my cup of heavenly java.
“Just finished it,” I beamed, standing on my tiptoes to kiss him.
“Good. Great timing, because I have something I want to share with you, but I needed to wait until your book was done.”
He’d talked me into working from home today. He’d still taken Declan to daycare and had arrived an hour ago, leaving me to my task at hand.
Following him into the living room, we’d decided to move all of my older furniture upstairs. We’d not decorated yet, and it was our hope that the three of us could, when Jack returned.
I cuddled into him, placing my coffee on the table in front of the sectional. My eyes followed his hand movements when he pulled a letter from his back pocket. “This was in the mail yesterday. I knew you’d never finish your commitment to your book, so I held off on reading it until you were done. If you’re pissed, I’m sorry, but I was doing what was right for you.”