by T L Swan
I wake with a start as the pain in my arm throbs; it’s gone to sleep. I must have fallen asleep. Josh is still out cold and asleep in my arms. I smile and gently kiss his forehead again. I slowly peel myself out from under him and head to the bathroom. En route to the kitchen I walk past the foyer and see his phone and keys on my side table. I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it I walk over and pick up his phone and swipe it on. It’s unlocked. Shit. I look around, I shouldn’t be doing this. I feel like a naughty kid. I go to his messages, the last message he sent being:
10.45 to Ben: I’m at my girl’s.
DO NOT DISTURB
I smile, am I his girl? A frisson of excitement runs through me—he makes me feel like a schoolgirl.
I put a key to my apartment on your keyring.
Please use it.
XXX
I scroll through the next few messages between us.
11.15 am to Adrian: Get me a coffee while you’re out.
I keep scrolling through, nothing interesting here.
Monday 7.30 am from Adrian :
Are you expecting a text from Cinderella?
Huh, Monday morning, that’s after he left me. Was he waiting for me to call? Surely not. I frown, that’s confusing. I exit the messages and go into the images. There is a photo of me asleep. I’m naked so it must have been Sunday night. Hmm, happy with that shot just quietly. Then there are five photos of me from the wedding in which a face–splitting smile breaks my face. A photo of Adrian sticking his finger up at the camera, obviously unimpressed. Ten photos of horses and then there is a photo of a beautiful blonde girl with one of the horses. Who the hell is this? Maybe the photo is of the horse. To my dismay the next photo is of the girl on her own, smiling. She’s…stunning. It’s a natural shot taken outside, maybe on a picnic blanket. Another few photos of horses and then another photo of the blonde, on a boat this time. What the fuck? Who is this girl? He told me he doesn’t date. Was he lying? Going on picnics and boat rides is definitely a frigging date in my books. There are a total of twenty photos on his phone and this girl makes the cut and now I can’t even ask who she is because I’m not even supposed to know she exists. I click out of the phone in disgust with myself. I tell my clients every day, ‘Don’t snoop because you will only upset yourself. If you don’t have trust in a relationship then you have nothing.’ What a crock. I get my glass of water and drink it at the sink while I calm myself down. She’s probably a friend. My gut instincts tell me otherwise. What an idiot, why did I do that? I amble back to the bedroom and walk around to Josh’s side of the bed. As I go to switch off the lamp I see Joshua’s clothes on the floor. I pretend I don’t notice and go to pull back the blankets.
“Pyjamas off,” he says darkly. I smile and raise my eyebrows. “From now on, our bed is a pyjama – free zone,” he breathes.
“It is, is it?” I raise my eyebrows. Our bed, I love the sound of that.
“And why can’t I wear pyjamas?” I slide them off and sit on the side of the bed. He runs his hand from my bottom up my back to my neck and grabs my nape and pulls my head back by my hair. “Because, I don’t fuck in pyjamas,” he breathes into my neck as he bites it hard. I close my eyes as goose bumps spread over my flesh. I do so love dominant Mr Stanton. Thank god he came to visit me tonight. I was beginning to worry.
I wake alone… again. However, I feel a lot more optimistic than I have since last Sunday. At least I now know that I didn’t imagine it; there was something there. His brief shut–down of his defences last night allowed me to see a glimpse of the man I miss. He’s struggling with this as well, I think. I stroll out to flick on my coffee machine and find a note on the kitchen bench.
Slept in, early meeting
Josh xx
I pick up the note and smile. Things are looking up and he gave me two kisses. Maybe there is hope after all, hope for what though I’m not sure. I spend all day daydreaming and reminiscing about the night before, hardly wiping the smile from my stupid face. At work in my break I do the unthinkable, something I haven’t allowed myself to ever do. I google cousin relationships. I am astounded to find page after page on the subject. Is this for real? For half an hour I sit transfixed to a website called Cousin Love with tears running down my face. Story after story of forbidden true love. People who have done nothing wrong but fall in love with the wrong person—actually wrong choice of words, a person their family thinks is wrong. A lot of the stories mirror ours in that they hooked up and fell in love in their teens and tried to suppress it, only to have the feelings reappear in their twenties. Like me, most of the people haven’t come out to their families for fear of persecution. I read the list of famous people who married their cousins:
Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip
Albert Einstein
Greta Scacchi
Kevin Bacon
Rudi Giuliani
Jesse James
Franklin D Roosevelt
Thomas Jefferson
Charles Darwin
Jerry Lee Lewis
Johann Sebastian Bach.
Hmm, some of the most brilliant minds of all time were attracted to their cousins. I’m not a freak. The Queen of England is married to her cousin. Who knew? I leave the website with a heavy heart but feeling somewhat comforted to know I am not alone and that others feel the same. I just wish I knew how Josh felt, I mean really felt. I know he adores me, but is it enough? Adore is not love. As much as I wish it were.
Chapter 13
“Just pull over up here,” Bridget says as she points to the curb. It’s 10.30 pm and Abbie and I are dropping her at Jeremy’s after our Italian dinner date. I’m exhausted. I yawn. The car is stopped and she has the car door open talking to Abbie about making fresh pasta or something equally boring. I rub my eyes.
“Can you two hurry the hell up?” I frown as I lean my head onto the steering wheel. I’m frigging delirious. They finally finish up and we head down the street. Rhianna’s ‘Diamonds’ blares from my handbag.
“Shit, get that Abbs,” I snap.
After rummaging through my bag, she answers. “Hi… No, this is Abbie… um yeah, hang on a sec… Who’s speaking please?” She puts her hand over the phone.
“It’s Adrian.”
“Who?” I frown. She hunches her shoulders.
“Adrian.”
“Oh shit. Josh’s Adrian.” I quickly pull over the car. I snatch the phone.
“Hi, this is Natasha.” Damn, I sound like a schoolteacher.
“Hi, Natasha, sorry to bother you. It’s Adrian, are you busy?” I frown—that’s a strange question. “It’s just… I was wondering if you could help me out?”
“Sure, Adrian. Is everything ok?”
“Not really—it’s Josh.”
My heart jumps in my chest.
“What’s wrong?” I snap.
“No it’s ok. We have just had a really long lunch and we are in a bar in the Rocks.” I smile as I imagine Josh drunk in a sleazy bar. “Anyway, that guy that Josh had that fight with the other night…um the friend of yours.”
“Todd,” I snap.
“Yes, he turned up about forty minutes ago.”
“Right,” I wince.
“They are just glaring at each other at this stage.”
“Who is Josh with?”
“His two exec friends from IBM.” My mind is going a million miles per minute. Surely this can’t be good. “Um, anyway Josh just ordered all of the bodyguards out of the pub and asked me to go home.”
My eyes bulge. “Is that abnormal?”
“Well he’s never done anything like this before.” Holy fuck, they’re going to kill each other.
“I know this sounds lame but can you come and get him? If he gets into another fight it will affect his visa. This idiot already put him up on an assault charge.”
“Ok. I’m on my way. Where are you?”
“Thanks. We are at the Observer in the Rocks.” Oh shit. I hang up and start driving like a maniac. �
��What’s going on?” Abbie frowns.
“Todd, the fuckwit, has turned up at the place where Josh is drinking.”
“Oh shit, that can’t be good.”
“I know, anyway he has ordered his bodyguards out of the Observer Hotel. They are going to get into a fight.”
“Oh fuck,” Abbie winces.
“I know,” I snap. “Ok, come up with a plan.”
“Plan,” she frowns. “I’m hopeless at plans.”
“Just fucking think of one.” As I speed up a taxi pulls out in front of me and I swerve to miss it.
“I want to get there alive you know.”
My tongue is hanging out as I concentrate. I hold up my hand. “Ok, I’ve got it. You’re going to take one for the team.”
“Huh,” she frowns.
“You need to get Todd out of there so, so… take one for the team.” She bursts out laughing.
“You want me to sleep with Todd to save him.”
I smile at her as I drive. “Please don’t grow morals now. I need you.”
“Jeez, chill out will you? I’ve already slept with Todd and I don’t really want to do it again.”
I slam my foot on the brake and we both jump forward.
“Eeww, you tried to set me up with your sloppy seconds?” I’m beyond mortified.
“Well, how else would I know he wasn’t a serial killer?”
“I have no words for you now, actually yes I do. You’re repulsive.”
She smiles her sneaky slut smile at me and I shiver in repulsion. Thank god Josh saved me I shudder to think what could have happened. I would have been scarred for life. We get to the bar and park the car. With linked arms we gingerly approach the bar. Adrian sees us.
“Oh thank god you’re here,” he smiles. It is then I see the three burly bodyguards out the front. “Who are they?” I point to the three men with my chin.
“This is Thomas, Josh’s bodyguard.”
I frown. “Where’s Ben?”
“He went home to America for a funeral.” I smile and shake his hand. “And the other two are Josh’s friends’ bodyguards.”
“What do Josh’s friends do?”
“They are executives at IBM.” Abbie rolls her eyes at me as if to signify more ridiculous wealth. I smile and nod, totally understanding her meaning. I look through the window and see Josh walk over to Todd, holy fuck. It is actually laughable to think that a man with as much power as Joshua Stanton, who is probably wearing a fifteen–thousand dollar suit, is in a bar, ready to pub – brawl like a pig farmer. With apprehension I walk into the bar and straight over to the two men. I walk up behind Josh and hear him snap out the words.
“Why in the fuck did you say it then?”
“To piss you off, and it worked didn’t it?”
“Don’t push your fucking luck or you will be coughing up a kidney.” My heart warms at the sound of my knight in shining armour defending my honour.
I put my hand on his back. “Hi baby.” He turns and frowns, shocked at seeing me.
“Tash, what are you doing here?” he slurs. Oh my, he is drunk. I smile.
“I came to take you home, baby,” I whisper in his ear. He smiles and leans into me. Simultaneously Abbie grabs Todd’s hand and drags him to the dance floor. I give her a wink as she passes me. Todd looks like he is the cat that got the cream and is quite happy to be side–tracked by my beautiful friend. Surely it’s not going to be that easy, is it? Josh smiles and pulls me into an embrace and starts to immediately suck on my neck. I step back.
“Down boy,” I whisper. It is then I notice the two men in very expensive suits across the room. Josh drags me over to his friends.
“This is Natasha,” he pronounces as he kisses the back of my hand. His eyes linger on my face with a look I have not seen before. Oh, I like drunk Josh—he’s quite charming.
“Showstopper, it’s nice to meet you,” one of the men says as he puts his hand out to shake mine. I frown and Josh and the other man burst into laughter.
“Showstopper? I’m sorry you have me at a loss,” I frown.
“We,” he gestures to him and his friend, “have renamed you Showstopper.” I frown as Josh once again kisses the back of my hand without one bit of embarrassment. Hmm, I definitely do like this cuddly version of my man.
“You are a showstopper because we weren’t allowed to go to any strip shows tonight because,” he puts his two fingers up to accentuate the quote, “Natasha wouldn’t like it.” He pokes me in the chest as he smiles at me. Really. This is news. My face turns red as I smile at Josh and he pulls me into an embrace and kisses my forehead. I smile, a little embarrassed and unsure what to say. He’s dead on target; I would have gone postal if he went to a strip club tonight. The two men giggle and Josh leans in and grabs my face.
“I fucking adore you.” He then grabs me and starts to full–on tongue kiss me in front of his two friends. Ok, not so sure about the cuddly PDA now, way too far. I pull back and do wide eyes at him to signify for him to stop it. He giggles and starts to kiss my hand again. Jeez, he’s so touchy and over–the–top affectionate. The two men laugh and one slaps a fifty–dollar bill into the other’s hand.
“I told you. I give it six months and he’ll be fucking married.” Thankfully Josh didn’t hear that. He’s too busy trying to sex me up in public with my fingers in his mouth. Oh boy, I need to get him home or he will try to go for it on the pool table. I pull him over to the door and out into the cool air and he trips down the stairs.
“How much have you drunk, baby?” I giggle and he stumbles.
“Too fucking much.”
“We’re going home,” he announces to the bodyguards and they in turn smile at me as if to say job well done.
“Can you give my keys to my friend please?” Big burly guy smiles and nods and disappears into the pub. Abbie takes the keys and smiles and gives me the thumbs up. She probably will get with Todd tonight. Yuk, so not going there. Josh and I stumble towards his limo with his arm draped around my shoulder.
“ I’m going to take you home and fuck you three ways,” he slurs into my ear as he stumbles sideways. We both sidestep down the footpath.
“Josh, sshh, keep your voice down,” I whisper as I look around to see if anyone can hear him. Jeez three ways, what the hell? My eyes widen. Oohh, shit, I know what he means… surely not. Not when he’s in this state. Maybe I should have gotten drunk tonight too. We get to the limo and I open the door and signify for him to get in before me. Instead he pushes me up against the car with the door open behind me. He slowly swipes his tongue through my open lips as his hands hold onto either side of my face. I feel faint as my heart–rate picks up. How in the hell can this man bring me to my knees even in this inebriated state? He slowly and gently commands my arousal as he kisses me deeply, his tongue demanding me to give myself over to him. He tastes like Cointreau and his now hard, throbbing length is digging into my hip, my body softening against his hardness. He pulls back and stares into my eyes.
“Do you love me?” My heart jumps and my world stops spinning on its axis. Never in a million years did I imagine he was going to ask that question.
“Yes,” I answer without hesitation, relieved that he asked and I didn’t have to spit it out on my own. He smiles the most beautiful smile I have ever seen and I fall just little bit harder. How did I get here, so in love with a man that I can’t even see straight?
“Get in the car baby, let’s go home,” I whisper. I don’t need to go anywhere in all honesty, as long as I’m with him I am already home. Even blind drunk he has me totally under his spell. In fact I am the one feeling intoxicated, drunk on his pheromones. He nods and kisses me again.
“Hmm,” he whispers as his eyes stay closed.
“Josh…Car,” I smile.
“Hmm,” he repeats, his eyes still closed. I slowly unwrap his arms from around me and turn him away from me to face the car.
“Watch your head.” I put my hand on the top of his head so he
doesn’t hit it on the car door frame as he bends to get in. He falls into the limo and I roll my eyes as I hop in after him. To my absolute horror, Adrian is sitting in the limo. He has heard everything we have just said. He must have gotten in when we were still inside the pub. Kill me now.
“Oh hi,” I stammer.
“Hi,” he smiles. I stay silent as Josh slides across the seat and pats his lap. Oh no, I am not sitting on his lap so I can give Adrian a private sex show on the way home. Josh is totally out of control on the affection tonight. I can’t trust him to behave.
“Is it alright if I catch a ride?” Adrian asks me.
“Adrian it’s your ride. I’m the one catching a lift,” I smile.
“Thanks,” he nods. Josh pats his lap again and I shake my head.
“Josh, you can drop me off at my house. It’s ok. I will see you tomorrow,” I speak as if I am talking to a child.
“No, I am staying with you,” he snaps. “Come over here. I want to cuddle you,” he slurs. I roll my eyes at Adrian who gives me a sympathetic smile.
“Precious, I mean it. Now.” He pats the seat next to him.
“Alright,” I sigh. “Bossy Boots,” I slide over next to him and to my utter amazement he does just cuddle me. He pulls my back to his chest and kisses the top of my head as he sits to the side. The bodyguard comes and gets into the car and we pull away from the curb, and an awkward silence falls over us. Adrian doesn’t speak. He just watches Josh, who once again is kissing the back of my hand with his eyes closed. I fake a smile and rub Josh’s leg. He puts his head back on the head rest and closes his eyes. After about ten minutes I look up at Adrian and he frowns.