by T L Swan
“Um Joshua, this is Christopher. Christopher meet Joshua, my, my boyfriend.” Joshua narrows his eyes at my awkward introduction and Christopher glares at Josh. “Boyfriend—I see it hasn’t taken you long to move on.” He glares at Joshua. Oh for the love of god, please shut up.
Christopher smiles at Joshua. “Commiserations my man. I’m the ex–boyfriend and she’s a hard act to follow.” He smiles a devious smile. “Although I have no doubt you will find that out for yourself soon enough.” He storms off. All of the blood drains from my face and I look up at Joshua and grab his hand.
“Can we go?” I plead.
“No,” he snaps and storms back to the table, practically ripping my arm out of the socket. He sits at the table and immediately drains his champagne glass.
Tatianna titties puts her hand on Joshua’s shoulder. “Where did you go?”
I glare at her deadpan. “He came to find me, seeing as I’m his girlfriend,” I snap.
She smiles. “Of course,” she replies. Seriously, this night is turning very ugly indeed.
“How long were you with him?” I have butterflies in my stomach and I don’t want to have this conversation.
“Josh, it doesn’t matter. It’s over. I didn’t know he was going to be here.”
He glares at me. “How long?”
I swallow. “Two and a half years.” He runs his tongue over the front of his top teeth as he glares at me.
“Is he the guy who asked you to marry him?”
“Yes.”
“And you broke up with him?”
“Yes,” I answer. The entrée is served and I am now desperately wishing these stupid women would make some kind of interesting conversation to keep Joshua’s mind occupied and off Christopher. I wonder if paying someone to take their top off in this situation would be acceptable. Joshua pushes his entrée to my side.
I frown. “Don’t you want it?”
He shakes his head. “I just lost my appetite.” Hmm, that’s funny because I just found mine, bloody stress eating is back with a vengeance.
“What does he do?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Answer the question.” His eyes bore into me.
“He’s an orthopaedic surgeon.”
He fakes a smile. “Of course he is.”
“Would you rather he be a prostitute that slept with me for money?” I snap.
He scowls at me. “Yes I would. At least then I would know that you were never in love with him.”
I smile a sad smile at him and grab his hand under the table. “Josh, I love you. Please let’s not fight about this. You already knew about him. It’s in the past,” I whisper. He nods and cast his eyes down onto the table. My heart breaks a little. It would hurt me to know if he had been in love with someone else. It’s bad enough knowing he had sex with everyone in America. I can’t imagine what it would feel like if he actually cared for any of them. The main meal is served and once again Joshua just picks at his food. I wish I didn’t eat when I was stressed. If no one was watching I could happily devour both his and my meals at this moment. The speeches have finished and Tittiana is beginning to really piss me off. I’m finding myself imagining pouring my drink happily over her head. Her open flirting with Josh is grating on my nerves. I pull my chair out and Josh grabs my leg.
“Where are you going?” Gently he kisses the back of my hand. He’s loving watching me get jealous.
“I’m going to the bathroom.”
“Can I come?” he smiles.
I narrow my eyes. “No,” I whisper.
He leans forward and whispers into my ear. “Let me rephrase that, I need to come.” He raises an eyebrow.
“Josh, I’m out of action for a week,” I whisper. He frowns, not understanding my meaning. I raise my eyebrows, waiting for him to catch on. He doesn’t. I shake my head and smile as I stand from the table and walk past the dance floor and head toward the bathroom. Ten minutes later as I am walking back to the table I am accosted by Christopher.
“Natasha, do you ever think of me?” God, this night is going from bad to worse.
“Christopher, we are over and I have a new boyfriend. This is inappropriate.” I go to walk off and another of Christopher’s friends comes over and puts his arm around me.
“The beautiful Natasha—we have missed you.” I smile as I try to hurry the conversation along but I can’t be rude. It’s another ten minutes before I return to our table to find Josh missing. I take a seat and eat his untouched chocolate cake. After what seems like an eternity Josh is still not back, I start to feel a little unsettled and start to look around for him. To my horror he is slow–dancing with Tatiana. What the hell. Is this a joke? He looks totally smitten and she is grinding herself up against him, not that he looks like he minds. He wants a reaction from me and I am definitely not giving him one. I probably deserve him to be pissy, but this is going too far. What will I do without causing a scene? I must admit seeing Christopher tonight has rattled me. It’s made me realise how many people my relationship with Joshua has caused hurt to—myself being the main victim. I have to get out of here before the dam bursts. I’m going to leave. I pack my bag up and am just about to stand when Christopher comes over to the table. My heart drops again—he looks determined.
“I want another chance.”
I close my eyes. “That’s impossible, Chris. I am in love with someone else.”
He glares at me. “Who? That douche bag who’s dancing with the stripper.” My eyes drop in embarrassment. I’ve got no answer to that. He’s right; Josh is acting like a douche bag.
“That’s him,” Joshua snaps. Oh shit, where did he come from? “Not that it’s any of your business who I dance with.”
Christopher rolls his eyes. “Go back to your whore, pretty boy.” Joshua runs his tongue over the front of his top teeth and glares at Christopher. Christopher returns his angry gaze. I start to panic.
“Chris, just go please, I don’t want any trouble.”
He grabs my hand. “Please, Tash, I need another chance. I can’t get over you. I’m totally fucked over.” Joshua stands back and waits for my reaction and I can feel the fury emanating from him. This is the most uncomfortable conversation I have ever had, breaking my ex–boyfriend’s heart in front of my new boyfriend.
“Christopher, please, you know why we broke up. Our feelings aren’t mutual. You deserve better, Chris. I’m sorry, I’m not that girl.”
He pulls a disgusted face at me. “You make me sick, Natasha.”
Josh steps forward. “Careful,” he growls.
Christopher turns to him. “Has she told you that she loves you yet?” Josh continues glaring at him but doesn’t answer.
“I take it that’s a yes.” Christopher laughs. “You poor bastard. You’re next. I met up with the ex – ex – boyfriend the other day and she did the same thing to him. Expresses undying love and then poof…up and left without as much as a hint of guilt. Don’t say I didn’t warn you mate. She’s the fucking ice queen.” Joshua glares at him and I grab his hand.
“Take me home, Josh.” He nods.
“When your fucking heart is broken into a million pieces remember this warning,” Christopher snaps. I’m appalled. I have never been so embarrassed. Is that true—am I an ice queen? Hot tears start to run down my face as we walk down the outside steps towards the car. Josh opens the door and I get in and break into full–blown sobs. I have hurt two beautiful men because I was too selfish to let them go, knowing all along in my heart that I could only ever love Joshua. Josh gets in and starts the car in silence, not looking at me. We drive in silence for fifteen minutes. I continue to cry and put my hand on Josh’s leg for comfort and he picks it up and flicks it off his leg. I frown at him.
“Am I fucking next Natasha?” he screams.
“Huh, what are you talking about?” I sob.
“It seems to me there is a pattern here. You’ve already broken my heart once. Is that it? Or are you planning on do
ing it again? You make men fall madly in love with you and then…” He shakes his head unable to articulate his words.
“What’s with dancing with that girl tonight, Josh? Are you trying to send me insane?” I snap.
“Who are you kidding? You didn’t even care I was dancing with her—you were too focused on your ex.” I roll my eyes and my tears start again.
“Don’t start with the fucking waterworks. If anyone should be crying it’s me. I already know what’s coming for me as soon as you get bored. You will leave me just like that and move onto your next victim,” he yells.
“I would never leave you. You know that!” I scream.
“You already left me and I’m still not fucking over it,” he screams back. I wipe my eyes angrily with the back of my hands.
“Don’t you dare throw that in my face. I broke up with you for you. I had to save you from yourself you were going to give everything up to be with me and I loved you too much to let you do it.” He pulls up out the front of my building.
“So what’s the excuse with the other poor bastards? I suppose you had to save them from themselves?”
I glare at him. “I broke up with them because I was still in love with you. You asshole. God knows why.” I get out of the car and slam the door. He is hot on my heels. I look over and see the two bodyguards wisely staying in their car. God what must they think? It’s like frigging Jerry Springer around here. We enter the lift and I hit the button, he stays silent, his arms crossed in front of him, glaring at me. We get to my floor and he gets his keys out and opens the door. I storm in and head straight for my therapy of choice, a boiling hot shower, and he follows me.
“Get out!” I scream.
“No!” he screams back. He sits on the floor outside the shower and I turn my back to him.
“Why are you so mad at me? I’m the one who’s mad,” he snaps.
I frown. “I’m mad because you think you know everything about me and you know nothing. I’m mad because you dare even compare our relationship to any others I have been in. I’m mad because I have given you the best years of my life and you throw it in my face continually.” I can’t help it I break into full–blown sobs.
“How in the hell have you given me the best years of your life? We only just got back together.” Oh my god. I grab a bottle of shampoo and hurl it at him. “I said, get out!”
“No. Why is our relationship so different to others? You’re talking shit.” He blows out a breath as he links his hands on top of his head.
“You really want to know? Do you?” I scream. “While you were whoring yourself around the United States of America, I was here waiting like the absolute idiot that I am. I have never slept with anyone else, Josh. You’re the only man I’ve ever let make love to me.” He steps back, stunned. “So when you dare compare what we have to the platonic relationships I had with other people, I find it insulting.”
His eyes widen. “I don’t understand.”
“No, you wouldn’t, because you’ve slept with anyone with a pulse.” I start crying again, frigging hormones.
“Why haven’t you slept with anyone else?” He really is stupid.
“Because I belong to you Josh. My body belongs to you and I could never betray you. When I said that I loved you, I meant it. Unfortunately my love has had to be unconditional, because you never loved me with the same depth that I loved you. I told you once—once!—that I slept with someone else and you believed it—and you never came back for me. That’s not love Josh. Trust me I know love—you have no fucking idea. Every goddamn morning my google alert would tell me about the tenth girl you slept with that week. And I, being the stupid fuck that I am, would cry myself to sleep every night missing you and still deny myself the intimacy that you got from everyone else. Because I couldn’t betray you!” Hearing myself state the pathetic truth hurts and I slump to the floor and burst into full–blown sobs. It’s true. I have given him the best years of my life and he doesn’t love me the way I have always loved him. He showed me that tonight on the dance floor with that girl.
My god! I’m shocked. Surely this can’t be true. She sits on the bottom of the shower sobbing. I have never felt like such a total prick in my life. It’s true, I have fucked my way around the United States…and she’s never…I put my hand over my mouth. I feel sick to my stomach. Tears fill my eyes but I quickly blink them away. It’s not…possible…is it? I don’t deserve her. Brock is completely right, she is out of my league. My eyes flick back to her as she sits hysterical on the bottom of the shower. What do I do? How in the hell can I ever make this up to her? And here I am accusing her of planning to break my heart when I’ve been breaking her heart all along. I walk into the shower fully clothed, drop to the floor and pull her onto my lap.
“Baby, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know. Why didn’t you tell me?” I gently kiss her forehead, her chest is racking with sobs. We have put each other through hell. My denial of intimacy with another woman. Her denial sexually with another man. My heart breaks as I watch her sob in despair. I don’t know what to say—I feel helpless. The lump in my throat is back. Why in the hell are we related? I close my eyes in pain. We deserve an easier path. I have never felt such deep regret. I have always loved her, but deep down I couldn’t forgive her for betraying me and now I find out that she never…God, what a mess.
“Precious why didn’t you tell me? When we got back together, you didn’t tell me.” She continues crying and doesn’t answer me. We sit in silence for fifteen minutes as she continues crying. I’m so fucking angry with myself I could punch a hole in the wall. The feeling of raw guilt brings bile to my stomach.
“At first I didn’t want you to be easy on me…sexually,” she whispers.
My eyes widen. “Oh god, did I hurt you?” My stomach drops as I remember how hard I was on her the first few times and I close my eyes. FUCK. What’s wrong with me? I should have been able to tell.
“And then I was embarrassed to tell you,” she whispers.
I frown. “How could you be embarrassed to tell me that? It’s the most fucking perfect thing I have ever heard?” She slowly calms down as I continually kiss her forehead. “Come on, baby. Let’s get you up and dressed.” I stand and take my wet clothes off, then I wrap her in a towel. She’s distraught. I’m such a fuck up.
She looks up at me. “I love you Josh.” A lump in my throat forms and I am unable to speak. It happened the other night in the hotel too. The sound of Natasha’s voice. Hearing her speak those words. It makes me weak.
“I… I love you Tash. I never stopped. Please forgive me. I will never doubt you again.” She reaches up and runs her hand down my stubble.
“Don’t leave me,” she whispers with tears in her eyes. Unable to speak, I shake my head and bend to take her lips tenderly in mine.
Seven years…seven long years…I’ve waited for this and now I realise the sick truth is that I’m undeserving of her love. My heart breaks. It’s been five days since we got back together. Five days she has taken to break down my defences and I have never been more in love in my life. I’m in serious trouble.
Chapter 22
I wake to find Josh not in bed. I sit up startled. Is he still here? I hear the toaster pop and I smile. He’s making me toast, not protein. That makes for a nice change. He walks in and smiles at me before pulling me into a gentle embrace as he kisses me.
“Hello, my beautiful. Are you feeling better this morning?” I smile and nod. “I’ve made you breakfast,” he announces. “Come to the table.” He smiles warmly as he pulls me up by the hands. I look down at myself and smile. I notice he hasn’t said anything about my flannelette PJs. I must be allowed to wear them when I have my period. I walk out to the table and frown. It looks like the buffet breakfast that hotel had where we stayed the other night. Croissants, bacon and eggs, muffins and toast and three types of juice. Ok, he’s lost it. I screw my face up.
“So yesterday I got tough shit because I wanted an egg and today I get this,
” I gesture to the table. He smiles a little embarrassed.
“Yesterday I was a prick.” I smile as I walk over and give him a gentle kiss and I stroke his face.
“I happen to like you yesterday,” I smirk. He smiles a proud of himself smile. “Sorry about last night.”
He frowns at me. “What for?”
“The whole drama queen thing.”
He puts his toast down. “You are not a drama queen. I was thinking about it while I made you breakfast. If I was you, I think I would have killed me by now.”
“Lucky you’re not me then. What are we doing today?” I smile.
“Whatever you want.”
Five o’clock after a day of kissing and cuddling and sleeping I wake up toasty in our bed. Josh is lying facing me and I smile as we lie and stare into each other’s eyes. The emotion between us is palpable. As if in silence we have both realised how deeply in love we are and how much we need each other. He holds my hand and gently picks it up and kisses the back of it.
“I know you saved your body for me, but you must know I saved my heart for you. I love you more than anything.” He kisses my hand again and I smile a shy smile. We hold hands as we lie facing each other not speaking—no words are needed. I have never felt so deeply connected to another human being. Nothing has ever felt so right. He leans and tenderly swipes his tongue through my open lips.
“Thank you,” he whispers.
I frown. “For what?”
He smiles. “For waiting for me.” My heart swells and my eyes tear up.
“You’re worth the wait, Josh. I would do it again.” He runs his hands through my hair and kisses my forehead.
“How long do we have to wait? I need to make love to you desperately,” he whispers as he rests his forehead against mine. How is it a twenty–seven–year–old man does not know about women’s cycles?