by T L Swan
Joshua rolls his eyes as he takes a sip of his drink. “Hmm, much to my detriment.”
We sit in silence for a few minutes and my phone rings.
“Adrian Murphy,” I answer
A deep male voice with an Australian accent. “Umm, hello Adrian.”
“Yes.” I frown, who in the hell is this?
“I’m not sure if you remember me. It’s Nicholas Anastas. We met in a restaurant a couple of months ago.”
My eyes widen and I sit up suddenly.
“Oh yes. I remember.” I start waving my hand around in the air at Joshua frantically.
He frowns at me and takes a sip of his shake.
“Nicholas Anastas, what a pleasant surprise.”
Joshua’s mouth drops open and he hits Cameron in the stomach. Cameron has his eyes closed and was not expecting the hit so he doubles over as he groans.
“Natasha Marx gave me your number.”
I look at Joshua. “Oh Natasha did … right.”
Joshua puts his head in his hands at the mention of her name.
Fuck, what will I say.” I stay silent as nerves steal my ability to speak.
“I hope you don’t mind me ringing.”
I swallow nervously. “No, it’s nice to hear from you.”
“I was wondering if you wanted to catch up for a drink tonight,” he asks.
Cameron throws a piece of ice at me from the ice bucket sitting next to him. It hits me hard in the face. I hold my hand up in a fist to him as he and Joshua break into laughter.
“Are you in LA?” I ask, wide-eyed, as I rub my face.
“Yes, I’m here for business. How about that drink?”
Holy shit. “Um, look I’m not sure I can make it tonight,” I answer. Joshua hits me hard in the stomach.
“You’re fucking going,” he mouths at me.
I shake my head as I cover the phone with my hand. I stand to get away from my two idiot friends.
“Ok. Fine. Never mind, at least I tried,” he snaps.
Oh shit, he’s pissed. What will I say?
I scrunch my eyes up as the next words escape my mouth. “I’m staying with friends. Why don’t you come here for dinner? Cameron can cook.” I bite my lip to stifle my smile. This time Cameron holds out his hand in a fist to me. “Joshua makes a mean cocktail,” I add. Joshua rolls his eyes at me as he takes another sip of his shake.
“Who are the friends?” he asks.
“Joshua, the man you met at the restaurant with me and my other friend Cameron.” I can hear him thinking through the phone. “They are nice guys. Fun. Cam is an amazing cook.” Cameron walks past to the bar and gives me a shove, hoping I will fall into the pool. Joshua smirks.
“Ok. What time?” he asks.
Oh fuck. Now I’ve done it. I start to shake my arm around in the air as I freak out.
“About seven. I will text you the address,” I answer nervously.
His deep velvety voice rasps through the phone. “I look forward to it Adrian.” He hangs up and I put my head in my hands.
“Oh my fucking god. He’s coming here.” I start to panic.
“Who?” Cameron frowns.
“That dude we met in Australia. Psychologist, author,” Joshua replies.
“Oh yeah, that one. You went on about him for a week, looks like you might be getting some head tonight after all.” Cameron smiles, making Joshua laugh.
“This is not funny. Does everything come back to head with you?” I stammer, exasperated.
Cameron smiles and shrugs his shoulders. “Basically,” he replies.
“How did I rope myself into this? I don’t want him to come over here. What was I thinking?”
Joshua’s eyes light up. “You were thinking that Cameron and I needed some comedy entertainment tonight.” He smiles broadly as he winks.
“Stop it,” I snap. “You two had better be on your best behaviour. Or I fucking mean it, you are both dead.”
Cameron laughs. “We will be on our best behaviour. Naked, but well behaved.”
I roll my eyes. “Great, something to look forward to,” I say deadpan. “I don’t even remember what he looks like.”
“I do. He’s hot.” Joshua smirks. “Give me your phone.” He takes my phone off me and starts to google him.
“Why did you say I would cook, asshole? Why don’t you fucking cook?” Cameron throws me a dirty look.
“Because that’s just too try hardish. What, so he sits at the bench while I cook in the kitchen? I’m not fucking Nigella Lawson.”
“Why didn’t you say I would cook?” Joshua smirks as he scrolls through my phone.
“Probably because you can’t cook, dumbass.”
Joshua laughs as he hands me the phone. “Yep. Like I said.”
My eyes scroll down the length of the screen as I feel my nerves rise. He is more than hot, he’s damn delicious. “What the hell will I wear?” I splutter.
“Naked on first dates always works for me.” Cameron lays his head back to the sun to catch the rays on his face as he swigs his beer.
I roll my eyes at Josh. “Can you be fucking serious for one minute Cameron? Why is everything a joke to you?”
“Probably because you are always so serious and Joshua is so fucking boring at the moment with his little broken heart routine. Someone around here has to have some fun.”
“Fair call,” Joshua replies.
“What’s the look you are going for?” Cameron sighs.
“Not trying.”
Joshua smiles. “That’s easy then. You should wear flannelette pyjamas.” He takes a drink from his shake.
My eyes widen in horror. “You’ve lost the plot. You like Natasha in flannelette pyjamas.”
He smiles as he folds his arms behind his head. “Yep, that‘s what’s so hot about Tash. She doesn’t try to be sexy at all. She looks sexiest to me when she is wearing flannelette pyjamas, her pink fluffy slippers and her hair in pigtails with her glasses on.”
Cameron pulls a disgusted face and I nod in agreement with him.
“Sounds like a bad Taylor Swift film clip.” I do a fake shiver.
“I never thought I would like that either,” he replies wistfully. “There is a certain level of comfort when you realise it’s not the packaging you want in someone.”
Cameron rolls his eyes. “Oh god, your soppy shit is driving me fucking nuts. Man the fuck up,” he snaps bringing a smile to my face.
“What are you cooking Cameron?” I ask.
“I don’t know, whatever. Who cares?” he says matter-of-factly.
Joshua laughs again as he puts his head back onto the chair. “Sounds delicious.”
I shake my head. This is going to be a long night.
Natasha
It’s Wednesday, another word for hump day and, in my case, shit day, annoying day and fucking depressing day. I am going to my first court case at the jail. Coby Allender is having his first appeal hearing today. I have been witnessing his visits for the last couple of months from the private box. Today, though, I will actually be in the same room as him for the first time. The man completely freaks me out. I am just so intimidated by his intelligence and the fact that his behavior is motivated by evil only adds to the horror of dealing with a suspected serial killer. I think those nightmares I have been having are making me crazy—my imagination is running away with me. We are at the jail’s private courthouse—this is a closed hearing. Henry my boss has gone to check on some details and I am waiting alone in the corridor to go in when Mr Cheeky walks up behind me.
“Hey Doc.” He pokes me in the ribs from behind.
I turn and smile. Oh shit, it’s the guy who told me to think of him when I had sex with Joshua—my face falls.
“Don’t look so pleased to see me.” He smirks. His messy blond hair hangs over his forehead and his dark brown eyes twinkle with mischief. He’s tall and buff with a full sleeve of tatts. He has the whole naughty boy thing going on. Hmm.
I shake my
head as I smile. “You’re a dick, you know that.”
He raises his eyebrows at me. “I’ve been called worse.” He smiles. “How’s your tool of a boyfriend?”
“Ex,” I snap. “You’re lucky he didn’t kill you that night by the way.”
He scrunches up his face. “Hmm. Good.” He smiles.
I can’t help but smile at this conceited fool. “Why is that good?”
“Because you are still totally into me, I can tell. And he’s an ex, so.” He shrugs his shoulders.
I roll my eyes. “You’ve been fighting too much. I think you’re punch drunk.”
He smiles broadly. “I thought you were coming back for more witness dates. What happened? Are you chicken shit?”
I frown. “No, am not.” I smile. “I’ve been back and you haven’t been here. Who still says that anyway… chicken shit? I haven’t heard that since first grade.” I shake my head as I readjust my jacket.
He winks. “I do. Chicken shit.”
I narrow my eyes at him. “Stop calling me that,” I whisper. This guy’s confidence is starting to piss me off. “I am far from chicken shit,” I snap.
“Prove it.” He smiles. “Give me your number.”
I roll my eyes. “God, give me a break. Is that the best pick-up line you’ve got?”
He laughs. “Pretty much, are you going to fall for it?”
I frown. “No.”
He smiles again. “We’ll see … Persistence pays.”
I smile as I bite my lip. He’s definitely cute, I will give him that. Maybe I should just break out and have wild rebound sex right here, right now. “What’s your name again?” I ask.
He smiles. “Jesten Miller.”
“Do you want to know my name?” I ask.
He shrugs. “Not really, I’ll just call you Hot Doc.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m not a doctor.”
He shrugs again and then smiles as Henry and Richard my work colleague come out of the doorway and we walk into the room together. There are four rows of eight chairs on each side with mahogany large benches at the front of the room. We all take our seats. There are only ten people in the room. Three psychologists, three solicitors and four prison wardens. I am achingly aware I am the only woman present. Jesten is at the right of the room in my peripheral vision and for some reason that is strangely comforting. The judge arrives and we all stand in silence as he enters the room and sits. Coby Allender is led into the room in handcuffs. He looks around the room and then his eyes connect with mine, they bore through me and then he smiles icily. I drop my eyes immediately. I’m too fragile for this shit. The court case carries on but I am too distracted by the fact that the suspected serial killer’s eyes have not left me since he entered the room and I can feel the evil emanating from his every pore. How long has it been since he has seen a woman? I can feel my heart rate picking up as fear starts to send me into a panic. Between nightmares, philandering boyfriends and heartbreak I am very fragile indeed. Why is he still looking at me? Don’t look at him, don’t look at him, I chastise myself. I know he’s trying to freak me out, and it’s fucking working. I’m starting to sweat here.
Henry leans over and whispers. “He’s just trying to scare you. Don’t look at him.”
I nod and put my head down. He’s right, just look down. Stop freaking out. The court case carries on and my mind starts to wander. What’s Joshua doing now? Who’s he with? I must be in a daydream but before I realise the court case finishes. My eyes flick to the psychopath in front of me. His eyes are still locked on me, he smiles, slowly licks his lips and blows me a kiss. I drop my head again. Forget criminology, this is fucked up shit I don’t need messing with my head. Who was I kidding? I can’t deal with criminals, I would end up a head case. He is led out of the room by the handcuffs and I blow out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. Let this day be over!
The drive home from work is long … and silent. Max doesn’t feel the need to talk and I don’t have one positive thing to say, so why bother. I hate negativity. I never imagined I would have so much of it coursing through my veins … where does it come from? And, more importantly, how do I get rid of it? My headache is back, and it’s starting to thump. In the two months since Dad’s death I have had six migraines, what a bitch those things are, I had no idea. On a few occasions Max and Bridget have called the doctor to my house and he has given me a needle to knock me out for two days. Stress-related is what he called it—I call it toxic information overload. The poison from my heart seeping into my brain cells, one by one. It’s the weekend so at least I can just relax and sleep. It’s funny, through the day when I should be doing things that are constructive all I want to do is sleep but at night when I should be sleeping all I can do is think … about him … with her. It’s poisoning me. I am riddled with guilt as my mind goes over the patients I have treated and how I have analysed them void of emotion. Bethany. Beautiful, smart Bethany, I saw her just today. She is also in love with an adulterer, she refused to give up and she stayed for love. But at what cost? She has no self-esteem, no sexual confidence and an inability to orgasm. She has children to him … so in effect she is trapped. So even though she stayed for love, she has been rewarded with hate … for herself. Today I sat and listened to her talk, and looked deep into the mirror. I felt like I was having an out- of-body experience. I could relate to everything she told me, every emotion, every fear. When she cried … I cried, the tears weren’t for her. They were for me. If I go back to my beloved Joshua, in five years I will be Bethany. Petrified that every time he walks out the front door he is going to meet up with her. Petrified that I am not pretty enough, funny enough … sexy enough.
In all honesty I don’t think any woman could hold my beautiful Joshua forever, he’s just not wired that way, even though I know he desperately wants to be. He tried … and failed. I gave everything to him and still in the end it wasn’t enough.
I don’t trust him, I have lost all faith in his words. I never trusted her. But I trusted him with my heart and he broke it. I know I will never love again like I did him … and that’s ok, I don’t want to.
We pull in and Max turns and looks at me. He frowns, “You ok?”
I nod as I look into my lap. “Yeah, I can feel another migraine coming. It will pass.” I smile at him. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right?” I whisper.
He gives me a sad smile and sits silently, watching me. I can tell he wants to say something but is holding his tongue. He’s leaving me, I know it. He just doesn’t know how to tell me. He and Mum have become good friends and I know they talk about me. I can hear them late at night when they think I am asleep. He’s worried about me … I’m worried about me. I need to snap out of this … shitty time I’m having.
We get out of the car and walk quietly up the stairs.
“Tash, take your phone out of your bag, honey,” he whispers as we get to my door.
I frown at him.
“Do it,” he whispers. I do as he asks.
“I will stand right here ok. You call me if you need me. I’ll be right at the door.”
I frown at him as I open the door and step back in shock. Joshua is standing front and centre in my lounge room. His haunted eyes meet mine. My eyes immediately fill with tears and I close the door silently behind me.
Dear god … he’s so beautiful. A wave of affection rolls over me. Why? Why has he come? I can’t take this, I’m not strong enough.
He is wearing his three-piece navy suit, his armour from the outside world. His dark hair and skin are in contrast to his white shirt. His hands are in his pockets. I stand still, rooted to the spot.
“Natasha,” he whispers.
Instantly my lip quivers and my tears fall onto my cheeks. He rushes me and grabs me into an embrace, where I fall against his chest.
We stand still and silent. His arms around me and my arms straight at my sides. I sob out loud. I want to stay in his arms … I can’t say goodbye. I’m not strong enough
, I can’t do this. He kisses my temple. “Tash … I’ve missed you.”
The lump in my throat forms and I can’t speak. I want to tell him I’ve missed him too, but I can’t. I need to be strong for the both of us. I need to set him free so he can be with Amelie … I know he loves her. He just doesn’t realise it yet and he won’t, until I release him. He kisses my face again, his eyes close in reverence. I need to do this, I need to get it over with.
I pull out of his embrace and fold my arms in front of me in defence. He bites his bottom lip as he thinks.
“Natasha, let me explain. I need to tell you what happened that night,” he whispers. I want to scream at him to get out but I need to hear this.
I nod nervously.
“Tash, I was … so sad. I didn’t think you were coming back to me. Cameron and Adrian had sat me down that day and told me I needed to snap out of it and they didn’t think you were coming back either.” He shakes his head in regret as his eyes fill with tears. “I went to Willowvale. I hadn’t been there since I came back to America. I wanted to see Jasper.”
I stand still as I picture what he is telling me, my face expressionless.
He swallows again. “I had dinner with Amelie and a few glasses of wine.”
He shakes his head too quickly. “I finished up and went to my room. I had a shower and I had come out of the bathroom with a towel around me.”
My eyes close in pain.
He frowns as he relives the memory. “Amelie was in my room, and she had a robe on.”
I hold my hand up in a stop signal. I can’t hear this.
“Tash … I don’t know what happened. One minute I was sitting on the bed, the next thing she was on top of me.”
I slam my hands over my ears. Stop it … stop it … stop it.
“Tash, I promise you. As soon as I realised what was happening I pushed her off me. I told her I was in love with you.”
I stand still with my hands over my ears and yet I can hear every sordid detail he is explaining to me in IMAX.
The caustic tears burn my face as they roll down my cheeks.
“Natasha, I swear to you. It was just once and it went for one minute. There was no emotion. She lied to hurt you … which in turn hurts me.”