by T L Swan
Tatiana has been fawning over me all day. Why does she have to be so damn attractive? It’s very … distracting. I narrow my eyes at the screen when I see in my peripheral vision her stretch out next to me. She’s wearing a skin-tight black secretary number that’s low cut with the biggest cleavage I have seen and I know she has a suspender belt on underneath it. Adrian pointed it out earlier when he was making fun of her.
“Would you mind if I stretched out on this desk and had a little nap?” she purrs.
I keep my eyes on the screen. “Not at all.” Void of emotion.
She’s been giving me double-meaning phrases all day. This is sexual innuendo at its best.
“So are you still with your girlfriend?” she asks.
“Wife actually,” I murmur as I keep typing, my eyes not leaving the screen.
“Hmm,” she replies. “You don’t seem like the marrying type.”
I raise my eyebrows, just fuck off and let me finish this job. “Why do you say that?”
She fakes a laugh. “Don’t you remember how you were dancing with me at the wedding? That was no married man dance.”
I roll my eyes. “I was trying to make my wife jealous actually.”
“Hmm. Does she get jealous very often?” she purrs again.
My eyes flick to her and she is practically lying across the desk and she has unbuttoned her two top buttons. Fuck.
I look back at the screen nervously. I need to get out of here.
“You know I never understand why someone would want to get married and tie themselves to one person when there is so much pleasure to have in other beds.”
I swallow. “Really,” I answer flatly. I’m not having this conversation with her.
“You know, I was wondering,” she runs her hand up my arm, “seeing as we are going to be working all crazy hours while we do this upgrade, if we should try to get to know each other more intimately … if you know what I mean?” She slowly licks her lips and leans over me.
“No one will ever know.”
Chapter 20
I sit back on the lounge at Mum’s and look at my watch for what must be the hundredth time today. 11.15 pm. Joshua didn’t call me back like he said he would. He’s probably just been busy. That’s the logic talking, but my stupid mind is back in overdrive, and I can’t help but wonder if he knew I was having lunch with Jes and was just texting me to distract me and now he is not ringing me to punish me. He told me he only wanted sex and I said I wouldn’t be his booty call and yet I have been nearly just that. What the fuck am I doing? Am I imagining the chemistry between us—is it still even there? Is it wishful thinking? Why do I do this to myself? The new improved non- drama-queenish version of myself is not supposed to think like this. I rub my eyes in frustration and fatigue. I’m tired from all my prick-teasing antics last night.
“Do you want another cuppa love?” Mum asks as she stands and stretches.
I nod and smile. “Yes and then I’m off to bed.” I look at my watch. 11.25 pm, hmm.
“Are you waiting for something?” she frowns. “You keep looking at your watch.”
I roll my eyes shamefully and blow out a breath. “Hmm, yeah, Josh said he was going to call me and he hasn’t so … I don’t know.” I shrug my shoulders. “Who knows what’s going on, Mum, it’s like frigging Dynasty around here.”
She smiles warmly. “He rang me this morning.”
“Huh? Who? Josh?” I frown.
She nods and looks wide eyed at me at me and walks into the kitchen.
“Why did he ring you and not me?” I ask as I put my hands on my hips in annoyance and follow her.
“He wanted to make sure you could stay here.” She starts to make the tea and pours the water into the cups.
I screw up my face. “Oh what next? He’s a control freak,” I snap.
“Why in the hell does he think it is ok to ring my mother and ask if she can babysit me? I’m not a child?”
She takes her tea and walks back into the lounge room. I reluctantly follow her.
“What did he say anyway?” I ask as I frown. This is bullshit, mindfuck Stanton at his best.
“He told me that he has stayed at your house for the last couple of nights with you.”
My eyes widen. “He did?” I whisper.
“And he told me that he couldn’t stay with you for the next few nights because he had to work so would it be ok if you stayed with me.”
I screw up my face again. “He’s lost the plot,” I snap.
“I am safe at home. Why does he think someone is going to get me? He’s becoming paranoid,” I huff.
She smiles again. “He’s not worried about someone getting you, love. He didn’t want you home alone in case you had a nightmare. He couldn’t stand the thought of you being home alone and scared.”
My mouth drops open as I am rendered speechless. “What?” I whisper.
I bite my lip to stifle the huge grin that is threatening to split my face open. “He said that?” I ask.
She nods and sips her tea.
I put my hand up to my mouth and think. “He still loves me, he wouldn’t even think of that if he didn’t love me.”
“That’s what I was thinking, love.” She raises her eyebrows.
“I didn’t know that,” I whisper through my smile.
“Why don’t you ring him now? I’m sure he has just been tied up at work and time has gotten away from him. Ask him to come over when he finishes if you want.”
I smile and stand. “Thanks Mum.” I give her a kiss on the cheek. “I will.”
Joshua
I sit back in my seat, affronted, and run my pointer over my lips as I think. “No one will ever know, you say.”
She smiles and leans over me further. “It’s a crime for a man as virile as you to only satisfy one woman. Nature didn’t intend it to be that way. That is why he gave men like you a roving eye and uncontrollable lust. One woman would never be able to satisfy a man like you, Joshua, we both know that.”
I run my tongue over my top teeth.
“You think I have a roving eye?” I ask.
She nods slowly as she smiles. “The way you danced with me at the wedding, the way you looked at me this morning in this dress. I can tell that you want me and my body.” She slowly runs her finger down her clavicle and over her breast.
I frown as I think. Is that how I come across, as having a roving eye?
“You’re an attractive woman, a man would have to be dead not to notice you,” I say flatly as I turn back to my computer screen.
“You normally do more than notice though, don’t you Joshua?”
I stop dead in my tracks, how does she know that? It turns my stomach to think she has only known me since I have been with Natasha and yet she has nailed me in one. Have I given Natasha a reason to be insecure? My mind flicks back to the wedding and how I handled my jealousy that night.
She leans over me and gently kisses the side of my face. “No one will know,” she whispers in my ear as she runs her hand down the side of my face.
I grab her hand midair. “I will know,” I sneer as my eyes lock on hers.
“It’s natural, Joshua, just go with it,” she purrs.
I frown at her. “I’m not the man you think I am, get out of this office or I am walking right now.”
She pulls back. “Joshua, don’t be like that. I am just being honest.”
I glare at her. “While we are being honest, I don’t play up on my wife. I am not that man anymore. Get out of my sight,” I shake my head in frustration.
She stands angrily. “We’ll see, you will be begging for sex any day now.”
Adrian comes to the door. “Is everything ok in here?” He looks around and frowns at the tension in the room.
I start to retype. “Adrian, can you please escort this trollop out of the office. I won’t be needing any further assistance from her.” My eyes flick to him.
He smiles broadly at me. “I’d love to.” He gives me
a wink.
I sit in the quiet of the office and drink my coffee alone as I wait for the hard drive systems to back up half an hour later. My mind keeps rerunning over the conversation with Tatiana. One woman would never be able to satisfy you, you have a roving eye. The way that you looked at me this morning, the way you danced with me at the wedding. Is she right? Am I such an ingrained player that I don’t even know when I am doing it anymore? My mind goes to Natasha—have I made her feel insecure? That was never my intention, she had me completely. Up until half an hour ago I blamed her totally for our break up and now … I’m completely confused. I think back to the conversation in the car at Willowvale that I had with Natasha about Amelie. I hardly remember what was said and yet Tash knows the conversation word for word. Did I really say that I wasn’t with Amelie because of her? I thought it was obvious to everyone that I didn’t want Amelie … but then even Amelie thought I wanted her, so of course Tash would think that too. I put my head in my hands as I try to think this through. The other night at dinner I watched Natasha cry and tell me that she loved me and yet I told her I only wanted sex from her. Of course she doubts me, I doubt myself. Why in the hell would I do that to her and then go home and cuddle her all night, in fact every night since. I put my head into my hands on the desk. I’m confused. I can’t be brought to my knees by her again. I break into a cold sweat just thinking of how dark those days were.
But then when I’m with her … she’s so perfect … we are perfect. She radiates this inner honesty but I don’t know if that is because I am so blinded by my feelings for her that I only see what I want to see. How could someone so gentle and loving break me three times and not care … but then … have I caused her to feel insecure and hurt?
Have I bought this hurt on myself?
Why in the hell did I let myself sleep with Amelie and then not tell Tash about it? And the money—was Amelie telling the truth about Natasha bringing up money in their argument?
I sit back in my chair and put the heels of my hands into my eye sockets.
“You ok in here?” Adrian stands at the door and smiles warmly.
I nod. “Can I ask you something Murph?”
“Sure.” He walks in and takes a seat next to me.
“Do you think I give off the vibe that I’m on the market?”
He smiles. “Yes, definitely.”
I frown. “If I was going out with you, would you be insecure?”
He smiles and raises his eyebrows. “Most definitely.”
I sit back in frustration and bite on my thumbnail. “Do you think that I honestly love Natasha?”
He smiles as he puts his hand on my shoulder. “Without a doubt. What’s going on?”
“Tatiana said that I give off a vibe that I’m a player and she knows that I could never be loyal to one woman. Do you believe that?”
He smiles warmly. “Josh, men play around till they meet the right person. Don’t beat yourself up because you have had fun for the last seven years. Why are you bringing this up now?”
“I just don’t understand why …” I shrug, unable to articulate what I want to say.
“Why Tash pushes you away?” he asks and I nod.
“Joshua, you are one of the most eligible bachelors in the world, good looking, built like a gorilla, rich as hell. And for someone like Natasha who is so quintessentially Australian and so down to earth, it would be hard to take on. I actually don’t know how I would handle it either. I think she does an amazing job at handling your life by refusing to give into it and it’s a learning curve for her as well I think. It’s the man you are from now on that counts. You always say you want to be a loyal husband.”
I look at my computer screen and nod.
He pats me on the shoulder. “Tonight you did just that.” He smiles broadly.
I give him a sad smile and huff. “And I’m not even fucking married.”
He laughs out loud and I shake my head in disbelief.
My phone rings and I look at the screen, presh. I smile
“Hi Tash,” I answer. Adrian smiles and pats me on the shoulder as he leaves the room.
“Hi baby,” she breathes down the phone.
“I didn’t get to call you yet,” I smile into the silence of the office.
“That’s ok. Are you busy? Shall I let you go?” she breathes down the phone.
“No, all good. Are you at your Mum’s?” I ask.
“Ahuh.” The phone goes silent. “Thank you for worrying about me,” she whispers.
My heart melts. “That’s ok.” She can be so damn beautiful when she wants to be.
“What time are you finishing?” she asks.
I look at my watch. “About three I think.”
“Do you want to come over to Mum’s when you finish work and stay here with me? Mum said it would be ok.”
I frown. “Tash, I … don’t think.” She cuts me off.
“It’s just, I really wanted you to be the first person I see tomorrow.”
I melt again. “You won’t be awake then,” I whisper as I smile.
“Text me when you are on your way and I will open the door for you. I just want to see you.”
I melt again. Adorable. “Ok, I will text you when I’m close.”
“Ok, I love you.” I can hear that she’s smiling, she hangs up.
I blow out a breath and sit back in my seat. I put my hands behind my head as I think.
Decision time.
What’s it going to be Stan … Yes or No?
Natasha
Beep, beep. My phone beeps a text. I roll over sleepily and pick up my phone from the side table.
Are you awake?
I smile sleepily and reply.
Yes
It bounces back again.
I’m ten minutes away.
I smile and text back.
K
I smile and lie down then start to doze. Another text comes through.
I’m at the door It’s locked.
Oops! I fell back asleep. I jump up and go to the front door and open it in a rush. And there he stands. Tall, dark and extremely handsome. I smile broadly and go to cuddle him.
He looks around at the guards. “Tash, not here. Inside.” He pushes me back in the house. I smile bashfully. I am wearing grey satin boxer shorts and a white singlet, and my hair is all over the place. He is in a dark suit and never has he looked more beautiful.
Gently he tucks a piece of my hair behind my ear and tenderly leans down and kisses me. He’s so much taller when I have no shoes on. He runs his fingers down my cheek and wipes them over my lips as he seems to study my face, his face is serious and pensive.
I smile. “You’re very intense tonight, Mr Stanton,” I whisper as I run my hands over the back of his hair.
He smiles down at me. “Am I?”
I nod and kiss him again, the kiss ends and we stand silently, resting our cheeks together intimately as we embrace. What’s going on here? This is new.
“Thanks for coming,” I smile into the quietness. “Are you hungry? I can make you something,” I whisper as I pull him into the kitchen by the hand.
He follows me in and stands resting his behind against the bench in the corner of the kitchen.
I start to fuss around in the pantry. “Do you want some toast? A cup of tea?” I ask.
He smiles and nods. “Yes please.” He looks around the house. “I haven’t been here for a long time,” he says quietly.
I smile and nod. I don’t want to bring up the last time he was here. It was horrific.
He stays silent and I know he has remembered that awful day also. I silently make his snack while he watches me and I hand him the plate.
“Thanks.” he smirks.
“You’re welcome,” I breathe.
“Show me your room,” he whispers.
I nod like a nervous fourteen-year-old about to show her boyfriend her room for the first time. “This way.” I take his hand and lead him down the hall to my bedroom.
Why does it feel more intense in this house than it does in mine? I’m nervous.
I get to the door and gesture with my arm into the doorway. “Here it is,” I stammer.
He can sense my nerves and smiles as he walks in and looks around. “Has it changed since you moved out?”
I shake my head nervously. “No, this is how I left it.” I close the door behind us.
He sits in the chair in the corner and smiles again as his eyes scan the room.
“Hmm, it’s nice. Your presence is very strong in here,” he whispers.
I smile meekly. I know why I am nervous. This is the first time Joshua has been here as my boyfriend … booty call, whatever the hell I am.
“My presence? That’s very deep,” I stammer.
He puts his toast and tea on the side table and sits on my bed and rubs the mattress in a circle. He pats it for me to sit next to him and I do.
“Is this the bed you slept on?” he asks.
I smile and nod.
“Did you ever think of me when you were lying in it?” he whispers as his eyes darken and drop to my lips.
“Yes,” I whisper.
“Did you ever touch yourself while you thought of me?”
I drop my head and he puts his finger under my chin and brings my face back up to his as his eyes search mine.
“Yes,” I whisper again as I twist my hands nervously in front of me.
“Did you ever think you would have me sleep in this bed with you?” he smirks sexily as he runs his hand down my clavicle and cups my breast.
“No,” I whisper.
“How are we going to celebrate our strength in this bed tonight?” he whispers as he leans in and kisses me softly and his lips linger over mine.
He’s right, this is a momentous night. I would lie here and cry myself to sleep every night wishing that he wasn’t my cousin, wishing that we could be here together, wishing that I had my parents’ support. And here we are eight long years later, he is not biologically my cousin although my stomach twists with the hurt that knowledge brings. We are here together and my mother is one hundred per cent behind us. I make an internal decision, I love this man and I do want to celebrate my strength … with him.