by T L Swan
“I don’t know but we have to find him. He’s not fucking thinking straight. God knows what he will do,” Cameron mutters.
“Fuck,” I sigh as I grab my shoes. We run out into the corridor and toward the lift where Ben is waiting.
“My god, I’m getting worried,” I whisper as we drive down the one-way street. Cameron, Ben and I have been driving around for two hours looking for Joshua. Our eyes all scan the pavement. He’s not answering his phone.
“Where are you, fucker?” Cameron snaps. “I can’t handle this shit. I can’t handle not knowing where the fuck anyone is!” Cameron yells.
Ben pulls his hands through his hair in frustration. “Why would he go out in the middle of the night by himself?”
I drop my head. We all know the answer. “He’s looking for her?” I whisper.
As we go past each streetlight my eyes search the lit-up space. “Where could he be?” I whisper through my worry. “What if they have him too?”
Ben narrows his eyes as he stares at the road. “I don’t know how he got past security?” he murmurs.
“Oh, what you mean is for the second time. Your security team is fucking shit. Natasha would still be here if they did their job correctly,” Cameron snaps. “I have never seen such incompetence in my life.”
Ben shakes his head in annoyance. “Yeah, well nobody went in so he has snuck out, but definitely nobody went in.”
“Same fucking shit,” Cam snaps. “If you can get out you can get in. Tell me the difference.”
I frown into the darkness as I keep my eyes peeled on the pavement. “Where are you Joshua?” I whisper as we turn the corner to the bay where Natasha was taken from and Ben pulls the car into a carpark facing the water below. It’s dawn and the sun is just starting to put a dim light on everything in its path. The rain is still falling softly onto the windscreen, and then I see it. A lone figure standing down on the rocks on the water’s edge in the darkness and rain.
“There he is,” I whisper.
We all sit still and watch him. His head is down and he stands on the rocks on the shoreline. “He’s looking for her,” Cameron whispers. “I don’t know what to say to him. How do I help him?” he murmurs.
Ben rests his elbows on the steering wheel as he watches his friend troll the rocks below. “This is all my fault,” he whispers through tears.
Cameron stays silent as he watches his traumatised brother.
I shake my head as my tears break the dam. “This isn’t how it’s supposed to go, bad things aren’t supposed to happen to good people,” I ground out. “Tash, come back… please come back.” Cameron and Ben both drop their heads in the front seat. We have no idea what to do… what to say to him. No words can make anyone feel better and, because we feel so powerless to help him, the three of us sit in the car as we watch Joshua slowly walk around the water’s edge for an extended time.
“Let’s go,” Ben whispers as he gets out of the car.
We all get out of the car and slowly make our way to the water’s edge through the wind and the rain. Joshua’s eyes stay focused on the boat still moored out to sea, the crime scene. Cameron slowly puts his arm around his broken brother and the four of us all stare out to the boat in silence.
“I can’t find her,” Joshua grinds out through the rain hitting his face.
I drop my head.
“What if she is hurt?” He screws up his face in pain. “Her nightmare, this is what she feared would happen and I promised her it wouldn’t,” he sobs.
We all stay silent, unsure what to say.
Joshua shakes his head. “This is my fault. I should have protected her. It was my job to keep her safe.” He screws up his face as his tears fall with the rain. “I should have protected her. It was my job!” he cries out into the rain. “Natasha!” he calls out. “Where are you, baby?”
I drop my head, unable to swallow though my tears. This is too much. Cameron pulls his brother into an embrace and Joshua howls onto his shoulder. Ben slumps to sit on the wet sand with his head in his hands and I fall to the sand beside him.
What’s going on in this world? I have lost all faith. Never have I felt so lost and disillusioned in my life.
Her dark eyes smile up at me from our bed.
“Put them on,” she urges.
I shake my head in disgust at the flannelette pyjamas she has laid out on the bed for me.
“I’m not wearing those,” I mutter. “Forget it.”
She smiles. “Then we can be snuggly.”
My eyes meet hers. “The only thing I’m wearing in my bed tonight is you.” I sit on the side of the bed next to her and slide my hand up under her pyjama top, and my hand cups her breast. Leaning up on her elbow she kisses me gently. “I can’t wait to marry you, Joshua,” she whispers into my lips as she runs her hand through my stubble.
“So you can turn me into a geriatric in pyjamas?” I smirk as I lie her down under me and drop my lips to her neck.
“That’s the only reason,” she whispers as she kisses me again.
“Tough shit,” I whisper. “You can’t make me wear those fuckers.”
She laughs out loud. “Give me time, big boy. We’ll see.”
Joshua
I come back to the present—my mind is constantly jumping between memories and stupid conversations that we had. I can remember every damn detail about us but not the most important thing. What happened last Saturday night—that’s what I need to remember. I’m trolling deep through my mind for a clue but all I keep coming up with is more memories of my beautiful girl. I look at the wall and see the clock turn over another hour and my heart sinks again. Time… how do you stop it… or better still turn it back? With every hour that passes I know the chance drops further of us finding her. It’s been six days since Natasha was taken. Police are streaming in and out of our hotel room, photographers and journalists are camped outside. We have the whole top floor of the hotel to ourselves. My parents and Natasha’s mother are all here. I am surrounded by people who love me and yet I am entirely and utterly alone. I have no way out of this. Natasha is gone.
I can’t eat, speak… function. The only thing on my mind is my beautiful fiancée and how deeply I let her down. Bridget walks into my room with a protein shake.
“Josh, you need to eat.” She passes me the shake. “Or drink.”
“Thanks,” I murmur as I take it.
“Did you sleep last night?” she whispers.
I nod as I look at the floor. I can’t lie to Bridget. I have hardly slept in six days.
“Are you still throwing up?” she whispers.
I shake my head while still looking down.
“That means yes,” she whispers as she runs her hand down my arm.
“Josh, Natasha would want me to look after you. Tell me how to help you,” Bridget murmurs.
I smile sadly and walk over to the window to look out to sea, and she walks over and embraces me from behind. “Josh, please don’t fall apart. We need you to be strong.”
I drop my head. “I’m trying,” I whisper.
“Try harder,” she murmurs.
I turn and take her in my arms. “Are you ok?” I whisper into her hair.
She nods into my chest. “I’m so sad,” she whispers in a muffled voice. “How do we do this?”
Cameron walks to the door. “The police want to have a meeting with the family,” he says in a monotone. I pull from Bridget’s embrace and my eyes meet his.
“Why? Have they found something?” I ask.
“I’m not sure,” he replies.
With a heavy heart Bridget and I follow Cameron down the hall to a common meeting room that the police have been using as a base to coordinate with our security guards and search teams. There are three policemen in the room along with Natasha’s mother, my parents, Cameron, Bridget and me.
The police all shake my hand. “Mr Stanton.” They nod.
My heart starts to race. This is the first time they have requeste
d to speak to us together.
“What’s happening?” I ask impatiently.
The policemen exchange looks. “We have a few reports that have come back from the crime scene.”
“Any prints?” I blurt.
“No,” the tall one answers. “Not that we can find.”
I shake my head in disgust, of course not.
“The DNA we got from Natasha’s hairbrush and toothbrush confirm that it was her blood on the boat.”
I drop my head as Bridget and her mother gasp and embrace. “Oh no,” Bridget whispers.
“We can also confirm that she had Rohypnol in her system too and that she would not have been awake during the ordeal,” the officer says flatly, running on autopilot.
I start to hear my pulse in my ears.
The officers hesitate and exchange looks again.
Don’t say it. Don’t say it. Please don’t say it.
The policeman directs his conversation directly at me. “The coroner’s report has come back from the crime scene, Mr Stanton.”
I lift my chin as I prepare myself.
“The search has been changed from one for a missing person to a body retrieval.”
I stand still, unable to react.
“There were over three and a half litres of blood on the boat and it has been ruled that nobody could survive that amount of blood loss.”
I close my eyes as my world comes to an end.
“I’m sorry, Mr Stanton, but your fiancée has been ruled deceased.”
I grip the back of the chair to stop myself from falling. I start to sway as my soul is ripped from my body and distantly from somewhere in the room I hear the howling of our families.
Chapter 21
Darkness. Is it something ingrained in your psyche or is it a consequence of circumstance? With every hour I am away from my angel I feel the demons taking just that little bit more of my soul, pulling me into a darker place.
Revenge.
I can almost taste the blood of the person who did this to Natasha. I’m going to kill them with my bare hands when I find out who it is. And every last person involved is going to suffer and die a slow painful death along with them.
I sit in the back of my car on our way to LA. It has been sixteen days since Natasha died. Up until now I haven’t been able to bear the thought of going home without her and if I had my choice I would never go back, but Bridget is distraught. She thinks I’m going to do something stupid and won’t leave my side. It’s killing me. I just need to be alone.
She is in the car behind us, a convoy. The united family unit. What a joke. My mother and father are hardly speaking, and I can’t even look at my mother. Cameron is not talking to Ben, Ben is blaming himself and hasn’t spoken to Bridget since it was discovered Tash was missing. Brock is here, but we haven’t spoken directly. I know he is blaming me. I blame me. Bridget and her mother are fussing around me protectively and I just want to be left the fuck alone. Adrian is trying to be strong for all of us but I know he can’t handle this either. He loved Tash too.
We are falling apart and the glue that kept me sane is no longer here.
Finally we pull into my driveway and I close my eyes as the car stops. I can’t go into the house without her. This is her house, and she is meant to be here.
I stay seated in the car as I try to pull myself together enough to get out.
Bridget gets slowly out of the car behind and comes up to the door and opens it. “Come on, Josh,” she whispers.
I sit still, unable to move.
She grabs my hand. “It’s ok. I’ll come with you,” she says quietly.
I rip my hand from hers. “No!” I scream. “You are not Natasha! You will not come with me!” I yell.
I jump out of the car enraged. “All of you go!” I shake my head as the tears start. “I don’t want you here. Any of you. Go.”
“Calm down,” Cameron whispers.
“Fuck off!” I yell. I turn to the security guards. “You’re all fired, you are totally fucked. Get away from me!” I scream.
Everyone stands around defiantly as if expecting this and I storm into the house alone, slamming the door behind me.
I look around at the huge clean space and my chest starts to contract. I feel like I can’t breathe. I run to the stairs and take them two at a time until I get to our bedroom.
Instantly a calmness comes over me and I sit quietly on the bed with my heart beating heavily in my chest. I can feel her presence here. For the first time in two weeks I can feel her with me and it’s strangely comforting. I look over to the side table and through bleary eyes I see her diary with her opened glasses sitting on top of it. I pick them up and hold them to my chest and, as if on autopilot, I open the diary and start to read.
Dear Diary
Today I bought my wedding dress. The dress I have wanted to wear for eight years.
I’m so excited, I’m so happy, I’m so in love.
Mum will be here soon and I can’t wait to see her and show her Willowvale. Joshua said we can build her a house there. I desperately hope she wants to live there with us. I can’t wait to see Josh’s face when I tell him I want to move to his dream house and live his dream life.
I love it there too.
I close the diary and hold it to my chest and somehow feel comforted and grateful knowing that she was happy and loved in the last five months of her life.
She showed me a love like nothing I have ever known… and now I am facing a loss like I have never known and I don’t know if I can go on.
I curl up into a ball on our bed clutching her diary and glasses. Help me, Tash. Help me get through this.
Adrian
My phone rings and I glance down at the caller. Nicholas. My heart drops. I haven’t thought of him since Natasha died a month ago.
“Hello,” I answer.
“Hey… you ok?” his velvety voice whispers down the phone.
My eyes close and I feel a lump in my throat form and I shake my head.
“Has there been any word?” he replies quietly.
“No,” I push out. “How did you hear?”
“It’s world news, Adrian. Are you ok?” he repeats.
My heart drops. Of course it’s world news. “Yes,” I whisper, but in all honesty I’m just not. I don’t know how to help Joshua or handle the press on this situation. I’m getting swamped by both clients and investors. It’s a nightmare on all fronts.
“How is Joshua?” he asks.
I shake my head and walk to the window. “Bad.”
“Is he talking?”
“No,” I murmur.
“And Cameron and everyone else?”
I close my eyes again. “It’s bad Nick. Everyone’s fucked up.”
He stays silent as he thinks. “I’m coming over to look after you for a while.”
I stay silent. God, I want that.
“I can spend some time with Joshua and give him some treatment without him knowing,” he replies.
I frown. That actually makes sense. “Are you busy at the moment?” I ask.
“Never too busy for you,” he replies quietly. “And I can help you go through a few things at work and write some press releases for you and stuff.”
“Could you?” I whisper. “That… would be really helpful.”
“I will tie up things today and come tomorrow.”
I smile my first real smile in a month. “I will send the plane for you.”
“No it’s ok. Can you pick me up from the airport though?” he asks.
“Of course.” And for some strange reason I am filled with relief.
“Thank you, Nicholas. It means a lot,” I whisper.
I feel him smile down the phone line. “What are friends for if they can’t support each other through tough times?”
I feel the lump in my throat again and I nod.
“See you soon,” I whisper before hanging up.
I sit at my desk and put my head in my hands. Nicholas will be
here soon and he can help me with the press. I’m so out of my depth here. The staff morale is at an all-time low and I don’t know how to pick everyone up because I am struggling as much as they. Joshua has insisted on coming to work today… I don’t know why. He has hardly left his bedroom for the last two weeks since they got back. I’m so worried about him… everyone is worried about him.
I just need to keep him busy.
Joshua
With a heavy heart I put the last of Natasha’s diaries into my duffle bag. I have wrapped them all in brown paper and then stacked them in leather shoeboxes. I need to get them out of the house without being detected.
For the last two weeks I have sat on our bed and read every word written by my beloved and there is absolutely no way in hell I am going to let them become public property in an investigation. She has put her heart and soul onto the paper of these diaries and the level of intimacy that she writes about is nobody’s business but hers and mine. There is absolutely no evidence in them of who did this to her and I will not let them tarnish her in any way with her most intimate thoughts released to the press. I throw my gym clothes on top of the boxed diaries and take a deep breath. Just let me get them out of the house without being intercepted. I have arranged a safety deposit box in another name across town and have a courier picking them up from the office mailroom, but I need to get them there first.
I throw the bag over my shoulder and head downstairs.
“Good morning,” I smile at everyone sitting around in the kitchen. They all look around at me in shock. I have hardly left my bedroom and now I’m shaved and in a suit ready for work. Unbeknown to them I have a mission.
Bridget smiles warmly at me and jumps off her chair in excitement. “Are you going to work?”
I smile sympathetically. “Yes, Didge, I’m going to work.”
She holds her hands as if in prayer. “That’s good,.” she whispers hopefully.
I nod and smile again. Bridget really does want to see me though this. I don’t think I have ever been so grateful for having her in my life.
“Joshua, it’s too soon.” My mother frowns.