by L. S Bethel
Kang-Dae felt sick, a poisonous feeling of dread that only grew as the day wore on. There was no amount of preparation or pre-thought he could do that would get him ready for what was to take place. He could only think about how to live with it and for her sake and those depending on him he would.
“Can we stop for a moment?” Serenity’s sudden question brought everyone out of their personal introspective. Without really waiting for confirmation Serenity dismounted on her own with some difficulty not waiting for any help. She walked off into the woods. Kang-Dae looked to Jung-Soo who just gave a nod.
Kang-Dae dismounted and followed after her, leaving the other two on the road. He found her quickly standing among the trees. When he got closer to her he thought she was speaking to herself but then he realized she was praying. “Give me strength. Please settle my heart. Grant me enough peace just to make it.” Kang-Dae felt a pang in his heart listening to her pleading words. Unable to stop himself he wrapped his arms around her waist hugging her to his chest. She paused in the middle of her prayer and relaxed against him. They stood silently trying to hold on to the moment, neither of them wanting to be the first to let go. When he felt the tears fall on his sleeve, he closed his eyes trying to keep his own at bay. The question he'd been holding back, the one he never asked because deep down he already knew the answer was on his tongue. A last-ditch effort to spare them both this pain. “Serenity,” he spoke. He felt her stiffen in his arms. Still, he opened his mouth to continue but she spun around and kissed him hard. He was momentarily stunned by the intensity of it. His fingers dug into her back as he allowed her to pour her heart out with her kiss. When she pulled back slightly out of breath, he could see the resolve in her eyes. He put his question back in his heart. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to her head. ‘So be it.’
***
The moon shined above providing a little light in the darkness. It was hard to see, but they could not stop. Tonight, was her chance. The butterflies in her stomach had been plaguing her for the past hour. She was almost there; she was almost home. The memory of the shadow from her dream had come into her mind putting a trickle of fear inside her. She forced the feeling away. She was going home, she had to believe that. “Here.” Kang-Dae’s voice made her heart jump.
The group dismounted and let the horses into the trees. Serenity saw the lake, she felt her excitement rising and falling like a rollercoaster. She approached the lake slowly. She could feel that panic beginning to stir whenever she was near bodies of water, but she kept willing it away. She stared up at the moon. It didn't seem any different. The crescent moon was partly obscured by dark clouds. She took in a deep breath. Turning back to those that accompanied her, her eyes met Amoli’s first. She hugged her friend tightly.
“Thank you,” she whispered. She heard Amoli sniffle in her ear as she clung to her.
“Be safe My Queen,” Amoli said, voice cracking.
Jung-Soo was next. Despite his stiff posture, she hugged him to her. He stood rigidly before slowly returning her embrace. “I'll miss you,” she told him. He didn't respond but she never expected him to. Instead, his hold tightened. She smiled, hugging him just as tightly before he finally released her.
As she approached Kang-Dae, he wouldn't look at her, keeping his gaze firmly on the ground. She had to raise his eyes to meet hers. The pain she saw in them made her falter. Whatever she wanted to say to him didn't seem enough, nothing did. She decided one last kiss would have to do. A last-minute thought came to her and she reached for her necklace, carefully removing it and placing it in his hands.
“I cannot,”
“If it wasn’t for this, I never would’ve met you. Keep it so you have something to remember me by.” Kang-Dae shut his eyes tightly. “I really loved being your Queen,” she said with a quiver. She hugged him so tightly she could feel his heart racing. She forced herself to let go, knowing if she didn't, she never would.
Her feelings bounced between excitement, dread, happiness, and sorrow with every step toward the lake. She had no idea what she was doing, but she figured the water, with the help of the moon, would do all the work like before. The first step into the cold water made her want to jump back but she pressed on. The more she was submerged the more her heart pounded in her ears. Nothing happened. She decided to swim out into the middle and wait for the same pull that had brought her here. She waited for a few moments, but nothing happened. Maybe she hadn't found the right place. She took a breath and dove. The murkiness of the water and the darkness of the night made it impossible to see but she kept swimming. Desperate to find the same whirlpool that had brought her here. She swam to her left, right, to the front, to the side but nothing was happening. She felt the cold hands of despair grip her heart. Her dream was no longer in the back of her mind but screaming at her. She dived again and again and again barely coming up for air. She could hear the concerned voices of Kang-Dae and Jung-Soo, but she ignored them. Her lungs began to burn but she dared not come up, not until she found her way home. As she felt herself become lightheaded something pulled her. Hope began to fill her, believing she’d found it, but when she reached the surface in Kang-Dae’s arms her heart fell.
“What are you doing? I just have to keep trying!” she cried out desperately.
“You are going to kill yourself!” he argued back. She moved to go under once more, but he stopped her. She pushed him.
“Stop! It’ll work. I know it will!” she tried once more to go under but Kang-Dae had enough and dragged her to shore. She fought, begged, and screamed. Jung-Soo had to help pull her out. “Let me go!” she shrieked. “I'm going to miss it! The sun will be up soon. I have to go back!” Neither man would release her. She struggled against them, cursing at them, hitting them. Doing everything she could to try to get back in.
Eventually, Jung-Soo was the one to pin her down. “Serenity!” he shouted silencing her. Desperate eyes stared up at him. “Sometimes doors only open one way.”
The words were like a knife in her heart. She shook her head. “No!” She cried out not wanting to believe it. “It'll work. It has to,” she said, but everyone could hear the uncertainty in her voice. She let out a sob. “Please, please let me try again,” she begged them. Jung-Soo released her so Kang-Dae could take her in his arms. “I have to try again,” she kept repeating over and over into his chest. Kang-Dae held her as her body convulsed with sobs. The scream she released broke his heart in two. “I'm sorry. I'm so sorry,” he whispered into her in Xianian, as she cried out in despair.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Kang-Dae accepted the tray of food not allowing the servant in the room. He set it down on the table, grabbed the rice, and took it over to the bed where Serenity lay and had been laying for over two weeks. The only time she got up was to relieve herself and when Kang-Dae would take her to bathe with Amoli’s help. She didn't want to see or be around anyone. She barely acknowledged his presence. She’d become a shell of her former self from the moment they brought her back to the palace. She didn't speak or show any kind of emotion. She was broken. Seeing her this way was killing him. He was doing his best to be there for her, to keep her healthy so when she did find her way back to the surface he would be there. When her attempts at going home had failed, he vowed to do whatever he could to make this place a home for her. Once they got through this, when she returned to herself, he would spend his life and all his efforts making her happy.
Kang-Dae helped her sit up. She didn't look at him at all. She hadn’t acknowledged him or anyone since her return. He took his time feeding her. She took small bites, not showing any indication of whether she liked it or not. It was just the task her body did automatically. He fed her until she wouldn't accept any more. As usual, it wasn't much. He sometimes got so preoccupied with making sure she was fed, he would skip his own meals. He watched her at all times, hardly ever getting any sleep himself. She drank a few sips of water before laying back down. He put the bowl and cup away. He had his guard turn a
way anyone who came looking for them, not caring to be bothered with anyone or anything. He refused to leave her side. His wife was his priority at the moment. He wasn't going to push her to recover. He knew she was in mourning. She was grieving the loss of her family, her old life, and all her hopes that she would return one day. But he would help her through it no matter how long it took. He had failed her, it was only right he take the responsibility.
***
“This won't do. It won't work if this keeps up,” Yoon said. He had been disappointed when the King arrived back with the Queen thinking her absence could only help their plan. They decided to continue but hit a wrinkle when the King disappeared into their chamber and refused to come out. The King’s captain gave some excuse about the Queen becoming ill on the journey and having to return.
“We can only wait. This can't last much longer. Once they reappear, we will double our efforts. Now more than ever it's important we remove her. She's an unneeded distraction and a burden on him.” His co-conspirator spoke. Yoon nodded in full agreement.
***
Serenity didn't feel alive. She knew she wasn't dead, but she couldn't feel anything. She was completely numb. But it was much better than the gut-wrenching agony she had felt at the lake. She just wanted to stay this way until that horrible grief went away. Her eyes threatened to well up again as she thought on it, but she shut them defiantly.
“Serenity?” She heard Kang-Dae call to her, but she didn't answer, she couldn't. She still couldn’t bring herself to speak to him or anyone, knowing it would just cause her to breakdown again. If she allowed herself to feel all that she lost, she was terrified of what she might do to herself. The idea of doing anything to stop the pain was prickling in the back of her mind and she kept it at bay by choosing not to feel it all. She didn’t know how long she would or could continue living like this.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Jung-Soo walked with purpose. He held back for days, hoping things would get better but every time he saw Kang-Dae as he practically carried Serenity to the bath, he was looking more and more worn. There were dark circles under his eyes and his skin looked to be losing its hue. He decided if Kang-Dae wouldn’t put a stop to this he would.
The guard posted outside the room moved to bar his entry. “The King ordered-,” the guard began.
“Are you going to stop me?” Jung-Soo interrupted, stepping up to the guard whose eyes began to shift nervously. Thinking better of it, he stepped away and Jung-Soo went inside.
Kang-Dae looked like he wanted to kill him when he walked in but that didn't bother him. “Go see your mother,” Jung-Soo ordered.
“I said I didn't want anyone to disturb us,” Kang-Dae snapped.
“She hasn't seen either of you since before we left. Go. Explain the situation so she doesn't worry further. I'll stay with her.” Kang-Dae looked back to Serenity. “Go,” Jung-Soo noted how slowly he moved, almost weakly as he reluctantly got out of the bed and walked out.
Alone with Serenity, Jung-Soo approached the bed. She didn’t move at all. She wasn't sleeping, he could tell. He stood directly above her. “It's time to get up.” No reaction. “You are Queen. You do not get to do this, not to yourself or to him.” Still no reaction. “If you want to waste away so be it, but I will not allow you to take him with you.” He could tell when she started listening there was the smallest amount of eye movement beneath her closed lids.
“He has not eaten nor slept because he wants to care for you. As long as you are like this you will slowly kill you both.” There was the slightest movement in her body at his words. “The longer you choose to suffer the longer he does as well. He’s determined to share your pain.” Jung-Soo paused, waiting for any type of response. A soft sniffle broke through the silence. Very soon after, a small sob left her which made him regret his harshness. “This is your home now,” he spoke gently. “Whether you want it or not, you will live here for the remainder of your life. Is this how they want you to live it?” He sat down next to her watching her closely.
“Do you know why I never returned to my home once Kang-Dae took me off the streets? I knew there was no home to return to. My village had been attacked shortly after I'd been sold off.” He paused briefly. “I know what it is like to mourn a family. I know what it feels like to want to stop everything. I endured because I know who I am, and I know who they expected me to be. In that same way, I know who you are. I know you can and will endure this, and then you will overcome it because you are a warrior Serenity. It is not in your heart to lay down and die. So live.” Her shoulders shook as she quietly sobbed to herself. He gently touched her shoulder offering the only comfort he could. “This will not be your end, nor theirs. If they are anything like you, they too will endure.” She wept openly now as he sat by letting her cry out all she had been holding back. He didn't interrupt her or try to calm her. He knew she had to release it all so she could begin to move on.
When Kang-Dae returned, Serenity was sitting up to his surprise. Jung-Soo said nothing to him as he passed him on his way out of the room. He was momentarily vexed, wondering what Jung-Soo could possibly have done but quickly shifted his focus to her. He joined her on the bed concerned flooding him as he looked at her puffy red eyes. “What did he say to you?” he asked, ready to scold Jung-Soo for upsetting her at such a time. Serenity shook her head and sniffled. She was staring up at him, her eyes taking him in.
“You look so tired,” she said hoarsely. Kang-Dae was about to dismiss her concerns, but she took his hand and tried to get him to lay down. He wouldn't at first, wanting to stay up with her. “Please?” Unable to deny her, he finally complied. She lay down as well, facing him so she could rest her hand on his cheek. He placed his atop of hers. “Sleep.”
He didn’t want to give into it. Now that she was actively interacting with him once more, he longed to stay up and speak with her, but the days hit him as soon as his head hit the pillow. Before he could allow himself to slip into unconsciousness, he spoke. “I was unable to keep my vow to you, but I swear, I will not allow you to face this alone. I will never leave you.”
Sleep,” she said once more. He was vaguely aware of her fingers stroking his hair as he finally succumbed to the darkness.
Serenity watched as Kang-Dae slept. When she actually looked at him, she realized the truth of his words. Kang-Dae had been suffering in solidarity with her. He looked like he had lost a bit of weight and his skin was a lot paler than normal. It hurt her heart to see him like this especially since she knew she was the cause. She caressed his cheek. ‘I'm sorry’. Jung-Soo was right, her mother would be disappointed to see her behaving this way. ‘God doesn't let anything happen without purpose. It's how you endure it that determines whether you let it take you down or not.’ Her mother's words echoed in her mind strengthening and saddening her. However, she chose to only embrace the strength. She would deal with her grief, but she wouldn't let it overwhelm her. If she was still here that meant she still had a purpose. She would pick herself up, not just for herself or Kang-Dae, but for her family as well. She toyed with her necklace. At some point during her depressive episode, Kang-Dae must have slipped it back on her. She held onto the jewel gaining strength from it. If this was to be her life from now on, she would not only live it, she would own it. After all, she was a queen.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Kang-Dae awoke feeling better than he had for days but when he saw he was alone in the bed he popped up. He called out for Serenity but quickly relaxed when he saw her at the table laying out food. She gave a small smile. Though it was tinted with sadness, it filled him with some relief as he was unsure when he would see her smile again.
“Morning or afternoon,” she joked. “You were asleep for a long time.” He moved to join her. “I asked Amoli to bring more chicken. I know you like that best,” she said softly.
He wanted to ask after her so many questions, how she was feeling, what she needed, but he feared he would only remind her of her pain,
so he refrained. He instead settled for having a meal. He didn’t touch his food for the longest time too engrossed with watching her, glad to see her appetite had somewhat returned. Once she noticed he had yet to take a bite, she began to feed him a bite of hers. The whole scene felt like a dream to Kang-Dae, so much so he began to question if he had ever awakened from his sleep. Serenity appeared to be starting to adjust to her loss but he wanted to be cautious just in case she had a moment of relapse so he could be ready to be there for her. “You should meet with the council today.”
“No. It is fine. Kyril can inform me later.”
“You should go,” she insisted. “You've been away too long. We both have. I'm going to meet with Nasim, and make sure the forts all have their provisions for the month,” she said surprising him once more.