“How did we…” I trailed off, still not entirely comfortable vocalising our relationship. “When did we start talking again?”
“That’s something you’re going to have to ask Jax,” she replied. I accepted her response. How my relationship with Jax progressed from friends to more was not my sister’s story to tell. “Have you spoken to her?”
“How could I?” My reply was weak, full of regret. “After how horrible I was, she must hate me.”
“Quite the opposite, Elena.” Her words caused my mind to drift back to earlier in the apartment.
“I found a picture of my wedding day.”
Cat’s face eased into a wistful smile, and it was obvious she was recalling it. The blissful look on her face made me envious at first, jealous that she could remember what was supposed to be the best day of my life, and I couldn’t.
I was overwhelmed with a surge of raw emotion. “Was it a nice day?” My voice trembled, revealing how lost I felt as the tears fell with no end in sight.
“Yes, Elena.” She reached for my hand. “It was beautiful. You were so beautiful.” I could barely hold back the loud sobbing as she continued. “We packed up the cars and drove down the south coast. It was a sunny day in June, and you got married in Worthing town hall. It overlooks the ocean, and Jamie gave you away because you said he was the only man you could ever rely on.” Tears flowed freely, and she wiped them away as I listened, captivated. “It wasn’t fancy. We had a picnic on the beach and stayed there all day. That’s how you wanted it. There were only ten guests, maybe, and we drank champagne until dusk. You and Jax danced on the beach as the sun set. You said it was the best day of your life.”
“It’s not fair. I should know this. Know them.”
“They’re right here, Elena. Waiting.” My eyes found hers. “Your amazing family is waiting to share everything with you all over again.”
I nodded, as the need to speak to Jax overpowered all other thoughts.
* * *
Jax
Mum set down another cup of tea. My body was too weak from the weight of today to do anything more than sulk. My phone buzzed on the table as the caller ID revealed it was Elena. My mother must have witnessed my wide eyes staring at the phone because she pulled me from the shock.
“Answer the bloody thing,” she barked as I darted the phone to my ear.
“Elena? Is everything okay?”
“Oh, hi. Yes, I’m fine,” Elena hesitantly responded. “How are you?” she asked in an extremely formal tone.
“I’m good. Well, fine, yeah,” I returned as awkwardly.
“And Jamie?”
“He’s good. Asleep at Mum’s.” I couldn’t control the awkwardness as I overexplained. “I’m at my mum’s house too. Not that you needed to know that. Are you at home? I mean, at the apartment?”
“No, I’m at Caterina’s house. It was a little too quiet at the apartment. All by myself.” Her response gave my heart a hopeful beat. I didn’t know how to respond, though. Did she mean she missed us? Or perhaps she just wanted to be around her sister? Silence engulfed the line until Elena spoke up again. “Are you still there?”
“Yes,” I almost shouted and then chastised myself for being so uncool. My mother hung on to every word as if trying to decode what was being said on the other line. “I’m here.”
“I was hoping, well, wondering, if we could talk.” I began nodding excitedly without actually vocalising. “Maybe tomorrow? Today was just a lot. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it all. And I feel terrible…about how I reacted.”
“You have nothing to feel terrible about.” My calming voice appeared in an instant, surprising me, Elena, and my mother. “Your reactions are valid.” She was silent, prompting me to continue. “I’m here to help with whatever you need, but if you decide you don’t need me, that’s okay too. What happens next will be at your own pace. Whenever you’re ready.”
“Thank you, Jax.” Her soft voice told me she was smiling. That knowledge gave me enough hope to breathe a sigh of relief. “Will you come home tomorrow? Jamie too. Only if you think it would be okay.”
“Yes.” I cut her off eagerly. “We’ll be there. Looking forward to it.”
“Me too,” she finished before hanging up, and I slumped back into the chair with some newfound ease.
The next day, I drove straight to the apartment after leaving Jamie at school, unable to focus on work without speaking to Elena first. With no idea what she wanted to speak to me about, I was completely powerless.
Emerging into my darkened home, I followed the glow of light coming from the living room. Elena was at her laptop but quickly rose when she saw me. She looked exhausted and in the same clothes as yesterday, which told me she likely spent the night on Cat’s couch.
“Hi.” She sounded hesitant and followed my gaze to the laptop. “I decided to work from home today.” I nodded, standing awkwardly in the middle of the room, unsure of what to do next. “Do you want coffee or tea?”
“Sure. Coffee, please.”
She moved toward the kitchen and filled a cup. I removed my coat but stayed stationary, afraid to get comfortable. My hands shook as Elena returned from the kitchen and handed the cup to me, her hand brushing mine. Her eyes met mine fleetingly, but the uncomfortable shift in her demeanour caused me to retract my hand. Though I tried to hide the heartache I felt at how uncomfortable my touch made her, Elena must have spotted it.
“Will you sit?” She offered an olive branch as she led us toward the more informal setting of the couch. I followed her lead, conscious not to push her outside the confines of comfort, keeping a safe distance between us. “Is Jamie at school?”
“Yes, I dropped him off before coming home. Here,” I corrected as she mirrored my nervous nodding. Silence settled around us, but it felt deafening, I couldn’t stand it any longer. “Elena, I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I never meant—”
“Please don’t.”
Those words caused my mind to panic. I thought the worst. Elena would never forgive me; the trust was broken forever.
But she surprised me by turning to face me, showing nothing but remorse. “I should be the one apologising.” Her emerald eyes softened as they met mine, and I could tell how raw they were from crying. “Yesterday was…” She trailed off.
“A lot. I get it. I’m not upset or anything. It’s like I said on the phone, you don’t have to apologise for your reaction. And we can do this whatever way you want.”
“Do what?”
“With Jamie,” I said, but she still didn’t seem clear. “He can stay at my mum’s so you can have more time to process. We both can. Or if you’d rather not live here anymore then—”
“No. I want him to be here. I want to get to know him. He’s my son.” She seemed to be almost reminding herself of that fact. “He should be living at home.”
“Okay,” I said slowly, painfully aware that I was left out of the arrangement.
Elena must have read my mind as she spoke up again. “And you should be here.” My eyes collided with hers. “This is your home too.” I was unable to keep my smile at bay. “Jamie needs you.”
I desperately wanted to ask if he was the only one who needed me but instead mustered a neutral response. “Okay.”
“But we have to change the sleeping arrangements,” Elena added lightly, as if without great thought as she sipped her brew. She must have realised her wording as a crimson blush spread over her cheeks as she corrected herself. “No, not like that!” She coughed on the coffee before clearing her voice. “I meant, you can have your bedroom back. I will take that smaller room.” She nodded toward my sleeping quarters.
“No, that’s okay. Really, I’m fine sleeping in the spare room.”
“That’s not fair. Jax, that bedroom doesn’t even have a wardrobe.”
I narrowed my eyes, curious as to how she knew that.
“Seriously, I insist.”
“No, it’s okay. You have the mast
er bedroom.”
“Well, let’s take it in turns—”
“Elena, really, I’m fine in the smaller room.” She tried to argue again, but I silenced her. “Look, I can’t sleep in there,” I said. She seemed taken aback as my eyes drifted to our old bedroom door. “I can’t sleep in that bedroom alone.”
“Okay,” she replied as her body tensed, and I immediately regretted my outburst.
The two weeks she’d spent in the hospital, I couldn’t sleep in our bed. It felt so huge and empty that I slept on the couch or at the hospital to avoid the loneliness. But of course, I couldn’t reveal that to Elena. I was about to apologise for the outburst when she spoke up first.
“Jax?” I locked eyes with her. “Why did we get married?” I stared back at her, stunned. What a loaded question, one that seemed obvious. “I mean, we waited years. Cat said that we already lived together, and you had adopted Jamie, so I guess, I just don’t know why we got married.”
My reply didn’t require much thinking. “Because you asked me.”
“I did?”
I nodded before adding, “You asked me to marry you in the exact same spot where you said I saved your life.”
She furrowed her brow. “Well, now you’re going to have to tell me.” Her eyes danced around my face as she leaned back, getting comfortable. “You saved my life?” Her incredulous question caused me to chuckle.
“Not literally, but in a way, maybe.” I leaned back as well. “It was a regular day, like any other. I’d just finished a long shift and was on my way home in rush hour traffic. You know how the Tube can be?” She nodded with a knowing groan. “I’d just about squeezed onto the train, and at the next stop, the door opened, and there you were.” The memory came flooding back, as if it was yesterday.
“Elena?” I stared in disbelief at the ghost from my past.
“Jax?” Her voice cracked as relief washed over her beautiful features. I scanned her face, taking in the red nose and eyes with tears continuing to drop as she sniffled. “What are you doing—”
She couldn’t finish as the warning sound of the Tube getting ready to close its doors interrupted us. I had three seconds to make a decision, stay put and perhaps never see Elena again or take a literal leap of faith. The door began to close, but her eyes pleaded, and in that moment, I knew she needed me. That propelled my feet to step off the train just as the door slammed behind me. The wind swirled around us as the train took off, causing Elena’s hair and mine to dance together. We stood staring at each other in a trance. It had been almost two years since New York, that fateful night in her hotel room that had resulted in me turning my back on her. Despite having zero contact with her, I still thought about her often.
“Are you okay?” I asked once the train had passed.
“No, not really.” She sniffed back the tears. “I had a fight with my boyfriend and I…” Her words seemed caught in her throat as she started crying. Without a second thought, I pulled her toward me, and her arms wrapped around my body.
“It’s okay.” I tried to soothe, but it seemed as if she just needed someone to listen. “Do you want to talk about it?” I asked as we pulled apart, and she nodded.
“Now? Are you sure?” she asked. “Aren’t you going home?”
“Not anymore,” I replied. A small smile appeared on her face. Though I was near exhaustion, the thought of leaving her in this state felt inhumane. “As long as you don’t mind the scrubs.” I revealed them under my jacket, but she didn’t seem fazed at all, shaking her head. “Do you want to get coffee?”
We walked from Victoria Station to a coffee shop and talked for hours. The tears were gone before we’d left the station, and I had her laughing before we made it to a shop. Elena spoke as if she had known me her entire life. We shared stories and caught up on the last two years. I cancelled a date to drink bad coffee in a poorly run coffee shop with her, and I would do it again. I walked her home that evening, and it was on her doorstep that she told me I was a lifesaver. Before leaving, we exchanged numbers, vowing to remain friends. Of course, that didn’t last long.
“Victoria Station?” Elena narrowed her eyes. “I asked you to marry me at Victoria Station?” She frowned in almost disgust. “And you said yes?”
“Always the romantic, Elena,” I teased as she smiled back at me, the air around us feeling lighter. “We might have been a little drunk too, but I said yes regardless.” I found myself staring at my left hand, spinning the wedding band on my finger. “So I didn’t really save your life, but Victoria Station is where we ran into each other again after years of no contact.” I shrugged before adding, “I guess that station is kind of special.”
“And then what happened? After the bad coffee?”
“We remained friends. Got more bad coffee.” She smiled as I continued carefully. “But then, a couple of weeks later, you found out you were pregnant. Then everything changed.” The beeper in my pocket started buzzing, and I reluctantly checked the ID.
“Work?”
“Yeah. I’m late.” I sighed, but when I looked to Elena, she looked just as disappointed. “I’ve got to go.” We stood at the same time and faced each other for a moment.
“That’s a shame. The story was just getting good.”
“I can finish it later.” I added hesitantly, “If you want.”
“I’d really like that.” She smiled before she started walking me out. “Are you working late tonight?” I nodded, but before I could respond, she beat me to it. “Well, I can pick up Jamie after school. I kind of missed him yesterday.”
“Okay, sure,” I said before I remembered one important fact. “Except, he doesn’t know. I didn’t tell him that you know about him yet.”
“Oh.” She thought for a moment, stalling at the front door. “Maybe that’s okay, for now, at least. If you think it’s okay?”
“Yeah, that’s no problem.” I put on my jacket, rambling some more. “Whatever you think. Besides, I think he gets a real kick out of fooling you.”
“Really?” Her eyes lit up excitedly.
“Yeah, it’s just a big game to him. He keeps suggesting ways to make the story more believable. He even wanted to hide the quilt on his bed.”
“Why?”
A small pang hurt my chest. She must have seen it on my face, as that excitement in her eyes faded and was replaced with guilt. “The two of you made it a few months ago. Took you both weeks of sewing to finish it.” Her eyes dropped sadly, and I tried to lighten the mood. “But I explained to him that you wouldn’t remember that.”
“I wish I did. I really do.”
Before I could stop myself, I reached toward her arm to comfort her. On contact, her eyes met mine, and I knew it wasn’t a step too far. “There will be new memories, Elena. You’re here and healthy. That’s all that matters.” My breathing picked up as she stared into my eyes. I was unable to break the trance she had on me. In that moment, she looked like her old self again. It was only a glimmer, though, before the buzzing in my pocket started again, bringing us back to reality.
“You really have to go.” Elena smiled before adding, “But I will see you tonight, when you get home.”
I left the apartment with hope, the polar opposite of how I felt leaving yesterday. The rest of the day dragged with my mind entirely focused on six p.m., when I would leave work and come home to my family.
Chapter Twelve
“Mummy, Mummy, Mummy.” The faint cries pulled me from sleep as the door was pulled open and Jamie raced in.
“What’s wrong, Jamie?”
I couldn’t understand what had happened through his uncontrollable sobbing. I tried to lull him as I pulled him up onto the bed and into my side. The alarm clock revealed it was 2:30 a.m., but the tears kept coming, Jamie clutching my side. He cried about monsters and the “bad men” while I rocked him back and forth, whispering soothing words. After his sobbing eased, I looked up as Jax moved into my room. Taking a seat on the bed, she threw me a small, apologetic
smile before looking down at Jamie, who had yet to register her presence.
“He just ran in. He must have gotten confused in the dark,” I said in the dim light as Jax nodded and rubbed his back.
“Another nightmare, Jay?” she asked softly as he pulled away and looked up at me.
Although he had calmed down, his eyes were wide and glistening with tears as he stared at me for a long moment, and everything stopped. Jamie watched my face as if searching for something he was unable to find. The mother I was supposed to be but had no recollection of. Then a small glimpse of panic appeared on his features, and he turned to Jax as a new wave of crying began.
“I’m sorry, Mum. I forgot.” He sobbed, falling into Jax’s arms. His cries had a physical reaction on me as I watched him clutch his mother desperately. “I forgot, Mum. I forgot.”
“It’s okay,” she whispered in his ear. She looked almost as devastatingly broken as him, leaving me feeling wretched. She lifted him up, wrapping his legs around her waist as he cried into her shoulder. “I’ll get him back to bed.” She retreated from the room, closing the door behind her.
My heart was broken as I thought about Jamie in the darkness. For some time, I could still hear his crying after Jax had taken him back to bed. It physically hurt hearing and seeing him so upset. It was just a dream, and children were naturally frightened by nightmares, but there was something more. The look in his eyes and devastation when he realised that I wasn’t myself, the mother he desperately sought comfort from. Every time I pictured the upset on his face, my chest tightened again, and guilt washed over me.
My automatic, deep-seated feelings for Jamie were there, with the bond I felt and an overwhelming need to protect and care for him. I had never thought of myself as maternal, but he must have changed that in the last six years. How did I not realise it sooner? Of course he was my son. Though the worrying thoughts repeated on my mind often, I made a promise to myself to leave them behind when I got out of bed this morning.
Aurora Page 13