“Do you want to go home?” He thought for a moment before shaking his head. “How about we go see a movie?” He jumped up and down with excitement. “Right after we get you a Happy Meal for being a big brave boy.”
“You’re the best, Elena!” He wrapped his arms around my waist and hugged me tight for a beat.
I felt a pang in my stomach, as I had every single time Jamie called me Elena. It didn’t feel right since I’d learned the truth, particularly as Jax explained he would have always called me Mummy before the accident. Jax and I had agreed to tell Jamie, but we’d never put a timeframe on when. Jax was working nonstop lately, and we had barely spoken about it again. We were supposed to tell him after his birthday, but distractions cropped up, and days had now passed. I couldn’t continue to lie to him.
Once seated in the food court, Jamie began munching on his fries, but I found my appetite was on hold until I got the truth off my chest.
“Jamie?” I asked hesitantly and played with the straw I hadn’t inserted into the cup yet.
“Yeah?”
“You know the way…”
He stared at me, offering partial attention but focusing primarily on his chicken nuggets. “Yeah?” he repeated.
I inhaled, readying myself. “You know how…You remember I had my accident?” He nodded as his mouth was full. “Okay. And that I wasn’t well afterward.”
“You were in the hospital.”
“Well, remember how we talked about me not remembering a lot of things.”
“Yeah?” he replied, half listening as he began to shovel more fries into his mouth. Just like Jax when she was hungry. I could be saying anything and would have to repeat myself at least twice. “Yeah?” he repeated for the fourth time impatiently.
I must have zoned out thinking about Jax. “Well, I still can’t remember a lot of things,” I started again, looking at the straw, which I had bent and twisted to the point where it was no longer functional. “And so Jax, your mum, told me some things.” He sipped on his juice, and I could take it no longer. “I know I’m your mummy too.”
His eyes jumped to mine as he placed the cup of juice back on the table. “You know?” he asked cautiously, as if it was a trick.
“I know,” I whispered as a silence filled the space, and he looked sadly at his food.
“Was it me?” he asked as I furrowed my brow in confusion. “Did I ruin the secret?”
“No, of course not. You didn’t ruin anything.” His face spread into a small grin, prompting me to continue my praise. “You kept it a secret. You were the best at hiding it. Very sneaky.”
He giggled to himself as if he’d won the game. “It was hard.”
“Really?” I returned the playful smile.
“Yeah! I almost called you Mummy like a hundred or maybe a million times.”
“That many times, huh?” I gasped as he nodded, returning to eating his fries again.
“Yeah. Do you remember me?”
My heart ached as I shook my head slowly. “No. I’m sorry, Jamie. The memories aren’t back yet.” He nodded a little sadly. “But I want to get to know you again. I want to know everything. Will you help me?”
“Now?” I nodded before his brow creased in confusion. “But that will take all day. What about the cinema?” I stifled a grin at his list of priorities and opted to play along with his train of thought.
“That’s right. Okay, how about you tell me later? After the movie.”
“Okay, good. I was worried for a minute there.” He exhaled in relief that I hadn’t disturbed his afternoon plans. “What are we going to see at the cinema?”
I found myself smiling, pleased at how easy that turned out to be. Why was it that a six-year-old was so easily adaptable, but I had a minor meltdown? “Whatever you want. But you’re okay?” He nodded. “You can also call me Mummy again too, if you’d like.”
“Okay. Mummy.” He smiled, and I returned the gesture and began eating my food, feeling significantly lighter with that off my chest.
* * *
Jax
I paced the kitchen back and forth as I had done for the best part of an hour. My sneakers squeaked on the kitchen floor, keeping the apartment from deafening silence. I called Elena again, but her phone was still switched off. I had just hung up with Cat for the second time; she’d heard nothing. Tansy said Elena left before lunch to go to Jamie’s school, but that was hours ago. It was dark outside, and they still weren’t home.
I had been cleaning up after surgery when I listened to the voice mail from Jamie’s school saying he’d been in a fight. I called them to apologise for running late only to be informed that Jamie had already left school earlier that day.
The key in the door pulled me from my pacing as Elena and Jamie walked in, giggling like two children. “Hey!” Elena smiled at me before putting Jamie’s bag on the floor and removing his coat.
“Mum, you missed it. We went to the cinema to see—”
“Jamie, please go to your room right now. I’ll be in there in a minute to speak with you.” I used what Elena used to call my “bad cop” tone.
“But, Mum—”
“Now, Jamie,” I yelled, louder than I meant to, and his bag of popcorn dropped as he ran into his room.
“Was that really necessary?” Elena huffed picking up the popcorn and walking into the kitchen.
“I have been calling you all afternoon. Where the hell have you been?” I demanded as I followed her.
“The cinema,” she replied, shaking the bag dramatically. “I have the movie stubs if you don’t believe me. I didn’t get your calls because it’s the strangest thing, but at the cinema, you turn off your phone. They even have that advert where it’s like please turn off—”
“This isn’t a joke, Elena. You don’t just disappear with him, leaving me with no idea where he is. I get a voice mail from the school that he’s been in a fight, and you reward him with a day out to the cinema?” I slammed my hands on the counter as Elena took a step back.
“Your son stood up to some snotty-nosed brat—”
“So we teach him it’s okay to throw a punch when he doesn’t agree? What excellent parenting skills!” I’d already registered my step too far when Elena’s eyes turned fiery.
“And where the hell were you, Jax? Huh? Working. Big surprise, I didn’t realise you had another child, the ER.”
“Don’t talk about stuff you know nothing about,” I shouted as I felt a familiar sense of déjà vu. This wasn’t the first time we’d fought about my intense work schedule. It was the centre of most of our arguments as a married couple. I just didn’t expect this Elena to notice as much.
“You’re one to talk, Jax. You know nothing about what happened to him today,” she said just as loudly, and I gritted my teeth, ready to argue again, but she got in quicker than I did. “Did you even stop to think why Jamie was in a fight? No, you didn’t. Jamie stood up for you today.” Her words shocked me into silence. “Both of us.” She sighed as if she had just realised something more. “Some kid was teasing him about his mum being a dyke and that she was going to burn in hell.”
I was taken aback like after a punch to the gut. I’d been called worse things than that, but nothing hurt as much as hearing someone bullying my son because of who I was. Hearing what happened to Jamie caused my shoulders to sink and guilt to wash over me.
“Violence is not the answer, and he knows that, but he stood up for himself. He stood up for me too. God, he’s only six years old, and he’s still braver than me.” Tears filled her eyes and her voice cracked, but Elena seemed too angry at me to reveal her vulnerability. “You’re in the wrong here, Jax, not him.”
“Elena—”
She stormed out of the kitchen, leaving me alone with a mountain of guilt.
After I apologised to Jamie, he informed me that Elena knew she was his mummy again. I was surprised at first, but it was always going to be Elena’s decision when she told him. And by the sound of it, they had a
great day of bonding, which only made me feel guiltier. Jamie was happy he had his mummy back, even if she wasn’t completely herself again. After hugging it out, I made the long walk to Elena’s bedroom with my head hung in shame.
I knocked lightly on the door, but she didn’t respond. After another louder knock, I was still met with silence. I leaned my forehead against the door and began my apology, knowing that she was too angry to face me.
“I’m sorry, Elena,” I started as I stared at the bedroom door and tried to listen to any sounds from behind it. “Please talk to me. I overreacted. I was worried about him…and you when I couldn’t get through to your phone. I should never have said those hurtful things. I’m grateful you were there and picked him up.” I ran my hand through my hair, hoping she was listening, and I wasn’t just talking to a door. “He told me you called the principal out on her bullshit, which is really something because she’s bloody terrifying.”
The door opened, and Elena stood facing me with her arms crossed.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated as her face began to soften. But after years of marriage, I knew I wasn’t forgiven just yet. “You were right, I should never have flown off the handle without hearing the full story.” I sighed, taking a step closer.
Being at the door frame of our bedroom again stirred emotions I wasn’t expecting. The room was barer than it used to be, but it still felt like us.
“I’m sorry.” I tilted my head to the side and gave her my best puppy dog eyes.
She rarely stayed mad for very long when I brought out this move. A small smile tugged at the corners of her lips, and I knew she felt something for me. More than what could be pawned off as platonic. Daringly, I took a closer step, causing a grin to erupt on her face.
“Say you forgive me.” She shook her head playfully and applied pressure to my shoulders, keeping me at a safe distance. “You’re not gonna really stay mad at me, are you?” Her touch did nothing to slow me as I kept inching closer, causing her to walk backward, trying desperately to hold on to her icy façade, which was quickly melting. “I’m not leaving until you—”
Her back collided lightly with the wardrobe as my hands naturally found her hips, steadying her. My breathing hitched. Her eyes turned darker for a moment as they looked at my parted lips. The arms keeping me at bay relaxed a little, allowing me into her personal space as she bit her bottom lip. I could never resist it when she bit her lip. Her eyes invited me in, and I moved closer until we were inches apart, her hands intertwining around my neck, causing goose bumps on my arms. I could feel her breath on my lips pulling me closer until there was barely a gap. Her sharp inhale told me she wanted this as much as I did.
A loud ringing pulled me out of this trance. Our heads turned in the direction of the phone on the edge of the bed that flashed his name. For a few seconds, neither of us moved, breathed, or probably even thought. We just stared at the phone.
She broke first. Her arms dropped from around my neck, and she brushed past me, grabbing the phone and swiping to answer. “Hello.”
I left to give her some privacy, though she caught my attention before I went out of sight.
“Jax?” She held her hand over the receiver as I turned from outside our bedroom door. “I forgive you.” She smiled, and my heart swelled a touch before she returned to the call. Then she moved to close the door, and my heart shrank back down to size.
Chapter Fourteen
The phone ringing in my pocket startled me as I left Baker Contracts on my way to meet Cat. Large raindrops beat down as I attempted to open my umbrella while answering the call.
“Yeah?” I threw the phone to my ear.
“Elena?” Mama said. “Are you all right? Is it raining?”
“Hi, Mama. I can’t really talk right now.” I tried to brush her off as I hurried down the street, dodging puddles, already late. “Can I call you back later?”
“I’ve sent you a few links for properties in London. Affordable too and we will help with the deposit. Do you want a three- or four-bedroom house?”
“Mama, I’m not buying a house,” I replied sharply. “And I said I was only looking for something temporary until I figured things out.”
The moment I told Mama about my confused feelings for Jax, she encouraged me to take some space. After a long discussion with her last night, we agreed I should move out for a few weeks to clear my head. Something which I reinforced to her would be temporary. Honestly, I’d barely thought about moving out since our call, but from her tone, it was clear Mama had thought of nothing else.
“What’s to figure out?” she asked, a little agitated. “You’re seeing Tom tomorrow, aren’t you? I know he’s dying to get you back.”
Tom was travelling to London tomorrow for the weekend, and we had made arrangements to meet weeks ago.
“It’s more complicated, Mama.”
“But he’s Jamie’s father.” I found myself stumble as I tried to conjure an excuse.
“I know but—”
“Surely you would want to reconnect them. Do you want Jamie to grow up without a father?” I gulped, unsure as that disheartening thought played on my mind. “Do you want Tom to never know his son? Could you really live with yourself?”
“Tom broke up with me when I was pregnant,” I tried to argue.
“Is that what Jax told you?”
“No, Caterina told me that.”
“She never really liked him though, did she?” That was true. Would Cat have embellished the truth? “Even if he did, he was young. Everybody makes mistakes. He wants to be involved now, doesn’t that count for something?”
“It does count.” I found myself agreeing in a small voice. “And that’s why I’m still seeing him this weekend. Maybe he has changed.”
“I’m sure he has, bella.” Her voice turned almost elated. “And you can finally tell Tom you know about Jamie. You can both work out some kind of routine.” I sighed as she attempted to sway me.
“I don’t know about that, Mama. I haven’t spoken to Jax about it yet.”
“She’s not his mother. You’re his biological mother.”
I found myself wanting to argue, but the more she pushed, the more I found myself bending to her will. Like I had done all my life. “I know, Mama. It’s just hard. I don’t want to hurt her.”
“But you’re only going to hurt Jamie in the long run. Growing up without a father.”
Plenty of children grew up without a father, but did I want that for Jamie? The guilt of keeping him apart from his father coupled with my lingering feelings for Tom should be explored. At least, that was what I was telling myself. Though I knew for a fact that not everyone would accept it.
“I have to go, Mama. I’m late for a meeting,” I lied as I waved at Cat through the glass window of the café.
“Okay, but please think about what I said. You don’t want to have to live with disappointing your family.” Her tone darkened. “Ciao, bella.”
The thought of disappointing my parents caused my hands to tremble, though I blamed it on the cold weather. However, the temperature wouldn’t explain why the blood also drained from my face, and the overwhelming need to do whatever Mama wanted consumed me.
“I’m sorry I’m late.” I forced an upbeat tone as I neared Cat. “My meeting ran on, and I have to be back soon before another meeting starts,” I said as I removed my coat and scarf, throwing my drenched umbrella somewhere on the ground beside our table.
“No need to apologise.” Cat smiled as she took a sip of her latte. “You’re always late.” I faked a gasp of surprise, which only seemed to goad her, and I already felt my mood lighten. “Even when you’ve lost your mind, you still remember to be late. Which is why, as the delightful big sister I am, I took the liberty of ordering for you, knowing that you will have scheduled a meeting for directly after lunch.” She beamed at me as a chicken wrap and salad was placed in front of both of us.
“Thanks, Cat.” I smiled before starting to eat slowly, the thoug
ht of Mama’s disappointment having had a lasting effect on my appetite. “Well, we meet every other Thursday at this very spot. I’m surprised the staff don’t know our orders by now.”
“They do but politely pretend they don’t. It’s the ultimate British politeness that I love about London.”
“Still trying to talk Nick out of moving to Paris?” I tilted my head as she rolled her eyes. Nick had been travelling a lot to his law firm’s sister company in Paris, a company they wanted him to manage, but he couldn’t do that unless he moved, something Caterina was not happy about. “Is it better that he continues to travel every other week?” I asked, already knowing the answer.
“No, he works late when he’s here, and then he’s gone the other half of the week.” She frowned as she twisted her wedding band and stared at it bitterly. “When he’s here, we argue, and then he stays away longer because he doesn’t want to come back.”
“Did he say that?”
“No.” She huffed. “But it feels that way.” I nodded, trying to understand how difficult it must have been raising two children alone. “I hate that he’s missing things. Things with the girls that he can never get back. Like Abbey’s dance recital or Kate’s blue belt in taekwondo. You remember what it was like when Dad used to travel so much. He would come home for a few weeks and not even know what school year we were in.” I nodded as my mind drifted back. “I don’t want my girls to know what that’s like.”
That thought ignited my feelings of guilt when it came to Jamie’s life. It brought back exactly what Mama had said. Perhaps she was right: Tom deserved a place in Jamie’s life. I remembered the loneliness of barely seeing my father. I couldn’t imagine what it must feel like to not have a father at all.
“I just wish he would fight for us a little more.” She sat up straight and let out a long exhale. “Enough about my sad marriage. I want to know about you. It’s been a couple of weeks since we last spoke.” She cleared her throat, and her features seemed to harden as if I was about to be scolded. “How’s things?”
“Fine.”
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