Aurora

by Emma L. McGeown

  “Just fine?” The tone was neutral but with purpose, conjuring a tension.

  “Yeah, it’s fine. Nothing new to report.” I focused on my plate and changed the topic. “How’s work going? Did you sign that new author you wanted?”

  “Don’t change the subject,” she snapped. “Did something happen?”

  “No.” I pushed my plate away, my appetite disappearing.

  “What’s going on with you, Elena?” She squinted, studying me.

  “Nothing. Why are you asking so many questions?”

  “Because you’re not answering any of them.” She cocked her head.

  “Let’s be real, Cat. Why don’t you just ask whatever it is you really want to know? Rather than tiptoeing around me all the time.”

  Her nostrils flared as she let out a frustrated breath. I didn’t expect the conversation to take a turn like this, but if I was being honest, an unspoken tension had been brewing for weeks. Cat had become more invasive than usual. She must have known Tom was visiting this weekend. Why else would she be digging? Mama must have overshared.

  “Fine,” she said. “Why didn’t you tell me you’re talking to Tom again?”

  And there it was. “Why ask when you already know?”

  “Is that why you’re looking for a new apartment?” Her accusatory question threw me and caused a swirl of unease in my stomach. I looked at my half-eaten plate, trying to piece together an excuse. I’d never wanted her to find out through someone else, especially our mother.

  “I was just looking.”

  “Right. Where is it? The apartment you’re just looking at.” Her frosty expression told me an argument was brewing.

  “There’s a couple, but they’re a little bit farther out of town,” I said as I scrolled through my phone, not wanting to look at her. “It’s hard to afford rent by yourself.”

  “Where is it?”

  “North London, but still close enough that—”

  “Where?”

  “Luton.”

  “Luton!” The sound of her cutlery chiming off the plate pulled my gaze to her mask of horror. “That’s over an hour away. It’s basically Northampton.”

  “Don’t be dramatic. It’s still technically London, just more northern.”

  I told myself her response was an overreaction, even though deep down, the distance didn’t feel right to me either. I understood why my sister was upset, but I wasn’t planning on leaving for good. But, like Mama said, I couldn’t live with Jax any longer and explore things with Tom. How was I supposed to know what I really wanted when I was forcing myself into a mould that didn’t quite fit anymore? I wasn’t the same person I had been before the accident. What if there was something still there with Tom? These were the questions I needed to uncover, and I couldn’t do that living with Jax. It filled me with dread thinking about being that far from them, but that was exactly why I had to go.

  “What about work?”

  “It’s not that much farther than I already travel, and they said I can work from home a few days a week.”

  “What about Jamie? Are you really going to take him away from Jax?”

  “I haven’t figured it all out just yet.”

  “Why now? Why so far?”

  “It’s not that far,” I tried to argue. “Look, Luton is cheaper, quieter and—”

  “Closer to Tom,” she deadpanned. “You’re actually serious?”

  I should have been able to face my own sister, who I had always shared everything with, but I couldn’t even begin to explain the tornado of emotions swirling inside. She wouldn’t understand. She wasn’t broken like I was. As I drifted closer to Jax, the feeling of guilt and self-loathing grew, a reminder that my feelings were wrong. Why else would I have felt that shame for wanting to kiss Jax unless it was wrong? Everything would be easier if I was with Tom. I could hold his hand walking down the street without feeling under scrutiny. My son wouldn’t be bullied if I was normal. It was clearly what my parents wanted. Everyone would be better off, even Jax. She could find someone else who was actually brave enough to love her back.

  “It’s complicated.” I knew it was weak, but I had to at least try to be normal, even if it killed me. The pathetic response only caused more tension. “I just can’t stay there anymore.”

  “Well, neither can Jax. She couldn’t afford that place by herself.”

  “She can get another roommate.”

  “You’re not just a roommate!” Cat’s eyes were fiery. “That’s your wife.” My chest tightened, but I breathed through it, pushing down those feelings. “Don’t you get that? Can’t you see you’re making a mistake?”

  “You’re the only one who thinks that. Mama actually thinks—”

  “Oh, wake up, Elena!” The volume of her voice shocked me. I checked around to make sure we weren’t drawing too much attention, but there were a handful of spectators nearby. “Don’t you see what she’s doing? Our spiteful mama. That woman has got her claws firmly into you, her precious bella.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Oh my God, you literally can’t see what she’s doing. She’s pushing you toward him and away from your family.” There were tears in her eyes. Cat’s reaction caused my chest to ache, and deep down, I knew my mother was manipulating me like she always had, but I couldn’t stand disappointing them. Cat’s frustration was written across her face as she stared at me, enraged, as if she had no idea who I was. It hurt to see. “Other than our vindictive mother, who else knows about the move? Does Jax even know?” I avoided her gaze, though it only seemed to fuel her rage. “Don’t look away, enlighten me. Let me guess, the douchebag from up north is thrilled. He’s talked you into this, hasn’t he?”

  “This is exactly why I don’t talk to you about Tom.”

  “Because I’d tell you what a fucking idiot you’re being, Elena.”

  “I don’t have to listen to this.” I rifled through my bag, snatching some notes.

  Before I could put them on the table and walk out, she stood. “No, you know what? Keep your money. You’ll need it in Luton,” she spat as she handed the waiter a couple of bills before exiting the café.

  The rest of the day, I thought of nothing else. I knew Cat would never be on board with me meeting Tom again. It was precisely why I had kept her in the dark. I foolishly thought that if I could see Tom again without the pressure of anyone knowing, I could see how I felt. Maybe he had changed; perhaps he regretted how we left things. Wasn’t it worth at least exploring our relationship? For Jamie’s sake if nothing else. Then if I discovered I didn’t have those feelings for Tom anymore, I could finally put it to rest and move on.

  Later, I found myself on the tube on the way home from work as I replayed my argument with Cat. It repeated like a broken record until I felt my eyes start to close over, exhausted from the day.

  Craning my head to the left and rolling it around to the right again allowed my muscles to contract, offering some respite from the long day at work. Dealing with invoicing, data analytics, and general incompetence left me feeling ten years older. After kicking off my heels, I reached around to unzip my fitted dress, but the clasp was caught. With a groan, I tried reaching again with the other hand but failed miserably.

  “Need a hand?” A voice behind me gave me a startle. “Here, let me.”

  Their hot breath on my shoulder caused me to relax, and I felt the zip slide effortlessly down my back, halting at the base of my spine. Feeling free of the tight fabric, I let out a long, exasperated sigh as I felt warm, soft hands caress my hips and waist. The same hands roamed the length of my back, feeling every curve on their journey. The softness in his touch evoked a low moan as my head eased back slightly, resting on his chest.

  “You’re so tense,” Tom whispered in my ear as he massaged my shoulders.

  His working hands resulted in the perfect combination of pressure, comfort, and ease, rousing a heat in my core as I relaxed onto his front. My eyes closed, and I felt mysel
f enjoy the sensual sensation. A soft kiss to my neck only caused my breathing to accelerate. The hands continued to work on my shoulders, drawing another low moan from me before he removed the capped sleeves. The dress breezed down my arms and puddled around my feet as a trail of kisses laced my neck.

  “You smell so good,” he whispered as his hands dragged up and down my sides, causing a fever across my skin.

  My bra was removed in record time while hands travelled south and teased along the waistband of my underwear. I became impatient, my ragged breaths filling the silence. Sensing my arousal, the same hand which had contributed to my frustration plunged underneath my underwear and between my legs. The circular motion was agonisingly slow at first as I rocked my hips into the crotch behind me.

  “You feel so good,” she said huskily. It wasn’t Tom.

  When I spun to face her, Jax’s lips were on mine instantly. The connection caused her to moan as I crashed my almost naked body into hers. I unbuttoned her shirt clumsily while our kissing grew hungry. Her hand continued to expertly draw pleasure from me, and I found myself gasping for air, resting my forehead on hers.

  She pulled away from me, taking a step back. Swollen lips, untamed hair, and lust in her eyes caused a rush between my legs, and I needed to kiss her again.

  “Wait!” She stopped me. “What are you doing?” The glint in her eyes was gone as she stared at me coldly.

  “I…” I realised just how vulnerable I was, practically naked. “I’m…I don’t know what happened.”

  “You kissed me,” she blasted, almost blamed. The reversal of circumstances alarmed me. Nothing short of blind terror and fear pulsed through my veins. “Are you gay?”

  “What? No.”

  “You’re disgusting.” Voices surrounded me as my bedroom walls began to crash around us. “What’s wrong with you?” A sea of voices taunted me, and to add to the torture, Jax had disappeared, leaving me alone to face judgement. “You’re a sinner. Disgusting! There is something very wrong with you.” My vision blurred, and all I could hear was a string of allegations and hurtful slurs.

  My eyes shot open, and a teenage girl with oversized headphones stared at me as if I was a lunatic. The screeching tube tracks of the underground must have woken me. The young girl seated opposite gave a strange look, prompting me to exit the tube a stop early. The horrific dream replayed continually on my longer-than-usual walk home. However, the fresh air helped ease my temperature and nausea. The fabric of my grey dress felt suffocating and itchy as I struggled to shake the remnants of the nightmare.

  I entered the apartment, expecting to find it empty, but I was mistaken.

  “Hello, love.” Bridget, Jax’s mother, smiled from the kitchen as she poured hot water into a mug. “How was work? Would you like a cuppa?”

  “Think I could do with something a little stronger,” I said before kicking off my heels and removing my coat, which was still wet from getting caught in the rain earlier today.

  “I’m sure we can arrange that,” she replied, rifling through the fridge. I stretched my arms and moved into the living room just as Jamie bounded from his bedroom, crashing into me.

  “You’re home!” He hugged my waist, and I felt the hard shell I’d created around myself melt. His smile was so wide, it caused his green eyes to crease and almost disappear. I ran my hand through his hair lazily. “Grandma said I can play motorcars. Will you play too?”

  “Sure. I’ll even beat you this time. You go set it up.” He gave an excited fist pump before running into his bedroom to set up the game.

  As I turned, Bridget sat at the round dining table with two clear fizzy drinks. She smiled before pulling out a chair for me to sit. Though I had been around Jax’s mother a couple of times, we hadn’t spoken at any great length. Usually, she left once I got home, but today she seemed keen to stick around. I pulled up a seat and took a gulp of the drink, which turned out to be mainly gin with a splash of tonic, resulting in a coughing fit.

  “That’s a real drink,” she said happily. “The kind that almost kills you.” I offered a weak smile and rotated the glass in my hands. “Rough day?”

  “Just long,” I said in a voice that didn’t sound like my own, devoid of energy and a little lost. “Back-to-back meetings, and then, I had an awful argument with my sister at lunch. It’s just not been a good day.” I trailed off, not wanting to get into what happened.

  “Sisters fight all the time. I nearly murdered my sister once. I’m sure it wasn’t as bad as you think.”

  “It was pretty bad,” I replied, getting lost in my thoughts. All I felt was hopelessness and confusion about my life. I was torn. My feelings for Jax were complex. I couldn’t deny the connection to her, but I was struggling to accept it. I hadn’t allowed myself to have feelings for another woman since I was a teenager, and look how that turned out.

  I’d spent years hating myself. Men were just easier, in every way, and it wasn’t like I didn’t enjoy being with them. My feelings for Jax felt as if they emerged overnight, whereas with Tom, we shared this long history. We had a son together, as Mama said. That was surely grounds to explore things further. I couldn’t deny the passion and attraction either; he was the last person I remembered being intimate with. I wished I had more time to figure things out, but the reality was, Tom was coming to town tomorrow, and I had agreed to see him.

  Bridget watched me until it seemed she’d had enough. “You know, Elena, maybe it’s not my place, but do you want my opinion?” she asked rhetorically because she was going to say what she wanted regardless. “You don’t seem like yourself.” Her words caused a wave of guilt. “And I’m not talking about today. You were always such a smiley girl. Happy.” Tears rushed to my eyes. “I always loved that about you. I don’t remember ever seeing a frown on your face. Well, I guess that was before.”

  A feeling of failure washed over me. “I’m different, aren’t I?” I asked, my voice small as she sadly nodded. “Was I happy? Before?” My voice cracked, and my vision blurred as I met her caring eyes.

  “Oh, immensely.”

  “I don’t know why I can’t…” I trailed off, trying not to break down in front of someone I barely knew. “I don’t remember who I was, but she sounded pretty great.” She looked at me thoughtfully but showed no judgement. “No one has said it, but I can see the way they all look at me. Like I should be someone else. Someone better, braver maybe, happier.”

  “What are you afraid of?”

  My lip began to quiver, and tears started to fall. “That I’m never going to be that person again. That I’m disappointing everyone.”

  Keys twisting in the lock interrupted us, and I shifted my back to the door, shielding the upset on my face. I knew who it was, but I couldn’t face her, not in this state. Bridget came to my rescue, greeting Jax instead, but not before she squeezed my shoulder and whispered, “You’ll be okay.”

  The words helped me compose myself enough to reach my bedroom before I broke down any further.

  * * *

  Jax

  I welcomed Mum into a hug, searching over her shoulder to witness Elena retreat to her room. The way she rushed off, her hand on her cheek, had me thinking the worst.

  Mum caught my eye. “She just needs a minute. Long day is all.”

  “Is she okay? Did she say something to you?” I asked unable to hide my concern. “Should I go speak to her?”

  “I think it’s best to give her some space, love.” She rubbed my arm soothingly before she pointed to Jamie’s bedroom. “He’s in his room, homework is finished, and I gave him his dinner.”

  “Thanks, Mum.” I sighed contentedly, tired from a day of surgeries. “What would I do without you?”

  “Probably starve,” she said before reaching for her coat. “When was the last time you went grocery shopping, huh?” I pecked her on the cheek as she lifted her handbag. “I left half a lasagne in the fridge for your tea, and don’t bother calling me this evening.”

  “Why not?�
� I asked as she gave me a shrug, but the smile on her lips piqued my curiosity. “What are you up to? Wait, do you have another date with Trevor?”

  “It’s not a date. Christ, Keelin, at my age, I’ll be lucky if he doesn’t keel over during dessert.” But her face told me she didn’t mind the attention.

  “I’ll not bother you then on your not-date,” I teased before saying my good-byes.

  Sometime later in the evening, I read Jamie’s favourite bedtime book. I turned to the next page, which I could have recited from memory, only to glance over and find him peacefully asleep. I slowly got up and switched off the light, tiptoeing into the living room and closing his door behind me.

  “Was it The Tiger Who Came for Tea or The Hungry Caterpillar tonight?” Elena asked from the kitchen as she filled a glass of water from the tap.

  “The tiger,” I said.

  She shook her head. “I could have bet money it was going to be the caterpillar. There’s always tomorrow.” She glided toward the bedroom, wearing her short dressing gown and revealing toned calves that I couldn’t help but take in. She had stayed in her bedroom all evening, while I had been gathering the courage to speak to her, and this was probably my last chance.

  “How was your day?” I asked, chickening out from what was really on my mind.

  “Shitty, if I’m honest.” She stopped and looked at me, and I registered her worn-out features. Her green eyes looked almost grey and dull with puffy red eyelids, evidence of crying. Her hair was pulled back into a messy bun, though strands had escaped, and the oversized T-shirt told me all she needed was comfort this evening. How I wished more than anything I could provide that comfort for her.

  “You can talk to me about it, if you want.”

  Her hesitance made it obvious I was the last person she wanted to speak to. “It’s okay, but thanks.”

  Watching her walk away prompted some newfound bravery to emerge. “Are you free tomorrow night?” I blurted, and I held my breath in anticipation. She stopped when she reached the bedroom door and turned back to me, curiosity etched on her features. “I was just wondering if you wanted to do something? Get a drink? Dinner or whatever you want?” She looked at me as if intrigued but remained speechless, which only caused me to continue rambling. “I’m off work, you see, and that doesn’t happen very often. Greg said he can watch Jamie, so I just thought, I don’t know, maybe we could go out. Together.”