As I make my way back up to his mouth, he turns his head and lets out a jaw-cracking yawn.
“Sorry, that’s not sexy,” he apologizes with a chuckle.
“You’re fine. Are you tired?”
“I haven’t gotten much sleep this week. I’ve been up late studying every night.” He yawns again.
“You should get some sleep.” I give him a peck on the forehead and roll off him.
“No, wait,” he protests, reaching for me.
“You need a good night’s sleep,” I tell him, noticing for the first time the dark circles under his eyes.
“I don’t want you to leave yet.”
Longing wars with reason. The thought of staying, of falling asleep with Elijah in my arms and waking up next to him sounds nice…too nice. The lines are blurring rapidly, and I’m certain I’m running out of time to correct course before we go off the rails.
“Just a little while,” I compromise, and his face lights up with a wide smile.
“Thank you.” He gets up and wiggles out of his jeans, tossing them into the nearby hamper. He takes off his glasses and sets them on the nightstand before finally peeling back the blanket and climbing back into bed. I stay dressed, lying on top of the blankets, but I do open my arms so he can scoot back against me, my body curled around his. He lets out a contented sigh, his whole body relaxing into mine.
“Sleep well, Nerdlet,” I murmur, pressing my lips to the back of his neck. He sighs happily, and within five minutes he’s fast asleep.
His back rises and falls steadily against my chest with each even breath he takes. I brush his curls off his forehead and drink in the peace of watching him sleep, my chest doing that funny, warm thing again that’s getting difficult to ignore.
I reach into my pocket and pull out my phone, typing a message to Bishop, because he’s the only one I can imagine not laughing at me for what I’m about to ask.
Pax: What does it mean if you go over to your fuck buddy’s house and spend the night working side by side and then instead of having sex you just hold him while he sleeps?
Bishop: You want an honest answer to that?
Pax: I think so. I’ve been avoiding asking myself this question, and I’m not sure I can run from it much longer.
Pax: I knew he had to study tonight, and I wanted to see him even if it meant we wouldn’t have sex. I just wanted to BE with him.
Bishop: I think it means you’re in love with him
Pax: Yeah, that’s what I was afraid of
Chapter 26
Elijah
There is no darkness, only absence of light. And I’m starting to think there is no loneliness, only absence of Pax. For me, anyway. He’s been avoiding me since the night he suggested I come to the Reynolds’ for Christmas. He’s responded to my texts but only with short, one-word answers. There haven’t been any flirting or silly comments, and he hasn’t come over or asked to hang out.
My phone vibrates, and I nearly break my neck diving for it.
Pax: Don’t forget, our flight is at 7am tomorrow. I’ll be over to pick you up at 5:30
Elijah: You still want me to come for Xmas? I wasn’t sure
Did that sound snotty? Did I mean it to? Maybe he hasn’t meant anything by his absence; I’m sure the end of the year is busy for him with work. Even if he’s not all that busy, he doesn’t owe me any kind of explanation.
Pax: Why wouldn’t I?
Elijah: You tell me.
Okay, that definitely sounded snarky.
Elijah: I haven’t seen you in two weeks.
Great, that sounds needy instead. Kill me
Elijah: Is it because I fell asleep?
I officially need to be banned from texting for the rest of eternity.
Pax: You had finals. I had deals to wrap up before the end of the year. Don’t overthink it
Is he right? Have I been driving myself crazy overthinking things when everything is fine between us?
Elijah: Ok, yeah, I’ll be ready when you get here in the morning
Pax: Good. Get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning
I don’t sleep. I toss and turn all night, going over every second of our last interaction, trying to figure out where I might’ve gone wrong. By the time the sun starts to peek through my curtains, my eyes feel like sandpaper, and I still don’t have any new answers for myself.
I drag myself out of bed and make some coffee, going through the motions of getting dressed like a zombie.
At five thirty on the dot, Pax texts me to let me know he’s waiting outside, and I grab my duffle bag full of clothes and head down to meet him. On my way down the steps, I give myself a pep talk about not freaking out if he’s as cold and distant in person as he has been via text. I can be aloof too. I totally can.
I toss my bag in the backseat and then slide into the passenger side, my resolve to be cool and detached as strong as steel. And then, Pax turns to me with a crooked smile.
“Hey, Nerdlet,” he says in a low, smooth voice, leaning over and brushing a kiss against my cheek.
“Hey,” I breathe out in a shaky voice. So much for cool and detached.
The flight home feels long and is just turbulent enough to leave me airsick by the time we land.
Theo picks us up from the airport since his flight got in yesterday. The hug he gives me as soon as we reach each other is exactly what I needed. It’s a reminder that whatever happens with Pax, I’ll still have my best friend…as long as he doesn’t find out what I’m doing.
Pax
The sound of Elijah’s laugh from across the room draws my attention. He’s on the couch with Theo, both of them laughing and smiling. To anyone else I’m sure he looks exactly like he always has—a little nerdy, a bit shy, cute as hell. The air of innocence about him as he brushes his curls off his forehead and wrinkles his nose at something my brother says hits me square in the chest.
I’ve been avoiding him like a dipshit for two weeks, and it’s been the longest two weeks of my life.
I pull out my phone and type a quick message.
Pax: You know, you’ve got this cute, innocent vibe going, and now that I know that’s a total lie, it kind of gets me weak as fuck
I watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone to read the message I sent. The blush that spreads over his cheeks gets my dick hard, which is a bit awkward considering we’re in the living room with my entire family. Elijah glances up, and our eyes meet for a fraction of a second, but it’s a second I think I could live in for the rest of my life, and that scares the hell out of me. I tear my eyes away from his and swallow hard as my heart attempts to beat right through my chest. The walls feel like they’re closing in around me, and I can’t drag in a proper breath.
“Are you okay, sweetie?” my mom asks, putting a hand on my shoulder, which only serves to make me feel more claustrophobic.
“I’m fine, just need a little air.” I set down my glass of eggnog and stand up. I can feel Elijah’s eyes on me as I flee from the living room like a rat from a sinking ship, but I don’t let myself look back.
I slip on my shoes and step out onto the icy porch. Goddamn, do I miss California right now. I shove my hands into my pockets and hunch my shoulders against the cold. It’s not just the weather I miss: everything feels simpler when we’re there. Our casual relationship has been working out great, so why the hell do I want things with him that have absolutely nothing to do with sex?
The door opens behind me, and I hold my breath, hoping it’s Elijah and hoping it’s not Elijah at the same time. My head is too fucked up right now, but all I want to do is kiss him and hope it sets the world right on its axis again.
“You okay?” Theo asks.
I don’t turn to look at him. I just look out over the pristine blanket of snow covering the front yard.
“I’m fine,” I lie.
We stand in silence for a few minutes, the cold nipping at my face and freezing me through to my bones.
�
�Are you fucking him?” my brother asks bluntly, catching me completely off guard. I finally do glance over at him and see worry and maybe a hint of pain in his expression. I want to lie; Elijah and I agreed no one needed to know about whatever it is we’re doing. Theo wanted to rip the head off whoever he thought was taking advantage of his best friend; how’s he going to feel knowing it’s me? But the longer I look at him, the more sure I am I can’t lie to him.
“Yeah.”
His jaw ticks, and his eyes darken. I wonder for a second if he’s going to haul off and hit me. I wouldn’t blame him if he did.
“You are such a fucking asshole,” he mutters, shaking his head.
“I know,” I agree.
“I’d tell you to stay the hell away from him, but the way he lit up when he got that text from you a few minutes ago, I know it’s already way too late for that.” He sighs and shakes his head again. “I swear to god if you break his heart, I will fucking kill you.”
“I know,” I say again.
“He’s too good for you,” he adds.
“I know,” I reply for the third time.
The door opens again, and Elijah peeks his head out. My frozen body heats at the sight of him, and I know Theo’s right: it’s too late to get out of this without things getting messy. I fucked up.
“It’s freezing out; you guys should come inside before you get frostbite. Also, your mom says dinner is in five minutes.”
After dinner, I head up to my bedroom to get a little more space and to try to get my head clear. It feels strange being back here. It’s like a time capsule of my youth, nothing out of place since the day I left for college. I wander around the room, picking up random items off the shelves and running my hands over the books stacked there.
“Did I do something?”
I whip my head around at the sound of Elijah’s voice to find him standing in the doorway of my childhood bedroom. I set down the Walkman and turn to face him.
“Oh, Einstein,” I sigh, waving him in. He steps inside and closes the door behind him. “You didn’t do anything. It’s all me.”
“So, it’s not me, it’s you?” he asks skeptically.
“It honestly is,” I assure him.
“Do you maybe want to tell me exactly what it is?” He bites his bottom lip and steps farther into the room, uncertainty in his expression.
My stomach squirms, and my pulse thunders in my ears. My tongue feels too big for my mouth, words nowhere to be found. I think Bishop was right. Here I thought Elijah might not be able to keep things casual, and I’m the one who went and fell in love.
He closes the distance between us until we’re chest to chest, his face tilted up toward mine.
“Or,” he says, putting his hands on my chest. “We can not talk about it.”
A relieved breath whooshes out of my lungs, and I wrap my arms around Elijah’s waist. “I’m pretty good at not talking.”
He chuckles, pressing a kiss to my chin and then another square on my lips. My heart gives a flip, and I tighten my arms around him.
“Hey, Pax.” Theo bangs on my door. “Have you seen Elijah?” I grit my teeth. I know exactly what he’s doing, but I’m not going to call him out on it in front of Elijah.
“Nope,” I call out, and Elijah stifles a laugh against my chest.
“If you see him, tell him I have Christmas Vacation ready to go and popcorn in the microwave.”
“Will do,” I answer. I listen as his footsteps disappear down the hall.
Elijah sighs and sags against me for a second.
“I should get down there. I promised him we’d do a Christmas movie marathon.”
“All right, let’s do it,” I agree, pressing a kiss to the top of his head before releasing him from my grasp.
*****
Lying on my back in the dark of my childhood bedroom, my thoughts chase each other around like greyhounds on speed. My conversation with Theo earlier plays on repeat, along with the feelings that swamped me when I looked at Elijah earlier.
There’s a light tap on the door that jolts my heart. It could only be one person coming to see me at this time of night, and I consider staying quiet, feigning sleep. But when the door creaks open, the only action that makes sense to my brain is to lift the corner of my blankets to welcome him to me. He shuts the door quietly behind him, a soft click of the lock sounding like thunder in the otherwise silent house. And then he tiptoes across the room to climb in beside me.
His body is warm as he shifts around under the covers, trying to make himself comfortable.
“Is this okay?” he asks in a whisper, and I nod, turning my head and capturing his lips in a brief kiss. My heart gives another one of those damn flutters. There’s no denying that I’m head over heels in love with him. Which means it’s time to call things off. They’ve already gone on too long; I think we both know that.
“I was lying in bed thinking about that thing you do with your tongue,” he murmurs, pressing closer to me so I can feel his hot, hard cock against my thigh through his pajama pants. “And then I thought, what am I doing in here all horny and alone when Pax is right across the hall?”
I groan quietly, capturing his lips again because I can’t help myself. I can’t break things off on Christmas anyway. It can wait another week. Another week won’t hurt anything.
“Oh yeah, the thing with my tongue? You may have to remind me exactly what that is, because I’m drawing a blank,” I tease in a husky tone.
“You’re so mean,” he complains, thrusting against my thigh, his cock flexing.
I drag my hand down his back until I reach his ass, cupping the cheek as I roll onto my side to face him, drawing his entire body closer. “Tell me the thing you like,” I demand in a deep rumble.
A breathless sound escapes his throat, settling deep and lighting a fire inside me.
“The thing where you shove your tongue inside me and lick me open so I can…so I can take your cock,” he pants, his hips twitching again seemingly involuntarily. “I love the feeling of your fingers digging into my butt cheeks when you spread them open to lick me. I…god, Pax, I want it so bad.”
“You know I’ll always give you what you need,” I murmur, nuzzling his throat. “Climb up on my face so I can lick you.”
“Sit on your face?” he repeats. “What if I suffocate you?”
“Nerdlet, you weigh next to nothing. If you’re suffocating me, I can move you off my face.”
“Okay, yeah, that sounds kind of hot.”
He slips his hands under the covers and wiggles out of his pants, tossing them onto the floor next to the bed. His shirt goes next, joining his pants on the floor. I follow suit, stripping down and chucking my clothes onto the floor. I scoot down the bed a little so Elijah has plenty of space, and then he awkwardly shuffles into position, kneeling over me with his hands braced on the headboard.
I groan, turning my head to one side and sucking a bruise onto the inside of his thigh.
He gasps, widening his legs to bring himself closer to my face, his balls swaying a few inches from my mouth. I drag my tongue along one, and then the other, feeling them tighten against my tongue as I do.
Grabbing onto his firm, round ass cheeks, I push him forward an inch so I can snake my tongue between his cheeks, teasing the rough, textured skin of his entrance. He moans quietly, the faintest sound bouncing off the walls of the bedroom.
I lap at his hole, feeling it soften against my tongue with each stroke. When I work my tongue inside, he cries out.
“Shh,” I murmur before licking him again.
“Sorry,” he gasps. “Feels so good.”
I hum, flicking the tip of my tongue along his rim and then shoving it all the way inside again, opening him for my cock.
Elijah makes muffled noises as his hips start to twitch, grinding himself against my face, taking what he needs from me. So. Fucking. Hot.
I lick him deeper, fucking him with my tongue until he’s soft and ready for me. Then
, I put my hands on his hips and lift him off my face.
He makes a disgruntled sound in the back of his throat, and I chuckle.
“Shh,” I say again. “I’ve got something else for you,” I assure him with a smirk as I move him down my body and deposit him over my aching erection.
“Yes,” he gasps, catching on to where this is going.
I hold my cock steady by the base, and Elijah sinks down onto it at a glacially slow pace, engulfing me half an inch at a time until I’m sure I’ll go insane from waiting. When his ass rests against my thighs, his cock pressed against my stomach, I wrap my arms around him, running my hands up and down his spine. He dips his head and buries his face in the crook of my neck, holding his body still as he clenches and unclenches himself around my cock, quiet gasps puffing hot breath against my skin.
He circles his hips slowly, riding my cock like he has all the time in the world. He throws his head back in the moonlight, his face the exquisite combination of pleasure and pain as he bites down on his bottom lip, his eyebrows pulled together like he can’t believe anything could feel this good.
Our orgasms roll over us in more of a surprise wave than an explosion, going on and on as we continue to rock together, sharing breath and dragging our mouths against each other’s in the best approximation of a kiss we can manage as pleasure drags us under.
I hold him close, staying inside of him as long as I can manage before my softening cock slips out. Then, I roll him onto the bed and press a kiss to his temple.
“There’s this idea in string theory that there are infinite parallel universes with infinite possibilities,” he says, settling closer to me, his soft cock, still wet with his cum, pressing against my thigh as he hitches a leg over mine and nestles his head onto my chest. He lets out a content sigh, his whole body relaxing into me. “I hope we’re doing this in every single one of them.”
“I love you.” The rogue words roll off my tongue, never bothering to check with my brain before leaping into existence. Elijah stiffens in my arms for a second, even his breath stilling. My heart gallops in my chest, waiting for his response, but wholly unprepared at the same time.
Rocket Science Page 18