Pillar of Light

by Gerald N. Lund

  “Oh, I don’t mind,” someone called out. “It might drown the lice, bedbugs, and other creatures which seem to have taken residence with my family.”

  There was general laughter all around, Brigham included. Joshua smiled. Breaking out of the never-ending morass of mud had done wonders for their spirits. They were energetic, happy, and almost playful. He thought about that. They hadn’t felt playful for a long time.

  Brigham continued. “We now estimate that we are no more than thirty miles from the Missouri River. We hope to reach it by Saturday or Sunday. There we shall stop for a while so that we can establish another settlement for our people.”

  That brought nods of approval and a lot of excited comments. For many, the Missouri would be their stopping place until spring.

  “And since we are making such good progress, the brethren and I feel to make another announcement. We don’t have all of Brother Pitt’s brass band with us—Brother Clayton being one of those not present—but Brother Heber assures me that we have enough to hold a concert and dance tonight.”

  The men erupted with applause and cries of approval.

  Brigham nodded in satisfaction. This was exactly why it was needed. “We shall build a bonfire over in the meadow, and we shall commence festivities promptly at eight o’clock.”

  Caroline’s cheeks were flushed with excitement. She reached out and grabbed Joshua’s hand. “Come dance with me, Joshua.”

  He looked momentarily startled.

  “Come on,” she pleaded. “Please, Joshua.”

  He glanced at Nathan and Lydia with a forlorn look of surrender and allowed himself to be towed off. It wasn’t much of a band, not considering what they had enjoyed during the first part of the journey, but no one cared. In William Clayton’s absence, someone else played the violin. There were two clarinets, two flutes, three trumpets, a trombone, a drum, and someone had dragged out a set of sleigh bells to provide a different touch.

  It was enough. The band played several marches and a rousing version of “The Upper California” to enthusiastic applause, then moved away from the center of the meadow so that there was room for dancing. It started with a grand cotillion, but from then on there were none of the more sedate dances—minuets or waltzes or stately quadrilles. This was a celebration of spirit, and the people were filled with exuberance. The violin became a fiddle, with the brass following along. They went through such dances as the Fox-Chase Inn, Gardens of Gray’s Ferry, the Copenhagen Jig, and some French Fours.

  As Caroline pulled Joshua forward, the band struck up the Virginia Reel. The people formed quickly into squares, with Joshua and Caroline joining Derek and Rebecca, Matthew and Jenny, and young Josh and his grandmother.

  “I should make you take me in there too,” Lydia said wistfully from the sidelines.

  Nathan nodded, knowing that that wasn’t a criticism of him but an admission of how tired she was. It was almost ten o’clock now, and they would have to return soon so she could feed Tricia. The past week they had pushed hard every day and it showed on her. Even though the baby was two months old now, Lydia was still not back to her full strength.

  “Are you ready to start back?” he asked.

  “Not yet.” She was swaying to the music, and he saw her skirt moving where she was tapping her foot.

  “This is a great thing for the camp,” he observed.

  “Yes. It does wonders for the spirit.” Then she smiled. “Look at them, Nathan. Look at Joshua. You would think he was ten years younger to watch him right now.”

  “Yes. He certainly can surprise you, can’t he?”

  She turned to him. “Has he said anything more to you about what’s going on in his mind?”

  His mouth turned down. “Not a word.”

  “No more questions?”

  “Not since we left Mount Pisgah. Not that we’ve had a lot of time to sit around and talk.”

  “Caroline told me he finished the Book of Mormon the other night.”

  “Really? Good for him. So does he talk with her about it?”

  “Some, but not much,” she replied, openly showing her discouragement. “Caroline is trying to convince him he needs to pray about it.”

  “I don’t know why that is such a problem for him,” Nathan mused. “It’s almost like he’s afraid he might actually get an answer and have to commit himself.” He turned to watch the dancers, picking Joshua out quickly. He was fully into it now, any semblance of the reluctant partner completely gone. He spun Caroline around, then took her hand and ducked beneath it. He was thoroughly enjoying himself and Caroline was responding with great enthusiasm, laughing like a young girl. Was this the same man who had been dragged out to participate?

  “Do you think he will make it, Nathan?”

  Nathan turned to her. His face was solemn as he thought about that. Finally, he shrugged. “I don’t know. There’s something inside him that’s like a big granite boulder standing in his way. On some days he goes after it with hammer and chisel. Then other times it’s like he looks at the rock and says, ‘Is it really worth what it’s going to take to move that out of here?’ ”

  Her head went up and down slowly as she watched him dancing.

  “Out here is not the best place to try and think things through,” he went on. “There are too many things to occupy your mind. Maybe once we get to the valley and things settle down to normal again, maybe then he’ll finally make the choice.”

  She tipped her head back and closed her eyes. “Mmm, the valley. I like the sound of that. If it’s as beautiful as Brigham says, it will be wonderful.”

  “Sometimes it seems like only a dream,” he said, suddenly discouraged. It was still so far away, both in time and distance. If he left his family at the Missouri and went on with the vanguard company, that was going to be difficult. The whole thing just felt so overwhelming now.

  Seeing his face, she came over to him and took his arm. “Come on, Mr. Steed. I think I have one more dance left in me. How about you?”

  “I think I just might,” he said, bringing up a smile. “Let’s go show these youngsters of ours just what their mama and papa are capable of.”

  The dancing didn’t stop until just after eleven o’clock, when a laughing Brigham Young overrode the protests and reminded them that there was another day of work awaiting them on the morrow. He called for prayer and in a moment the camp was quiet. When it was done, the people began to disperse and return to their wagons and tents, talking happily.

  “Thank you, Joshua,” Caroline said, taking his arm and leaning against him as they walked. “That was wonderful.”

  “No, thank you, Caroline. That was enough to lift a man’s soul tonight.”

  “Joshua!”

  Joshua stopped at the sound of a man’s voice and turned around.

  Brigham Young was with Heber Kimball and Willard Richards. The senior Apostle waved his hand toward Joshua and Caroline. “Hold on a moment.” He said a few more words to his brethren, then strode over to them. “Mind if I walk with you for a moment?”

  “Of course not, President,” Caroline said. “It’s our pleasure.”

  “Glad for the company,” Joshua agreed.

  He fell into step beside them and walked slowly along. Joshua and Caroline had set a path back toward their encampment. Brigham’s wagons were in a different direction, but that didn’t seem to be on his mind at the moment. He looked up. Above them the sky was stunning. There was not a cloud and as yet no moon. It was as though they were under a thick canopy of branches, with every leaf a sparkling diamond of light.

  “Isn’t that something?” he breathed.

  They both looked up. “It’s beautiful,” Caroline said in a half whisper. Joshua merely nodded.

  “Hard to believe that that all happened by accident, isn’t it?”

  Joshua looked at him sharply. It was said as casually as if he were commenting on tomorrow’s weather, but Joshua suspected the comment was aimed directly at him.

 
Caroline, also sensing that something had just happened, did not speak. She left it for Joshua. He had no choice but to answer. “It is enough to overwhelm a man,” he said cautiously.

  “Is it?” Brigham asked casually. “Are you overwhelmed, Joshua?”

  Joshua’s head came around. There was no mistaking the challenge. He was instantly on the defensive, but the glow of the evening was still on him and so he decided to let it pass.

  Brigham laughed heartily and clapped him on the shoulder. “Sorry. My wife tells me I’ve got to learn to be a little more circumspect, not quite so brash and direct.”

  “I’ve never complained about directness,” Joshua said, choosing his words carefully so as not to step off into an area where he didn’t want to go.

  “Good! So let me be direct. It’s too late in the evening to chase each other around the gooseberry bush any longer.”

  Joshua stopped, now stiff and wary. Caroline, who was holding on to his arm, stopped with him. He could feel her grip on him tighten and he sensed her sudden tension.

  Brigham went on a couple of steps before he too stopped and turned. “Are you still reading that Book of Mormon?” he asked suddenly.

  Joshua’s jaw dropped, then instantly tightened into a hard line. He looked down at Caroline, glaring.

  Brigham leaned in, his own jawline looking a bit like a bulldog’s. “Now, don’t you be giving your wife a look like that. She hasn’t said a word to me about this.”

  Caroline was as amazed as her husband. “I haven’t, Joshua. I told you I wouldn’t tell anyone unless you said I could.”

  He swung back on the Apostle. “Then how did you know? Was it Nathan?”

  “So he knows too? I was wondering about that. That’s good. He’s probably been getting in a few good licks on you, hasn’t he?”

  “How did you know?” Joshua asked again, openly irritated now.

  “I was passing by one day back in Mount Pisgah while you were splitting logs. Nathan was off in the trees somewhere. I saw that you were reading something. I couldn’t tell for sure what it was, but it sure looked like a Book of Mormon to me.” He grinned suddenly. “I was taking a shot in the dark just now by guessing that that was what you were doing, but as they say, ‘Only the hit bird flutters.’ ”

  “It’s Lydia’s book,” Caroline said, realizing even as she said it that who owned the book was not very relevant at the moment.

  Now Brigham stepped forward and thrust his face close to Joshua’s. “I’m not going to be asking you any questions about what you believe and don’t believe, Joshua. That’s your affair. The fact that there’s been no announcement about your impending baptism would tell me you’re still not where you ought to be.”

  “I’m not where you think I ought to be,” he said shortly.

  Brigham ignored the correction. “So, here’s what I’ve got to say. I’ll say it, and if it offends you, then you can come duke it out with me in the morning. But it needs to be said.”

  Caroline gasped softly. This wasn’t just directness. It was a full-scale frontal attack. She held her breath, expecting an explosion from Joshua any moment.

  Joshua didn’t flinch. “Say what you’ve got to say, Brother Brigham,” he murmured.

  Brigham’s face softened now, and it was clear that what lay behind his directness was genuine concern. “I’ve just got one question for you, Joshua. Something I’d like you to think about. If I’m off the mark, then I’ll apologize later.”

  “What is it?”

  “It is simply this. Why is it, Joshua Steed, that you ask more of the Lord than you do of your business partners?”

  Joshua looked at him blankly for a moment. “What?”

  “You heard me. Why have you set a double standard here?”

  “A double standard? I don’t get your meaning.”

  “When you went into business with your various ventures, was there any risk involved?”

  “Sure. There’s risk with every venture.”

  “Of course there is. So why did you go ahead? Did you insist on having every possible question answered, every possible drawback resolved, before you were willing to commit yourself?”

  Joshua felt as if he had just been shoved up against a stone wall. “Well, I—”

  Brigham went on, quiet now, but very much in earnest. “Did you require a guarantee that every cotton crop would come in at full production? that no ship would ever be lost at sea? that the cotton market would always be strong when it was time to sell?”

  Caroline had stepped away from Joshua a little, trying to see his face in the darkness. His head was still up, but she could tell he was being pummeled.

  “Well, if none of that, then why are you being so confounded demanding of the Lord? No earthly partner would give you the kind of guarantees you’re looking for here.”

  “I—” He stopped, then started again. “I don’t see it quite that way, President. I—”

  “I know you don’t. But you think about it. You ask yourself if that’s not your problem. Knowing you, I think you want every part of the ‘deal’ inked and guaranteed, every t crossed and every comma put in place. And what I’m saying is, that’s asking more of the Lord than you would ask of a business partner.”

  He straightened, smiling now. “Well, that’s about enough damage for one night,” he said. He laid a hand on Joshua’s shoulder. “The Lord wants you in the kingdom, Joshua Steed. Of that I have no doubt. So don’t make it too difficult for him to bring you in, all right?”

  He turned abruptly to Caroline. “Well, I told you. My Mary Ann says it’s my greatest failing. Too brash. Too direct.” He leaned over and kissed her cheek, startling her greatly. Then he looked at Joshua. “But I’m only that way with people who really matter to me.”

  Chapter Notes

  Though specific details were supplied by the author, and though the encounter between Savannah and the Indian girl is part of the fictional structure of the book, the scene involving the Saints and the Indians is based on an actual experience. On the morning of 8 June 1846, the Latter-days Saints came upon a Potawatomi Indian village. It is recorded that one of the Indian braves demanded payment for the right to cross their lands, but Brigham convinced the Indians otherwise when he promised that the Saints’ passing would leave the land better off than when they came. (See CN, 15 June 1996, p. 5.) Brigham Young always felt strongly that the Indians were to be viewed as brothers and sisters and treated with respect. Because of that, the reputation of the Mormons became widely known among the tribes, and the Saints experienced very little Indian trouble on the trek west.

  Chapter 26

  When Caroline slipped out of the tent the next morning, it was full light, though the sun had not come up as yet. She stretched, looking around. In one or two places people were stirring. A few fires were already burning with pots hung over them. Men were looking to their wagons; sleepy-eyed boys stumbled around trying to look busy. But these were the exceptions. Because of the late night, the bugle had not sounded as usual and the camp was slow coming awake.

  She found Joshua behind the wagons, sitting on a trunk, fixing some of the harnessing. He looked up as she came around to join him. “Good morning,” he said.

  “You didn’t sleep much.” She kept her voice light.

  “No, not much. Are the children awake?”

  “Not yet. I thought I’d let them sleep a little longer.”

  “Good.”

  She nodded, not asking what she was dying to know. “I’ll start breakfast.”

  “Have you got a few minutes?” he asked casually.

  She tried to keep her face impassive. “Of course.”

  He slid over and made room for her on the trunk. As she sat down, he looked away from her, down toward the river where they would begin working on the bridge this morning. “Do you agree with Brigham?” he finally asked.

  She felt her heart twist a little. Now, there was a bear trap of a question if she had ever heard one. “Well, I’m not
sure that I would agree with everything he said,” she temporized, trying to collect her thoughts.

  “Caroline.” His look said it all.

  She took a breath. “Joshua, first let me say this. We believe in miracles in the Church. I believe that Heavenly Father sent that terrible cold that froze the Mississippi River late in February so more of our people could leave Nauvoo in a hurry. I strongly believe that our finding those families stuck in the mud and making the trade with them for the wagons and all the goods we needed was not just a lucky accident. I believe that your life was spared when you were shot in the back in Missouri and that the priesthood blessing Nathan and your father gave you was directly responsible for that.”

  His hands were working the harnessing now, massaging the leather, even though he did not look down at it.

  “But the greatest miracle of all, Joshua, is the changing of the human heart. And you have changed, Joshua. Surely you can see that.”

  “In some ways,” he admitted.

  “No, more than some. You have changed deeply, fundamentally. I can’t even picture the person who was married to Jessica, who did all those horrible things you have told me about. I can barely even remember the man I married. You have changed a great deal even since then. I watch you with Savannah and Livvy now, with Charles, and I just thrill to see what you are becoming.”

  “So, does that mean you agree with Brigham or not?”

  Her shoulders straightened and she looked directly at him. “I guess I am a little baffled. If it were the old Joshua fighting against the idea of accepting God, I could understand it. But why is this new person struggling so much? You’ve left your home. You’re out here with your family following a prophet of God. You’ve read the Book of Mormon. What is it that is holding you back, Joshua? Is it fear of the risks that come with membership? On the surface, at least, it looks like what Brigham said, that you want the Lord to answer every single thing before you will commit.”

  He nodded. “Thank you for answering honestly.” He pushed the harnessing away and it fell from his lap to the ground. She could feel he was starting to skitter away from her, like a wild thing that wanted what she held in her hand but was too fearful to come and get it.