He had an idea. “Then maybe someday you’ll be singing to yourself, like now, and I’ll sneak up and listen to you.”
She giggled a little. “If I see you, I’ll stop.”
He rocked her back and forth, looking outraged. “You’d better not.”
“Then don’t let me see you,” she suggested, with the impeccable logic of a child.
He laughed again. “Okay, I won’t.”
“Like now,” she suggested in a tiny voice. “If I hadn’t seen you coming, you could have heard me sing.”
“Ah,” he said slowly, understanding now. “All right. I’ve got to go, Savannah. I’ve got to go check on the oxen.”
She smiled, her eyes showing her gladness that he understood. “All right,” she called as he started away. “Good-bye, Papa.”
“Good-bye, Savannah.” He started back the way he had come, waving airily. When he reached the willows, he turned and started right back again, tiptoeing carefully.
She had her back to him, but not fully, and he saw that she had seen him out of the corner of her eye. She immediately turned her head away, bent down, and rinsed the kettle out one last time. By the time Joshua was only ten feet behind her, she had filled the bucket as well.
He stopped, standing perfectly motionless. She hesitated for a moment; then he saw her chest rise and fall as she took a breath. She began to hum the song. With the sweetness of the melody and the richness of her voice, it was all Joshua could do to stop from turning around and walking away. His eyes started to burn as the pain of Olivia’s memory lanced through him with a sharpness that made him gasp.
She went all the way through the song, took another breath, half turned, careful not to look at him but moving around far enough that he could clearly hear her, and started to sing, only this time using the words.
Listen to your heart,
It will help you see
That God is waiting now for you
To turn to him.
Papa, don’t you know
That I am praying for you?
Oh, won’t you turn to him
So I can be with you?
The song was finished, but she didn’t stop. Her eyes closed, and with even more feeling than the first time, she sang again the last few lines.
Papa, don’t you know
That I am praying for you?
Oh, won’t you turn to him
So I can be with you?
Only when she was finished and the last sounds of her voice had died away did she finally turn to face him. He had fully intended to play out the charade, throw up his hands in mock surprise, and say how he had just happened to stumble upon her singing and stopped to listen. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t move. His eyes were blurry and he could barely make out her form before him.
To his surprise, she walked up to him slowly, her eyes like great emerald pools. He dropped to one knee and held out his arms. She stepped into them willingly, then put her arms around him and held him tightly. “I love you, Papa,” she whispered.
He put his arms around her and buried his face in her hair so she couldn’t see his tears. “I love you too, Savannah, very much.” He hesitated, then spoke. “You said you want to be with me, Savannah. I am with you. I’m not going to leave you. Don’t you know that?”
She pulled back, surprised that he would misunderstand. “But I mean forever, Papa. I want you with me and Mama forever.”
And that left him without an answer. After a moment, she touched his cheek once, then stepped away. “I’d better get back with the water. Mama will be wondering what happened to me.”
Long after she was gone Joshua remained where he was, crouched down and staring at the stream in front of him. He was probably within sight of some of the camp, but he was not mindful of that. The smell of Savannah’s hair lingered in his nostrils, and he could still feel the pressure of those thin little arms around his neck.
I love you, Papa.
The sweetness of the moment still lay upon him so powerfully that he could not have spoken if it had been required of him. It was the perfect cap to the things he had felt earlier, watching his mother in the morning sun, listening to Savannah and Charles as they worked, laughing at his elfish Livvy, who could not sit still for her mother’s grooming. It was as though he had just awakened from a sleep and was seeing things clearly for the first time. Not physically. Mentally. Spiritually! He was at peace. There was no other word to describe it. It was the most sublime feeling of peace he had ever experienced.
It lasted for about a minute, and then slowly it began to subside. It didn’t go away completely, just ebbed slowly until it was a wonderful glow somewhere down inside him.
And then, like a wave rushing in toward the shore, swelling and growing with every moment until it crested and crashed thunderously against the beach, it came to him. Was it thought or feeling? Even much later he would not be sure. Perhaps it was both. Whatever it was, it came in perfect simplicity and purity.
If I have given you all of this, how can you question my love for you?
He sat back fully in the grass, dazed by the power of the thought. Joy and happiness and peace welled up inside him, expanding so swiftly that it filled him with dizziness. He felt like he needed to dig his fingers into the earth so that he didn’t simply float away. And then came the next thought, only this time it was an echo of Caroline quoting from the Doctrine and Covenants.
Did I not speak peace to your mind? What greater witness can you have than from God?
That was it, he thought, marveling. There was no other word which so perfectly described what he was experiencing. It was peace. A peace like gentle rain falling upon ground long parched and baked in the sun. From long ago, another scriptural phrase came tumbling back. Something about the “peace that passeth all understanding.”
“Yes!” he exulted, closing his eyes. He was astonished by the crispness of his thoughts, the perfect clarity of all that was rushing through his mind. And then, as full realization of what had just happened to him sank in, an overwhelming feeling of gratitude took over. His head dropped. As naturally as if he had been on his knees since he was a child, the words came.
“Heavenly Father. Thank you! I have cried unto you in my anguish, and in your great mercy you have answered. I understand now how your love is possible. It is like I am on fire within me, O Father. Humbly I say thank you. You have given me my life again, and now I offer it back to you. I will enter your kingdom, though I am not worthy. Thank you, Father. You have made me whole again.”
Chapter 28
He walked slowly back to the camp, knowing that he needed to bring the oxen but also knowing they could wait for another few minutes. As he came back to the small circle of their wagons, he looked around, savoring every detail of what he saw. Lydia was by her collapsed tent, kneeling beside her son as they began to fold it up. Josh glanced up at him and smiled, then went back to helping his mother.
Mary Ann had been interrupted by three of the grandchildren. They stood before her, showing her something. As she explained whatever it was they wanted to know, they listened to her in rapt attention. Jenny and Betsy Jo were sitting on the wagon tongue trying to feed Emmeline, who kept turning her head away from the spoon. Betsy Jo wagged her finger at the baby, a miniature Jenny, telling her gravely what would happen if she didn’t eat right. Rebecca was working with her children, putting things back in the wagon. Emily and Rachel were seated on the ground, their heads together as they whispered back and forth while they put silverware back in its box. Caroline was at the back of their wagon with Savannah and Charles, helping them organize what was going into the limited space. Livvy was down on her stomach in the grass beneath the wagon, peering at something with great fascination.
Again that sense of warmth and joy and peace came over him, and for a moment he stood there, just watching.
Caroline stepped out from behind the wagon and saw him. “Oh. Did you get the oxen watered?”
&n
bsp; He shook his head. “They’re still down at the creek. I’ll go get them in a few minutes.”
She seemed a little surprised by that, but it lasted only a moment as her mind came back to what had to go into the wagon next. He watched as Caroline bent down and started to sort through the pile.
“Caroline?”
Her head rose, but she didn’t turn around. “Yes?”
“I’m ready.”
She straightened and turned in surprise. There were still half a dozen things to be packed. Their tent was still up, the only one among those belonging to the Steeds that was not taken down as yet. The oxen were down at the creek. “What about all this?” she asked, then turned back to her work.
“Caroline,” he said again. “I’m ready.”
Something in his voice brought her head back around. She pushed back a loose tendril of hair, looking just a little exasperated with his persistence.
Laughing softly, he walked to her and took her hands. “It came, Caroline. Just now.”
“What came?” And then her jaw went slack and her eyes snapped wide open. “What came?” she asked again, not daring to believe.
“Everything you’ve prayed for.”
She just stared at him, as though his words had flown past her, over her head and not into her mind. Then her lower lip started to tremble. “Do you mean . . . ?” she started haltingly.
“Yes.” He lifted a finger and touched her lips, smoothing the tremor, smiling down into her eyes.
She was still fumbling, dazed and bewildered. “Are you saying that—”
He cut her off exuberantly. “Yes!”
“That you’re going to be—”
“Yes!” He laughed and picked her up in his arms. “Yes, Caroline! Yes! I have my answer. I know now. I want to be baptized.”
With a sob of joy, she threw her arms around him and crushed him to her. Then it was too much for her. She pushed back, still in his arms. “Do you really mean it, Joshua? You’re not just teasing me?”
“I wouldn’t tease you about something this important,” he said gravely.
Suddenly the tears came, welling up from some fountain deep within her and spilling in wet streaks down her cheeks. Her lips moved, but no words came out. She was gazing at him, her face filled with incredulity.
He bent down and kissed her gently, tasting the salt of her tears. “It’s true, Caroline. I know now. I know for myself. Your prayers are answered.”
“Oh, Joshua!” she whispered. “I can’t believe it.”
“Nor can I.”
He saw past her now that they had attracted the attention of the family. Mary Ann had stopped what she was saying to the children and was staring at them. Lydia was motionless, her eyes wide. This was hardly the normal greeting a husband got after going down to the creek to water the oxen.
He laughed aloud at the expression on their faces. “Josh,” he called to his nephew. “Would you go find Brother Brigham and ask him to come see us?”
He looked surprised. “Yes, Uncle Joshua.”
“And get your father and Uncle Matthew and Uncle Derek. I know they’re working, but tell them something urgent has come up. Tell them I need to talk to them.”
“Papa?” Savannah had come around from the wagon now. She saw that her mother was crying and instantly rushed forward. “Papa, what’s the matter?”
In two long steps he reached her and swept her up in his arms, crushing her against him. “Nothing is the matter, Savannah,” he whispered into her hair. “Everything is going to be all right now.”
The family was seated around him in a close circle. Every face was turned to him. Caroline sat in the midst of the women, most of whom were weeping joyfully with her. The men were still breathing hard from their run back to camp. When Josh had told Nathan that Aunt Caroline was crying and that his Uncle Joshua wanted them and President Young to come urgently, he had turned and sprinted for camp, his heart filled with dread. Now he looked as though he were still recovering from a stunning blow to his solar plexus.
“I think we are ready, Joshua,” Mary Ann said. “I think we are all very ready to hear the full story now.”
He smiled at her, feeling her love spanning the distance between them as tangibly as if it were one of Matthew’s bridges. “I wish Papa were here.” His eyes dropped. “And Olivia.”
“They’ll know,” Mary Ann whispered. “They’ll know.”
“I guess I need to go back a ways,” he started, “if you are going to understand how all this came about.” And so he began. He started with Nathan’s bullheaded insistence that they go back to Nauvoo and get Caroline, and his promise that if Joshua would just trust in God a way would be provided for that to happen. “When we found those families stuck in the mud and made the trade we did,” he went on, “I was amazed. Something in me wanted to believe God had a hand in it, but I couldn’t bring myself to accept that.” He shook his head. “I can’t believe what a hardheaded fool I’ve been.”
“Hardheaded, yes,” Nathan said with a warm smile, “but not a fool.”
He nodded gratefully and continued. He told them about taking Lydia’s Book of Mormon, about his questions, about Nathan’s patience in answering those questions. He stopped, looking at his brother. “I’m still not sure I understand all you were trying to tell me, little brother,” he said softly, “but as I think about it now, what mattered most to me was that my questions didn’t shake you at all. I didn’t know if what you were saying was true, but I knew that you knew, and that had a strangely reassuring effect on me.”
“You asked some very important questions,” Nathan answered.
Suddenly Joshua realized that there was someone standing behind him. He turned and there was Brigham Young, smiling in soft pleasure at him. “Go on,” Brother Brigham urged. “I want to hear all of it.”
He talked about his mother’s gentle prodding, about the night he went hunting and got an answer about life and death, about Brigham’s not-so-gentle call to repentance. He turned, smiling ruefully at the chief Apostle. “I nearly just walked away from it all that night,” he confessed. “But I couldn’t get what you said out of my mind, about me asking more from the Lord than I would from a business partner. That hit me pretty hard.”
“I didn’t sleep much that night,” Brigham admitted. “I worried that I had been too strong with you.”
“Us hardheads need a real pop on the jaw every now and then,” he said. He rubbed his cheek as if he had been actually struck. “And you gave it to me.”
He turned back to the family and told them about the day before on the bluffs, how Brigham had laid down the challenge, of his seemingly fruitless prayers and the great sadness he had as he came back and told Caroline that nothing had come of it all.
Brigham walked around now and stood behind Mary Ann. He laid a hand on her shoulder but still looked at Joshua. “When you didn’t come see me last night, my heart just sank,” he said. “I was so sure that you would get an answer.”
“I did, just not when I expected it.” Joshua took a breath. “So anyway, this morning I was kind of depressed, mostly for Caroline’s sake.” He had looked at her and that was his undoing. Her eyes were large and swimming with tears, but the absolute radiance on her face caused his voice to catch. He swallowed hard, fighting for control, then went on slowly. He described seeing his mother with the sunlight in her hair; he told of watching Savannah and Charles struggling with the food box and joking about it; he spoke of Caroline brushing out Livvy’s hair.
“They were such simple things, but it brought me a great sense of peace. I decided that even if the Lord didn’t want me yet, even though I wasn’t ready to become a member, it would be all right, because I still had all this. Then—” He had to stop. He blinked rapidly, trying to stop the burning behind his eyes. “Then I went down to the creek to water the oxen. I saw Savannah and—”
He couldn’t finish. The tears spilled out and his throat choked off. He dropped his head and stared down
at the ground. The whole family was weeping now, watching this man whom for so long they had prayed for and hoped for, despaired for. To see him unable to speak, to see his face wet with tears, was enough to open up the floodgates in all of them.
Caroline got up and went to stand beside him, slipping an arm around his waist. She too was struggling to speak, but she did so, telling them what had transpired between father and daughter at the creek. She motioned for Savannah to come forward. “Savannah, I know you don’t like to sing in front of people, but I’d like you to sing Olivia’s song for the family. I think it will help them understand what happened to your father. Will you do that?”
Savannah looked up at her mother, obviously hesitant, then turned to Joshua.
“Please,” he said softly. “It was what started it all for me, Savannah. Your song.”
And then she smiled, thrilled to know that she had had a part in this. “Okay.”
She stepped away from her parents and turned to the family. All went very quiet. And then, looking up at Joshua, she began to sing.
Listen to your heart,
It will help you see
That God is waiting now for you
To turn to him.
Papa, don’t you know
That I am praying for you?
Oh, won’t you turn to him
So I can be with you?
Papa, don’t you know
That I am praying for you?
Oh, won’t you turn to him
So I can be with you?
When she finished, Joshua dropped to his knees and took her in his arms. “Thank you,” he whispered. “Thank you, my precious Savannah.”
The sounds of sobbing and sniffling filled the air now. None of them had been able to resist the sight of her singing to her father. Mary Ann got to her feet and came up to Joshua and Savannah. Joshua stood slowly. Savannah and Caroline stepped back. Then, in a gesture that represented a thousand generations of mothers, she stepped forward and took her boy into her arms.
They gathered on the east banks of the wide and muddy river at about six o’clock that evening. They had moved from their camp at Mosquito Creek and come down the bluffs into the river bottoms. All told, they traveled about seven miles before the scouts showed them the spot they had chosen for the camp. By then everyone knew the news and the camp was electrified by it. Joshua Steed was to be baptized a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as soon as their tents were pitched and the camp was set.
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