Benji watched me put away my laptop. "Cy seems like an okay guy, but it's weird that, other than last night, I've never seen him outside of this class."
"Why is that weird? Some days, I don't see you outside of this class."
"Yeah, you do." He slipped on his backpack and then helped me with mine. "He disappears after he leaves here. One day, I followed him, but he turned a corner and...poof."
A corner of my mouth turned up. "I'm a little jealous that I'm not the only one you stalk."
"I wish you were jealous."
I shook my head.
Benji laughed once. "I wasn't stalking him. I was just curious."
"No worries. I've seen him outside of this class."
"Like a...like a date?"
"No, like he's Dr. Z's research assistant."
"I thought you were?"
"We both are."
"Oh. I thought he was temporary. You're still working together every night?"
"Every night."
He shifted his weight nervously. "Even over break? Is that why you're not going home?"
"Yes, over break. I'm not going home because, at the moment, Kempton is my home, and no, I don't want to talk about it."
"Oh."
I laughed. "C'mon, I'm starved."
Benji managed a smile and followed me out of the building and off campus to Gigi's Cafe. Benji and I had been eating there fairly regularly since we started studying together. Now, the waitresses were under the impression we were dating even though I'd set them straight plenty of times.
We walked out to the wooden patio and watched the traffic until our server came out to take our drink orders. We were enjoying a rogue fifty-five-degree November day, and I wanted to spend as much of it outside before I was cooped up in the windowless lab.
"I'll have a water."
"Me, too," I said, watching his nonreaction.
He always made fun of how I drank so much water, but now, he seemed preoccupied.
Benji picked at a sugar packet, looking uncomfortable in a plaid button-up oxford. The sleeves were rolled up to just below his elbows. It was his way of dressing down. He clearly wanted to have a conversation, but he was holding off.
Finally, I kicked his leg under the table.
"Ow!"
"What is it?" I said, trying not to giggle at my grade-school antics.
"What is what?" he said, bending down to rub his shin.
My eyes narrowed. "What are you not saying?"
"I'm not, not saying anything. If you sense hesitation, it's because I'm trying to phrase what I want to say in a way you haven't heard before."
"Is this because of Cy?"
"Because of a lot of things, Rory. I...wanted to wait. I wanted to have this conversation on your terms, especially after what happened with Ellie. I didn't want to risk running you off again. But if I wait, with you and Cyrus spending so much time together--"
"Benji, don't."
"Don't tell me don't. You've stopped me from telling you how I feel about you once a week since we've met. I know there are things I don't know about your past. Maybe I don't need to know them. Maybe one day you'll tell me, and I'll wish I didn't know. Either way, my feelings for you won't change. I don't need to know your past to know that I have feelings for the person you are now."
"I don't even know who I am now. I just know I'm not who I was then. You can't have feelings for someone stuck in limbo like that." I looked away from him. Purgatory would be more accurate.
"You're you." He shrugged and smiled. "The woman sitting in front of me is who I want to spend time with, who I want to hold the way I did last night as much as I want. As much as she wants. If you'd just give me a chance--"
The server brought our waters and smiled. "Ready to order?"
"Uh"--I looked down at the menu--"I'll just have the shredded chicken southwest quesadilla."
"The same," Benji said.
"Now, you're just being a suck-up," I said, handing the menu to my left.
The server took it and then spoke, "Actually, that's his usual."
How did I not notice that after coming here so often with him? Was I so focused on not letting him have feelings for me that I overlooked him completely? How could he care about someone like that?
"Thank you, Chelsea," Benji said, not taking his eyes away from mine. "See? Something in common." Chelsea walked away, and Benji folded his arms on top of the table. "How do you feel about me? Think I'll ever make it back out of the friend zone alive?"
I stared at the pedestrians and traffic passing by. Benji was obnoxiously happy and irritating, and in the beginning, I didn't think he was my type at all, but I suddenly feared that if I didn't say something in the realm of him having a chance, I might lose him. His friendship was comforting even if I wanted to kick his ass half the time, and as long as I was being truthful, I wasn't one hundred percent sure he was just a friend.
Regardless of his feelings or mine, I was very possibly on my way toward committing a federal crime. Dr. Z and Cy needed me right now, and that didn't leave any time for a burgeoning friendship to try to become a relationship. Benji obviously came from very respectable stock, and I was every mother's nightmare. And then there was the small matter of a traumatic life event and my immortality. That was a lot for something new and iffy to push through.
"I never meant for us to get in this deep," I said.
"Just answer the question, Rory."
"What if I said not right now and maybe not ever?" As soon as I said the words, I felt my heart knocking against my chest in a panic. He's going to walk away. He's going to leave me, and I need him.
Benji stared at me, unable to hide his disappointment.
I swallowed. "Would you stop being my friend?"
"Never," he said without hesitation. "Is that your answer?"
"Maybe. Can I think about it?"
"Absolutely. I'm not ready to give up on you yet anyway."
I folded my arms across the table, too. "Let's go to that party at the Theta Tau house later."
"Another party? You're starting to freak me out a little."
He had a point. I didn't know what was up with my sudden urge to socialize either, but what I did know was that I was getting very sick of the endless cycle of class, dorm, and lab, and The Gym wasn't cutting it.
"Kevin got his ass kicked there last year. He hasn't shown his face since."
"You really want to go?" he asked.
I nodded.
"I'll follow you anywhere."
"Spoken like a true stalker," I said with a smile.
I typed in the last line of data, tossed the paper across my desk, and let it float into the bin. Once it landed safely on top of the huge stack, I stood up from my stool and stretched.
"Break time?" Cy asked, taking off his glasses.
"Yes. Benji and I are going to the Theta Tau break party. Want to come?"
Cy's face blanched. "But we have so much work to do. You can't. We don't have time for parties."
"We always have time for parties."
"But you don't go to parties."
"I do tonight. I've been here for seven hours. I'm going to take a couple of hours and relax. I'll be back."
"Rory," Cy called after me.
"You're still invited!" I called back.
Benji's orange Mustang was running in the street in the exact spot where we'd agreed to meet--a block west of the Fitz. The hot fumes from the exhaust pipe met the cold air and instantly turned into a white cloud.
Benji popped out of the driver's side and jogged around to my side, giving me a quick hug before opening the door.
He was his normally bubbly self on the way to the Theta Tau house, chatting about his dad and bratty sister and what a great cook his mom was.
"You would love them."
"I'm sure they would love me," I said, my words dripping with sarcasm.
"They would learn to," he said, pulling over to the curb in front of Theta Tau.
Less than half of the cars that would normally be parked outside a house party lined the streets. Most of the students had already left for break, but this party wasn't for them. It was for the stragglers, the left-behind, and the black sheep. Those were always the best parties anyway because everyone there had one very important thing in common--the need for an alternative family.
I could already hear the base booming before we reached the lawn. We walked in the front door like we owned the place, and no one seemed to mind--not even Bobby Peck, the Theta Tau president and Benji's nemesis. A small group of already drunk students were in the commons area, but a congregation of people were gathered around the four kegs in the kitchen.
"Jackpot," Benji said. He grabbed two red Solo cups and held them to the man in charge of the faucet end of the keg.
"Welcome!" the faucet guy said.
I couldn't stop staring at the strange painting on his naked torso and the underwear on his head. Clearly, he'd been partying much longer than anyone else in the room. He filled up our cups, and then Benji took my free hand and led me to the front room. We sat in a love seat and watched as a couple acted out a fight they'd witnessed another couple having the weekend before. It was obviously very dramatic and amusing because everyone had tears streaming down their cheeks from laughing so hard.
I sipped the beer, wishing I'd just asked for water instead.
"A much more successful beer hunt than the last party we tried," Benji said, tipping his head back. He'd already finished his first cup and hopped up to get another. "Are you ready for another one?"
I shook my head.
"Well, I'm hoping to get drunk so you'll try to take advantage of me later."
"Not going to happen."
"A man can dream, can't he?" he said, smiling and walking backward a few steps before turning for the kitchen.
I laughed once. Benji and I had known each other for a little over two years, and I had known almost the whole time that he had a thing for me, but this--whatever it was--still felt new and maybe a little exciting.
And then, there was Cy. It was definitely possible to have feelings for two people, but I couldn't have more than a friendship with both of them. Do I want to be with both of them?
I watched Benji standing at the keg. He was observing the funny couple, smiling at them, and stealing glances at me once in a while. I wanted to touch him, to be near him, to feel his lips on mine like they were in The Gym.
What I felt for him was different from what I felt for Cy. I wasn't even sure if having feelings for Cy was even accurate. What I felt was drawn to him. I needed him, but I wasn't sure why. There was just something in my gut telling me that he'd entered my life for a reason.
"How could you?" the girl said, pretending to cry. "I thought you were different!"
"I thought you'd put out more!" her boyfriend said in a fake gruff voice.
Everyone laughed.
Benji returned, both hands holding full cups.
I raised an eyebrow. "I guess I'm driving."
"Nah. I'll be done after these."
"Good, because I have to go back to work after this."
"What?" Benji said, disappointed.
I nodded.
"Can I go with you?"
"No."
"Oh, c'mon. I'll be your gofer. I'll go for coffee. Go for water. Sharpen your pencil. I'll be at your disposal."
I shook my head, smiling. "Dr. Z won't allow anyone else in the lab."
Benji downed half of his cup. "Well, that sucks."
"Easy, tiger."
"I'm just trying to drink up the nerve to ask to kiss you."
I stifled a smile. "Please don't." We might not stop.
"They don't appeal to you?" he said, pointing at his lips.
"I didn't say that. Just...it's a weird time for me."
"If you hadn't met Cyrus, would you still be unsure?"
His question took me off guard, and he watched my hesitation with waning hope.
"Yes."
"What is it about me that gives you pause?" he asked before drinking the rest of his second cup. For a quiet mama's boy, he sure could drink like a frat boy.
I took another sip. "I don't know why you're interested in me, for one. We don't really"--I pointed back and forth between the two of us--"make sense."
"Who says?"
"Me."
"You're wrong. We make perfect sense."
"The White Stripes tee and the yellow oxford. Yeah, makes perfect sense," I said before taking another drink. Somehow, in my nervousness, I'd managed to drink the entire cup of beer.
"Want another, or are you done?" he asked.
"No, I'm definitely not done. We came to party, didn't we?"
"That we did." Benji left and then came back with three more cups filled to the brim. He was already half finished with his third.
"I will not be outdrank by an oxford shirt," I said before taking several gulps.
"Whoa, there. Slow down. I don't want to be blamed if you don't make it back to work."
"Do I seem like the kind of girl who makes everything everyone else's fault?"
"No. No, you do not."
We both drank to that.
"Where were we?" I asked, feeling pretty good. "Oh, yeah. Our shirts don't go together."
"It's not the outside, Rory. I mean, you're obviously beautiful and unorthodox. I wear button-ups and get nosebleeds, but it's the inside where we make sense."
"What inside? I haven't been nice to you, Benji."
"I'm talking about the inside that is nice to me. The girl who tells me where freshman orientation is on the first day. The girl who let me sit next to her in class even though she wanted to be left alone. The girl who pushes everyone aside so that she can help me stop a nosebleed. The girl who walks me home after said nosebleed. The girl who let me hold her. The girl who asked me to this party. The girl who is going to at least try to give me a chance. And more importantly, the girl who had something so awful happen to her that it changed her life, but she didn't use it as an excuse to fail."
"I caused that nosebleed," I said, intentionally ignoring his last comment.
"You could have walked right past me. Some people would have."
I stared at him. His brown eyes were sleepy but happy, and he looked so in love with me.
I put my elbow on my knee and let my cheek rest on my fist. "You're kind of cute when you're buzzed."
Benji leaned forward, put the half-empty cup and the full cup on the coffee table, and then rested his elbows on his knees. "May I kiss you?"
"No," I said, "but you can get me another beer."
He looked down, surprised. "Already?"
I took the cup he had on standby. "Let's play a game. We ask the other a question. If you refuse to answer, you drink."
"Sounds dangerous."
I took a drink and winked at him over the cup.
"Okay, I'll start," Benji said. "What's your middle name?"
"Ann. Boring, right? What's yours?" Benji started to drink, but I grabbed his wrist. "No way! That's an easy one! C'mon."
"My middle name is Benjamin."
"So, what's your first name?"
"It's my turn."
I rolled my eyes. "Fine."
"What's your favorite flower?"
I laughed. "I don't know!"
"Drink!"
"No, wait. I like those globe amaranths. They're beautiful and vicious."
"Like you," Benji said with a mischievous grin.
"So, what's your first name?" I asked.
"Aw, man!" Benji groaned. He started to take a drink and then changed his mind. "It's Franklin."
My eyebrows shot up. "Your name is Franklin Benjamin? Your mom is mean!"
We both laughed hysterically. Two cups of beer and twenty-seven questions later, we were both asking questions we would normally be too embarrassed to ask.
"Are you a virgin?" I asked.
Benji nearly spit out the beer he'd just drunk. "Seriously?"
"Yes. That's my question. Answer or drink!"
He leaned in. "Do I kiss like a virgin?"
I leaned in, too. "You can't answer a question with a question."
"No," he said simply. "Are you?"
I shook my head but drank anyway. "Did you have a good childhood?"
"I did. My parents are great. Maybe a little overbearing, but they mean well. I'm really close with my dad."
I smiled. "That's great."
"Why aren't you close with yours?" he asked.
I touched the rim of the cup to my lips, seriously thinking about telling Benji everything, but then I tilted my head back and let the amber liquid slide down my throat. "Why do you hate Bobby Peck?"
Benji narrowed his eyes. "Remember when you asked me if I was a virgin?"
I nodded. "Oh no, you lost your virginity to Bobby Peck?"
Benji threw his head back and laughed. "No!" He chuckled again. "No. He caused a fight between her and me. She dumped me, and now she's with--"
"Bobby Peck? No way."
"Way. I guess I shouldn't be mad at him. He clearly did me a favor."
I smiled at him. "Who's going to drive me back to work?"
"That's," Benji said, pointing at me with the same hand his cup was in, "a very good question. Not you and not me and not just because I don't want you to go back with him. I want you to stay here with me. Do you know how maddening it is to know you like him and that you spend hours with him every night?"
I just shook my head.
"It is. Sometimes, I feel like I'm going to go out of my mind and just storm in there and steal you away."
"Very caveman of you," I said. I was teasing him, but it sounded kinda hot. "Why do you like me?"
"I don't," he said.
Even through the five and a half beers I'd drunk, embarrassment began to seep in. "Oh."
He reached over and entwined his fingers with mine. "I'm in love with you, Rory. I have been for a long time."
"Oh," I said again, feeling my cheeks warm in reaction. Outside of the classroom, those words felt more real. The embarrassment was replaced with nearly uncontrollable lust. No man had ever told me he loved me before Benji--well, except for my dad, and that wasn't the same, not even close.
"Well, well, Benji Reynolds."
Benji and I turned to see Bobby Peck standing behind the sofa we were sitting on. I realized that most everyone else had gone.
"President Bobby Peck," Benji said as if he were spitting venom.
"Where are your keys? I'm going to drive you kids home."
"Um...no," Benji said. "Someone else can drive us. Anyone else."
"I'm the house designated driver tonight. There is no one else."
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