‘Sam, can you just… give us a sec?’ I turned to him, eyes wide with meaning.
‘Are you kidding me?’ he asked, looking from the sheets wrapped around him to me. I shook my head, sorry to kick him out but knowing in this moment that Zoe needed me more.
‘Alright.’ Sam’s tone softened, a look of genuine concern spreading across his features as he finally twigged. I loved him for that. ‘Zo, close your eyes.’ He smiled and she did, snuggling a little further into the sheets. Sam dressed, mouthing ‘hope she’s okay’ before leaving the room.
‘I’m so sorry.’ Zoe looked up from her spot, lying across the foot of our bed. She looked younger without make-up on, but there were red marks circling her eyes.
‘Don’t be.’ I moved to sit beside her, bed sheets still pulled close, stroking her hair the way I had when her wildness had taken her too far. Like everyone else, Sam had egged her on at first, but now that we were getting more serious, it kind of felt like Zoe should be doing the same, like maybe it was time for us all to start growing up, preparing for what was next.
‘What’s the matter?’ I asked, pretty sure I already knew the answer.
‘My dad got in touch.’ She confirmed my thoughts with tear-stung eyes.
‘Thought so.’ I nodded, stroking her again. Zoe’s dad had left their family just months before we’d started university. It was messy and so was processing it. That was why I had never questioned her partying or never wanting to settle down; life could be unpredictable. I knew I was lucky mine was so stable, my future with Sam so clear.
‘What did he say?’ I asked, quietly, conscious Sam was waiting outside, but knowing I’d move mountains to give Zoe all the time in the world.
‘Not a lot.’ She shrugged, tears falling freely. ‘Not enough.’
I held her tighter as she sobbed.
‘I’m sorry.’ She wiped her tears with the back of her hand. ‘I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt your morning… I didn’t mean to…’
‘Zoe.’ I held her hand in mine. ‘We’re best friends.’ I smiled down at her, wanting to fix everything but knowing I couldn’t. But for every promise her dad couldn’t keep, I knew I could at least make one. ‘Crack of dawn to the middle of the night and every bloody minute in between.’ I squeezed her hand tightly in mine. ‘You’ll always be my priority.’ New tears brimmed in her eyes as a smile spread across her wet cheeks.
‘And,’ she whispered weakly, before salvaging some strength, ‘you’ll always be mine.’
Chapter 15
3 August 2020 – Sydney, Australia
I dragged myself off the bus and stepped into the evening in Coogee. The streets were alive with groups of friends, joggers and commuters happy to be on this side of work. I leaned against the back of the wooden bus shelter and looked out across the sea. My eyes traced the burnt horizon as I tried to recapture the feeling I’d left work with: useful, wanted. Zoe was busy, she was at work. And she was still worried about me, she still cared. Not that she needed to be worried. I’d had a good day, seen Sam, I’d even made my way back from Woolloomooloo alone. I had a job – kind of. I’d be out of his apartment by the end of the week, for sure. Everything was going to work out. It had to. Walking on the pavement, tracing its way along the beach, I looked upwards at the endless ascent before me. Jamie would just take a cab, too gorgeous to break a sweat anywhere but her early morning runs. But then I wasn’t Jamie. I wasn’t a doctor with legs for days. I had to walk – or rather climb – step by step. At least this time, Sam wasn’t around to see it.
‘Jess?’
Shit. I turned to find the tall, slender figure of Jamie’s friend beside me, the one who seemed to share her ability to eat pancakes without gaining an ounce of weight.
‘Alice?’ I asked, as I put one leg in front of the other and tried not to cry from the blisters. Alice’s long limbs stretched out beside me, making the climb look effortless. ‘Good day?’ I asked, accentuating the question mark to differentiate from the fact I wasn’t just saying hello again. I would fit in here if it killed me, which, judging by this mountain, it might. She smiled as I willed the redness of my cheeks away.
‘Busy but good.’ Alice gave a brief nod; but of course, it was going to be busy if you worked as a doctor and still insisted on going for early morning runs. ‘How about you?’
‘It was, actually,’ I said, trying not to sound too surprised or give too much away; I knew anything I said about lunch would get back to Jamie quicker than you could say ‘Big V’.
‘You’re helping with the Leo Todd thing, right?’ Alice asked. News sure did travel fast – was there anyone in their circle who wasn’t also in the loop?
‘Yeah.’ I grinned, trying to catch my breath. ‘Just for a bit. You into art?’ I asked, keen to keep the conversation on safe ground, nowhere near Jamie, even further from Sam.
‘A little,’ she said, not bothered or breathless. ‘Anything that gets me out of the hospital.’ She shrugged. ‘Maybe we can go for a culture-binge sometime?’ I glanced down to her pin-legs; evidently culture was the only binge Alice would be having anytime soon. I shrugged away the offer, cursing myself for how much I wanted to be her friend, anyone’s friend here.
‘So, you work in a hospital?’ I asked in an attempt at small talk. Thankfully, she took the bait, chatting about her day in a blur of patients, drugs, sickness and health, as I put one wrecked foot in front of the other until the turn-off to Oberon was blissfully in sight.
‘This is me.’ I slowed to a halt where the street met the main road. Alice looked back at me, her long brown hair pulled to one side.
‘Me too.’ She smiled. Oh, they were neighbours; I guess that made their decision to run together at dawn make a little more sense. I continued down the drive towards Sam and Jamie’s with Alice’s footsteps behind me. ‘I’m not stalking you,’ she laughed. ‘I’m having dinner round yours tonight.’ Alice smiled, narrowing her all-knowing eyes, but what could she know? In any case, it was kind of her to refer to it as mine when it was clearly anything but. As I turned my key in the door to let us both in, the sound of chatter and music coming from the kitchen-living room filled the corridor before me. Shit, shit, shit. That was why Alice was here. Jamie’s church friends were round. And I’d told Sam I would be out, suggested I had my own friends to hang out with now. I froze, the door still open behind us, as I tried to work out if I could turn around and escape. It wasn’t that I had anything against the said church friends, or even against church in general. It just wasn’t really for me. Apart from the odd Carols by Candlelight, the last time I had stepped foot in one, I had ended up being kicked out of a Remembrance Day memorial service with the Brownies (apparently turning the collection bag into a hand puppet was not a funny joke) and I hadn’t really given it a chance since. But I’d given it a hell of a lot more of a chance than Sam. Where me and church seemed to have come to an agreement that we were better off as long-distance, see-them-once-a-year-at-Christmas friends, Sam had actively had a problem with it – a reluctance to entertain any mystery he couldn’t understand. Just seeing him nodding along with Jamie, getting passionate about her perspective in a way he never could with me made me want to run in the other direction, blisters be damned. I hadn’t even taken my shoes off; if I could just turn around and sneak back out maybe they’d never know I was here. Before I could act, Alice shouted, ‘We’re here!’ just as another familiar face poked his head around the arch into the hallway, his floppy surfer’s fringe falling effortlessly to one side.
‘Alice!’ Joshua greeted her, before turning to me. His eyes darted to my ripped jeans, more relaxed than yesterday’s outfit, up to my oversized blouse. ‘We’ve saved you both some food.’ He looked from Alice back to me. Oh crap. I bent down to prise off my shoes.
‘Oh, you can leave them on,’ Joshua said.
You’d have to pay me, Joshua.
Ouch, ouch, ouch. Shoes now off and now my true five-foot three, I walked meekly into the busy
kitchenette. Sam clocked my arrival immediately, leaving Jamie’s side to greet me.
‘You’re here.’ He handed me a glass of wine – my favourite again. ‘I’m glad you are,’ he added. At the dinner? In Sydney? I unglued my eyes from Sam’s intensity just long enough to see Jamie nodding her welcome from a distance.
‘Want some food with that?’ Sam asked. He’d changed out of his suit and was now the picture of comfort in his statement white T and blue jeans. I took a sip of wine, savouring the smell, swirling it around my mouth, my eyes closing just a little. Sam’s laugh broke its spell. ‘You never did look at me the way you looked at wine.’ He laughed again. We both knew that was a lie. My eyes darted towards Jamie, behind her to Joshua. Sam needed to keep his voice down if he didn’t want me kicked out in two seconds flat. Ex-girlfriends in box rooms was surely not the done thing in these circles. In any circles really.
‘Food, Jess?’ Sam asked again.
‘I’m still stuffed from brunch,’ I said.
‘Great, wasn’t it?’ The food or the company?
‘It really was,’ I whispered into my wine.
Jamie appeared by Sam’s side, bringing me back to reality. ‘Hey.’ She beamed, hooking her arm under Sam’s. He smiled across at her, her hair now loose, her spray-on jeans replaced by a bohemian sundress, midnight blue. ‘How was CreateSpace?’
‘It was good actually,’ I said, revelling in the truth for as long as I could.
‘Great!’ She smiled again, stroking his arm back and forth, back and forth. ‘I can’t thank you enough for using your spare time like that,’ Jamie went on as my stomach sank; spare time, spare bedrooms, always the spare something. ‘Let me introduce you to some people, Jess,’ she offered, unhooking herself from Sam to place a cold hand on my shoulder. Clutching my wine, I followed Jamie over to the sofas. There were about seven or eight people gathered there, some sitting on dining chairs pulled over from the table and others sitting on the floor with their backs against the legs of those lucky enough to get a seat on the couch.
‘Guys, this is Jess,’ Jamie addressed the room. ‘Sam’s friend from the UK.’ I felt all eyes on me, as if my status as an ex was about to be outed. In quick succession, I was introduced to the smiling faces around the room.
‘Mark.’ A tall, dark-haired guy extended a hand out towards me before offering me his seat on the sofa. ‘And this is my partner, Andrew,’ he said, before nudging Andrew to surrender his place.
‘Oh no, you really shouldn’t,’ I began, before Andrew obediently followed Mark to sit on the floor.
‘I do as I’m told.’ Andrew rolled his eyes as everyone laughed. Joshua and Alice filled their spaces.
‘Hey!’ Mark laughed at them, pretending to be annoyed. ‘That was for our guest!’ I know he was trying to be nice, but calling me a guest only made me feel more like an outsider.
‘On your feet, lose your seat,’ Alice laughed, winking in my direction; was she trying to be my friend?
‘Hey, there’s still room for a little one!’ Joshua objected, nodding to the too-small space between him and the arm of the sofa. He forced himself even further towards Alice until their tanned arms blended into one. I wasn’t sure I believed in God, but it was fair to say these creatures were blessed.
‘Joshua,’ he joked, leaning back slightly to offer a hand in my direction even though he could barely extend his arm. His face was inches from my own; I was practically sitting on top of him.
‘Jess,’ I said in response, laughing.
‘You look nice.’ He nodded down at my almost sheer blouse whilst I tried to cover my bra. I glanced over to where Alice was busy chatting to Jamie. Not in comparison to them, I don’t. Turning back to Joshua, I took a good look at him in return. Hipster beard drawing attention to sky-blue eyes, floppy hair pushed to one side.
‘Thanks.’ I shrugged, looking around the room. Sam was still in the kitchen, but his eyes kept glancing in our direction, caught between a look of confusion and admiration. I could swear I saw a hint of envy mixed in his expression.
‘How are you feeling about the apartment?’ Joshua asked. ‘Can’t be nice to feel so unsettled.’ Unsettled. Settled. That damn word again.
‘Yeah, just excited to get in now,’ I lied.
‘I bet.’ He raised one eyebrow before looking down at his rough hands. You could tell he was the kind to throw himself around on a surfboard. A little like Sam. He looked at me again, opening his mouth to speak but hesitating for just a moment before saying, ‘Bit weird about your landlord and the renovations, eh?’ My eyes couldn’t help but widen, feeling the burn of Joshua’s blues ones, like a spotlight in an interrogation room. I looked around the room for sight of Sam, longing for him to save me before I could incriminate myself further.
I was sure Joshua could see right through me. Perhaps years of reading defensive youths had prepared him for detecting my lies. I wanted to move but his gaze held me still.
‘Yeah.’ I held his eye contact a moment longer, taking another sip of wine. ‘Weird.’
‘And did you get everything sorted at the magazine?’ he pressed on, as I caught my breath.
‘Huh?’ I couldn’t help but spill the sound, trying my best not to spill my wine.
‘They wanted to check something yesterday?’
‘Oh right, yeah.’ I sighed, struggling to keep up with my own secrets around him. ‘Just confirming a few things for when I start.’
‘In two weeks’ time?’
‘Yes,’ I said, cementing my lies. ‘In two weeks’ time.’
‘Must be pretty stressful.’ Joshua cast a brief look to Sam, still shooting glances over at us – at me – from the other side of the room.
‘What?’ I asked again, distracted. Seriously, Joshua was going to start thinking there was something wrong with me – if he didn’t think that already.
‘Like, do you have someone to talk to about it? Not being able to get into your house, temping at the gallery until you’re able to start your real job…’
I gulped; right now there was nothing real about it.
‘Hard to be in a state of flux at the best of times, never mind so far from home,’ Joshua said, casting another look towards Sam, so brief that had I blinked, I would have missed it. There was nothing to talk about. Nothing at all. And if there was, why did Joshua think I’d be talking with Sam? Had Sam told him about us, about how close we were, how we used to share a home, how once upon a time he was my home?
‘Not really, but it’s fine, honestly,’ I said, stuck between Alice and a hard chest. I mean, place. A hard place.
‘Oh.’ Joshua looked taken aback, bringing his full attention back to me. ‘Well, if you need someone to talk to, I’m never too far away…’ He smiled, a smile so warm and full it seemed to deserve the kind of honesty I couldn’t give. I had to sort this on my own, do something on my own.
‘That’s okay, I’m sure you’re really busy with your young people,’ I said.
‘No, seriously, Jess.’ His hand seemed to move closer, which was pretty improbable given our proximity. ‘If you need to chat, I’d make it a priority.’
My stomach flipped as my mind went to Zoe, now prioritising her fridge-freezer. But something told me telling Joshua a little would lead to telling him a lot. I let out a nervous laugh as I observed the group around us. Jamie and Alice chatted, Sam was topping up Mark and Andrew’s wine glasses, the perfect host. He looked over to me as I checked my watch – half past eight. Surely too early to go to bed? Joshua moved beside me, reclining further, his shoulders resting against the back of the sofa, one arm around Alice, one arm around me. He grinned again, like he was about to ask me another question.
‘Right, guys.’ Sam’s authoritative tone drew the attention of the room as he came to sit on the floor, completing the circle of people. The happy chatter died down as all eyes turned to him. What was he doing? ‘Thanks for coming tonight. So, the agenda is pretty simple for this evening.’ Agenda? There was an a
genda for tonight? Was this the part where Sam started to explain his twenty-point argument on why the dinosaurs undermined the existence of a deity? What was going on? ‘As you know, it can be pretty hard to get to know people properly in just a few hours on a Sunday.’ I hung onto each of his words as I tried to make sense of them. What was happening on Sunday? Everyone around me smiled and nodded, clearly getting something I didn’t. ‘And so that’s why we try and meet midweek to eat together and be together and you know, just build community.’ They continued to nod. I’d never seen Sam look so confident; I’d practised his medical presentations with him time and again at university; he had fluffed and fumbled every line. I mean, I had thought he looked cute doing it and he had always pulled it together in the end but public speaking just wasn’t his forte.
And yet, here he was, stringing sentences together with charisma and clarity. My wine started to tremble in my hand. ‘Some of you may just be trying this Home Group out – and that’s okay. Some of you will want to come every week – and that’s great, but whatever your decision we hope it will bring you closer to God and closer to the church.’
Heads nodded, and smiles beamed around the room. I was too distracted by this new confidence to concentrate on his words. Something about God, something about church? But I thought Jamie was the Christian? Sam certainly wasn’t. He wouldn’t even go to church with his parents at Christmas. And he had hated all my fate malarkey. He thought horoscopes were shit. I’d only heard him invoke God’s name in one situation and it wasn’t one he’d want repeated in church.
‘If it’s okay with you guys’ – he cast a fleeting look my way – ‘I’d just like to start by saying a little prayer.’
Holy shit.
Heads bowed around me as my eyes stayed glued on him before glancing to Jamie, who was doing the same, eyes fixed on her fiancé, encouraging him on.
Sam hadn’t just changed. He was changing for her.
The Spare Bedroom: A totally heartwarming, funny and feel good romantic comedy Page 12