Then my phone rang. Who would be calling at this time of night? Alice was on her shift and I’d told Tim his breakdowns were no longer mine to fix. Of course, many monkey emojis had followed that. I looked down at the screen. Zoe. I hadn’t heard from her since we’d Skyped at Sam’s almost a month ago. If she wanted me to fill her in, we’d need more than a twenty-minute pre-work catch up. I’d been pissed off she’d not called in the whole time it had taken me to have an A-class breakdown, but it wasn’t until I saw her name dancing across my screen that I realised the full extent of my anger.
‘Hello?’ I swiped to answer.
‘Jess! How are you?’ Despite my self-willed frostiness her familiar voice cut through the ice.
‘I’m, you know…’ I began, before looking down at my laptop screen and correcting myself. ‘I’m good.’ I was. Or getting there, at least. ‘How are you?’
‘I’m sorry I’ve been so busy, and then when I’m not, the time difference is a bitch, but I just wanted to call to check you are okay before Sam’s wedding. It’s this Saturday, right?’ Right. She remembered. She always remembered the important things. I found myself softening. ‘Are you invited? I still can’t get my head round the fact he invited you to stay with them in the first place.’
‘So, I am invited,’ I said, searching for the words to explain everything that had happened. ‘And I’m not living with them any more.’
‘You finally moved out! Well done, Jess, I’m proud of you.’
I squirmed. Technically, I was thrown out. And fifty dollars said she would not be proud of why.
‘I knew you would.’ Did she? I hadn’t. ‘I can’t believe you actually live in Sydney,’ she went on wistfully, a hint of envy in her voice that I hadn’t been able to hear before. I had been so absorbed with my own problems that it had never crossed my mind that she could be envious of me, of my misadventures, of my freedom to go anywhere, do anything, with anyone. I’d forgotten that even the most loving of commitments still came at a cost.
‘So, you going to go to the wedding?’ It was such a long story. I looked down at my sketchbook: all swirls and shade but not a sign in sight.
‘Would you?’ I asked, against my better judgement. Zoe and I had been friends for years but I had rarely taken her advice. Maybe if I had, I wouldn’t have put my life on hold for Sam in the first place. Zoe had been right; he hadn’t been worth the wait – through no real fault of his own, but through all I’d demanded of him, of us.
‘Go to my ex-boyfriend’s wedding?’ Zoe reiterated. ‘Hell no!’ No surprises there then. I swore I could hear her sass-snapping on the other end of the line. Then I heard her sigh and say, ‘But then I was never best friends with a long-term ex-boyfriend. I didn’t grow up with him, become grown-up with him, well… almost.’
‘Hey!’ I said, but she had a point.
‘A friendship like that means something,’ Zoe continued. ‘It’s the reason Sam’s parents have probably insisted on inviting every bloody friend they’ve not talked to for the past three years to their son’s wedding; they might not share the everyday but the important ones? You’d better hope they’ll be there.’
She was right. Good friends would be there. And she always had been. Freshers’ Week, exams, graduation, first jobs, first exhibitions, break-ups. Sam wasn’t the only one who had helped to make each of those memories. Zoe was there too. And though she may no longer be in my everyday, she remembered the important days, the ones that counted.
‘You’re right,’ I said.
‘I am?’ Zoe asked, surprised.
‘Yeah, thanks, Zoe.’ I meant it.
‘So, what are you going to do?’
Chapter 42
3 October 2020 – Sydney, Australia
Shit. Ouch. I burnt my neck with my curling iron as a loud knock startled me mid-curl. Stumbling over my empty rucksack, I covered up the red mark at speed. The last thing I needed today was a wannabe love bite. Pulling on my best heels one by one, I ignored the light mark of a blister left over from the exhibition opening. I hoped I wasn’t preparing myself for yet another fall from grace. I checked myself in the mirror for the trillionth time that morning. I looked exactly like I had thirty seconds ago. And thirty seconds before that. Well, apart from my new burnt red neck to match my burnt orange dress. At least Tim would approve of my outfit even if he didn’t condone my decision, I thought to myself as I heard another loud bang on the door.
Decision; the word felt a bit strong. My RSVP has oscillated between a yes, a no, a hell no and an I wouldn’t miss it for the world ever since I’d hung up from my call with Zoe less than forty-eight hours ago. Tottering out of the bedroom, I headed across the living room towards the knocking. There was no turning back now. I opened the door to reveal the very person I was expecting, but his combed-back hair and clean-shaven face still took me by surprise; a surprise that must have shown because after a lengthy pause Joshua explained, ‘My wedding present to Jamie. She’s been telling me to shave it off for years.’ I had always loved Joshua’s surf-bum beard but, paired with his black tux, his fresh face looked good enough to…
‘Jess, you look amazing.’ He pulled me into a hug. It was so good to be on good terms again. I had missed this. It had taken a while to see it but he wasn’t I-wish-you-were-Sam any more; he was just Joshua. ‘Are you sure you’re okay with this?’
‘I think I am.’ I forced a smile.
‘You know, if you need anything, anything at all, just ask, okay?’ Joshua pressed on, grinning from ear to ear. I didn’t need to ask to know he’d missed this too.
‘I know that,’ I said. ‘Thank you.’
‘Joshua!’ Spinning around, I saw Alice emerge from her room, a vision in floor-length canary yellow. Few girls could pull that dress off. Almost every guy would want to.
Alice grabbed my shoulders with her yellow-painted fingernails and exclaimed, ‘Jess, you look stunning! And Joshua! Your chin! It’s… there!’
‘Good to see you too,’ said Joshua. ‘A date with a canary, aren’t I a lucky man?’ Joshua turned to smile at me. I flinched, more awkward than I intended to be. I looked at him, one arm now slung around Alice. ‘Well, ladies. Our chariot awaits.’ He extended a hand in the direction of the door. My mind instantly filled with visions of me and Alice straddling Joshua’s bike, silk and chiffon blowing in the wind. ‘I’ve got my dad’s car,’ Joshua reassured us. He made for the door and Alice followed. She turned around to grab my hand and squeezed, mouthing the words, ‘You sure?’ No, Alice, not in the slightest and becoming less and less so each and every time someone asked. And yet, I nodded. I breathed in, I breathed out and descended the steps of Alice’s apartment, putting one foot in front of the other until we were on the streets of Coogee. I’d come a long way since I had traipsed through these streets in the rain, jobless, friendless, homeless, hopeless. Joshua opened the back door to his dad’s car and smiled. I lifted my dress and stepped inside.
‘To the wedding!’ Alice thrust her hand forwards, demanding our dapper driver move on. To Sam and Jamie’s wedding. Joshua nodded obediently, not about to argue with a six-foot supermodel. Turning the key in the ignition, he drove on, and we descended the hills I had learnt to love, the whole of Coogee sprawling out before us. Summer was getting more and more into swing, the sun sparkling across the sea as bronzed locals and tourists paddled, swam and surfed along the waves. It was the perfect day for it. Twenty minutes of driving felt like five and Joshua and Alice’s chatter faded into nothingness as the breathtaking scenes absorbed us all. Eventually, Joshua began to slow as he pulled the car up to the kerb.
‘Ready?’ Alice turned around from the passenger seat, smiling broadly, nervous energy bouncing between us.
‘As I’ll ever be,’ I said, putting my hand on the door handle. ‘Enjoy the wedding!’ I shouted to them both as I closed the door behind me. And, turning to ascend the restaurant stairs before me, I realised I actually meant it.
Chapter 43
; 2 October 2020– Sydney, Australia
The Day Before
Should I stay? From the moment Zoe had asked me what I was going to do, that stupid Clash song had played round and round my head. Should I go? I walked down Coogee Bay Road, humming to the beat. Not that it was making my decision any easier. Sam wanted me to go to his wedding. Our journey had to count for something, right? You wanted the important people there on the important days. Zoe was right, although I’d never tell her twice.
Without thinking, I walked into Woolworths. Ice cream wasn’t going to solve my problems, but it couldn’t hurt, right? I meandered down the first aisle, seeking answers in the freezer. And then there was the small matter of Joshua. That man had seen me practically scrape myself off the floor and still seemed to want to spend time with me. Some of these churchgoers were too forgiving for their own good. I turned down the next aisle, resisting the wine. Whatever my tomorrow held, a hangover wasn’t going to help.
I tried to imagine Jamie floating down an aisle of her own, barefoot on the sand, dressed in white, flowers in her hair. Sam at the end, broad, barefoot and grinning from ear to ear. I tried to imagine the guests watching on, wiping away a tear, but even my subconscious couldn’t decide whether I should be among them or not. Come on, brain. I had to decide. But right now, another decision seemed more pressing. Cookie Dough or Phish Food?
I turned into another aisle, putting items into my basket. Looking up from my collection of chips, pasta sauce, apple juice and aubergine, I saw him. It was a figure I’d recognise anywhere, the same height as he had been the day I’d met him. My heart beat faster as I studied his form for the thousandth time. Though his face had aged like a fine wine, his body hadn’t changed an inch. I watched him reach a hand out to the shelves, the last time that fourth finger would be without a band. Watching as he grabbed a tube of original Pringles, I smiled. Old habits die hard. He disappeared down the next aisle. I remained frozen to the spot. I could just let him leave, buy myself some time to properly make a decision. But how much time could I really barter for? The wedding was tomorrow. Tomorrow. If speaking to him wasn’t going to make up my mind, then nothing would. I turned the corner. He was there, again. What were the odds? Maybe it was fate after all.
‘Sam?’
He stopped still, his familiar back now inches from my face. Slowly, he turned to face me, looking down with a grin.
‘Jess!’ He looked genuinely pleased to see me, just like the last time we had shared a moment in a supermarket aisle, though perhaps a little less surprised to find me in his city. Basket full, he leaned in for an awkward embrace. Just two ex-lovers standing in Woolies, one about to be married, the other about to make the strangest pasta bake known to man. Sam looked down at my basket and smiled.
‘Still a great cook then?’ Nothing changes. Except, it totally had. I wasn’t the mess I had been when Sam left me. I wasn’t the mess I had been when he found me here less than two months ago.
‘I’m a-mazing,’ I joked, spare hand on my hip.
‘I’ve heard.’ Sam raised a single eyebrow, clearly meaning more than just my culinary skills. He must know about my paintings, about my meeting with the agent. Either that or he was a massive The Coffee Shop fan. I looked from Sam’s bright green eyes to his basket: sun cream, deodorant, toothpaste.
‘Honeymoon ingredients.’ Sam grinned, apologetically. He had nothing to apologise for. He looked down at his shoes, suddenly sheepish. ‘Jess, I’m sorry about the way I…’
‘Reacted to me pressing my naked body against you?’ I supplied the words he was unable to say. ‘Yeah, you should feel really awful about that,’ I joked. This was ridiculous. He was getting married tomorrow; he shouldn’t be stuck in Woolies apologising to an ex-girlfriend. He should be moving on. I should be moving on too.
‘No,’ Sam said. ‘I’m sorry if I, erm… led you on in any way…’ Sam shiftily looked behind me to a lingering woman who didn’t need to be taking so long to place some Doritos in her basket. Nothing like the word ‘naked’ to warrant some unwanted attention.
‘Erm… are you in a rush?’ Sam nodded towards the doors. ‘I’ve got half an hour or so before Jamie’s picking me up to do one final check of the venue.’
For a moment, I looked wistfully towards the freezer section lining the back of the aisle.
‘Sure,’ I replied, a little less than sure. ‘I’ve got a few minutes.’
Paying up and walking out onto the high street, we strolled in silence in the only direction I knew was right: towards the sea. Single man or married, Sam was like a moth to a flame and if my time in Sydney had taught me anything, I now knew why. Looking across the golden sand coming into view, picked up and pushed around by the waves, I felt my heart starting to settle. I waited patiently for Sam to speak before remembering that I’d already waited for him for far too long.
‘I’m sorry too, Sam,’ I said, not taking my eyes off the blue expanse before us. For that night, for not telling you the truth, for trying to mess things up with you and Jamie, for making you my everything. Stopping to sit on the Coogee Bay steps, he looked at me, that familiar face I had written on every page of my future. How could he possibly live up to everything I had hoped for us? I had set us both up for a fall.
‘It’s okay, Jess.’ Sam gave me a little smile. ‘You were bladdered; I know you didn’t mean to.’
‘It’s not just that,’ I said. ‘I put so much pressure on you. I was so sure you were the one, so sure the one even existed.’ I knew I should probably be holding back the words, but after so long I had nothing to lose. ‘After you left I just didn’t believe it was the end. I’d believed in us so much that when I saw you here, I just thought maybe… and I got it all wrong… and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.’
‘You didn’t get it all wrong,’ Sam said.
I turned to look at him.
‘Jess, when I saw you again,’ he went on, clearly struggling to find the right words, ‘I was so excited. It was you, Jess, after all this time.’ He smiled like the man I had loved. ‘Honestly, after we broke up there was so much I wanted to tell you, so much I wanted to share. But I couldn’t. I knew it wasn’t fair. I knew you needed to move on. But when I saw you it was like the years of bottling all that up came flooding out and I… I… It was like I’d got my best friend back.’ Sam wasn’t one for emotions, but I could have sworn I saw his eyes become a little bit fuller, a little bit wetter.
‘So, I invited you back and I just wanted to spend time with you but then you were just the same and I…’ I was just the same. And he had changed, grown so much. ‘And I remembered what it was like to be with you, to be us. To feel so young.’ He was right. We were both so young. ‘And I freaked. I’m getting married, for goodness’ sake.’ He looked out across the ocean and breathed deeply. ‘You screwed with my mind, Jessica.’ He turned back to me and smiled, not a hint of malice in his words. ‘It was like my past and my future were colliding – I even started to think maybe God was trying to tell me something.’ He laughed. ‘And then there was the thing with Joshua, and I found myself getting jealous—’
‘Joshua?’ I interjected, confused. ‘There was no thing with Joshua,’ I corrected. Not really, anyway. Not yet. I couldn’t believe he’d been jealous too. After all the time I had been cursing flawless Jamie.
‘There could be,’ Sam said. ‘If you wanted to… he invited you to the wedding, didn’t he?’ Sam raised an eyebrow, all-telling. I smiled and shrugged, taking a tiny bit of pride in watching my ex-boyfriend squirm. Joshua was lovely, sure. But he would always be Jamie’s brother, and she would always be my ex-boyfriend’s wife.
‘I guess we both screwed up.’ I sighed, turning to look out across the ocean. I smiled. I felt tired, but the tired you feel when you’ve accomplished something, like you’ve come to end of a really long run, or a really hard surf.
‘Yeah, got a bit caught up in the past, I guess. A bit stuck.’ He looked down to trace a finger through the sand.
‘And now?’ I asked, as his eyes returned to me. ‘How do you feel now?’
‘Excited. And you?’
I grinned from ear to ear. Excited. After all this time, Sam and I felt exactly the same, finally on the same page again. A laugh escaped as I tried to get my head around how different that page was from the one I had been trying to write. But I had never been a writer, or a journalist. I was a messy artist, living outside the lines. I was pretty sure I’d never believe what Sam believed, but I knew for a fact this moment, our being here, our chance encounter, it had all happened for a reason.
‘So, are you going to come?’ he asked. He just wanted his friend back. But things had changed now. He had changed. I had changed. Maybe I wasn’t the only one who was struggling to let go of the past. Maybe we both needed to finally move on.
‘I think you’ll do fine without me.’ I put an arm around him and gave him a little squeeze and he pulled me into his warm embrace.
‘I think you’ll do fine without me too,’ Sam muttered into my hair quietly. Looking out across the ocean, I knew for sure that I would.
The minutes stretched on, until Sam’s phone buzzed and he got to his feet.
‘Jamie’s just pulling up.’ He cocked his head to look down at me and smiled. ‘Want us to drop you off at home?’ It was nice that he’d called it my home, though we both knew it wasn’t.
‘Nah.’ I looked up at his wide green eyes. ‘I think I’m just going to chill out for a bit.’ I looked down at my bare feet, pressing them further into the sand. He nodded and grinned again, and without speaking, turned to walk away. For once, there was nothing left to say. I turned my head to watch him take the few short strides across the pavement towards the edge of the road. Sam’s car pulled into view, Jamie behind the wheel. Sam opened the door to the passenger seat and got in. Through the gap in the open door, Jamie’s eyes locked on mine, her perfect smile warm and kind. Turning the key in the ignition, she leaned forward to look over Sam’s body and lifted her hand to give me a little wave – the wave of a white flag.
The Spare Bedroom: A totally heartwarming, funny and feel good romantic comedy Page 30