by Jan Drexler
“Love isn’t always a choice. You said you loved him once, and you thought he loved you. It could happen again.”
Bethany leaned against the counter. “But it won’t. Andrew can’t love me, because he still loves Lily. And he has Mari to remind him of her every day. I don’t want to take Lily’s place. I don’t want to be his second choice.”
Lovina’s voice softened. “And you don’t want to risk his rejection again.” She patted the chair next to her and Bethany sat down again. “But just because he pushed you away then doesn’t mean he would now.”
The memory of her lips touching Andrew’s smooth cheek rushed back. The scent of his shaving soap was strong as she had leaned close to him, waiting for his arm to clasp her close. Waiting for him to return the kiss. Her love for him had overflowed that day, but he had pushed her away, his face red. Then he had laughed at her dunking in the creek. She had been so embarrassed, even as she had run to Lovina for comfort. She would never risk her heart that way again.
“He won’t get the chance.” Bethany looked at Lovina. “I’ll be his housekeeper and his daughter’s mother. We’ll have a good life together, and a good marriage. Mari will grow up, get married, and we’ll love our grandchildren. But I will never make the mistake of trying to kiss him again.”
“But marriage is more than just a friendship—”
“Aren’t you and Noah friends?”
Lovina nodded. “He’s my best friend. I don’t know what I’d ever do without him.”
“And that’s the way Andrew and I will be. Best friends and partners.”
“But there is so much more...”
Lovina’s voice faded as Bethany shook her head. “Not in our marriage. But that’s all right.” She shrugged her shoulders. “We’ll be happy, won’t we?”
She ignored her friend’s doubtful look as she finished her water.
* * *
Andrew felt like he was back in Iowa on his first Sunday home. It was a nonchurch Sunday for their community, and the other members would be visiting friends and relatives, taking advantage of the good weather to strengthen the bonds of fellowship.
But their Iowa church was different, maintaining that Sunday afternoons, whether a church day or not, should be spent at home. Activities were limited to resting, reading, or spending time in meditation of the previous week’s sermons. Andrew had always thought that Rose’s husband, Lemuel, had been the one to institute this practice in the Iowa community because Rose had always been most adamant in following it.
On this afternoon, Andrew was happy to rest from his normal work. The week had been tiring and eventful, and he hadn’t slept well the night before. After a cold dinner of sliced ham and canned peaches, he was ready to nap, as was Mari. But as he carried the sleepy girl toward her bedroom on the second floor, Rose called to him.
“After you put Mari to bed, come into the sitting room. I want to talk to you about something.”
By the time he came back downstairs, Rose was seated in Mamm’s rocking chair, tapping her fingers on the arm as she gazed out the front window. He sat in Daed’s armchair, placed near the rocking chair. Mamm and Daed had often sat here in the evening, especially in the winter. He never knew what they found to talk about, but they kept the chairs close enough together so that Daed could grasp Mamm’s hand if he wanted to. Andrew closed his eyes at the memory, suddenly feeling the empty coldness of the house he loved so much.
Rose shifted in her chair. “You know I want to take Mari back to Iowa with me. It’s where she belongs.”
“She doesn’t belong in Iowa.” Andrew rubbed his finger along the side of his nose. “She belongs with me.”
“Then you should come back to Iowa. Forget about this broken-down farm and come home with me.”
Andrew leaned on his knees and watched as he placed his fingertips together, matching his left hand to his right. “This farm can be productive with some work. We have a good well, and a spring, and there is plenty of water in the lakes and farm ponds around us. Iowa is still in the grips of the drought.”
Rose crossed her arms. “The drought will be over soon. We’ve never had a drought last longer than two years. And once it starts raining again, then the Iowa farmland will be much more productive than this place. You just need to be patient.”
“That dust storm last month took all our topsoil away with it, plus the seeds we had just planted. There is nothing there for me anymore.”
Rose was silent for a long minute while the sound of voices from the Zook farm across the road filtered through the open windows.
“Lily is there.”
Andrew almost missed her whisper, it was so quiet. “Rose, Lily isn’t there.”
“Memories of her are.” A single tear found its way down Rose’s cheek.
“I don’t need to be in Iowa to remember Lily.” Andrew laid his hand on Rose’s where it rested on the arm of the rocking chair. “Mari and I are going to stay here.”
Rose sighed. “All right, then. If you’re going to stay here, I will, too. You don’t need to marry that girl.”
“I’m not going to change my mind. Mari needs a mother.”
“You know how I would love to raise her...”
“She also needs a grandmother.”
Rose’s quivering chin stilled, and she turned a steel gaze on Andrew. Any signs of tears had disappeared. “You know I can be both. She needs me.”
His stomach churning, Andrew caught himself before he nodded in agreement against his will. Lily had warned him of this. She had made him promise that if anything happened to her, he wouldn’t let Rose raise Mari the way she had raised Lily. She had told him how Rose’s love was genuine, but it was smothering. She didn’t want her children growing up the same way she had, always afraid of the consequences of standing up for themselves. And now, Andrew was in the situation neither of them thought would ever be possible. He had to stand up to Rose for Mari’s sake, no matter what the results might be.
“She needs a mother who is closer to Lily’s age. Someone who can fill her shoes.”
Rose’s eyebrows lifted in disbelief. “That girl can never take my Lily’s place, not in this family. She will never be your wife or Mari’s mother. I forbid it.”
“It isn’t your choice. It’s mine.”
The older woman turned her gaze back to the window. “Be careful how you step, Andrew. You know how often your decisions turn out to be the wrong ones.”
Andrew closed his fists, willing himself to control his feelings, to keep from lashing back at her with a biting comment. She is older, he reminded himself. She recently lost her daughter and is grieving. He waited to feel something for his mother-in-law. Forgiveness? He would have to work on that. Pity? Ja, for sure, he pitied her. But he wouldn’t let his pity stand in the way of protecting his daughter.
“Is that Jonah Zook coming up the lane on a Sunday?”
Andrew stood, relieved that he had an excuse to leave the room. “I’ll talk to him outside so he doesn’t disturb your rest.”
“He should know better than to do something so frivolous on a Sunday. I didn’t know this community was so easygoing with the Ordnung...”
Rose was still talking when Andrew went out the kitchen door, careful not to let the screen slam behind him.
“How are things going with Rose?” Jonah asked as he walked away from the house with Andrew, out of earshot.
Andrew sighed. “I don’t want to be critical, but Rose can be difficult.”
Jonah nodded as if Andrew’s words were what he expected to hear. “I got that idea yesterday. Is she the reason we haven’t seen you over at our place this afternoon? The Schrocks are there, and Noah was looking forward to visiting with you.”
An easy excuse could be that Rose was tired from her trip, but that wasn’t the true reason they had stayed home. “Rose believes that non
church Sundays should be spent at home.”
Jonah crossed his arms and tapped pursed lips with his forefinger. “That’s the way the church in Iowa does things?”
“I’ve missed the way we do things here. It doesn’t seem right to neglect seeing other folks on nonchurch Sundays.”
“Maybe I’ll stop and visit with Rose. Meanwhile, why don’t you go and join the others? Rose and I can take care of Mari.”
Even though Rose would probably give him a stern lecture, Andrew couldn’t keep from grinning. “I’ll take you up on that offer. I’m afraid I’m sending you into a lion’s den, though. Rose wasn’t happy when she saw you coming up the lane.”
Laughing, Jonah patted Andrew’s shoulder. “Don’t worry about me. I can hold my own when it comes to a woman like Rose.”
Andrew left before Jonah could change his mind. As he turned from the lane onto the road, he glanced back at the window. Jonah had taken Daed’s chair and was gesturing as he and Rose talked. He wouldn’t trade places with Jonah right now, but the older man had volunteered. Andrew couldn’t help wondering if Jonah really knew what kind of scolding he was in for.
Chapter Five
Thursday morning was wet and dripping. A thunderstorm had moved in through during the night, and the rain following it had continued until dawn.
“It’s a good rain, and we needed it,” Daed said as he sat at the table while Bethany washed dishes after breakfast. “It looks like it will clear up in time for the wedding, though. The boys are clearing out the barn to make room for the extra horses just in case it doesn’t.”
Bethany’s stomach lurched at the thought. Today was her wedding day. She glanced out the window as she put a stack of plates in the dishwater. “It’s nothing but a gray, dreary morning. I wish it was sunny.”
“Come sit down.” Daed pulled a chair away from the table. “Let the dishes soak for a few minutes.”
“But Daed, I have so much work to do.”
“Then it’s even more important that you sit down for a few minutes. Find some peace before you start the day. You barely sat down for breakfast.”
Bethany slouched in the chair. “I wasn’t hungry.” Her stomach lurched again. What if she was ill? Would they call off the wedding?
“Today is your wedding day.” Daed smiled at her, as if it was the happiest day of his life.
“Ja, I know. That’s why I have to get to work.” Bethany started to stand, but Daed caught her hand and pulled her back to the chair.
“If I didn’t know better, I’d think you didn’t want to get married.”
A sigh escaped and Daed got up to pour a cup of coffee for her. When he set it in front of her, she wrapped her hands around the white ironware cup, welcoming the warmth that seeped into her chilly fingers.
“It isn’t that I don’t want to get married, but this isn’t the way I imagined it would be.”
Daed took a sip of his coffee. “Things in life are rarely the way we think they will be. I remember your mamm on our wedding day, telling me we would have a dozen children.” Daed smiled, a faraway look in his eyes as he remembered. “We were going to have a boy first, then a girl. She had it all planned out.”
Bethany closed her eyes and remembered Mamm’s calm, gentle face. Her faith and her trust in the Lord had never wavered in all the years Bethany had known her. “Was she disappointed when I was born and wasn’t a boy?”
Daed chuckled. “Not at all. You were the prettiest baby we had ever seen. Your mamm took one look at you and said, ‘Well, Jonah, it looks like we’ll have to have a boy the next time, because I’m not giving this one back.’”
Taking a sip of the hot coffee, Bethany smiled. “I miss her so much, but I love remembering what she was like.”
“So do I.” Daed turned his cup around. “You’re not regretting your decision to marry Andrew, are you? It isn’t too late to change your mind.”
Bethany had wrestled with that very question through the long hours of the night as she listened to the thunder and the rain. “I don’t regret it. But I think I wish the wedding was already over. I don’t want to stand in front of all those people...”
“All those people are our friends and family. People you’ve known all your life.”
“I know, but I’m still nervous.”
“Andrew is a good man. He’ll always take good care of you.”
“I know that. I’m not worried about Andrew, or even being Mari’s mother.” Bethany turned her own cup around, then wrapped her cold fingers around it again. “I think I’m more worried about what other people will think. Andrew only returned home last week, and now we’re getting married already. Folks will wonder about that.”
“Let them wonder. After a few months or a few years, no one will remember the circumstances.”
“And then there’s Rose—” Bethany’s voice broke. That was the center of what was bothering her. Andrew hadn’t stood up to Rose, and it didn’t look like he was going to. It looked like Rose might end up as the man of the house instead of Andrew.
“Don’t worry about Rose. You’ll learn to get along with her. I wish she would move into the Dawdi Haus, but she is a determined woman.”
Bethany couldn’t look at Daed, but she had to know. “Now that you’ve met her, do you really think I’m like her?”
Daed studied his empty cup, turning it in his hands. “I don’t think we’ve seen what Rose is really like. I think she’s grieving the loss of her daughter and she is doing everything she can to make her life normal again. We need to be patient with her. Spending time with Mari will help, I think.”
“I’m afraid that she’s going to make our lives miserable.”
“Not if you don’t let her.” Daed squeezed her shoulder as he got up and put his cup on the kitchen counter. “You can be just as stubborn as she is. Love her and show her that she’s welcome in your home. You might be surprised at how well things might turn out.” He peered out the window. “The sky is even clearing up. It looks like it will be a fine day.”
After Daed went out to the barn, Bethany finished the dishes. She had put casseroles in the oven for the wedding dinner early in the morning, and others from the church had told her they would bring what they could. Her brothers had pushed back the walls of the downstairs to open the rooms for the church service and wedding ceremony, and everything was as clean as she could make it.
After she put potatoes on the stove to boil, she went into her bedroom to pack the rest of her things. The bed would go with her to Andrew’s house, along with the rocking chair that had been her mother’s and the chest full of quilts and other things she had made over the years. Bethany stripped the mattress, folding the quilt and sheets as she went.
When she lifted the pillow to add to the bundle, she fingered the flowers Mamm had embroidered on the edge of the pillowcase. They were purple lilacs, Bethany’s favorite flower, and Bethany remembered when Mamm had given her the beautiful pillowcase for a Christmas present. Bethany had been twelve, and old enough to notice everything Mamm did in the days leading up to Christmas, but somehow Mamm had kept this present a secret until Christmas morning. When had she done the sewing? Late at night after Bethany and her brothers had gone to bed?
Bethany sank down on the bare mattress. This day would be much happier if Mamm was here to share it.
* * *
Andrew escaped from his house as quickly as he could. Breakfast had been another unbearable meal with Rose’s barbed comments about today’s wedding, comparing it to his wedding to Lily almost four years ago. He hoped that things would get better after the wedding was over and done with, but he could never anticipate what Rose would say or do. Once he and Bethany were married, nothing on earth could separate them. But he wasn’t sure that Rose felt like she was bound to those rules.
He walked over to the Zook farm. Jonah had said he could use his spring w
agon, and Bethany had promised to have her things ready to move to his house this morning. She wanted them out of the way before folks started arriving for the wedding.
The wedding.
He felt none of the anticipation and joy that had overwhelmed him when he and Lily had gotten married. That wedding, the beginning of their lives together, had also been his step into adulthood. He was no longer a boy or a youth. He had stopped shaving his beard, he had put his childish ways behind him and had joined the adult men of the church. He had responsibilities. A family. He had looked forward to a future with Lily.
Such a short time with Lily.
This wedding today felt like someone else’s wedding, except he would be the one standing in front of the congregation with the bride. It didn’t seem right that he would be a groom twice in such a short time.
He scratched his beard then smoothed the curly whiskers against his cheeks.
Was Rose right when she said he was making a mistake? Was it wrong to ask Bethany to enter into this marriage with him?
She was willing to do it, there was no mistake about that. And he would do everything he could to make her happy. He knew of marriages that had been built on a shakier foundation than the long friendship he and Bethany had shared, and those folks survived.
He batted away a deerfly and finished hitching the horse to the Jonah’s wagon.
As persistent as the fly, the thought that had been in his mind for the last week came again. Was it enough to survive? Was it enough for Bethany to be Mari’s mother, with nothing more promised in the marriage?
Bethany must have heard him coming and stepped out on the back porch as he drove the short distance from the barn.
“You’re here for my things?”
Her face was pale, and her eyes looked as if she had been crying.
“Ja, for sure.” Andrew jumped down from the wagon seat. “Are your brothers around? They can help load the wagon.”