“I swear, if those men weren’t already arrested, I would kill them,” he mutters darkly.
It’s unusual to hear Jerry so riled up. Most cases, he seems to easily keep a professional distance. Then again, I can see how a case like this is hard to not get emotionally involved in.
“You and me both,” I tell him, not that he seems to be paying much attention. He sounds as though he’s still huffing under his breath.
He hangs up after that, and I can’t get over the feeling that something rattled him. I have never heard much emotion from him, not like that.
“Let’s get some takeout and cuddle up in bed and eat it,” Scarlett suggests. I can’t argue with that brilliant idea.
Takeout ends up being Thai and cuddled in bed ends a mess from dropping food all over ourselves, which leads to the much more fun state—mostly naked together in bed.
I rest my head against her thigh as she sits up reading, her nightlight just a dim glow in the darkened room. I’m too wired to sleep.
“Lettie?” I whisper, loving the way she uses her free hand to brush her fingers through my hair.
“Yeah?”
“Why haven’t you asked me to come with you to New Zealand?”
She’s quiet at first, intensifying my fear.
“Because I know you’ll say no. You’ll want to figure this thing with Sanchez out, and I want you to figure it out. I want to come home and feel safe. Besides, if you come with me, then my parents will keep being cold to you, and Wally will keep being an ass. We need short visits at first to get them warmed up. A family vacation is sure to be a disaster. And while I normally would tell them to shove it and just suggest we go alone, I need them safe, which means a vacation with my brother and parents like I’m twelve years old again.”
“So, we’re okay, right? You’re not … You’re not second-guessing us?” I bite my lip, my heart pounding, feeling as though it’s powerful enough to crack my ribs.
“No. I want you, Cyn. I care about you and want us to get past this. I just also think we need to have this discussion when we both have clear heads. Right now, your judgement and feelings are clouded by this need to protect me, and mine are likely clouded, too, but from my own fear. I want us to have clear heads and hearts when we have this discussion.”
“You think one of us might change our minds?”
“No, not really. But I want to be sure. I want us to start out on the right foot, and I don’t want something to come up later because we rushed into this now.”
I nod against her thigh, understanding her words, even if I wish she could give me more.
“I’m going to miss you,” I admit, feeling her eyes boring into me. I turn my head and glance up at her, showing her how much I mean it.
“And I’m going to miss you, too.”
I settle back against her leg as she stokes my hair again. My pent-up fears dissipate as I let Scarlett’s words settle deep inside me.
This is going to work out.
It has to.
Chapter 14
I go to the gym early every day after Scarlett leaves. Today is no different. In fact, I have already done two classes before Teagan shows up.
She used to do both early classes with me, but since Michaela’s birth, she hasn’t had much time. Sleep has understandably become a lot more important.
Our third class involves yoga, which we both love, and once that is over, we then begin our wind down on the treadmill. That’s when Sasha and Ava join us.
Ava started off as interested in getting fit. It’s a bit hard not to be motivated when Sasha is always in your face, pushing you. But then Sasha found out she’s pregnant, and after the troubles in getting pregnant, she became incredibly cautious. Therefore, her intense workouts shifted to slow walks on the treadmill. Ava took to this, and now they spend their time as more of a social outing than a reason to exercise.
In our usual formation, I am on the end treadmill, doing a steady jog, my lungs heaving after my excessive workout, my breaths huffing out of me, and sweat dripping over my body. Teagan is next to me, doing a mix between a light jog and a fast-paced walk while looking more dignified than I ever could. Next to her are Sasha and Ava, chatting amicably on the slowest setting, drinking coffee in their to-go mugs and not even breaking a sweat.
“Look at that guy! His arms are as big as all of us combined!” Ava gushes not at all quietly as the man in question flexes as if he can hear her awed words.
The cardio section has a fast beat pumping through the speakers, but nothing too loud since most people bring their own music and headsets. Across from the cardio area is the weights section, which is usually full of men and women who look like they could snap any of us without breaking a sweat.
Whenever I go over there, I always feel like a fraud with my barely visible arm muscles. There is something disheartening that, with every machine I use, I have to take the pin out of the impossibly heavy setting and shift it closer to the top.
Around the corner are closed off rooms where the classes are held. There is a mirror the entire way along the wall, but while the rooms are private, you can glance out to see the main area.
Since this gym is set in a large warehouse, voices carry when it is borderline empty, something Sasha and Ava care little about.
“Forget his arms. Look at the bulge in his pants!” Sasha gushes, fanning herself.
“Are you seriously checking him out?” Teagan gasps, slowing down from her jog to catch her breath.
“Sure. I mean Conner just became single. I got to keep my eye out for him,” she reasons.
“Conner is single?” Ava questions, shifting her eyes over to another man who is grunting like he’s in a cheap porno.
“Yeah, he finally got sick of his most recent bastard. He clearly can’t be trusted to meet a man, so I’m going to do it for him.” Sasha gives an evil smirk.
“Or you could leave him alone,” I suggest, knowing how likely that will go.
“Nope.”
At least she’s honest.
“You can’t base a date on his bulge!” Teagan argues. “You need to talk to the person before you set him up.”
“I know that, but I can base who I talk to on the bulge. I don’t want to set him up with someone who will only disappoint in the bedroom.”
“A big dick doesn’t automatically mean success in the bedroom,” Teagan points out.
I turn my setting up faster to fruitlessly try to escape the conversation. I should be used to it by now. It’s a guarantee that, when I am with the girls, we will either talk about sex, penises or babies.
“Well, in Declan’s case it does!” Sasha proudly gloats.
“Same with Zander,” Ava chimes in.
“Ew, I don’t want to know that,” Sasha cries.
“What do you mean? You already know he’s amazing in bed,” Ava points out.
Sasha adamantly shakes her head. “But we’ve never gone into a size discussion! That is beyond too much information.”
“I recall you harassing Nix over this very thing just last year …” I point out through a few gasps of breath. And yes, I am still in denial that I am being subjected to this discussion.
“That was different because we didn’t know Harvey well then. In fact, other than Teagan, we still sort of don’t. He’s a man of mystery, and that just makes me more curious.”
“So, why can you tell us that Declan is huge and I can’t gloat about my husband’s?” Ava huffs, not from any exercise though. “Zander is the king of the bulge. His pants always show some sort of—”
“I don’t look at Zander’s pants! What are you? Sick? He’s my brother!” Sasha glares at Ava, coming to a stop on the treadmill. I fear she might be about to fall off the end, but fortunately, she begins moving again.
“You have eyes. I’m sure you’ve—”
“No!” Sasha snaps while I secretly smile at Ava for pushing this. It’s always funny to watch Sasha be forced to listen to something that makes her
uncomfortable, especially after all the tough love discussions she forces on us. “I don’t see him that way; therefore, I don’t file away any of that stuff. If I have seen something, I blanked it out.”
“Then you will blank out my talking about him,” Ava states plainly.
“I am a pregnant lady and not afraid to use my fists. Are you sure you want to keep going?” Sasha demands. Though I know she would never lay a finger on any of us, I can see she’s not amused.
“Guys, this is getting us nowhere. Subject change?” Teagan suggests.
“Good idea. So, Cynthia, what is going on with you and Scarlett?” Sasha asks, and all the girls shift their gazes to take me in.
“What do you mean? We’re friends,” I say offhandedly.
That’s a complete understatement. We have spoken every single day since she left for New Zealand, and while it sucks to be away from her for the holidays and New Years, I am excited for her return.
We have been circling our feelings, but when she returns, I am going to lock this down. I love her, and I am not going to wait another day without making sure she is mine.
Emotions and feelings might have been heightened because of her situation, but my feelings haven’t wavered all year. If this was just about our current situation, then I wouldn’t have felt this before.
The question is more of what her feelings will be since the time away. Not that I don’t have a pretty good idea. She has been the one to call me most of the time, which seems to be a pretty clear indicator of her feelings.
“Friends with an ex is never a good idea,” Sasha tells me. “Especially when you’re not over them. Back me up here.” She glances at the others, who seem to be thinking it over.
“I could never be friends with my ex-husband,” Teagan announces, not that this is surprising. Her ex-husband cheated on her with her now ex-best friend. “And my only other serious ex-boyfriend was one I had in high school, and we didn’t have a lot in common.”
“I definitely have no urge to become friends with my ex,” Ava states adamantly. This isn’t news either. Her ex-boyfriend was an incredibly sick and twisted man who enjoyed torturing women. “But I think everyone is different. If Cynthia thinks she can handle it, then I don’t think we should—”
“No fence sitting, guys!” Sasha whines before bringing her attention back to me. “If you’re planning on winning her back, then I can understand. But if she has no intention of taking you back, then you’re just setting yourself up to get hurt. I don’t see the point in that.”
“I’m not going to get hurt,” I defend, knowing we can make this work. I just want to talk to her face-to-face first before announcing my intentions to the girls.
“You might, though, and I hate seeing you hurt,” Sasha tells me quietly, her voice only carrying to the three of us. “I like Scarlett. She seems like a nice person, and I know she made you happy when you were together. But it’s been almost a year since you broke up, and you never got over her. How are you supposed to move on if you’re going to insist on being friends with her?”
“I don’t know,” Teagan interjects when I don’t respond. “Scarlett was all over you that night we all got drunk. I think she might still care a lot for you, Cynthia.”
“I’m not sure I like it. We all lost you after she broke your heart. I don’t think I can stop myself from killing her if she hurts you again,” Sasha whispers, sounding unsteady.
My heart melts a little at her words, knowing she says them from a place of love.
“I appreciate that, Sasha, and I love you, too. But I do still love Scarlett. I never stopped loving her. And I’m scared, too. I’ve never felt this way about someone before. I mean, I lived with and dated Vanessa for three years, yet I never felt half as much as what I do for Scarlett. So yes, I’m terrified; and yes, I have no idea what the future holds for us, and I’m not sure I will get my heart broken.
“But I’ll kick myself if I don’t at least try. I’m not willing to give this up, and if that means I get knocked down again, so be it. When I decided to become a private investigator, I wanted to chase a dream that I had been too afraid to go for before. And I’m not going to have regrets with Scarlett when the possible reward is too high to ignore.”
Teagan smiles in response, while Ava nods her head, looking as determined as I feel.
Relief hits me at seeing and feeling their support, but when I glance at Sasha, I get the feeling I haven’t completely won her over yet.
“Okay, if you’re really sure, then I’ll support you. But if it goes wrong, I reserve the right to hate her.”
“Sasha,” Teagan warns, “that isn’t fair.”
“Sure it is, because there is no way Cynthia could screw this up. That means it’ll be Scarlett breaking Cynthia’s heart, and I’m allowed to hate her for that.”
“This isn’t about you,” Ava tells her gently.
“If it affects one of us, it affects us all. We’re family and best friends. If one of you guys hurt, we all hurt.”
We all take that in, and even though she is talking about possibly hating Scarlett, I can’t help feeling warmed by her declaration.
I never cared that I was an only child. It’s hard to miss what you never had. Plus, most kids seemed to hate their siblings growing up. But being part of a sisterhood, having that unconditional love and support, I’m not sure how I survived so long without it.
“Let’s just see where things lead,” I finally say, my lack of stamina meaning my emotionally choked voice isn’t as noticeable.
Thankfully, they appear happy to change the subject, discussing the latest development on some reality TV show before things swing back toward something I find interesting.
“So, Ava, have you and Zander thought about if you want to try for more kids?” Teagan questions.
It’s almost comical when Sasha and I both swing our heads Ava’s way at the exact same time.
Given the wedding and how much she mooned over Michaela, I think it’s obvious what her answer will be.
She seems to think this over, a dreamy smile touching her lips, which is confirmation enough. “I want more, and I sort of talked Zander into thinking the same. Then Kiera got that head cold, and she was a terror the entire time. So, now I don’t know. I had some big plans to expand my work after Kiera, and I haven’t done any of it. I do want more kids, but I also don’t want to lose sight of my goals. I don’t want to forget who I am.”
“You’re a kickass mother and an awesome web designer. You can be both, and you can let one side shine more than the other without losing it. Priorities change. If it feels good, then it’s never a bad thing,” Sasha tells her, stopping her walk altogether to get her point across.
“Thanks. That’s actually really nice to hear. I don’t know … Sometimes I just worry that I’m losing myself. Don’t get me wrong; I love my babies and a huge part of me wants a million more with Zander, but I don’t want to end up resenting them. They don’t deserve that.”
“You have a wonderful family, Ava, and a beautiful life. While I’m happy Zander has found a woman who makes him so content and happy, I am equally happy at how much he lights up your life. You two are amazing parents, and whether you stop at two kids or have a million more, you both bring out the best in each other, which means you bring the best to the table when it comes to being parents,” Sasha continues to hit us all in the feels.
She seems to think her pregnancy has enabled her to become a human lie detector, but I think this baby has cracked open her heart extra wide.
“Sash, you’re going to make me cry!” Ava wails, already wiping away tears.
“No crying in front of the pregnant lady! You know I cry at the drop of a hat these days,” Sasha whines, also wiping away tears before she glances to her other side and her eyes land on Teagan. “Are you still threatening Joey with those eight kids?”
“Eight! I think my number was more like four. But at this stage, I still want lots, and he said he’s happy to keep
going until I’m ready to stop,” she says with a ridiculously happy smile on her lips.
“He just likes the whole practicing for a kid,” Sasha points out.
Teagan laughs then teases us with her next words. “We both like the practicing part. How about you and Dec? You want a big family?”
“I would like more kids, but this one wasn’t easy to get.” She wraps her arm gently around her bump. “We had a lot of trouble getting pregnant, and I’m not sure the process brought out the best in either of us. It was a lot of strain and pressure.”
“You never really spoke about it,” Ava says quietly.
I slow my speed down to make sure I can give Sasha the attention this deserves.
None of us realized that Declan and Sasha were having problems conceiving. I’m sure there were even friendly jabs about them taking so long, none of us knowing the real reason. By the time we figured out there was a problem, Sasha was finally pregnant, and then we all got wrapped up in celebrating with them.
“I know. It … It was hard to bring it up when you guys kept getting knocked up so easily. I never thought we would have difficulty until we started to actually try. Then I started to feel like a failure.”
Ava turns off her machine then turns to face Sasha, reaching out for her. “We’d never think of you as a failure. Not everyone who wants to have babies can carry them. There is nothing to be ashamed of because of that. There is nothing wrong with you.”
“I know, and it isn’t that I thought you guys would judge me. It was just about getting past it in my own mind. I know if I need to lean on you, you guys would be there for me.”
“Always,” Teagan promises, slowing down enough to touch Sasha from the other side.
Sasha smiles at us before she shrugs off the attention. “Well, our little miracle is here now, and I just know he or she is going to be a force to be reckoned with. If they’re anything like me, then we’re going to have our hands full.”
“You got that right. I’m so excited to meet your little baby, and also completely terrified,” Ava says, breaking the tense mood and gaining laughs from us all.
I Blackmailed Her Brother Page 21