Then she rose and went to her rooms to prepare for her long ordeal in the desert.
Chapter Sixteen
Merrick rapped lightly on Elise’s bedroom door. It was still closed and locked, just as it had been since the night before. “Elise? We’re in orbit and set to land. I’m sorry baby, but you have to come out now. It’s not safe unless you’re strapped in.”
There was a long silence and he began to wonder if she’d heard him or not. He was raising his hand to knock again when the panel slid open and she appeared. Merrick drew in a breath at the sight of her.
She was wearing a long sleeved turtleneck sweater that covered her all the way down to her wrists and completely hid her slender throat from view. Her slacks were also long and thick and she wore black high-heeled boots on her feet.
But though her outfit was strange—not to mention completely inappropriate for the jungle climate of Rageron—it was her face that Merrick was looking at—or trying to, anyway. Her hair was loose around her shoulders, hiding most of her from him. But when she did look up, very briefly, he saw dark circles under her brown eyes and knew she’d been as sleepless as he had, ever since their last encounter.
“Elise?” he asked, making her name a question. “Are you all right, baby?” It was the same question he’d been asking ever since she’d run from him and locked herself in her room the night before. And, to his frustration, Elise gave him the exact same answer.
“Fine. I’m fine.”
She tried to duck under his arm and head for the front of the ship but Merrick caught her and held her, gently but firmly, by the shoulders.
“Enough of this ‘I’m fine’ bullshit,” he said softly. “Why don’t you tell me what’s really going on? What happened last night? Why did you run away from me?”
Her eyes flicked up to his and then shifted away just as quickly. “I…I can’t talk about it.”
“You mean you won’t talk about it.” Merrick frowned.
“No, I mean I can’t.” She looked up at him, her brown eyes pleading. “Don’t you see, if I do, things will only get worse and they're bad enough already. Please, Merrick, can’t we just forget about it and move on?”
“Forget about it?” He looked at her incredulously. “How the hell am I supposed to do that?” He could still feel her in his arms, naked and soft and perfect. Could still hear her moans in his ears, feel the slick, tight channel of her pussy wrapped around his fingers as he thrust deep inside her, making her come so hard…
“Just put it to the back of your mind,” she snapped, interrupting the hot memory. “Put it away and don’t think about it.”
Merrick clenched his jaw. “Is that what you’re going to do with me once all this is over? Put me away and forget about me? Go back to your idiot fiancé and get on with your life?”
“Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do?” she flared at him. “I mean, isn’t that the plan—to go away and never see each other again after the bond is dissolved?”
“Yeah.” Merrick dropped his hands from her shoulders and stepped back, away from her. “Yeah, I guess it is.”
Elise ran a hand though her hair in obvious frustration. “I’m sorry, Merrick. I shouldn’t have said that. But we also shouldn’t have done…what we did last night. I am still engaged, after all.”
He raised an eyebrow at her. “And that’s why you ran last night? Because you felt so guilty about cheating on fucking James?”
“Yes…yes, of course.” But she wouldn’t meet his eyes and Merrick didn’t believe her, not entirely.
“Really,” he said flatly.
“Yes, really.” She finally looked up at him, her face set in an expression of determination. “And I don’t think we should do it again. Or…or anything like it.”
Merrick frowned. “Have you forgotten why we started in the first place? To feed your hunger. To keep you healthy.”
“Yes, I know.” Elise nodded. “But I feel like I got enough to satisfy me last night. More than enough. I think…I think holding hands for the rest of our trip will probably keep me in balance enough that we don’t have to…don’t have to do anything like that again.”
“Is that fucking right?” Merrick felt rage and hurt and desire all rising inside him. Somehow he managed to choke the emotions down, at least long enough to talk. “Let me tell you something, baby,” he said, his voice going hoarse. “Last night was the best fucking sex I’ve ever had in my life and it wasn’t even really sex. You know why that was? Because it was with you.”
Her eyes went wide and then she looked down, biting her lip. “You…you just think that because of the bond,” she whispered. “It’s a fake emotion, like everything else we feel for each other. It's not real.”
“Isn't it?” Merrick demanded. “Because right now I feel like you reached in my chest with that soft little hand of yours and ripped out my fucking heart. How much realer can it get than that?”
“I…I don’t know.” When she looked up again, her eyes were filled with tears. “I’m sorry, Merrick.”
“Yeah, me too.” He shook his head and turned to head for the front of the ship. “Come on, I’ve already called in to the Rageron com tower. They’re expecting us planet-side.”
“Merrick…” she whispered, but he ignored her.
He headed back up front, not waiting to see if she would follow or not.
* * * * *
Elise couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt so completely miserable. Well, other than her time spent on the Fathership, but she hardly thought of that now, it was in the vault, with everything else. Come to think of it, it was getting pretty crowded in there, with all the things she didn’t want to remember. Sometimes she felt like her real life was in there, behind those badly sealed doors and the existence she led now was completely false.
I’m just skimming the surface, she thought looking down at the too-large harness buckling her in place as Merrick landed their ship. Pretending everything is all right, that I have a normal life. I go to work, I come home, I meet James, we mouth empty pleasantries to each other. I go to bed and wake up and do it all again.
Living inauthentically. That’s what they had called her kind of life in a Philosophy class she’d taken once in college. Pretending everything was fine. Ignoring all the hurt and trauma and madness of the past. It was a coping strategy—one Elise was especially good at. But she found it very hard to keep up around Merrick.
For some reason, the big Kindred seemed to bring the pain of her past to the surface. His very presence threatened to crack her inner vault doors wide open and let out the noxious flood that pressed insistently at the small, walled off corner of her mind she’d designated as untouchable, unthinkable. Elise knew she ought to hate him for being the catalyst that threatened to unleash such a horrific flood.
But she didn’t. She couldn’t. In fact, if she were to allow herself to acknowledge the truth—she felt the exact opposite.
I love him, she thought before she could stop herself. But no, that was stupid. It was just their artificial bond talking. Or was it? Could something that felt this painfully real be completely false? She had never felt this much for James. The thought of marrying him and spending their lives together was vaguely pleasant but it didn’t fill her with rapture or longing. And the idea of being without him didn’t pierce her like an arrow straight to the heart.
She cast a sidelong glance at Merrick who was staring straight ahead at the steering yoke, his face a stony mask. I hurt him, she thought and felt a rush of guilt and pain and shame that was nearly incapacitating. After everything he did for me. After he was so patient and kind and loving. After he made himself vulnerable to me—physically and emotionally—I stomped on his heart and threw it away like trash. God, what’s wrong with me?
But she didn’t have to ask that question—not really. After last night it was obvious what her choices were. Get close to Merrick and watch the door of the vault crack wide and let out everything she’d been suppres
sing, all the memories and hurts and fears she’d been studiously not thinking about for over ten years…or distance herself from the big Kindred and go on living on the surface. Living inauthentically.
The thing was, living inauthentically didn’t hurt the way remembering the past did. Skimming the surface meant she missed a lot of joy…but she missed a lot of pain, too. And Elise just didn’t feel ready to deal with the pain of her past yet. Honestly, she didn’t think she ever would. So she had to keep her distance from Merrick—emotionally and physically. No more hanky-panky. No matter how angrily the hunger roared and raged within her, she was determined that this time she would feed it only enough to keep both herself and Merrick healthy—no more. Holding hands, maybe sleeping close at night—with some clothes on, of course—should take care of her problem, at least until they severed the bond that tied them together. Then she could go back to her life on Earth with James, as though nothing had ever happened.
It was the perfect solution. So why did even thinking about it make her feel like crying?
“Here we are,” Merrick announced and Elise realized they’d finally landed. The scene on the viewscreen had changed from that of a deep blue ball, which was Rageron viewed from space, to the feathery blue fronds of some kind of plant. At least, Elise thought it was a plant. It was hard to be sure.
“All right,” she said as they both began to unstrap themselves from the safety harnesses. “Should we just get our things and go out then?”
“Don’t bring much,” he said briefly. “I’ve arranged to stay with my kin the first night but after that we’ll be trekking through the Deep Blue. Anything you’ve got will just slow you down.”
“Are you related to them on your father’s side or your mother’s side?” Elise asked, trying to make conversation.
Merrick gave her a level look. “Why should you care? It’s not like you’ll ever see them—or me—again, after we get done with this.”
“Merrick, I’m sorry.” Elise longed to explain to him why she was doing what she was doing, but she couldn’t. Any explanation would require talking about the past and she desperately didn’t want to do that. “I’m sorry,” she said again. “But I do care. Please tell me.”
“Fine.” He blew out a breath and ran one large hand over his skull-cut hair. “They’re my father’s kin. His older brothers. They tried to get my mother to stay here after he died but she wouldn’t—she wanted to go back to her home planet of Tranq Prime. I met up with them again when I left there. I stayed here on Rageron for a while, but it’s been years since I saw them last.” He frowned at her. “Now you know a piece of my past. Want to tell me a piece of yours in return?”
Elise shook her head. “No,” she said in a small voice.
“Didn’t think so.” He looked her up and down. “You’re gonna want to change out of those ridiculous clothes, you know. We’re going into the fucking jungle and it’s going to be Goddess-damned hot. You’ll sweat to death in a second in those. Why did you even put them on in the first place?”
Elise bit her lip. How could she explain that she’d put on the least revealing clothes she could find? The set that Olivia’s sister, Sophia, had given her on the off chance they wound up going to a colder world like Tranq Prime? “When you’re with a Kindred, you never can tell where you might end up, she’d told Elise, smiling. And her words were already proving to be true. Elise knew where they were geographically, but emotionally, she was utterly, hopelessly lost. She’d put on the clothes to reveal less, to keep from tempting both Merrick and herself to repeat what had happened the night before.
“Never mind.” Merrick’s face grew hard when she didn’t answer him. “I think I can guess why you put them on. But it’s pointless, baby—I’ve already seen it all, remember?”
With that he turned his back and strode away, leaving her to wonder what the hell she was supposed to wear to go out into the jungle and how she was going to manage a week with him, when they were at each other’s throats all the time.
Chapter Seventeen
“Shuura, Tongs, it’s Goddess-damned good to see you two!” Merrick enveloped his kin in a warm embrace, pounding them on their backs with a fist to show his delight.
The brothers of his father returned the embrace, their golden eyes glowing with fierce joy.
“We thought never to see you again after you left, Merrick.” Shuura, the older of the two spoke quietly. “What brings you back to Rageron after so many years?”
Merrick opened his mouth, trying to think of a way to explain without actually giving anything away, but he was rescued by Tongs.
“Well, he just couldn’t stay away from us. Could you, you little bastard?” It was an affectionate insult which he’d used back when Merrick actually was small compared to the brothers of his father. Now he towered over both of them by more than a foot. But Tongs’ grip on his upper arm was as strong as ever.
It reminded Merrick of when he was a boy and Tongs would challenge him to an arm-wrestling match. He would grunt and strain and gasp and then finally declare that Merrick was just too strong for him and let him win. Merrick had only been a very young child at the time but the game had always delighted him. And he found he was just as delighted to see his kin now, even after so many years had passed.
“Would you introduce us to your female?” Shuura asked and Merrick turned to see Elise standing there at the end of the short gangplank, which extended from the ship like a tongue. She was wearing a much more reasonable outfit—a short dress with straps that went over her shoulders and left her arms bare and a slight pair of open toed sandals. Merrick frowned when he saw those—he’d have to find her some more protective footwear before they went into the Deep Blue. The razor grass would cut her feet to ribbons if she wore those ridiculous things she had on now.
“This is Elise,” he said, lifting a hand toward her. “And she’s not exactly my female but she is under my protection.”
“Pleased to meet you,” Elise said in a soft voice. She stepped forward, holding out her hand. Tongs took it at once and rubbed his cheek against it in the traditional Rageron greeting. He inhaled deeply as he did so. When he released her hand, he raised an eyebrow at Merrick.
“Not your female, hmm? Then why is your scent all over her?”
“It’s a long story,” Merrick growled, feeling a bit less delighted to see his kin. Tongs always had been one to speak his mind.
“And one which should be saved for another time, I’m certain.” Shuura took Elise’s hand and made the same formal greeting. Then he smiled at her. “I hope you’re hungry, my dear. Tongs and I have spent the day cooking and we have a feast fit for a starving yager laid out back at our dwelling.”
“That sounds delightful.” Elise gave him a faint smile. “As a matter of fact, I am rather hungry.”
“Well then, what are we waiting for?” Tongs stepped forward and bowed from the waist, offering his hand.
Elise took it and then gasped in surprise when he immediately swung her up to sit on one of his broad shoulders. “Oh my!” She looked back at Merrick uncertainly. “Um…is this…is he supposed to…”
“Be at ease, my dear,” Shuura said, nodding at her gravely. “Tongs is merely showing you respect.”
“Shuura’s right,” Merrick said, even though the sight of Elise touching another male—even his own kin, in a completely harmless way—made his jaw clench and his stomach tight. “It’s the way they treat honored female guests here on Rageron. Your feet won’t be allowed to touch the ground until we reach their dwelling.”
“Well…” Elise looked down at Tongs who was grinning up at her. “If you don’t think I’m too heavy…”
He laughed. “Too heavy? Of course not—why, you’re tiny.”
Merrick saw the sudden blush that colored Elise’s cheeks and felt his heart clench like a fist. Those had been almost his exact words to her the night before, when he’d invited her to climb up and lie on him. For a moment their eyes met and he kne
w she was remembering too, was reliving that warm, intimate moment when their bodies and souls had touched and held, when their hearts had been perfectly aligned…
Then she turned quickly and settled herself more firmly on Tongs’ shoulder and the moment was gone. Merrick sighed as they tramped through the blue-green grass at the edge of the landing field back in the direction of town. Gods, what a mess…
Irritated with himself for his misery, he tried to forget about his conflict with Elise and renew his acquaintance with the planet he had once called home. Everything looked the same as when he’d left it—wild and untamed. The people of Rageron weren’t great builders—they believed in changing the natural environment as little as possible. Which was why the path to the town zigzagged around trees and boulders rather than running in a straight line. And why several of the houses had trees growing out through the middle of their roofs.
This was a time-honored Rageron tradition. If a sapling took root in the floor of a dwelling, it wasn’t pulled up and killed. Instead, it was watered and, when it grew tall enough, a hole was cut in the roof to accommodate it. Such a house was considered to be blessed by the Goddess and also the lesser jungle gods, and was much envied by others.
The town was surrounded by all three sides by the jungle and on the fourth it was edged by a wide, murmuring purple-blue river. The vegetation was mostly dusky gray-blue or pale sky-blue with a few lavender and light green flowers. Even the dirt underfoot had a bluish cast to it as did the sunlight flooding down from Rageron’s sun which was a blue dwarf star.
Merrick heard Elise and Tongs murmuring together and saw the brother of his father pointing out the houses with trees growing out of them. No doubt he was acquainting her with the local culture and explaining Rageron customs. His hands clenched into fists at his sides. I should be doing that. She ought to be riding on my shoulder. But by disavowing her as his female, he had automatically relinquished that right. There was nothing he could do but walk silently behind and try not to listen.
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