“That’s perfectly all right.” Shuura smiled. “She believes in you, my dear. And I firmly believe she has her hand in this present situation. You’ll see.”
“I’m sure I will,” Elise said, trying to smile. “I really would like a shower,” she added, hoping to end the awkward conversation.
“Of course. Forgive me.” Shuura nodded and, to her great relief, dropped the subject.
He showed Elise to a bathroom almost as big as the living area with a miniature waterfall running down one wall. He explained that the water came from the river outside and flowed back into it as well, so nothing but natural plant extracts could be used as soap and shampoo. These could be found in thin stone and glass vessels that looked like minor works of art to Elise. Comparing them with her own plastic shampoo bottles at home, she thought that the Rageron way was better.
With a few twists of some complicated looking levers, the waterfall was heated before it reached the bathroom and then sprayed outward so she didn’t have to hug the wall to get wet. After showing her some large, flat, absorbent leaves, which appeared to be the Rageron version of towels, Shuura left.
Elise took her time in the shower, enjoying the warm spray over her back, and experimenting with the various plant extracts for cleaning her hair and body. They lathered up beautifully and smelled like an exotic garden in full bloom. Like having the rainforest in a bottle, she thought.
At last she had to admit she was procrastinating—putting off the moment when she would have to dress and go find Merrick. The hunger was like a dull pain in her gut and although she refused to use him simply to satiate her need, she couldn’t help hoping that he would make the first move. She wouldn’t ask for help but if he offered it, she knew she wouldn’t refuse it—she simply wasn’t strong enough.
Finally she couldn’t put it off any longer. Drying off, she pulled on a guest robe Shuura had thoughtfully left her. It was made of some puffy plant fiber which made her feel like she was wearing a coat made of very soft dandelion down. There were slippers to match but they were much too large for her feet. In the end Elise decided to just go barefoot. The grass and flowers carpet was so soft under her bare feet it was like walking on a cloud.
She had opened several doors searching for Merrick without success when Shuura came up noiselessly behind her.
“If you’re looking for Merrick, I put him in the guest sleeping area. It’s just in here,” he said, motioning to a door farther down the hall. “Come.” He opened the door and ushered her inside.
As she stepped into the room, Elise saw that Merrick was lying on his side on a low bed, only about six inches from the ground. Beside him, on the floor, was a bottle half-filled with some milky white liquid which filled the room with a faintly sweet scent.
“Thanks for showing me,” Elise murmured, trying to keep her voice low.
Shuura laughed. “If you’re whispering so you don’t wake him up, don’t bother. Anybody who’s had that much fireflower juice is going to be out of commission for a good long while.”
“Really?” Elise looked at Merrick uncertainly. “You mean he’s drunk?”
“Not drunk so much as deeply asleep,” Shuura said. “But don’t worry—one good thing about fireflower juice is that it doesn’t result in a hangover the next day. So Merrick should be in fine condition to start your trek into the Deep Blue.”
Actually, Elise hadn’t been thinking about the next day so much as her hope that Merrick would make the first move and touch her. Now it looked like that hope was dashed. She would just have to accept that it was going to be a very hungry night.
“Thanks,” she said to Shuura again. “Well, I guess I’d better get to sleep.”
“I guess you should. Good night, my dear.” He nodded in a courtly way and then left, shutting the door behind him.
Elise sighed as she climbed into the low bed. Well, there was nothing to do but go to bed and try to sleep…if the gnawing hunger would let her, that was. It was growing by the hour and she could tell that soon it would turn sexual, as it had before. What was she going to do then? She didn’t want to think about that. Didn’t want to consider what new skeletons another sexual encounter with Merrick might bring out of her vault.
Don’t think about it then. Just sleep. She tried but it was no good—the hunger screamed inside her like a living thing, snarling like a beast that demanded to be fed. If only I could touch him. Even if I just rolled over on my side and spooned him, wrapped my arms around him from behind…no. Elise shook herself, angry at her own weakness. That’s taking without asking. I’m not going to do that. I won’t be that person.
Feeling tired and depressed, she curled up on her other side with her back to Merrick and closed her eyes, waiting for exhaustion to claim her. But though she felt physically, emotionally, and mentally worn out, sleep was a long, long time in coming.
Chapter Eighteen
Merrick woke to the cool blue light pouring through the window slits high on the far wall and thought, “Home.” Or as close to home as he ever came, anyway. He felt momentarily disoriented. What was he doing back on Rageron, anyway? Then he heard a slight stirring behind him and felt a sharp pang of hunger through the artificial bond. Oh right—Elise. The bond. The skrillix.
Artificial or not, the pain she was feeling came through the bond loud and clear and Merrick’s first impulse was to roll over and take her in his arms. He started to do just that…and stopped, remembering the night before.
Despite the fireflower juice, he’d still been awake when she and Shuura came into the room. When Shuura had said he must be asleep, he’d almost spoken up, but then something occurred to him. He knew that Elise was dead set against touching him while he was awake and alert—as long as the touching might lead to something else. But maybe if she thought he was asleep, she would reach out to him.
It was a stupid hope, and he felt angry at himself for being weak enough to have it. But he couldn’t help it. Though he wasn’t afflicted with the hunger that tormented Elise, he still craved her touch, every bit as much as she craved his.
So he lay in the darkness, unmoving, waiting to feel her soft little hand on his skin, hoping against hope that she would come to him if she thought he was asleep…if she didn’t think he was a threat to whatever secret she was keeping from both him and herself. He waited for hours, feeling Elise’s hunger intensify until it was an actual physical pain. But despite the way it had to be ripping her apart, she wouldn’t come to him—wouldn’t even put a hand on his arm. It was as though the few inches between them on the bed was a chasm she couldn’t or wouldn’t cross.
Finally, he’d drifted off to sleep, still untouched. And he’d woken up the same way.
So stupid, Merrick told himself angrily as he blinked in the early morning light. I’m such an idiot, loving a female who doesn’t love me back. Wanting one who’s already spoken for. But the connection between them that one night Elise had let down her guard had been so intense…so right…
Forget it. Forget her. It’s what she’s trying to do with you, isn’t it?
He knew it was true and yet the urge to turn over and hold her was still so strong he had to clench his hands into fists and tense his spine to keep himself in place, to keep himself away…
“Good morning.” Elise’s light, feminine voice cut through the tangled net of desire, anger and longing. “Are, uh, are you up?” She touched him very lightly on the arm and then withdrew at once, as though his skin was red hot and might burn her.
Merrick sighed and did his best to stow the disturbing emotions away. They were going into the Deep Blue today. He needed to be on point—not distracted by his own stupid lovesick feelings.
“Yeah, I’m up.” He sat up and swung his legs out of bed, keeping his back to her. “I, uh, didn’t hear you come in last night. Did you sleep well?” The lie felt wrong in his mouth but he wasn’t about to admit he’d lain awake half the night waiting for her to touch him.
“Like a log,” s
he said lightly.
Liar, thought Merrick. He’d heard her turning restlessly beside him for hours and he could hear the strain in her voice now, no matter how she sought to hide it. But he was through confronting her. If she wanted to pretend nothing was wrong, fine, he’d play along.
“Good to hear it,” he said aloud. “I’m going to grab a shower and then we can get first meal before we go.”
“Great. I’m starved.”
“Really?” Merrick turned to her at last and gave her a penetrating look. He could see at a glance how tired she looked. The dark circles were back under her warm brown eyes and he could feel the hunger rushing through her like a wildfire. She was literally burning with need. But it was clear she wasn’t about to admit it.
“Yes. Breakfast, er, first meal sounds great.” She tried to smile with little success. “Dinner last night was delicious. It’s too bad you missed it.”
“Yeah. A real fucking shame,” Merrick growled. He looked at her hard for a moment longer and at last she had the grace to drop her eyes. But she said nothing. Asked for nothing. Merrick ached to hold her. He told himself if she even lifted a hand to reach out to him, if she twitched so much as a finger in his direction he would take her in his arms and give her what she so clearly and desperately needed.
Elise didn’t move.
He sighed and got up. “Well, I’d better get that shower. We need to get going if we’re going to make any headway before dark.”
“Of course.” Elise wrapped her arms around herself and shivered. “I guess I’ll get dressed. I had my shower last night.”
“Yeah, I smelled…I mean, I can smell Shuura’s special plant wash on you.” Merrick cleared his throat. “Well, I’d better…”
“Yes, of course.” She nodded quickly and he couldn’t help thinking that she wanted him gone.
“See you at first meal,” he growled, and left.
* * * * *
Breakfast passed in a blur of new foods—exotic fruits and some sweet, fresh bread that tasted like oranges and almonds to Elise. She knew she would have loved every bite if the hunger hadn’t been gnawing at her so severely. She wondered if Merrick felt it too—if he sensed it through their bond as he had before. From the penetrating look he’d given her, she was sure he did. But he said nothing about it and she was too proud to mention it herself.
Elise wondered how long the standoff could go on. She wasn’t at the point of hurting him or herself yet. Maybe he would wait until she was in danger before he confronted her again. If only he would reach out to her, hold her hand across the table…but Elise made herself stop thinking that way. She was too afraid to touch Merrick and he was too angry and hurt to touch her. There was no way around it—at least not right now.
After the meal, Shuura and Tongs presented them with supplies and new clothing. “You can’t possibly wear what you had on yesterday into the jungle,” Shuura explained, as he pressed the pile of folded garments into Elise’s arms. “Red won’t do in the Deep Blue and your feet would be cut to ribbons by the razor grass in five steps.”
“Okay.” Elise looked down at the clothing he’d given her. It appeared to consist of a short sleeved, gray-blue tunic made of the same open-weave macramé pattern she’d seen the natives wearing, some black pants, and tough-soled blue leather boots.
“Well, go in your room and put them on,” Tongs urged. He seemed to be in a good mood again, as charming this morning as he had been before the misunderstanding with Merrick the night before. “We want to see you go native.”
“All right.” Trying to smile, Elise did as he said. There was no underwear included in the set so she left her own bra and panties on. They were another gift from Olivia—crimson with black lace. She wondered uneasily if the color would be a problem, but there was a short undershirt of some soft, cotton-like material that went with the tunic so at least her bra didn’t show through the weave. Oh well, she probably wasn’t supposed to wear red because it would show up too much in the blue jungle.
After she dressed, she turned to her new footwear. There were no socks but the boots fit beautifully, molding instantly to her feet in a way that told Elise this was no ordinary leather. She wondered if it was some Kindred invention—as genetic traders, she knew they often modified organic items to fit their needs. The boots came up to her knees, going over the tight black pants and protecting her shins as well as her feet.
When she came out of the room, she got a shock. Merrick was standing there, wearing a male version of her own outfit which he somehow managed to make look completely masculine, despite the delicate macramé-looking vest which left his arms bare. But it wasn’t his clothing that shocked her—it was the fact that his face, arms, and head were painted a deep, indigo blue. His mismatched eyes looking out of the strange mask would have frightened anyone else to death but Elise was simply puzzled.
“What…why…” she began but he simply motioned her over and dipped two fingers into a pot of indigo paste.
“Camouflage,” he said, as he began to smear the cool, faintly medicinal smelling stuff onto her cheeks. Elise started to protest but he gave her a stern look. “Hold still. As pale as you are, you’d stand out a mile in the Deep Blue. This is urgot paste. It’ll keep the bugs off too.”
Elise stood submissively and let him work on her, closing her eyes the better to savor his touch. To be honest, she wouldn’t have cared what he was smearing her with, as long as she got to feel those big, warm hands on her while he did it.
She wondered if Merrick knew how much she needed this, how soothing it felt to have his hands on her. He certainly seemed to be taking his time, smoothing the paste over her face and throat in long, gentle strokes that couldn’t help but remind her of the way he’d touched her pussy…the way he made her come so hard…
The moment the thought entered her mind, the hunger changed, blooming into full-blown lust. Stop thinking of that, Elise told herself, shifting uncomfortably. There’s nothing sexual about this. Merrick is just trying to get me ready to go.
Oh, you’re ready to go, all right, whispered a little voice in her brain. So fucking hot and ready to go you’re about to jump his bones right here, in front of his uncles.
That’s right, Elise remembered, Shuura and Tongs were both standing off to one side, silently watching Merrick coat her with the blue paste. Could they smell her heat, the way Merrick seemed to be able to? Was she putting out signals to the whole room about how hungry she was? An embarrassed blush heated her cheeks and she war grateful that it was invisible under the paste.
“That’s enough,” she snapped, stepping away. “I can do the rest myself.”
The look on his face had been almost open but now it snapped shut again, his eyes going hard and his jaw set. “Fine.” He shoved the pot of blue paste at her. “But hurry, we don’t have all Goddess-damned day.”
Elise smeared the rest of her exposed flesh with the paste, feeling miserable. Why did everything between them have to turn sexual? Why, when letting those feelings come to light was exactly what she was trying to avoid? Inside her the hunger roared like a starving animal which had been given a single bite of life-sustaining food and then deprived of the rest. God, how long could she stand this? As long as I have to, she thought desperately.
She handed the pot back to Merrick silently and he stowed it in the backpack he was wearing. “Well…” He gave her a long look. “Guess we might as well go.”
Elise nodded. “Yes, I guess so.”
“We’ll walk you to the edge of the jungle,” Shuura said diplomatically. “After that, you’re on your own.”
They left the house with its two roof-piercing trees and walked through the town. The native Ragerons watched them silently but every now and then, one of them would touch a single finger to their forehead, lips, and heart and then point to the jungle. The fourth time this happened, Elise asked for an explanation.
“They know you’re going into the Deep Blue,” Tongs explained in a low voice as
they walked.
“How would they know tha—oh, the camouflage. Of course,” Elise murmured. To be honest, she’d almost forgotten she was wearing the blue paste. It seemed to be reaching a powder-like consistency as it dried, almost like the mineral foundation powder she put on when she wore makeup. There was no doubt it was still there, but it was so light she barely felt it.
Another native made the signal Elise had asked about and Shuura spoke up.
“It’s a gesture of respect and protection. I can’t really translate it very well but essentially it means, ‘May the Ancient Ones listen to your mind and heart as well as the words that pass your lips.’”
“Why would they want the Ancient Ones to do that?” The idea of some strange, older-than-God beings getting into her head and listening to the desires of her heart made Elise shiver. She’d had enough of having someone rifle through her private thoughts and memories when she’d been captured by the AllFather, thank you very much.
“Because most people are fucking idiots and what comes out of their mouths is stupid garbage,” Merrick growled. “But the Ancient Ones can read people—figure out their true thoughts and intentions. That ability probably kept more than one fool who wandered into the Deep Blue alive.”
“Are we really going to meet them in there?” Elise felt a cold fist clench in her gut. “How dangerous are they, anyway?”
Merrick turned to study her for a moment. “Very fucking dangerous, but don’t worry, we’re going to try to avoid them. If they find us, keep calm and let me do the talking.”
“But what if they want to do more than talk?” she demanded.
Merrick gave her a long, level look. “If they attack, I’ll protect you. With my life, if necessary.”
Elise felt sick. “Oh, you don’t have to—”
“Yes, I do,” he snapped. “You’re my responsibility. My female to care for and protect…at least until our bond is broken and I have to hand you back over to that son-of–a-bitch who didn’t even know you were missing until after I found you.”
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