“I don’t know.” Elise looked down at her hands. “I don’t think so…but what else can I do?”
“Stay with me,” Merrick said. “We can go wherever you want. I don’t care as long as we’re together.”
“Even without the bond?”
“Even without the bond.” He stroked a strand of hair out of her eyes. “You know it’s not all about that. Even when we dissolve it, I know I’ll still feel for you, baby. Still want you.”
Elise bit her lip. “I feel the same way,” she admitted. “I have for awhile, but I’ve been too afraid to tell you. But Merrick…I don’t think I can.”
“Why not?” He frowned at her. “Look, if it’s because you don’t want to leave your career, I’m okay with that. I’ll come down to Earth with you. Now that the Scourge threat is lifted, the Council has approved cohabitation of Kindred and their brides on Earth.”
“It’s not that.” Elise looked down at her hands. “What we just did was wonderful, but I don’t know…don’t know if I could ever go farther. If I could ever do more.” She sighed. “I think I was able to go so far because letting you, um, taste me, wasn’t…didn’t trigger anything from my past. But doing anything else…well, I just don’t know.” She looked up at Merrick. “Do you understand? It wouldn’t be fair to you to ask you to deal with all my crap. You don’t need the baggage I bring.”
Merrick sighed and she felt his frustration, surging through their bond. “Yes, I do! If it’s yours, if it comes with you, I want it. Don’t you understand, baby? I want all of you. The good and the bad.”
“That’s very kind of you to say, but I don’t know how you’d feel if you knew…” Elise broke off, shaking her head.
“If I knew what?” Merrick sat up abruptly and faced her. “Maybe if you’d tell me, if you’d just talk about it, there wouldn’t be so Goddess-damned much ‘baggage’ to deal with.”
Elise felt cold all over. “I thought you said you’d never ask me to remember pain I wanted to forget.”
Merrick pinched the bridge of his nose as though trying to drive back a headache. “I know, baby, and I don’t want you to have to remember something that brings you so much pain. But sometimes the only way to get over something is to go through it. If you could just trust me—”
“I do trust you,” Elise whispered, taking his hand. “As much as I can trust anyone. And I want to stay with you, Merrick. I’m just not sure if I should.”
“Well, I’m sure.” He raised her hand to his lips and placed a sweet, hot kiss on her palm. “Damn sure. You belong with me and you know it. Now come on, say we’ll stay together.”
Elise bit her lip. Her heart wanted what Merrick was offering so badly she could nearly taste it. But her gut warned that she should be careful, that there were monsters in her past that could drive even a love as strong as Merrick’s away. She sighed. Just once she wanted to listen to her heart. Just once she wanted to give in to emotion and let herself be carried away.
“Say it,” Merrick urged again, softly. “Let me hear you say it, baby.”
Elise couldn’t help herself—her heart won out. “All right,” she whispered. “I’ll stay with you. Or you can stay with me if you really think you wouldn’t mind living on Earth.”
“Baby, I’ll live anywhere as long as you’re there,” he murmured.
“Oh, Merrick,” she breathed. The sincerity of his love for her came through their bond loud and clear and she couldn’t help wondering what she had done to deserve such devotion. She looked up at him, losing herself in his strange but compelling eyes, letting herself drift forward for a kiss. Merrick pulled her close, his mouth descending to hers and Elise thought her heart would burst when their lips met. “Merrick,” she whispered, pulling away just a little. “I lo—”
Suddenly the wooden door to the room banged open and Mother Healer appeared in the doorway. “Well,” she said, surveying them coolly. “I see it didn’t take you long to gain your antidote, Kindred.”
Elise gave a little gasp and scrambled for her robe. “Mother Healer…I…we…”
“Never mind your fumblings and mumblings,” the old woman snapped. “I don’t care what the two of you do in here as long as it isn’t more blasphemy. But I thought you should know the evening meal is prepared.” She nodded at Merrick. “I’m sure you’re hungry. You can’t live on female life-essence alone.”
“Wouldn’t mind trying though,” he growled, throwing Elise a look that made her blush.
“Thank you, Mother-Healer,” she managed, still clutching the robe to her chest. “We…we’ll be out in a minute.”
The old woman frowned. “See that you don’t take too long, girl-child. The sipva stew will grow cold. And after you eat, the two of you have to start the purification ceremonies.”
“Purification ceremonies? Why the hell for?” Merrick demanded.
The old woman raised one snowy white eyebrow. “Why, so you can appear before the Elders and plead your case. This time tomorrow eventide you may be pleading for your very lives—it’s best to be pure in case things don’t go your way and the Elders judge you ready to enter eternity.”
Then she banged the door shut as suddenly as she had opened it and was gone.
Chapter Twenty-eight
“Lissa? Lissa, are you all right?”
Lissa swam upward, slipping the bonds of sleep, which gripped her like cold hands. She groped toward the light and the strangely familiar voice. Someone was calling her name. Someone she cared for very much. At last she opened her eyes.
“Moch Daer?” she whispered through numb lips. “Saber…is that you?”
“No, Lissa, it’s just me.” The lady Nadiah pressed her hand gently. “It’s so good to see you awake—you’ve been out for days.”
“Oh…” Lissa couldn’t control the wave of disappointment that washed over her. So her vision of Saber had been just that—a vision. A mirage brought on by the fierce, unrelenting heat of the desert and her own wishful thinking.
“Are you all right?” Nadiah looked at her anxiously. “You look so sad.”
“Forgive me, my lady. I…I thought you were Saber,” Lissa whispered, blinking back tears. “I had a dream of him in the desert. A dream so sweet, so real…but I see now it was only a fantasy concocted in my own addled brain.”
“It was no dream.” A new voice caused Lissa to whip her head to the left. To her shock, she saw Saber standing there in the flesh, just as she remembered him.
“Saber?” she whispered. “I must be dreaming again.”
Nadiah laughed. “It’s not a dream. Saber and his crew are the ones who brought you in.” She winked slyly at Lissa. “He hasn’t left your side for days.”
“Oh…I…” Lissa shook her head, uncertain of what to say. Clearly the lady Nadiah meant to be encouraging, although it was wrong of her to encourage any sort of romantic gesture between two of the same clan—essentially a brother and sister.
Saber cleared his throat, looking as uncomfortable as Lissa felt. “I wanted to be certain you were all right, my sister,” he said, speaking formally, as though they were greeting each other back on Tarsia. “It was the least I could do for a member of my clan and family.”
“Of course, my brother,” Lissa answered numbly. “I thank you for your assistance.”
Saber nodded gravely. “I was glad to render it.”
The lady Nadiah looked between the two of them, frowning. “Okaaaay, I’m not exactly certain what’s going on, but I think the two of you should stop acting like strangers. It’s obvious you care about each other, so stop being so stiff and formal.”
“Forgive me.” Lissa looked down at her hands. “Thank you for saving my life, Saber. How…how did you come to be here on First World, anyway?”
“I’m here seeking the Councilor's good will and acknowledgement of the Touch Kindred as a people,” he said.
“And he made a good start, saving our new high priestess from dehydration,” Nadiah said brightly. “Well, L
issa, now that I know you’re all right, I need to go check on a few things. A lot has happened while you’ve been out.”
“I’ll go with you. I’ve neglected my duties long enough.” Lissa struggled to get out of bed but she was too weak to do much more than sit up.
“I don’t think so.” Nadiah pushed her back gently but firmly. “You need more time to recover. So why don’t you just stay here and catch up with your, er, your…brother.” She frowned, looking vexed, as though she wished she could have put it differently, but really, there was no other name that fit Saber’s relationship to Lissa.
Lissa bowed her head again. “Very well, my lady.”
“I’ll come back and check on you later.” Nadiah patted her knee, swathed beneath a light coverlet. “Have fun, you two.” And then she was gone, swishing out of Lissa’s small bedchamber with a swirl of white robes.
Lissa couldn’t look down for long. She found that her eyes kept returning to Saber’s face. To his deep hazel eyes with their flecks of green and gold, his tousled brown hair that always looked as though he’d been running both hands through it.
He’d been watching Nadiah walk away but now those gorgeous eyes of his flicked back and caught Lissa staring. “You keep looking at me, Lissa,” he murmured. “Are you that upset to see me?”
“Oh no, of course not!” she protested. “It’s just…I’ve dreamed about you so many times, I can’t believe you’re real. I keep asking myself if you’re not just another dream.”
“I asked myself the same question about you when I found you in the desert,” he admitted in a low voice. “We weren’t going to stop at that oasis, you know, but my secondary drive core was overheating—the guidance system indicated it as the closest source of water. My first mate wanted to push on and try to make the area around the holy mountain but I said no. I felt…I don’t know why I felt we had to stop. But when I saw you lying there in the sand, I knew.” He shook his head. “What were you doing out in the desert alone and so…so unprotected?”
In a flash, Lissa remembered how he’d found her—Naked, I was completely naked! Oh my Goddess, the shame… “Forgive me,” she said miserably, her cheeks growing hot. “I…I was showing respect at the passing of the last high priestess. I did not intend for anyone to see me.” She looked up at him timidly. “Did the rest of your…your crew…?”
“I took off my shirt and covered you at once.” Saber’s cheeks were a dull red. “I could not let them another male see my little sister so.” He frowned at Lissa. “But as for honoring the old priestess…that isn’t what you told me when I found you. You said something about searching for forgiveness…redemption. What did you mean?”
“I…I…” Lissa’s heart pounded in her chest. She couldn’t let him know that she still had feelings for him. Couldn’t let him know that her own forbidden love for him was what had really driven her naked into the desert. It was too shameful. Too wrong. “I don’t know what I said,” she answered at last. “I…I must have been delirious.”
Saber stared piercingly at her face for an instant and she felt that he must be able to read the lie in her eyes. But at last he nodded and looked away. “I see.”
You don’t see anything, Lissa thought miserably. You don’t know that I still love you even though I must not. You don’t know the evil rooted in my heart, which now flourishes again at the mere sight of you. She sighed. It was useless to love him anyway. Doubtless he was joined to some other girl by now. He might even have taken his father’s place as Over Chief.
“So,” she said, struggling to make her voice sound normal. “An ambassador to the Councilor—your parents and bride must be so proud.”
“I have no bride. No female to call my own.” Saber looked away, his eyes dark. “My mother and father tried to force me to take one after…after you left, but I refused every female they threw at me. I think…” He cleared his throat. “Think they’ve finally accepted the fact that I’m not interested.”
Lissa’s heart leapt in her chest but she tried to keep her face calm. “I see. But…can you be Over Chief with no female by your side?”
Saber sighed. “There’s no law against it, though Pape’ says the people of the clans trust and respect a chief with a bride and a family more.” He looked up at Lissa. “I told him I didn’t want those things. That I would follow in his footsteps only if he stopped pressuring me to take a bride I didn’t love.”
“Oh…” Lissa didn’t know what to say. “Oh, Saber, I—”
“Don’t worry,” he interrupted, his voice going suddenly harsh. “I’m not here to repeat the mistake I made three cycles ago. I know you want nothing to do with me, Lissa. And I know…” He coughed and looked down at his hands. “Know that what we wanted, what we tried to do, was wrong. I…you’re my sister. I should never—”
“I shouldn’t have either,” Lissa burst out. “I never should have allowed myself to have those kinds of…of feelings for a male of my tribe and family. It was I who entered into the shame and wrongful doing.”
“If you entered then I was the one who led you there,” Saber said in a low voice. “For that I must beg your forgiveness. It’s my fault you were sent away from home and exiled here.”
“Oh…it’s not so bad,” Lissa said, trying to make her voice light and easy. “The life of a priestess may not be what I would have chosen for myself, but I’ve settled in well. And now that the Councilor and his bride, the lady Nadiah are here, it’s quite enjoyable.”
“I think it’s wonderful that you’ve risen so high. To be the High Priestess of the Seat of Wisdom—Mame’ and Pape’ will be so proud when I tell them, I’m certain.”
Lissa nodded. I’m certain they still hate me as much as ever. Especially your mother who separated us in the first place. But she couldn’t speak the words aloud. They were too rude, too personal. “Thank you,” she said faintly.
“You’re very welcome. Well…” Saber rose from his seat by her bed. “I can see you’re still tired so perhaps I should leave you in peace.”
“Wait!” Lissa exclaimed, before she could stop herself. “Wait, Saber, please…”
“What is it?” He turned back to her, his hazel eyes filled with some emotion she couldn’t read.
“I…I…” Lissa’s courage almost deserted her but she forced herself to go on. “Forgive me,” she said, “But I told you how often I have dreamed of you only to wake and find myself alone. Would you…could I…” She sighed in frustration. “I know it is wrong, but could I touch your hand—just once—to be certain you’re real? To know that I am not dreaming this time?”
She half expected Saber to recoil from her in disgust. Such a request wasn’t only wrong—it was morally abhorrent. For an unmated female to seek the physical touch of a male who was not her husband—and one who was related to her by clan and family—was anathema. And yet, she couldn’t help herself…couldn’t help what she wanted.
For a long moment Saber hesitated. Then he dropped to his knees beside her bed and held out his hands to her. “Of course you may touch me, amalla,” he said, his deep voice hoarse with emotion.
“Oh, Saber…” The use of the old, sweet nickname sent a rush of longing through her. Lissa grasped his hands in hers and watched as he entwined their fingers. His touch was warm and real and solid and at last she knew the truth. “Moch Daer,” she whispered. “You’re real this time. Really and truly real.”
“And you’re real too,” he murmured. “I dreamed of you too, Lissa. So many times I thought—”
A sharp rapping at the wooden door of Lissa’s bedchamber interrupted him and then the door was flung wide. “Captain Saber, excuse me, but I—”
The male, who must be one of Saber’s crew, stopped short, his dark brown eyes drawn to their hands.
“Oh!” Lissa gasped and pulled her hands away. Quickly she hid them, trembling, beneath her white coverlet.
“Forgive me,” the crew-member said shortly. “I did not mean to interrupt…anything.”
“Nor did you,” Saber said heartily. “I was simply proving to Lissa here that I truly am real and not a figment of her imagination.” He lowered his voice. “She saw many mirages out in the desert which upset her greatly.”
“Oh.” The male nodded slowly. “Oh, I see.” His face, which had been etched with surprise and disgust, slowly cleared. “Well then, in that case,I guess—”
“What is it you wished to tell me, Mikrow?” Saber asked, standing and casually brushing off his knees.
The male cleared his throat. “It’s the secondary drive core again, Captain. It seems to be overheating, even when we’re just running diagnostics. Nobody else can figure it out and you seem to have such a way with it I thought—”
“Of course, of course.” Saber nodded and gestured for the male to leave the room. “My little sister is doing well, so I’ll come with you at once.”
“Thank you, Captain.” The crew-member left Lissa’s chamber with Saber right behind him. Before he closed the door, Saber gave her one last, long look. Then he left, without saying another word.
Chapter Twenty-nine
Merrick was Goddess-damned sick and tired of the purification rituals which seemed to entail sitting in a tub filled with the milk of the sacred tsslla snake and eating the worst tasting food the Ancient Ones could find.
As a Kindred, he had been all over the universe and tasted many different alien cuisines but he had to admit that the “nuggets of purity” he’d been eating for the past three hours were the worst, most disgusting things he’d ever put in his mouth. They had a hard, crusty dark blue covering but when he bit into them, they dripped pale blue goo that had a thick, mucousy texture and a metallic meaty flavor he found utterly revolting.
“All right, enough already,” he said, standing up abruptly as the priestess of the Ancient Ones tried to offer him another nugget. Pale blue milk sluiced off his bare body and the priestess gasped and shielded her eyes. “Yeah, I’m fucking naked—get over it,” Merrick snarled. “And I’ve had enough of this whole purification ritual shit. Rinse me off and let me talk to the Elders. Now.”
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