by Rose Meddon
‘Kate,’ he said, the sound of the gate-latch bringing him hurrying across. ‘Kate, how are you?’
Preferring that his well-meant enquiry didn’t launch a fresh round of tears, she stared down at her shoes – not that there was any way around it: she at least had to answer him; if she tried to walk on without saying anything at all, he would only follow her. Better to deal with him now and be done with it.
‘How do you think I am?’
‘Beside yourself, I shouldn’t wonder.’
Slowly, she raised her head to look at him. It was the first remotely fitting thing anyone had said to her. By chance or otherwise, he had happened upon the perfect description of her mood. Beside herself – as though her mind had separated from her body to leave her staring back at an empty and unfamiliar version of herself. She looked the same; she sounded the same. Inside, though, she felt anything but the same. She felt detached. Disoriented. Not even sure who she was any more. She also felt stupid – not that she was about to admit as much to Luke.
‘I need to be by myself a while,’ she said, unable to bring herself to witness the look of concern she knew would have come over his face – those soft, pleading eyes and the sympathetic line of that mouth of his.
In the event, all he said was, ‘‘Course.’
At that very moment, in response to the tenderness of his concern, she felt as though something inside her broke – snapped clean in two. But, deciding to ignore it – and the welling of fresh tears – she forced herself to continue across the yard. Breaking down in front of him would be a mistake, allowing him to console her, even worse. Instead, letting herself out through the gate in the wall, she made it all the way to the far side of the lawn before finally giving in to tears. This time, though, they weren’t the outpouring of anger they had been earlier but tears of grief. Indeed, she found it hard to imagine that her pain would be any greater had someone told her that Ned had died. By most reckoning, she ought to feel sickened at having fallen for someone to whom she was so closely related – and, now and again, fleetingly, she did – but, for the most part, she felt as though someone had snatched her dreams and dashed them, like a bone china tea service, on the scullery floor.
Not knowing what else to do, she walked on, rounding the end of the lawn and sniffing loudly, thinking only then to check whether anyone was about. Thankfully, she seemed to be alone. Perversely, now that she was, she didn’t want to be; she wanted someone to talk to. She glanced across the gardens to the side of the house. The sunblind at Miss Naomi’s window was raised and the curtains tied back. And there seemed to be someone on the window seat. Was it Miss Naomi? The reflections on the glass made it impossible to tell.
Leaving the path, she made her way across the newly mown lawn, stopping a couple of yards short of the herbaceous border under the downstairs windows to peer upwards. The dark outline in the bottom left-hand corner could be Miss Naomi. On the other hand, it could also be just about anyone else. She took a couple of paces backwards. The shape moved. And then it moved again. Not daring to wave, Kate remained where she was, crossing her fingers that she wasn’t about to get a tongue-lashing from Cicely Colborne or worse still, from Pamela Russell.
With a succession of jerky and reluctant movements, and with the sound of wood grating against wood, the lower sash was heaved upwards. ‘Kate?’
‘Yes, miss, it’s me.’
‘Go and wait for me around the corner. I’ll try and get down to you.’
Doing just that, Kate waited, her thumbnail between her teeth. Why she felt driven to seek Miss Naomi’s company, she didn’t know. She didn’t even know whether she’d been told the news by anyone – or indeed, how she would react to learning of it if she hadn’t. Was it even her place to tell her? In her muddled state, so many things felt beyond her to decide.
‘Cicely Colborne’s gone for a nap,’ Naomi Russell announced without preamble as she stepped quickly through the French doors and out onto the terrace. ‘I told her I would sit and read for a while, but it would still be best that we keep out of sight.’
Surprised by how matter-of-factly Miss Naomi was behaving, Kate nodded her agreement. ‘We can go to the stables,’ she said. ‘If we keep to the main path, you won’t get your shoes all grassy.’
Naomi Russell nodded, going on to remark, ‘I can see from your face that you’ve been told.’
Catching her shoe on the raised edge of a flagstone, Kate lurched forward, regaining her balance to turn about and say, ‘You knew? You knew all along?’
‘Shush,’ Naomi Russell urged, glancing over her shoulder and then quickening her pace.
‘You knew but you said nothing? You saw fit to entrust me with the safe-keeping of your confidences while all the time keeping the most tremendous secret of all to yourself? How could you! How could you be so cruel?’
Catching hold of Kate’s arm, Naomi Russell whisked her on along the path. ‘Of course I didn’t know!’ she hissed, propelling Kate further from the house. ‘Of course I didn’t. And I’m hurt you would even think it of me!’
Freeing herself from Naomi’s grasp, Kate walked on, reaching the entrance to the stable yard and then slipping in through the nearest door. Once inside, Naomi Russell stood glancing about at the dusty room and its disused contents.
‘I’m sorry,’ Kate said softly. ‘But I don’t know who to trust. You can’t know how it feels to have everything about your life dashed to pieces – and by your own family, at that.’
‘No,’ Naomi Russell agreed. ‘You’re right. I can’t imagine it. For me, learning of the news was different – a shock, of course, but different.’
Going to lean against one of the old saddler’s benches, Kate let out a long sigh. ‘So, you didn’t know? When I came to you earlier, looking for Ned, you had no notion of any of it?’
‘Kate, I assure you, I had no idea. Until this morning, neither Mamma nor I – nor Ned, for that matter – had any idea that Papa had even been to Woodicombe before, let alone… well, let alone carried on with one of the staff here. But it was such a long time ago – before Mamma had even met him – that why would we? We knew, of course, that he’d known Sidney Latimer since their time at school together. It’s how we came to have the loan of this place.’
Kate sighed heavily. In Miss Naomi’s presence, she didn’t feel quite so stiff with rage. But, the fact remained, there had to be something she was missing. ‘So… what did Mr Russell tell you? How did he explain Edith an’ me away to you?’
‘He didn’t tell me. Mamma did. And then, once she’d left my room and I was trying to understand, I realized it must have been what the two of them had been arguing about earlier – you know, when Aunt Diana warned me not to interrupt them.’
Absently, Kate ran her fingers along the edge of the workbench and then examined the coating of grey dust on her fingertips. Had she heard that correctly? ‘Your father didn’t come an’ tell you himself?’ It seemed beyond belief, even for someone as errant as Hugh Russell – or whatever his real name was.
In response to her question, Naomi shook her head. ‘No. Mamma came in, absolutely seething, relayed the bare bones of it, and warned me never to speak of it again – not to anyone, ever.’
‘And that was just this morning.’
‘No more than a few moments after you’d gone off in search of Ned. I would have gone after you, but Mamma called Cicely Colborne in to sit with me. I imagine she wanted to ensure I didn’t do precisely that – set off to try and find you.’
‘But whatever must your mother have thought to learn such a thing of her husband?’
‘She was livid, fuming, much of her response beyond repeating. Apparently, when Papa confessed, she demanded of him how many more times am I to be humiliated by your sordid past?’
Staring back at Naomi Russell’s untroubled face, Kate frowned. How many more times? This had happened before? ‘So are you saying—’
‘Oh, this isn’t the first time we’ve been presented with such
news. Ned and I already know we have another half-sibling somewhere, the result of another of Papa’s… dalliances – albeit one from a time after he married Mamma.’
In utter disbelief, Kate blinked several times. This was growing more and more murky. ‘For truth?’
‘Sadly, yes. It came to light a while back. Don’t ask me how. Neither Ned nor I have ever been privy to the finer details. We don’t see him. Or her. The other half-sibling, I mean.’
‘Then no wonder your father left in such a hurry. He must have feared for his safety.’
Naomi Russell shrugged. ‘The two don’t necessarily go together. I’m fairly certain Papa was intending to leave today anyway – this declaration of war no doubt only adding urgency to some prospective business deal. Although doubtless, this latest matter hastened his departure.’
‘Doubtless.’
‘According to Mamma, he made a fleeting confession, they exchanged words and then he left, claiming he couldn’t risk missing the train.’
‘Heavens.’ What a dreadful man she had for a father! And what a family.
‘I know we must sound like truly dreadful people, Kate,’ Naomi said, ‘but please believe me when I say that we’re not. Find it in your heart, if you can, not to think too badly of us, especially of Papa.’ Slowly, Kate shook her head; it was as though Naomi Russell had been reading her thoughts. ‘That he behaved recklessly when he was younger, I won’t deny. Nor, I doubt, would he. That past mistakes on both sides are to blame for the awful mess in which you now find yourself is beyond dispute. But he’s not a bad man per se.’
Not a bad man? To Kate, he was nothing short of villainous.
‘If you say so.’
‘For what it’s worth, I don’t think badly of him. Although I can quite see why you wouldn’t care for my opinion – not after what you’ve just found out.’
No, she didn’t care for it, not really. This wasn’t about Naomi. Nor, in this particular instance, was it about Hugh Russell. It was about the upending – the complete destruction – of her own life.
‘Do you know the worst thing about all of this?’ she asked, desperate to voice some of her darker thoughts.
Naomi Russell shook her head. ‘I wouldn’t presume to, Kate. I simply can’t imagine.’
‘It’s to learn that my whole life – my entire being on this earth – came about only through a mistake. I wasn’t born to a mother and a father who loved each other. I was born because my holier-than-thou sister was too besotted – or too stupid or even too wanton – to resist the attentions of a man, to see through the false flattery and the sweet words. Worse still is the way that, even though this mess was her doing in the first place, she carries on as though perfectly entitled to lecture me about my behaviour!’
‘It must be so difficult for all of you. I can’t begin to imagine.’
‘What’s difficult, I’ll tell you, is the realization that I’m only here at all because of Edith’s foolishness. I’m here because – and only because – she made a mistake. And you’ll never know how worthless that makes me feel.’
When Kate started to cry, she felt Naomi Russell’s arm settle around her shoulders.
‘Dearest Kate, don’t feel worthless, for if you are a mistake, so am I.’
‘You? Hardly.’
‘No, it’s true – Ned and I are Mamma’s mistake. And, when she is having one of her poor me days, or when she is particularly cross with Papa over something he’s done, she’s not slow to remind us of the fact, either.’
From where her face had been hidden against Naomi’s shoulder, Kate looked up. ‘Remind you? I don’t understand.’
‘Well, although Mamma will never forgive me for telling you this, she too was unmarried when she fell pregnant with us. And we know this because Ned and I were born less than six months after she married Papa. So, if you are a mistake, then so are we. It wasn’t only your poor Edith who fell for young Bertie Russell’s charms. It’s just that Mamma was the one forced to marry him.’
Trying to digest this revelation, Kate frowned. Into her mind came a picture of Pamela Russell, drunk and wailing something about sacrifices. And then there was what Aunt Diana had told her about that Sadie Jennings. Slowly, it all started to fit together – not that it helped her own situation.
‘Well, even though that might be true, it don’t help me to know it. At least your mother and father got wed. And at least neither of them lied to you—’
‘No,’ Naomi Russell agreed. ‘We’ve always known who we were. Anyway, setting that aside, just for a moment, I for one couldn’t be more delighted to discover that you and I are half-sisters. It certainly explains a thing or two, doesn’t it?’
At Naomi’s unexpected change of direction, Kate took a step away from her. She could almost feel her brain struggling with something, its cogs and teeth whirring, much in the manner of the long case clock in the hall as it worked its way up to announcing the hour. ‘Explains what…?’
‘Well, you know, our shared sense of humour: the uncanny feeling that we’re of the same mind on certain things. How easy it felt for me to trust you. I must remember to ask Ned if he noticed it too…’
With that, Kate’s breath seemed to catch in her chest. Reaching to the workbench, she suddenly realized what had been clogging her thoughts: the matter of whether, before all of this had come to light, Miss Naomi had known of her meetings with Ned. Judging from her last remark, it now seemed unlikely. She had mentioned discovering they were half-sisters, but had made no reference whatsoever to the implications for her friendship with Ned.
In her throat, a lump had formed. She tried to swallow it down but it wasn’t to be budged. Naomi was proud of how close she and Ned were – about how the two of them knew everything about one another and shared every confidence. And yet, it seemed now that Ned hadn’t told his sister of their secret meetings. How could that be? How, if they shared their every thought, had he not told her?
Careful not to move too quickly and draw Naomi’s attention, she stepped further backwards until, behind her, she could feel the support of the workbench. She felt panicky and sick: hot and cold at the same time; one moment prickling with humiliation, the next, shivering with foolishness. Had she misread the extent of Ned’s interest in her? That he had said nothing to his sister suggested she must have. But he seemed to have enjoyed their meetings – seemed to have enjoyed talking with her. Perhaps, though, that was all he had done. Perhaps he had only ever looked upon her as someone with whom to pass some time – as someone with whom he felt inexplicably comfortable. Oh, dear God, how mortifying if that turned out to be true!
She cast a glance to Miss Naomi. She was examining one of the tools from the bench – a thin iron rod, its end sharpened to a point.
‘Miss Naomi, I wonder, did—’ Partway through asking the question burning away at her, Kate faltered. Her mind and her mouth seemed unable to agree upon how to go about it, her mouth wanting to simply blurt out her concern and get it over with, her mind urging caution.
‘Look, Kate,’ Naomi Russell turned unexpectedly towards her to say, ‘I’m terribly sorry to desert you like this, but I can’t afford to have Cicely Colborne discover I’m not where I said I’d be. It’s a fuss I could do without.’
‘But I just wanted to ask—’
‘Fear not. Just because I must return indoors doesn’t mean I’m abandoning you. I shan’t do that.’
Kate felt her breathing getting faster and faster. Miss Naomi couldn’t leave. Not now, not before she had asked her. ‘But—’
‘What if I were to try and sneak away after dinner? How would that be? From a purely practical consideration, it’s probably the easiest time for me to give Cicely Colborne the slip. We could meet in here again – if you think it would be safe to do so.’
In a way, if she let Miss Naomi leave, she would be giving herself the chance to think. Part of her had already begun to wonder as to the wisdom of baring her soul. At least this way, she could reflect for a
while and then decide whether or not to ask her about Ned.
‘Yes,’ she said, beginning to breathe more freely. ‘For certain we’ll be safe here.’
‘All right. Then I’ll see you again after dinner.’
With Naomi going carefully back out into the yard, Kate stood, deep in thought. Doubting Ned’s feelings for her had made her feel sick – a good part of that discomfort seeming to stem from the recognition that perhaps she had got it all wrong. That being the case, did she really have it in her to hear the truth? If she was ever to feel less awful, surely, she had to know, even if it did mean discovering that she had been guilty of a colossal misjudgement, the mortifying extent and nature of which was only now becoming apparent.
* * *
‘He never mentioned me at all, then.’
True to her promise, later that evening and with the cover of dusk to shroud her movements, Naomi Russell stole away from family and guests to stand stiffly, her dark gown in peril of becoming soiled by the dusty and disused state of their surroundings. On her face was an expression of disquiet.
‘My dear Kate, no. Not once. Until this very moment, I had no idea that my brother had even been meeting with you.’ For Kate, reaching to the bench for support, Miss Naomi’s incredulity told her all she needed to know. Her consternation had been well-founded: Ned hadn’t had feelings for her at all. ‘On the days when I could never find him anywhere,’ Naomi picked up again, ‘I assumed he was just out walking. He loves to walk and to explore new places.’
‘Yes,’ Kate replied, ‘I know.’
‘Yes, I suppose you would. Look,’ Naomi Russell said, clearly uncomfortable, ‘you’ll have to forgive my astonishment. But, while on numerous occasions over this last week I confided to him my displeasure about Aubrey and Mamma, not once did Ned mention – even in passing – that he’d been spending time with you. And he tells me everything, particularly matters that either concern or delight him. So, to now learn that you had been spending time together has taken me completely by surprise.’