“She what?” Colton asked, sitting next to him.
Noah ground the heels of his hands into his eyes and then propped his knees on his elbows. “You know what they call those letters?” he asked, looking up at Mack.
Mack shook his head.
“If I Die letters. They write them just in case they don’t make it back. How fucked up is that?”
Mack didn’t answer, probably because he knew Noah didn’t really expect him to. Instead, he handed the letter back to Noah and sat down on the floor in front of him.
“They found this in my dad’s things after he was killed,” Noah said, unfolding the letter along well-worn creases. “He wrote one to each of us.”
The guys fell silent as he scanned the words that he long ago memorized.
Son,
If you’re reading this, it means I broke my promise. I’m not coming back. I’m sorrier about that than you could ever know.
I love you so much. Those words don’t even seem adequate. The day you were born changed my life. I thought I knew what it meant to be a man, but that all changed the minute the nurse set you in my arms. My whole life flashed before my eyes as I looked in yours. I was a warrior, but in that moment, I was as scared and intimidated by a six-pound baby than I’d ever been by the enemy. Was I enough? Was I up to the task of raising a child? Was I man enough to raise you to be a man someday?
I wish I could be there to know the answers to those questions. I wish I could see what you accomplish with that computer brain of yours. I wish I could be there to put my arm around you when you get your heart broken for the first time (it will happen, but you will survive), pat you on the back when you finally meet the one (that will also happen). I wish I could see you become a father. I know you’ll be a good one. I wish I could be a grandfather. I’m damn sure I’d be a good one.
There are lessons I haven’t had a chance to teach you yet, so I’m going to convey them the best I can now.
Stand for something.
Life is a gift, an opportunity. Don’t waste it on the sidelines. Be brave enough to go after what you want. Do something with that genius brain of yours.
There’s no shame in failing. Unless you don’t get back up, learn from your mistakes, and keep trying.
I’m sorry to leave you, son. I’m sorry I broke my promise. But I need you to be strong. Your mom needs you as much as you need her.
Be happy, Noah. Be at peace. Be the man I know you can be.
This will be hard. You’re going to feel a lot of emotions—anger, sadness, betrayal, fear. But I promise you—and this is a promise I won’t break—that a day will come when you feel at peace again. When it won’t hurt to think of me. When you think about your old man and laugh at the good times we had, when you can remember me without all those bad emotions.
Know that I am okay, and you will be too. Someday, you will be too.
Love,
Dad
Mack leaned forward in his cross-legged position. “Tell us what happened.”
Noah knew he wasn’t asking about his father, so he did his best to explain it all—the leaked documents, Alexis’s suspicion that he’d been the one who leaked them, her apology, his refusal to accept it. He even told them about the fight with Marsh.
They listened, for once, without interruptions. Without cracking jokes. And even when he finished, they remained silent for an unusually long, respectful moment.
“I can’t imagine what you’ve been through in your life, the things you’ve had to endure,” Mack said. “You’ve come so far and achieved so much, so it must have been really hard when she accused you like that.”
Noah shifted uncomfortably on the couch.
“She didn’t just accuse you of leaking documents, though, did she?” Malcolm said from his spot in the doorframe. “She accused you of not being good enough. Of not living up to your father’s expectations.”
Adrenaline surged through Noah’s veins on a wave of pain. “One thing has nothing to do with the other.”
Colton nudged him. “Then why did you drag out this letter as you drowned your sorrows over her?”
“And why did you finally have the fight with Marsh that you should have had years ago only after Alexis broke your heart?”
Noah felt something rising in his chest, a choking sensation that forced him to suck in a giant breath. “They have nothing to do with each other.”
The Russian sat down on the other side of him and slung his arm around Noah’s shoulder. “He broke another promise, didn’t he?”
Noah cleared his throat. “Who?”
“Your father,” the Russian said. “He made a promise in his letter.”
Noah should have been offended that the guys had apparently read it, but he couldn’t summon enough energy.
“He promised that you’d find peace someday,” Colton said. “But you haven’t, have you?”
Until you get over that anger. Marsh’s words came back to him, unbidden and unwelcome. And just as unwanted, his own response. You’re right. I never got over the anger. I hope I never do.
But that was a lie. He was tired of being angry. Tired of fighting a war he never asked for, a war he was dragged into without his permission, a war that had cost him everything. Including Alexis.
“No,” Noah whispered, the word scraping past a thousand others that longed to be set free. Words that had been inside him for so long. “I’m not at peace.”
“It must have felt like a betrayal for Alexis to believe you leaked those documents.”
Noah nodded, throat closing.
“Betrayal can make us do really stupid things sometimes,” Mack said. “It blinds us to reason and logic. Makes us do things we know are wrong. Things that will only hurt us worse in the end.”
“Things like pushing away the woman we love even when she’s trying to apologize for her own mistakes,” Colton said.
“Or like using that computer brain of yours to commit crimes,” Malcolm added quietly.
The Russian squeezed his shoulder. “Who are you really mad at, Noah?”
“Him.” The word tore from Noah’s chest, breaking things and shredding things like only a reluctant admission could. Jesus, he was mad at his father. All this time. And he’d never been able to see it or admit it until now. Until that anger had nearly cost him everything.
The Russian tugged Noah closer, and Noah couldn’t have fought it even if he’d tried. And not just because the Russian was built like a Sherman tank, but because Noah was weak and drunk with the release of such long-festering truth.
“I’m so mad at him,” Noah rasped. “I’m mad at him for staying in the military. He could have retired. He made the choice to stay, to keep being deployed. He left us. He left me. I needed him. And he left.”
“He broke his promise,” Colton said quietly.
“So you broke yours.” Malcolm said it softly, but it exploded in Noah’s brain. Because his entire world became clear. Just like that, a veil was lifted.
“I didn’t become a hacker to defend my father,” he choked. “I did it to get back at him.”
“And there it is,” Colton said, lightly patting Noah’s back.
Noah tried to hold back the sobs that were desperate to get out, but he couldn’t. So he did the next best thing. He turned his face into the Russian’s barrel chest and let them come.
“It’s okay, man,” Colton said. “Cry. Let it out. Cry until you’re okay.”
Until you’re okay.
God, how he wanted to be okay. Not good. Not great. Not even happy. For the first time since that chaplain had appeared at his door, he was ready to just be okay.
The front door suddenly burst open, and Noah jumped. He sat up, wiping his face, praying to everything holy that it was Alexis, because God, did he have a lot to tell her. After he kisse
d the shit out of her and begged for forgiveness, of course.
But the woman who appeared in the doorframe was not Alexis.
Noah’s mouth dropped open. “Mom?”
“Good,” she said, hands on her hips. “You’re not dead.”
Mack winced. “Sorry, Mrs. Logan. We should’ve texted you again to let you know he was breathing.”
Noah gaped at him. “You called my mother?”
“Dude, you looked really fucking pathetic. We were afraid this was going to be a bigger job than we could handle on our own.”
“You were right,” his mom said. “Will one of you go out to my car and bring in all the food I brought and also my suitcase?”
“Suitcase?” Noah dragged his hand down his face. “Mom, I’m fine. The guys are morons. You didn’t have to come.”
“I got it, Mrs. Logan,” Colton said. He winked for good measure, but it had little effect on her. She rolled her eyes instead.
“The rest of you make yourselves scarce for a few minutes. I need to talk to my son.”
Nothing could make a man of any age move faster than that tone of voice from a mother. The guys vacated the room in five seconds flat.
“Have you been icing your cheek?” she asked, crossing the room to stand in front of him. She didn’t give him time to answer. “Of course you haven’t.”
“It’s fine, Mom.”
“Here’s what we’re going to do,” she said, jumping over his words like he hadn’t even spoken them. “We’re going to get you cleaned up, get some food into you, and then you’re going to tell me the truth about Alexis. And then we’re going to figure out how to fix it.”
He’d be lying if he said his chest didn’t flood with warm relief at her words, her presence, and her unmitigated confidence that he could be redeemed. Sometimes a man still needed his mother. This was one of those times. Didn’t make it any less embarrassing, though.
She smiled and cupped her hands around his jaw. “You’re so much like him, you know.”
“Like who?” If she said Marsh, he was going to throw himself into traffic.
“Your father.” Her hands smoothed over his unruly hair. “So tough on the outside, but inside you’re nothing but gooey goodness.”
A snort of laughter from the hallway was followed quickly by the sound of a fist hitting an arm. Followed immediately by a heavily accented, “Ow, why you hit me?”
Noah pinched his nose.
“He was so, so proud of you,” she continued. “He used to watch you doing your homework and just shake his head. He’d always say, How did a guy like me create a brain like that? You were the light of his life.”
Pressure began to build in Noah’s chest again. “Mom, I—I miss him.”
Her face softened into a smile that spoke of regret but also hope. “I know you do.”
“I’m afraid I’m forgetting him.”
“Oh, Noah . . .”
“I don’t remember what we did the day before he deployed the last time. I don’t remember what we said to each other when he left. I don’t remember . . . I don’t even remember the sound of his voice some days. I’ve wasted so much time being mad and never dealing with the anger that I’ve started to forget the good things, the things that mattered.”
“You haven’t forgotten. It’s all still right here.” She rested her hand over his heart. “You just have to clear away all that bad stuff to let the good stuff out.”
This time, the noise from the hallway was an unmistakable sniffle.
His mother smiled. “You have some very good friends.”
“They have their moments, but right now I kind of want to hurt them.”
She patted his chest. “Let’s get some food into you to soak up that whiskey.”
He watched her walk toward the hallway. “Mom?”
She turned.
“About Marsh.”
“What about him?”
“You should call him. He was pretty devastated when you kicked him out.”
His mom tilted her head quizzically. “Are you defending him?”
“I think I finally understand him.” He suddenly understood a lot. Like how wrong he’d been when reading that damn book. All along, he couldn’t relate to AJ because Noah thought he was too much like Elliott. A selfish asshole who abandoned his kid. But he’d been reading the story all wrong. Elliott wasn’t AJ. Noah was. A scared, broken man who was so terrified of losing the things that mattered to him that he instead lashed out and pushed those things away. He’d been trying to make up for his past mistakes with his money, paying off houses and college tuitions because he didn’t know another way to apologize.
He was Beefcake, biting and clawing out of fear. Pushing people away before they could abandon him.
His mother stared at him so intensely that he squirmed. “He wants to be a good man,” he said. “But he only knows one way to do things. He will need help to change, but I think he can.”
“Hitting you was unforgivable.”
“It doesn’t have to be.”
She smiled. “Are you playing matchmaker?”
“I just want you both to be happy.”
“One thing at a time,” she said. “Let’s take care of you first, and in the morning, you can go say all the things to Alexis that obviously need to be said. Then maybe I’ll call Marsh.”
“Deal.”
* * *
* * *
The next time he woke up, it was four o’clock in the morning, and the guys and his mother all stared at him with bleary-eyed panic.
He sat up in bed. “What? What’s wrong?”
“Dude, she’s going through with it,” Mack said. “We have to go.”
“What are you talking about? Who’s going through with what?”
“Alexis,” Colton said, as somber as he’d ever seen him. “She’s going through with the surgery.”
His mom dropped a stack of clothes on the bed. “Get dressed. If you drive fast, you can get there in time to see her before she goes in.”
Noah grabbed Colton by the front of the shirt. “Tell me you can drive fast.”
CHAPTER THIRTY
The room was cold.
Alexis tied the thin straps of her gown at the shoulder and held the rest of it closed with her hands. The material was crisp and clean. She shoved her clothes in the plastic bag the nurse had given her. Then she climbed into bed and tugged the blanket over her bare legs.
There was a knock at the door followed by Candi’s tentative voice. “Can I come in?”
“It’s open,” Alexis called.
Candi wore one of her oversize university sweatshirts and a pair of black leggings. Her eyes were tired, her hair pulled back in a messy ponytail.
Alexis and Candi spoke at the same time.
“You ready?”
“Is Elliott ready?”
Alexis laughed. “You go first.”
Candi approached the bed. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“Good to go. Elliott?”
“He seems good. He keeps trying to make us all laugh because we’re all nervous.”
Alexis reached out her hand. “Everything will be fine.”
Candi’s eyes shimmered with tears as she let Alexis wrap their fingers together.
“Hey,” Alexis squeezed. “No crying.”
Candi smiled and shrugged. “I can’t help it. I’m sorry. My father and my sister are about to go into surgery together.”
Alexis waited for the normal resentment at the word sister. It didn’t appear. “We’re in good hands, Candi. It’ll be over before you know it.”
Cayden walked in next, shuffling nervously. “Can I, uh, can I come in?”
Candi tensed and darted her gaze back and forth between him and Alexis.
“
Sure,” Alexis said.
He gulped. “I’m sorry about how I’ve been treating you. About everything.”
Alexis tilted her head. “And you feel bad because I might die saving our father’s life?”
He blanched.
Alexis laughed. “I’m just messing with you.”
Cayden’s face blazed red. “I deserved that.”
Alexis didn’t disagree because, yeah, he did. It would take a little longer for her to forgive him than even Elliott, because at least Elliott was willing to own up to his mistakes. Cayden dug into his pocket and withdrew a folded piece of paper. He handed it over. “She made you another picture.”
Alexis opened it. It was a scribble of wavy lines in red, yellow, and blue. At the top, someone had written, To Aunt Alexis.
“It’s a rainbow,” Cayden explained. “I can hang on to it for you, if you want.”
“No,” she blurted. “I—I want to keep it.”
“When this is over, I hope we can—”
“Maybe.” Alexis cut him off because she was afraid of what her emotions would do if he finished the sentence.
He nodded. “I’ll, um, I’m going to go back to Mom. She’s kind of a mess.”
“See you on the flip side.”
He blinked again and then left the room.
“He’s trying,” Candi said.
“I know. So am I.”
Candi did that nervous lip-biting thing. “So, Noah . . . ?”
Alexis felt another kick in her chest. She shook her head but had to breathe in and out before speaking. “I don’t think he’s going to forgive me for doubting him.”
“But he loves you.”
Tears burned her eyes. “I hurt him too badly.”
“I don’t believe that,” Candi said, resting her hand on Alexis’s arm. “I promise you. He will be here.”
* * *
* * *
Noah had thought the worst moment of his life was when Alexis walked out the door of his house, but that moment had already been eclipsed. She was about to go into surgery, and her phone was turned off, and if he didn’t talk to her, she’d go into surgery without hearing all the things he should have said if he hadn’t been such a fucking selfish asshole.
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