by A Lonergan
I can’t imagine what it’s like to lose everything and then not be able to have anything of my own again for a while. Hopefully, this will help you feel normal again. I didn’t know your measurements but you have a similar build as my sister. I know she would want you to have these. Hopefully soon, you’ll be able to have plenty of your own things in our next raid.
I unfolded the tunic on top of the pile and pressed it to my face. No matter how much I tried to hold myself back, I couldn’t keep myself from sniffing the soft fabric. I pressed my cheek against it before I realized there were more of them but in different colors. I let out a squeal of delight and touched every single one of them. I had missed soft clothes. Well, soft anything really. It was a luxury but one of the biggest ones I had been missing. I dropped the towel but before I shimmied the fabric over my head, I realized there was a stack of undergarments. I closed my eyes and just sat there. Maybe being here wasn’t so bad after all.
When I was finished going through the stack of clothes and undergarments, I felt like a new woman. I felt invigorated and taken care of. For the first time in months, I felt safe. It was funny how some clothing could make you feel that way, but it was endearing. I smoothed my palms down the front of the tight trousers before I pulled the bedroom door open.
All different kinds of smells were awaiting me in the hallway. I could barely hear Robin in the kitchen as he moved about. I followed the smells and the noises to find him at the stove. He had his back to me and his hood, unfortunately, was still in place. As much as I wanted to feel bitter, there was nothing that could shake the mood that new clothes had invoked in me. I had abandoned the cane at the foot of the bed, it was no longer needed as much as it had been before. The black goop Robin made me drink had worked miracles on my body and my mind.
Even though the stuff was nasty, I found myself refreshed, well-rested and healing at a faster rate than I would have without it. Gratitude washed over me like never before. My eyes filled and I hoped he didn’t turn around until I was done feeling so emotional. When I removed my fingers from my eyes, I found him turned toward me. From the way his shoulders were set, I imagined he was staring at me, but I couldn’t know for sure with his hood hanging over his face.
The corners of his lips were turned up ever so slightly and then his head cocked to the side. “Do you like the clothes?”
Emotion overcame me again and I had to clear my throat. “Yes, I can’t thank you enough.”
“They look like they fit you perfectly too.” There was something in his voice. Satisfaction?
“Yes, though I feel awful for taking your sister’s clothing. You gave me so much. She will miss these.” I tugged at the hem of the tunic.
Robin turned back to the stove and shrugged. “She won’t miss them, she’s being wined and dined by Tremaine. She has far finer clothes now.”
My throat seemed to close up. “What?”
He placed the lid back on the pot before he spoke again. “She is being held with my mother in the palace. My mother is the only one in the kingdom with her special skillset, along with my sister who is her apprentice.”
I didn’t know what to say. From the sound of his voice, he wasn’t pleased and his clipped words indicated that he didn’t want to continue on the path we were treading. He placed his hand at the small of my back and led me into the dining area. I had only been in there once and was shocked to find the table full of food and drinks, like we were having a party. The wooden butcher block table took up most of the room, spanning at least fifteen feet in length. On either side of the table were long benches and at each end were huge wooden chairs. Down the center of the table, there was a line of candles lit. In the middle, across from each other, were two plates and two empty bowls.
“It’s been a long time since I have cooked a meal. I figured we could make a party of it.” His tone was light as he escaped the room, back into the kitchen.
I took my time walking around the side of the table. I ran my fingers down the edge of the soft wood. I looked at all the food that he had either stolen, bought, or cooked himself. I couldn’t help but wonder and would certainly make it apart of our conversation while we ate.
Robin filled our plates and bowls up with masterpieces. I didn’t know what to say to him as he continued with the glorious morsels. Finally, he poured us both dark liquid into the wine goblets.
I raised my eyebrows and he barked out a laugh. “Don’t worry, it’s only juice.”
“You aren’t ready to know all of my secrets yet?” I giggled as I dipped my bread into the dark stew in front of me.
I watched as his mouth go serious. “I wasn’t expecting those clothes to fit you so well. I figured it would be best if we both had our wits about us tonight. Especially with us both being alone here and sharing the same space.”
Color flooded my cheeks and I found myself struck dumb. “How can you be so certain I would be interested in you, Mr. Robin?”
I watched his tongue flick out and wet his bottom lip. “Maybe once you get a proper wash, we will really be worried.”
I raised an eyebrow, determined to win this. “By then your men will be back and maybe you’ll have to compete for some affection. After all, you can’t wear that mask forever.”
“You can’t keep yourself dirty forever.” He smirked then became thoughtful. “Eventually I might not care anymore.” He chuckled and began to tear his bread into little pieces until it was nothing but crumbs. The bottom half of his face changed. He bit his lip as he tore through another slice of bread. I zeroed in on the twitch and I felt my body tense. There was only one other person I had ever seen do that. But it wasn’t possible, was it? No. No. No.
Alister.
Thirty-Three
Alister
There was something about the way she squealed when she uncovered the clothing. There was something about the way she had looked when she saw the prize sitting there in front of her door. There was just something about her and I didn’t know when I had seen the change. Maybe it was her dedication as she threw the knives each day in the armory. Maybe it was the fearless way she looked at the world around her and then there was a more sobering thought I didn’t know if I was ready to acknowledge it or not.
But whether I wanted to or not, she reminded me of Arabella and I had forced myself to stay away from her for too long. I couldn’t do it anymore. I was determined to peel back her layers and see what brought the light out. I was determined to do what I could to make her squeal like that again. I had listened intently and I hadn’t been disappointed, just like dinner as she had bated me and teased me. As she watched me with calculating eyes. Intense blue eyes that I would never get bored looking into.
She finished off her food with a sigh. Then the questions began, and for once, I didn’t mind them. “Did this come from the castle or did you magically throw all of this together?”
I chuckled and braced myself on my elbows. “I’ll have you know I am an honest businessman and I definitely couldn’t have done all of this on my own, as much as I would love the credit.”
She took a sip from her juice and watched me above the rim of the glass. “Oh?”
“Yes, I paid the tavern for most of it. They needed the business and I figured it was about time we had something substantial. The men will be back in a few days and they will enjoy what’s left.”
“You received word?” She pulled at her napkin nervously and I wondered if something was bothering her or if it was just a habit.
“Yes, I got a pigeon yesterday. They were about a week away when they sent it.” I stood up and started gathering the plates. She did the same. I held my hands out. “I’ll take those.”
She shook her head. “I would like to help. I feel like I’m going crazy.”
“What was it like in there the last few months?” The question took us both by surprise but I could no longer hold it back.
“Lonely. Empty.” She got a faraway look in her eye before she turned into the kitchen
and left me standing there. “I wouldn’t wish that experience on anyone. I was starved, beaten and left to die on a few occasions. I even prayed that death would take me.” She had her back to me as she spoke. Her voice trembled with every word.
I placed my hand on her shoulder and stopped her from washing our dishes. They could wait. Her body tensed. “I’m glad that it didn’t.”
She nodded her head and continued to face the sink. “Now, so am I. Thank you again for all of this. Someday I will repay you.”
“That was never the deal,” I said softly.
Ella shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. Nothing is free.”
I knew this conversation would go nowhere good and I had to stop it. I wasn’t going to try to convince her that she would never have to repay me. She was too stubborn for her own good. Her stance was already set in defiance.
“How are your stitches?” I changed the subject. Her shoulders relaxed a tad.
She shrugged. “I don’t know anything about stitches or how to take them out. I look healed up, but I can’t tell you if that’s only on the surface.”
“Come on, I’ll take a look.” I tried to lead her into the hallway but she gave me a curious look.
“Fine,” I held my hands up. “I can check them in here.”
She pushed herself up onto the counter and I couldn’t help but grin. She had gotten considerably stronger and her leg was fully healed from the way she was walking and hopping onto the cupboard. I inclined my head slightly and asked, “May I?”
Ella nodded and pulled the tunic up but the way she was bent over, I couldn’t see anything. I sighed. “I can’t look at your wound with you sitting up there. The angle of it is too odd. You’ll have to lie down. But if it makes you feel more comfortable, I can check it in the morning.”
She gave me a soft smile before she retreated back to my bedroom, halfway down the hall I heard, “Thank you, Robin. I appreciate you more than you will ever know.”
Thirty-Four
Arabella
I hadn’t been able to get out of that kitchen fast enough. As much as I had enjoyed the company spent with Robin, I knew I had to find out his real identity. Especially now that I was growing more suspicious of it. I pressed my palms into my eyes and groaned. There was no way he could be Alister, right? No absolute way. None whatsoever. Everyone was dead. That’s what they had said. But who was operating the carriages? Who was taking care of everything else in the castle? I had to see for myself. I couldn’t stand to not know any longer, but I also couldn’t risk being seen. And at the same time, I had no idea how to even get back. I was in the middle of the woods and had been brought in unconscious. I would certainly get lost and what if I couldn’t find my way back? What if the aunts found me instead? Robin had said the cottage had burned down but what if they were looking for me? What if they were still lurking nearby? I wouldn’t and couldn’t go back to that life.
I looked at the side tables. The two tables I hadn’t had any interest in going in before. Why? Because there was no point in snooping. What would I find? Before it wouldn’t have mattered. Before I wouldn’t have felt the need to be so quiet. But now? Now everything was different. My mind raced with all the things I would find. Who was he really under that mask?
The drawer didn’t make a sound as I slid it open. Besides some bandages, it was empty. I let out a sigh and my body relaxed slightly. What had I been expecting?
The next table practically called to me. I crawled across the bed and opened the thing without a care in the world this time. My world stopped. Time froze. My body felt like it was hot and cold at the same time.
On the top of the pile of random things, there was my book. The book that I had read a lifetime ago. The book I had practically attacked Alister with in the garden. The pages were worn and weathered like he had read them and reread them again and again. I touched the paper tenderly and closed my eyes. His voice sounded so different now. Was it really him? His voice was deeper and rougher than it had been before.
I clicked my teeth together. I had to find out if it was really him. I couldn’t reveal my identity until I knew it was him first.
The pile of clothes had a nightgown tucked under them. It was a small thing, but it wouldn’t do for the mission I was going to go on. It was certainly beautiful and would catch Robin/Alister’s eye. But I needed him to check my stitches, not get a show. I pulled the lace nighty over my head then some white britches on under it.
I poked my head out the door and called down the hall. “Robin?” I had almost messed up. I had almost called him Alister in my rush.
He didn’t answer me immediately. But when he did his voice was muffled through the door. I approached the room slowly and knocked. “Come in,” he called. “Is everything okay?”
“Yes, I just need you to check the stitches, I didn’t want to wait till morning.” My voice trembled and I hoped he couldn’t hear it.
I pushed the door open and was met with a bare back before he pulled his suit over his head. Disappointment was hot in my veins. He coughed and motioned to the bed. “You can lay down and I’ll look at it in a second.”
I did as he instructed and my body was on fire. I closed my eyes and willed my heart to slow down. There was no way he couldn’t hear it thundering in my chest. He turned around and his hood, once again, covered most of his face. I lifted the nighty but managed to keep my breasts covered as he pulled at the skin that had been damaged.
“Looks good, you’ll feel a slight pull as they come out, but it shouldn’t hurt.” I closed my eyes as he yanked on the string. He hadn’t lied. It was indeed a strange feeling as the string pulled free from my chest. I inhaled and finally opened my eyes. He was still checking where I had been wounded as I observed him.
“Thank you,” I whispered. His head inclined and I couldn’t see his eyes. It was all I wanted. I picked my head up to get closer to him, to see him, to touch him. Anything. He pulled away.
“You should really bathe.” He chuckled and shook his head.
“Some men like dirty women.” It was a jab. It was enough to stun him for me to get up from the bed and reach for his hood. He knocked my arm away before he seized my wrists.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Anger filled his voice.
“I have to know who you really are.” Desperation and sadness filled my own voice. “Please.”
He shook his head and left the room.
Had it worked? Had he recognized the witty wording that we had exchanged before in the labyrinth? It seemed like a lifetime ago, but I could remember his temper like it was yesterday. I had to continue to get under his skin. But if I knew me, I knew I would take it too far like I always did.
Thirty-Five
Arabella
Was this the moment that everything would change? I closed my eyes. I couldn’t stand to look at myself in the mirror any longer. I knew what I needed to, but could I actually do it?
The cold steel of the scissors sent chills down my spine. Could I really chop my hair off? I was worried about his suspicions or who he was, maybe I could just change things drastically. Like, cut all my hair off? I sniffed. My hair, my beautiful hair that I had loved so much that was now a matted mess of nastiness.
The scissors hit the floor with a clatter and I stared at my hands. I couldn’t do it. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing for me to finally wash my hair. I ran the water and was thankful that Robin had somehow managed to get running, hot water up here. I reveled in the feeling of the hot water as I lowered myself into the wooden tub. After all this time of me washing my body halfway, I hadn’t worried with any soap. Now it was different. I needed something to get all the nasty out of the tendrils. It was well past my butt now but I wondered how much of it would fall out when I was finished with it.
There were little bottles of oils and soaps under the washbasin. Some of them smelled like the clothes I had been given that belonged to Robin and others were a soft smell, like lavender and vanilla. I chose t
he vanilla one and left it at that. As much as I loved the way Robin’s clothing smelled, I wanted to smell feminine. It had been far too long since I had felt like a princess. I hated being one, but I didn’t mind the perks that came along with it now.
I dumped the soap all over my head. An entire bottle, I no longer cared. I needed to feel normal. I needed to smell good. If I was going to go through this, I needed to go all out. As much as I could, at least.
Scrubbing the soap into my hair was a lot harder than I had thought it would be. If I had continued to go down this road of no washing it would be impossible and the only way to return was by shaving. My body slid under the water. I held my breath as the water washed over my head and face. I laid there without a care in the world until there was a knock on the door.
“Yes?” I called out.
“Are you okay?” Robin asked through the door.
“Yeah, I’m just finally able to take a good bath and I don’t want to get out.” I sighed. “My body hasn’t felt this relaxed in months.”
I could hear him chuckle on the other side of the door. “Take your time then.”
That was exactly what I planned to do.
* * *
Fear had kept me from doing a lot in my life and I knew it would be a main contributor for the rest of it, but as I looked in the mirror at my shining, golden hair, I was glad I hadn’t let fear win. That didn’t mean that I hadn’t lost any. There were large clumps of hair at the bottom of the tub still, but my hair still looked great. My face was radiant and never looked so spotless. I looked like myself again, except for the scar stretching across my face. My eyes didn’t shine with the innocence they once had either. They were harder and a tad duller. It made me sad to see it, to recognize it.