‘We know you like it. But you can’t like it all the time?’ Tess says. ‘There’s only a few that’ll want to see you’re all right. Most don’t care. Like that soldier fella. He’s a lover.’
I laugh at her. Tess holds my hair and pulls, ‘Like you don’t know, ya wagon. Stealing him from me.’
I didn’t steal her soldier. But she stole from me!
‘Don’t lie. He said he was seen ta and he was askin’ for you. Like all of them that are any good. They all want their favourite Molly.’
‘You could be a hairdresser and you’re a good cook,’ Peggy tells Tess.
‘I make more money at this. Quiet these days though, eh? Professor might be scaring them off. Or the sergeant calling.’
‘Nothing we can do about either,’ Peggy admits.
‘Suppose not.’
‘I’m gonna get Fionn soon,’ I tell them to shut them up.
Tess throws her eyes to heaven. ‘There’s no talking to the likes of you.’
‘I will make things better myself.’
‘All by yourself?’ Tess asks.
‘Tired of waiting.’
‘Aren’t we all,’ Tess replies. ‘Fed up of fucking.’
‘What are you going to do?’ Peggy leans forward in her chair. ‘The Professor won’t be too happy if you flit off on him and I don’t fancy dealing with him if that happens.’
‘He isn’t my problem.’
‘Aren’t you all cocksure?’ Tess rolls her eyes. ‘If he gets pissed off, he’s all of our problem.’
‘Think or talk to us before you do anything,’ Peggy begs.
‘My life.’
‘The cheek! And Peggy hasn’t been good to you or nothing?’ Tess says.
I bite my nail to stop me from screaming at them both.
Peggy’s voice goes all posh. ‘I care about you, Molly. More than anyone. I worry about you. Look out for you.’
‘You use me. You,’ I point into her once pretty face, ‘YOU, use me.’
41
‘I promised you a present,’ the Professor says as Tiny carries in a big box and puts it on the kitchen table. This is going to drive the other girls wild. They never get presents. He has his arm around my waist pretending that we are like a man and woman should be. He smells of death. It wrinkles my nose.
‘Do you not want to open it?’ Peggy snaps.
I don’t need to. It is a gramophone record player.
‘It’s an expensive gift. Say thank you, Molly,’ Peggy says at me, when she’s taken off the brown paper wrapping. I sup my tea and wink at the Professor. He knows that I love music.
‘You’re welcome, Mol. I’ll do anything for my Molly.’
‘For fuck’s sake,’ I hear from eavesdropping Tess outside the open door.
‘Molly’s a lucky girl,’ Peggy says in her posh voice. I want to stab her with the scissors but, of course, my protectors won’t let me. The good days are coming, if I just have patience.
It’s May before I know it and the sunshine brings out the happiness in everyone. Peggy and the others are in the backyard watching the sheets batter about in the breeze. I love my records. I only have two. One is all the way from America, across the ocean. ‘Summertime and the living is easy’, and the other is ‘Molly Malone’ who had her barrows of cockles and mussels in Dublin.
I love to dance and sing. It lifts me up and away. My summer dress is stuck to me but I dance and sing on. ‘Your daddy’s rich and your mama’s good-looking…’ This always makes me smile. Daddy being rich? Ha!
Tommy is standing in the hallway when I dance out there. He is not looking good. There’s a gash over his left eye and he has blood on his shirt. I take him to the sink in the kitchen not asking him anything.
‘You know about this?’ he asks. ‘You know who did this to me?’
‘I only know what I can see.’
‘The Professor’s big lad, clocked me one. I’m tired of ducking and diving because of you.’
‘Me?’
‘I won’t have you with other men any more.’
‘Then marry me,’ I tell him plain as day.
‘My da and ma wouldn’t allow it.’
I’ve stopped his bleeding but I wonder should I start it again. He is on about them again. There is always an excuse.
‘Are you a man at all?’
He gets up on those sturdy legs of his and tries to make me feel small. ‘You’re not someone they’d… You aren’t stupid like everyone thinks. You know what I mean.’
I fold my arms and wait for him to go on.
‘I mean, you don’t… I mean…’
‘Are you going to rescue me from the Professor and take me away or not?’
He paces and has his hands in his hair. ‘I wish I could. I want to…’
‘You want! Pah!’
‘Don’t, Molly. Don’t be like that now.’ He tries to hold me. ‘I need ya, Molly.’
‘But that is not enough.’
‘I’d do anything for you.’
The sound of his lies is unbearable. He loves me, but is too scared of his own situation to do anything about it.
‘You’re a mouse of a man.’
He lets go of me. His face is red and his jaw tight. ‘Stop that chat now.’
‘You don’t do anything for me. You are selfish like all the rest.’
‘I take a beatin’ for ya and this is the thanks I get!’
‘It’s not my fault you won’t stop coming here.’
‘Do you want me to stop? Everyone wants me to. The Professor, Tiny, my ma! Me da thinks that I’m a big eejit. And Peggy. They all want this over with.’
‘I want this over one way or another!’ I start washing the dishes in the sink to do anything rather than have to deal with him.
‘You want rid of me?’
‘You’ll go like all the rest.’
‘I can’t believe you think that. I won’t leave you. Don’t make me,’ Tommy says.
‘You will leave me like all the rest.’
‘Stop that.’
‘I have a bastard son, Tommy.’
This stops him in his tracks. He is thinking of me with other men now. He sees his mother’s disgusted face and his heart crawls at the thoughts of another man’s child.
‘No?’ he breathes. ‘Where?’
‘I’ll get him back and we can be a family.’
‘NO!’
‘Yes!’
Like lightning, his hand is in my hair. Tangled in amongst my curls. He promised to never hurt me but his grip is sore and he tugs me towards him. I’m back in under Vincent when Tommy shoves me and pins me against the sink. There’s a knife I’ve washed at my fingertips. There are no voices telling me that it is Tommy, and that I love him, and to stop. Vincent is all that I think of and every inch of fear and loathing makes me fight out of his grip. The knife moves with me and slashes his side. He lungs at me and I stab, whack, slice whatever gets in the way. Years of pain are screamed out of me. There is blood. There’s a lot of blood. I roar again and drop the knife. It was as quick as a blink – as fast as that.
I fought back.
My hand trembles and there are women screaming. I’m in under the table and Daddy has just thumped me, the chair legs shield me from him. He laughs and tells me that I’ll have to be grateful and do what I’m told. Peggy is saying similar things. Giving out to me. Then trying to get me to come out.
‘Molly, what’s happened? Where is he?’ she is asking.
‘Gone.’
Tommy is gone like everyone else is.
‘Is it you that’s bleedin’?’ Peggy asks.
‘No.’
‘You sure?’
‘Stabbed him.’
She kneels to look in under the table. ‘Where is he now?’
I push my hair out of the way. All that I know is I am going to get away from them all. I might even get back to prison now. That wouldn’t be so bad, but they won’t let me have Fionn there.
‘Come out of
there. Let me see you. I’m worried.’ Peggy pulls at my arm. I thump her hand off my arm. ‘Is he definitely away?’ she asks.
‘Yes. Gone. Won’t marry me. Doesn’t want Fionn.’ I hold my knees to my chin and close my eyes. I’m by the sea and all is grand. My Dr Brady is with me and Jude too. Fionn is in my arms.
‘Who needs a man, Molly? Sure, you have me and the girls. Please come out. Tell me what happened. Please? Molly.’
I can’t be here. I have to be away somewhere else.
Peggy is getting cross. ‘I’m going to have to clear up this mess. You silly girl.’
‘Do ya think she killed him?’ Tess asks.
‘Wouldn’t think so or someone would be calling.’
‘She needs to be taken away.’
‘You’ll go before she does,’ Peggy says. ‘Talk to me, Molly.’
The kettle whistles into a boil.
‘We’ll be all right. Just you wait and see. We could put on some of your music? Do you think you hurt him bad? Did you hurt men before? You cannot do that again. Do you hear me? You cannot use a knife like that. They’ll take you away. Take you from me.’
I fix my hair and stand looking out into the fading sunshine. Going away is what I need. The anger in me rises again, I can’t stop it and there are no angels. Whatever is in their plan is happening. Why does everything have to be so hard?
‘I need you here,’ Peggy says. ‘I need you to stay with me. I need you with me, Molly.’
The cheek! I laugh at her. I like the sound of my laugh. It rises high and all around us. I spit when I say, ‘I don’t need to stay with you. I hate you.’
42
The truth is, I don’t hate Peggy. Much as I try, I can’t even dislike her much. I just know that the time has come for me to leave. Darkness is following her and she can’t shake it. Her heart is good but her choices are poor. Someday she’ll listen to me and she will know that I’m not the weakling that she thinks I am. There is so much to say to her if she was open to hearing any of it. I’m waiting in the quietness of the chapel. The vaulted ceiling, the ornate plaster, the patterned tiles, the smell of incense and the sound of the angels coil around me as I dance in the aisle and hold my hands upwards. I do it all the way home and find the doctor coming from number 34.
‘What are you doing?’ His voice is calm, his walk interested and his head to one side.
‘Dancing in the light.’
‘I can see that.’
‘The angels like it when I dance to their singing.’
He folds his arms across his chest and his eyes sparkle in amusement.
‘I need you to keep a secret,’ I say.
‘Anything for you, Molly.’
‘I cannot write and I need to ask you to write to a Dr Brady in Sligo and tell him something for me. Can you do that? Please?’
‘Of course. I’d do anything for you, Molly. You know that.’
‘Tell him I’ll be in the Royal Hospital this coming Friday. I need him to please come to me. I need him to rescue me again.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Please write and tell him and mind my money for me too. It’s not much but it’s all that I have.’ I thrust my purse at him. ‘Don’t tell Peggy. Or anyone, please? I need to trust you.’
‘Hospital? Rescue?’
I’m away up and in the door with my sandals making no noise, as he says, ‘I’ll do all that you ask, Molly. I promise.’
I know that he will, because the shadows have plans. I know he’ll not let me down. He’ll keep the money no doubt. I can’t think about that or about what I have to do next… it must be done. It must be done.
43
Peggy has left me be, after hearing from Tess that the sergeant is downstairs. No doubt the sergeant is coming for me, because of Tommy. In the bath, my fingers go wrinkly and I think of when I thought I was melting into the water. Violet and the doctor allowed me to swim on and on and the water was nice on my skin. I still love being clean. The water is clever as it finds all of me. My gramophone plays in the corner, the rose-scented soap is smooth but slips out onto the floor as the words of the song lift me into them.
It won’t be as bad as it seems, I tell myself as I slice the skin between my left elbow and wrist. I let the knife run in so that it makes me bleed deep red blood. I dig down on the blade and pull it deeper. It is beyond sore. I bite my lip as the pain becomes unbearable and blood pours into the water. Doing it again is not so easy and the right arm is merely marked. I try it again. The bath’s tin clunks when the knife hits off it and the water swirls pink for a while.
I lie back and wait on one life to die and the next to begin. The room goes misty.
The sergeant is here quicker than I thought anyone would be. I’m naked and slippery and he’s shouting and heaving me out of the water. Peggy is here now, too, trying to cover me in the towel, worrying about me. Lord love her, the guilt is falling off her with the biggest tears. They think they’re stopping the blood from pumping so hard. They’re fighting about the time and what to do. The towel is cosy. I’m glad to be covered. I know to stay quieter than I’ve ever been. The lack of blood makes everything muffled anyhow, the thumping on the stairs, the strange men’s fingers digging into my flesh, lifting me, carrying me. I’m bundled, as I always am, into the back seat of a car. It drives quickly, spinning its wheels away from Peggy, from number 34 and all that I know.
I am a fallen woman, and a whore, in the eyes of them all who come to care for me. I’m also a sinner, of an even higher degree. They whisper loudly, ‘Tried to do away with herself. She’s a whore. Gave her name as Molly McCarthy. She has been in prison as well!’
The gasps off them are loud as they bless themselves and stare at me. It doesn’t take long for someone to announce, ‘She’s that famous healer from Sligo that the priests talked about. Do you remember?’
‘She never is?’
‘She is! I’m telling ya now that’s who she is – “The Red-haired vixen”. Remember her?’
‘I do! And the papers had her picture. That’s her, I’m telling ya.’
Just as I’m starting to panic that the Professor or Vincent will hear of where I am, I see my bearded saviour stride up the corridor towards me. He’s pointed in the direction of my bed and he sees me instantly and starts to run.
‘Molly darlin’,’ he breathes into my hair, grabbing me and hurting me in a hug as large as I can take. ‘We came as quickly as we could. We’re here now.’
It’s then I see Violet at his elbow and her mouth is twisted in sadness. There are drops on her cheeks and there are more ready to come. I reach for her hand and she takes mine. She wants forgiveness.
‘I am here for you now, Molly. We’ll take you home where you belong.’
There’s not a need for a word of forgiveness from me. She nods and dabs her nose with a hanky and looks at my bandages.
‘I didn’t bleed for long,’ I tell them. ‘Just long enough to get here.’
‘Where have you been? The prison didn’t know anything, of course, and there was no word. Your father’s…’
‘Daddy?’ I ask them, suddenly fearing he, too, might be behind them. He isn’t.
‘Michael’s fine,’ Violet answers. ‘He’s still drinking, though.’
‘Jude?’
‘He’s grand, but in school. We didn’t tell him much… yet.’ Violet’s words struggle out, ‘Jane O’Shea’s well. She’s back in Violet Cottage, for many months now. She’s waiting to see you.’
I catch a good glimpse of the angels’ plans for me. My heart soars and I lie back with a sigh. Dr Brady finds a chair and tiny stool. The doctor perches on the stool and looks funny with his knees quite high and his head lower than Violet in her matching tweed jacket and skirt. She’s blowing her nose. This wipes away her rouge with each swipe.
‘Where have you been? They say you were in a terrible place and there was a mention of trouble with the law again?’ Dr Brady leans forward, his beard getting a sc
ratch. ‘We tried to find you. Your Aunt Bredagh did too, but then she took off with that Vincent fella.’
Violet pats his arm to silence him. Bredagh gave in to his womanising and wanted his attention. But even she doesn’t deserve someone like Vincent.
‘Bredagh’s in Dublin then?’ I squint around them, half-expecting her to march in here with Vincent at her heels. ‘I’m better now. I need to get out and away.’
‘I’ll speak with the doctor and see what’s happening.’
Dr Brady’s off the stool and it wobbles a little. That leaves Violet and me alone, as the bed’s empty beside me.
‘I…’ she starts. ‘I’d no idea what would happen… I’m s–’
‘Violet, I have a son in Cavan. I need to get to a ship to take us across an ocean.’
‘What?’
‘He’s called Fionn. He’s a healthy boy like Jude.’
‘He’s…’
‘In Cavan. We’ll have to go there. I need to get him.’
‘But–’
‘I know you won’t like that I have a child.’
‘I–’
‘It wasn’t a choice of mine. It was forced on me.’
‘Oh Molly. That’s fierce!’
‘There’s a woman who is paid to look after him until recently. She knows I’ll be back for him.’
Violet is speechless.
‘We need to go,’ Dr Brady says when he arrives back in a rush. ‘The doctor over your care is happy for me to take charge of you. But apparently, the guards will want a word with you. Something about abortions?’ He whispers the last word and his eyebrows go very high over his spectacles.
Violet tugs at his sleeve. ‘She has a son too, Richard. Our Molly has a son.’
‘Peggy,’ I mutter. ‘It’s a woman called Peggy who does the abortions.’
‘They think you’d something to do with it.’
‘I was in a bad place with bad people. Poor Peggy.’
‘Molly wants to get her son, Richard, and to get a ship.’ Violet doesn’t want me to talk about abortions and definitely doesn’t want me to go away again. Her heart is sore at the thought of it. ‘Richard?’
The Healer: a dark family drama Page 14