This is the very questionable element I bought and your mother asks to be given back—for some vague reason known fully in the depths of your family psychology. The assumption is that you were a great prize package—by your own admission many years after (and for which I have [never] reproached you) you had been seduced and provincially outcast. I sensed this the night we slept together first for you’re a poor bluffer and I loved you—romantically— like your mother, for your beauty + defiant intelligence; but unlike her I wanted to make it useful. I failed, as she did, but my intentions were a hell of lot purer and since you could have left me at any time I’d like to discover the faintest basis for your family’s accusation that I drove you crazy. In so far as it was the conscious work of man, that old witch drove you crazy. You were “crazy” in the ordinary sense before I met you. I rationalized your eccentricities and made a sort of creation of you. But dont fret—if it hadn’t been you perhaps I would have worked with more stable material. My talent and my decline is the norm. Your degeneracy is the deviation
(end of thought)
252. TO ZELDA
TL (CC), 1 p.29 October 6 1939
Dearest Zelda:-
Living in the flotsam of the international situation30 as we all are, work has been difficult. I am almost penniless—I’ve done stories for Esquire because I’ve had no time for anything else with $100. bank balances. You will remember it took me an average of six weeks to get the mood of a Saturday Evening Post story.
But everything may be all right tomorrow. As I wrote you—or did I—friends sent Scottie back to college.31 That seemed more important than any pleasure for you or me. There is still two hundred dollars owing on her tuition—and I think I will probably manage to find it somewhere.
After her, you are my next consideration; I was properly moved by your mother’s attempt to send for you—but not enough to go overboard. For you to go on your first excursion without a nurse, without money, without even enough to pay your fare back, when Dr. Carrol is backing you, and when Scottie and I are almost equally as helpless in the press of circumstances as you—well, it is the ruse of a clever old lady whom I respect and admire and who loves you dearly but not wisely.
None of you are taking this very well. Rosalind and Newman who wouldn’t lend Scottie a few hundred for Vassar entrance, when, in 1925, I lent him five hundred—and you and I were living on a bank margin of less than I lent! It would, according to Rosalind, behind whom he hid, inconvenience them. I borrowed to lend him the money when his life-insurance policy lapsed! Live and learn. Gerald and Sar[a] did lend me the money!—and as gracefully as always.
I ask only this of you—leave me in peace with my hemorrhages and my hopes, and what eventually will fight through as the right to save you, the permission to give you a chance.
Your life has been a disappointment, as mine has been too. But we haven’t gone through this sweat for nothing. Scottie has got to survive and this is the most important year of her life.
With Dearest Love Always,
5521 Amestoy Avenue
Encino, California
253. TO SCOTT
[October 1939]
ALS, 5 pp.
[Highland Hospital, Asheville, North Carolina]
Dear Scott:
Needless to say; your letter somewhat hurt me. Very possibly you do not give thought to the fact that this hospital regimentation, while most excellent for whipping into shape, is very gruelling over long periods of time. Pleasure, twice a week—from my most unbiased attitude—is indispensable. The authorites have been most kind about sending me to the movies and advancing money for necessities; and I am deeply indebted to Dr. Carroll for his courtesy and consideration, and even generosity
However: Christmas is coming[.] I want to remember Scottie and Rosalind and Mamma—most imperatively, and there is a friend here that the social usage as well as my good-will would like to give something to.
I can charge in Gene Wests if you will drop her a note to that effect: but I would prefer that—if such is within possibility—you send me direct cash not through the Bank but care [of] Grove Park Inn. If you will write me that you want me to look up some friends of yours there; and will let me know when I will understand that there is a communication there for me. It’s awful to be stripped of any sane resources of a vaguely charitable nature.
Especially since there is no minimizing the fact that I have a right to feel that I would be better off at home released from this five hours physical effort in the freezing cold—It is good for one year and agony for three. I am now well able to make a social in the bigger sense effort: Mamma would be happy to have me: if any trouble arose I could and would return here—and short of your possibly paranoiacal self-defensive reflex I cant see any legitimization of keeping me under hospitalization much longer.
I am indeed grateful that Scottie is having such a happy time. She is a very fortunate person in lots of ways and its good that the war hasnt hit her good fortune as yet. Is there any chance of seeing her during the holidays?
About yourself: I am appreciative of the difficulties of your circumstance. It’s more than hard to work when you’re sick—and I trust that life will not continue forever in the heaping of ashes. If you would let me do what is of a socially constructive; and personally desirable nature you would at least be released from the financial obligations of this very expensive place.
You wrote me an accusatory letter of distrust concerning ambivalences[?]. There is every reason to believe that I am more able to observe the social dictat[e]s than yourself—on the evidence of our “vacations” from the hospital—which have been to date a dread affair of doctors and drink and confirmation of the impossibility of any equitable reunion. Although you know this—and that the probabilities are much against our ever having any life together again—you are persistent in not letting me have a chance to exist alone—at least in comfort—in Alabama and make my own orientation. Or even in Ashville. I might be able to get a job: in any case living outside costs far less than living in, paying for medical supervision that is no longer requisite. I could board and do half time here for far less than I now cost; and I would be relatively happier. Wont you, in fairness, please consider this letter from some other basis than that I am your possible enemy and that your first obligation is self-defensive and answer me care of the Inn— because although there is no rule against “ad lib” patients communicating outside the hospital it might be questioned. I dont want to have my letters boiled down to a very optimistic evasion of all issues of a very relevant nature.
I trust that you will accord me the courtesy to acknowledge the justice of this presentation.
—After all: twenty dollars is the price of friends to dinner to you— and would keep me entertained a month.
Sincerely
Zelda
Oil paints cost $5 [a] canvas; and about $4 paint and oil—is a very expensive field and is therefore in an abeyance that I trust to be temporary—
I paint water colors
254. TO ZELDA
TL (CC), 1 p.
November 20 1939
Dearest Zelda:-
Things go along rather precariously here. I’ve gotten $100. ahead this week, enough to make it possible to submit the first two chapters of the novel to Collier’s, I think. And this morning a barage of telegrams from Scottie asking for some quite necessary money (getting a coat out of storage, etc., plus transportation to Baltimore for the long awaited Peaches Finney party) which puts quite a dent in the sum.
Isn’t it strange that a year ago there was so much and now suddenly it’s as hard to come by as it was in 1936. I wish you had some merchandising instinct and could think of a way of selling some of your pictures. Couldn’t you photograph enough of them to make up a sort of looseleaf booklet so that we could get someone interested?
Now please try not to worry me with any problems for a week as I need peace of mind desperately.
With dearest love,
Encino, California
255. TO SCOTT
[November 1939]
ALS, 4 pp.
[Highland Hospital, Asheville, North Carolina]
Dearest Scott:
The world makes theatre for the most scintillant and rarified of weathers. The mornings are decorous and perfected and outlined in frost and the dusks are lonely and haunted and nostalgic, and lovely. These regions of such dramatic silhouette are the best of sets for whatever cosmic constitutes the fall.
Thanks very much for the money. I will start painting again tomorrow with the greatest enthusiasm. I still dream of one-day launching these dynamics of the soul upon the public, and will keep my aspiration as life permits.
Won’t you please do something about my trip home? I’ve got the money; as you know Mamma very much wants to see me. It is not improbable that having been confined to her house since last February she feels—as I do myself that there will not always be a home to go to. May I go at Thanksgiving; or do you prefer Christmas? I’m sure that Doctor Carroll will subscribe to whatever you suggest, if you will be kind enough to give him the authorization.
Meantime, its wonderful news about the novel. It must give you a most constructive and aspirational presentation of life to feel that you are progressing again. This ought to be a most auspicious time for books about the movies. In times of such stress, any field of glamour has an added desirability.
One last word of business flavor. My friends here have a weekly allowance for pleasure money. Would it be possible to arrange with the hospital for me to have three dollars a week (not to include painting expense which is far more, and can go in my bills, or as you arrange). The money is for dinner in town, a movie, or to treat a friend to a soda occasionally. It is impossible to obtain access to any funds without the family’s consent so wont you take care of this for me? It wont be possible to start on the fifty dollars just sent as allowance because I need it for Christmas presents, and to buy new canvas. But as you are able will you write Dr. Carroll about the pin-money.
Dont work too hard: you wont ever be able to replace your lungs, but you might some other time be able to write a book.
Rosalind write[s] of a glamorous winter for Scottie. She says there was a lovely picture of her in the paper. I’ll try to corral one for us. I suppose the youth will turn more apostrophicly tragic and dramatic than even of our own time due to the strategic moment in which the[y] seek their destiny. I envy them.
Devotedly
Zelda
256. TO SCOTT
[December 1939]
ALS, 2 pp.
[Highland Hospital, Asheville, North Carolina]
Dear Scott:
Thanks for the money. Wont you wire me where to reach Scottie at Christmas? Is there any probability of her coming to Ashville? And still—what shall I do about giving her a present? Wont you wire me credit to Jean West? I’m sure she wouldnt press you for the bill.
Meantime: I paint on a small scale, and do the best I can to present life to myself in the glibbest possible terms. I most drearily [dearly?] want to live outside: I could still commute; if you want me to stay under medical jurisdiction, and such arrangement would be so much less expensive than persisting in this soin that is not of any particular relevance any more. It seems to me that Carroll would be glad to be rid of the financial liabilities, at least.
Meantime: I haven’t any superficial revelations to make and all the things I want to tell you are of so much import that I dont like to begin until circumstance is become less harassing.
Scottie must have been wreathed in dreams at the ball. It is, au moins, an inspiration to begin life under such auspices
The Ashville sky is treating us not unkindly; as yet there have been no casualities from blizzard or from cosmic threatenings: however I often envy you the blooming clouds of California—and am glad that at least you are warm—
Devotedly
Zelda
257. TO ZELDA
TL (CC), 1 p.
December 6 1939
Dearest Zelda:-
I will somehow manage to pay that bill at Jean West’s though she may have to wait a couple of months, but I am confused by this. Won’t the hospital wonder where you got a new dress? The only thing would be to pretend that Rosalind sent it to you from Atlanta care of Jean West or that Rosalind authorized Jean West to make it for you. But for God’s sake be careful because you know that Dr. Carroll would consider this wiring and writing me from outside as a complete breach of good faith on both our parts. I cannot write him directly because I know that the hospital would immediately deprive you of any leave. So it’s much better for you not to telegraph me or communicate with me in any form at present except through legitimate hospital channels. It should be very apparent to you that since I am in the red with them I have no possible right to buy you clothes or outfits that you couldn’t in any way accept through the hospital with their consent and cooperation. I am only too aware how much lack of money cripples a person.
This autumn is awfully important in Scottie’s life and I want her to have a decent amount of clothes. Someone sent her a $25.00 bag and she changed it for an evening dress, but I assure you that however she may have appeared to you last spring this dose of poverty is making her very cautious about every penny she spends. She seems to be doing excellently at Vassar this year, at least I hope I can believe the good words that she writes me in her letters, but it is just simply impossible for me to outfit you this fall. Tuberculosis is much worse and I have been again confined to bed.
As I told you before, I do plan if it can possibly be managed, for you to go to Montgomery Christmas and equally to give you and Scottie a glimpse of each other. On the other hand if you play hooky you haven’t a chance of getting away with it. The hospital will catch you up sooner or later. There is nothing that I have to communicate with you that isn’t perfectly obvious. It boils down to the fact that I am very sick and very poor. If you are put “on bounds” again their whole attitude toward you will change in a minute.
Dearest love,
5521 Amestoy Ave.
Encino, California
258. TO ZELDA
TL (CC), 1 p.
December 15 1939
Dearest Zelda:-
Writing you at length tomorrow. Think, hope, believe, but have no confidence ever that I am going to work in Metro within the next two days. I have left the Swanson agency. There’s nothing like your old friends to hold you back.
With dearest love always,
5521 Amestoy Avenue
Encino, California
259. TO SCOTT
[December 31, 1939]
ALS, 4 pp.
[Highland Hospital, Asheville, North Carolina]
Dear Scott:
Bright immutable skies discipline this last day of the year into whatever annals it has inspired: one is granted a momentary respite from the passage of time.
May the New Year bring you every happiness, good health, and lots of money. Aspiration and inspiration are also two attributes that one should be happy of their bestowal
I will be making resolutions: each year I promise to perfect myself according to the best of my circumstance: thinking of ways to be and how to be it. It is good to meet the most aspirational facet of the immediate possibilities, and good to feel that ones resources are being exploited to capacity.
I will be very happy to see Scottie: it must be wonderful to have the world making its debut; and maybe even more wonderful—if also more cruel to be growing up in a world of such changing horizons. That generation will certainly need all the resources that they have been able to amass: which should be quite a lot because our time was too appalled at its own mistakes to take any chances; and thus gave the children a little after the manner of the bitter but conquering baron: the most of the “standard” of the era that they could afford.
Dear: won’t you please communicate with the hospital abo
ut letting me go? I am honestly well able to be out trying to “debrouir” [look after] myself; and want so dearly to make the effort.32 There isnt forever left to either of us; and now, for the immediate instance I have a home to turn to while I organize an existence—which will not always be the case. There’s no use evading these issues. It is extremely awkward to be without money but even more awkward not to be able to face the issue.
I now have no resources left; can’t go to the movies because there isn’t any money[.] Under such circumstance, wouldn’t it be wiser and more economical that I should be at home where my time might be more profitably employed? Since I can’t go to the movies? I ask you to acknowledge not only on the basis of your obligation to me—as your wife—but also on the terms of your social obligation: when there isn’t any money one has to live some other way, under a more fitting circumstance. I know that Mamma will be very happy to have me at home.
Meantime: its good to be able to receive uncensored mail—I do believe I’m growing up.
There isnt any news: I havent seen our mutual friend any more but intend to look her up, sometime when I’m able to ask her to do something.
Devotedly
Zelda
260. TO SCOTT
[January 1940]
ALS, 2 pp.
[Highland Hospital, Asheville, North Carolina]
Dear Scott:
The wind seeps under the window ledge and all periods of rest visit these mountain[s] on the qui-vivre. For the last few days: the Cosmos has been exhausting its repetoire of bad times until this Sunday evening, the world is almost balmy and at peace again. Or so it would seem.
Dear Scott, Dearest Zelda Page 34