by Kara Sharpe
XAVIER
The apartment has never felt too large before. Large, certainly — it was designed to be that. Xavier has always considered himself to be someone who likes his space.
As a child, he shared a bedroom with his siblings, and for the first decades of his vampire life he kept to small hideouts, unwilling to keep much in the way of possessions or responsibility.
This apartment is the biggest place he’s ever has as a home, by far, but it never felt too large.
But it’s for the best. He knows that. Every time the thought of eternity stretching out before him threatens to overwhelm, Xavier reminds himself of that. It’s for the best. For Adrian.
He can’t bring himself to sleep in his bed, or in the guest bed. Both of them smell like Adrian, like the two of them together. He rests on the sofa instead, letting the hours slip past as he lies very, very still, as if that will somehow lessen the terrible pain he feels.
After several days of this, the toll is clearly beginning to show. Or, as Lennon puts it as he pauses his Nintendo Switch and gives Xavier a long look one evening, “Xavier, when I tell you that you’re the saddest thing I’ve ever seen, I want you to remember that I’m a guy who remembers what it felt like to be murdered.”
Xavier gives him a tight smile. “I’m fine.”
“I still don’t understand why you made him leave,” Emelie says. He’s glad of the necessity of spending time in Emelie’s apartment in order to get his work done, he is, but Xavier’s not sure he wants this much interested company right now.
“Because it was selfish to keep him,” he replies.
Winter gives a snort. “Vampires aren’t exactly world-renowned for their altruism.”
Xavier supposes he shouldn’t have expected them to understand. Winter and Emelie have the kind of relationship where they’d consider Misery and Boxing Helena to be touching love stories of devotion.
“Xavier, I think I can safely say I’m the most qualified person here to say what is and what isn’t fair when it comes to vampires and humans and everything in between, okay?” Lennon says, sounding uncharacteristically serious. “And I tell you, one hundred percent, that I don’t regret anything. Even with how it ended. And if Em had tried to send me away, it would have broken my heart.”
“I never would. I’m not an idiot,” she says.
“I’m not an idiot,” Xavier protests. “I’m trying to be selfless, and—”
“You’re an idiot.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“You’re an idiot.”
He growls in frustration. “It’s too late now, anyway. I let him go. I don’t know where he is anymore.”
Emelie taps her phone a few times. “Oh, please. Give Nova twenty minutes, and we’ll have his address, you know that.”
Adrian’s building is perhaps even shittier than Xavier expected from his descriptions. He climbs the creaky stairs carefully, checking the numbers on each apartment’s door until he finds the correct one.
It’s propped open, a half a brick being used as a doorstop, and several cardboard boxes are stacked just inside.
Xavier knocks his knuckles against the door, hoping he’s in the right place.
“Lee? You’re on time for once, will wonders never fucking cease.”
Adrian steps into view, and it seems like time stops. Even though it’s only been a few nights, Xavier feels like an age has passed since he last saw him.
Neither of them speaks for a beat, and then Xavier finds his words again.
“I’m sorry. I wanted to be better than this. I wanted to let you go,” he says. “But I’m selfish. I want you. I want you to be mine more than I want to be good. You deserve a normal life, but I want you in mine. Can you bear that? Can you bear being between two worlds, having a foot in each?”
He’s babbling. Almost as badly as Adrian does. But now that he’s started, Xavier can’t stop.
“There’s one moment in the night, when it’s hardly night anymore. Just as dawn breaks, the world doesn’t belong to vampire or to humans. That can be ours. That’s all I can offer. An in-between.
“Adrian, I love you. I love you. I want to be with you forever.”
30
ADRIAN
His words are gone. Usually even in the worst situations — maybe even especially in the worst situations — Adrian can’t stop talking no matter what. But right now, staring at Xavier in shock, all the things he wants to say are just gone, too big inside his heart to get out.
No, no, he can’t stay quiet, Xavier’s going to think he doesn’t feel the same way. Words, don’t fail me now. Of all times, don’t fail me now.
“Meticulous,” he manages, and Xavier looks extremely puzzled that this is the word that comes out in response to ‘I love you,’ but honestly the guy should have known what he was signing up for when he decided that Adrian was the one he wanted to spend his time with. Weirdness comes with the territory.
“I love how you’re meticulous,” he manages this time. “And how you’re loyal. You’re so loyal. Your faith in Emelie goes down right into the center of every cell of your blood.”
He chokes up again. It hits him full-force that Xavier loves him that much too, as much as he loves Emelie. He has that same bone-deep loyalty, that same blood faith to Adrian as he does to his Queen.
He’ll never betray Adrian like Lee did. He’ll never put his own desires before Adrian’s safety.
Even when Xavier chained him to the bed he was never anything but careful, thoughtful, and kind. He never hurt Adrian, except in ways that made Adrian’s body sing with pleasure.
Adrian realizes that he’s been quiet a long time, and that Xavier is still waiting on him for some kind of coherent response. Adrian swallows back the lump forming in his throat, tries to ignore the tremble in his voice as he attempts to speak again.
“I’ll be… like Winter?”
Xavier smiles kindly, gently, stepping in close enough to touch Adrian’s face with the pad of one thumb. It comes away wet, which is how Adrian realizes he’s crying.
“Yes,” Xavier promises. “Like Winter. Protected and respected and loved. You’re so loved, Adrian.”
He chokes on a gasp, burying his face against Xavier’s collar as a precaution against more tears.
“I thought you didn’t want me.”
Xavier’s arms encircle him, holding him. Protecting him from all the terrible things that Adrian knows are out there in the world. He doesn’t have to be frightened of them anymore. Not when he’s here, safe in Xavier’s embrace.
“I will always want you,” Xavier promises. “I was trying to set you free because I thought you deserved better. The others said I was an idiot.”
That makes Adrian give a quiet, snuffly laugh. “I guess we’re both idiots.”
“I guess so.”
“The others… they don’t mind if I come back? If it’s going to make things tough for you, I don’t want—”
Now it’s Xavier’s turn to laugh. “Adrian, they all love you too, don’t you see that? We all want you there. You belong with us.”
Adrian will have a place where he belongs, not just because of what he’s worth as a tool for someone else’s gain but because they want him there, because they like his company. He’s not alone anymore.
He moves back from where his face was buried against Xavier’s collar, just enough so that he can wrap his arms around Xavier’s neck and bring him down into a deep kiss.
Nothing has ever felt more right in Adrian’s life. The nervous, jittery, fidgety energy that never leaves him alone settles down, just for a moment. Everything is still and good and exactly as it’s meant to be.
Whatever comes next, they’ll be able to handle it, because they aren’t alone. They have each other.
“Come on,” The rumble of Xavier’s voice against Adrian’s skin sends delighted shivers up his spine. He holds Adrian close, like he’s the most precious thing in the universe. “Let’s go home.”
Kara Sharpe, Blood Faith