“You flipped a coin for me?”
“It wasn’t like that,” Shane and I say in unison, desperate. We both step to her, but she holds out her hand. The distance between us is a mere few feet, but it’s like a canyon opened up in the hallway. One false step and I’ll plummet to the rocks below.
“Don’t,” is all Stevie says, her voice breaking. She pushes past us, her hand over her mouth as she runs down the hall and out the door.
Shane and I stare at each other in stunned silence for a beat, frozen. I can’t catch my breath, my mind circling for a solution, a way out of the colossal mess we created.
“Fuck,” I whisper, and Shane glares at me, his eyes two weapons ready to destroy me.
“Stevie Rosenstein?” one of the judges calls out. “We only have ten more minutes for your audition slot.”
Shane runs over to her, begging for an extension.
“Stevie had to run out for a bit. She’ll be back. Please wait for her?” Shane asks the judge. She raises an eyebrow.
“We’re here until five p.m. If she comes back before then, she can still try out,” she says before disappearing into the audition room.
I furiously tap out a text to Stevie.
Me
Don’t throw away this audition. Please let us explain.
Shane’s texting too until both our phones ding with an incoming message.
Stevie
Got in an Uber. Not auditioning. Leave me alone.
“She has to try out,” Shane says, throwing his drumsticks in his backpack, already heading for the exit. I follow and put my hand on his shoulder as we reach the top of the stairs. Shane turns, but this time all the anger and resentment over the coin toss drains from his eyes. He needs me and I need him. The only way we can fix this is together. “Let’s go find her. Get her to audition. Make her understand all of it. It’s the only way.”
“My car’s right outside,” I say, and we book it down the stairs.
CHAPTER 16
Stevie
I’m not in an Uber. I’m alone in a bathroom in the student center lobby. It smells like pee and Lysol, and I swear I’m about to be sick. My hands shake as I reread the text I sent to Drew and Shane.
Me
Got in an Uber. Not auditioning. Leave me alone.
A lie.
I turn my phone off. My sax dangles from the red strap hugging my neck. The weight strains my back as I close my eyes. My fingers tap the keys of my sax one by one. I worked too hard for this to walk away now. Tears soak my lashes and seep through my lids, warming my cheeks. A cavalier coin toss, a kid’s game. How could they view me like that? How could they not tell me, after all this time? An audible sob escapes my mouth, echoing against the cement walls. I cup my hand over my face as if I could stuff it back in. My heart pounds as I glance at my phone—only a few more minutes left of my audition slot. I don’t have time to process what this all means, my mind spinning at each possibility. I’m a bet. I’m a joke. I was never in control. They left me up to chance. Like Dad, they puppeteered the strings of my life.
Not this time. No one is messing this up for me. I’m not a chance. I’m someone worth fighting for. I am in control and I am auditioning. I breathe in deep to quiet my pounding heart. I lied so they wouldn’t wait for me, so they would leave this building, so I could concentrate without the two of them lurking outside the audition room. My tears dry on my cheeks as I smooth down my shirt. When I open the door to the bathroom, I peek around the corner to make sure the hallway is empty. Once I’m upstairs, more tension releases from my shoulders as I confirm Drew and Shane are nowhere in sight. I snatch the sheet music off the chair and head into the audition room. The judges look at me with concern, but I calmly adjust the music stand, arranging my papers in order.
“I’m ready,” I say with conviction. The judges nod in unison and my fingers hover over the keys. My mind flips from Drew to Shane one last time. Maybe it wasn’t a game. Maybe everything was as real as it felt. Despite what I learned, I care about them both, I know I do. I also know who I would choose if I had to pick. But now I’m unsure if I ever really knew either of them. I’m unsure if I want to choose. But when you fall for someone is it ever really a choice?
And then I shut it all off. I am in control here, not Drew, not Shane—me. And I am going to kill this audition. The reed vibrates against my tongue as I push out the first note of “Born to Run,” brassy and unapologetic. Music fills the audition room, the notes building on each other, the tempo increasing. I rip through the bars, jamming into the solo, the melody pumping through my veins. This song is pure magic. And when I get to the last note, it doesn’t peter out. It crosses the finish line loud and triumphant. I let out an exhausted breath of air and shift my eyes to the judges. They stare at me for a heart-stopping beat, then a judge wearing cat-eye glasses nods, the corner of her mouth curving up ever so slightly in approval. An unstoppable smile takes over my face, and for once nothing else matters except me, nailing this audition.
CHAPTER 17
Drew
Snow begins to fall from the sky, dusting the road. I turn on my high beams as the windshield wipers scrape at the glass. It’s like I’m inside a snow globe, flakes flying up, down, and sideways, the world slowly drifting to sleep beneath a white blanket. Shane and I didn’t speak the entire time we were on the highway. But when we finally get into town, the silence is so heavy I can’t stand it a second longer.
“Shane?” I ask quietly. He grunts in response, still pissed about everything that went down outside the audition room. Shane doesn’t think I notice the way he steals glances at Stevie in class, but it’s impossible to ignore. Hell, just the way he talks about her, it’s obvious. But the part I don’t want to admit, the part I’ve pushed deep down into the pit of my stomach, is the way Stevie looks at him. But like I said, I’d rather not think about it.
“Think we’ll get a snow day tomorrow?” Shane says, clearly not ready to talk about whatever is going on with him and Stevie.
“Hope so,” I say, double-timing the wipers, snow flying off the windshield.
“Maybe we can hit Mountain Creek,” Shane says, pulling his blue baseball hat from his backpack and securing it on his head. The thought of hitting the creek sends a smile across my face. Just me and Shane again, losing ourselves on the slopes.
“We need to apologize to her,” Shane says.
I snap my head to him before returning my gaze to the snow-covered road. I’m losing her. I know I am. Maybe I stole a chance from my best friend when we flipped that coin. God, his face when he says her name, all giddy like a little boy. So fucking happy, the way I was when I first kissed her, before I made a mess of it all.
“Admit it,” I say as I turn onto Ridge Road, all curves surrounded by woods on both sides. Snow-covered branches arch to the ground. I take my foot off the accelerator, slowing around the twists and turns.
“Admit what?” Shane unbuckles his seatbelt and takes off his jacket, wiping perspiration from his forehead. I turn down the heat, but something tells me it’s not the heat making him sweat.
“C’mon. Don’t make me say it.”
“Then I don’t need to tell you,” Shane says softly.
“I messed it all up,” I choke out. I messed it all up and I don’t know how to fix it. To get back to the beginning, when it was right and good. When Stevie made all the bad disappear.
“Fine, I admit it,” he whispers, leaning his head on the window. “I care about her, okay. A lot. And we need to explain everything to her. She needs to know that the way I feel is real.”
“It’s real for me too,” I say, hating that there’s no easy way out of this. Even though she finally forgave me for everything that happened with Ray, we’re barely hanging on. But what if I’ve already lost her? What if she was meant to be with Shane all along? And what if I lose him too?
“I wrote her a note,” he says, twisting one of the buttons on his shirt. “I told her everything about the begin
ning of the year, about the way I feel. I couldn’t take the lies and stuffed it in her locker yesterday. I wasn’t thinking. I shouldn’t have done it.”
“You what?” My hands clench the steering wheel, my knuckles turning white.
“I didn’t mean to go behind your back,” Shane says, shifting in his seat, his voice strained, reaching for any excuse.
“That’s exactly what you did. How could you do that to me?”
“I was just trying to do what’s right.”
“Who are you to say what is right and what is wrong?” I’m yelling now, Shane’s betrayal coursing through me, hurting worse than any type of physical pain. “How is keeping a secret from me any different than keeping a secret from Stevie? Same fucking thing in my opinion.”
“Would you listen to yourself? You’re so focused on her forgiveness that you’re not even thinking about her. Don’t you get it?”
I slam my fist on the steering wheel because of course I get it and of course Shane was right to tell Stevie. I hate myself for not telling her sooner. I hate myself for flipping that coin in the first place.
“Of course I get it,” I say, but I’m having trouble breathing, sharp pains shooting through my chest.
“I’ll fish it out of her locker first thing Monday morning,” Shane says, a peace offering.
None of it matters because she heard every last detail back at the audition. My foot hits the accelerator. I’m desperate to get out of this car, to find a solution to an unsolvable problem.
“Dude, slow down,” Shane says. I turn to him, my foot still pressed against the accelerator, and his eyes go wide.
“Deer!” Shane yells as he points at a shell-shocked animal in the middle of the road, huge flakes of snow plummeting to the earth.
It happens fast. I jam the brake with everything I have, but Shane reaches out and grabs at the wheel, yanking it hard to the right.
“No!” I yell, but it’s too late. The Jeep skids through the snow and flies off the road, smashing through branches and trees. And then we’re falling, my hands still braced on the steering wheel, as metal crunches, the sound stabbing my ears. Shane screams as glass shatters around us, until all at once everything stops. Snow-covered leaves and branches are inside the car. A blast of cold air smacks me in the face and runs down my spine. Shards of glass cover my lap. My heart speeds, pumping so hard it might break through my chest or seize up completely. Shane’s blue baseball hat is on the dashboard behind the steering wheel. The car smells like smoke, gunpowder, I don’t know. Fuck, where’s Shane? I need to get to Shane. I try to turn my head, but everything blurs. Warm liquid spills from my forehead and drips down my cheek. My eyelids are heavy, closing and opening like flicking a light switch, until it all goes dark.
PART TWO
TAILS
CHAPTER 1
Shane
AUGUST
“I’m gonna ask her out,” Drew announces after practice, once we’re settled in the Jeep. My heart stops. Not Stevie. Any girl but Stevie. I’ve never seen someone stand up to Brent Miller the way she did at practice today. The way I wish I could. It’s like she landed here, in our town, for the sole purpose of cutting Brent down to size. And she actually did. He looked like he was about to pee himself, it was so perfect. Word on the street is Stevie’s from Seattle, just about the coolest music city in the world, which figures. She’s beyond good on sax and of course she’s not just talented, she’s beautiful. The kind of beautiful that keeps you up at night. Although I’m always up at night.
“You can have any girl you want, anyone. Her?” I shift to face him, so he knows I’m serious.
“She’s just … I don’t know…” Drew says, shaking the hair out of his eyes. He shuts off the ignition, a strand of Mardi Gras beads swaying from the rearview mirror. It’s obvious Drew’s hooked, like me, reeled in before we even knew a line had been cast. He can barely get the words out of his mouth, flustered like I’ve never seen him before.
“You don’t even know her,” I say, trying to downplay it all. Maybe if Drew thinks about this logically, he’ll step aside.
“You don’t even know her,” Drew says, both hands gripping the steering wheel. “We both just met her.”
“Well I’m asking her out,” I say, because screw logic. Nothing about my feelings for Stevie is logical. Not the way my breath catches when I try to talk to her. Not the way her laugh sends my heart into a full-on spasm. And certainly not the way her dark eyes all but paralyze me, my hands fumbling drumsticks like an amateur.
I refuse to back down.
“Not if I do it first,” Drew says, his eyes ablaze.
“Not if I do it first.” I stare at him and he stares back, sighing. His eyes dart to the loose change in the center console and my pulse escalates. His mind seriously can’t be going there—not about this. For as long as I can remember we’ve flipped a coin to settle disputes. But this isn’t some childish disagreement. This is a person with thoughts and feelings, and there’s no way Drew can be thinking this is okay.
“This is stupid, Shane.” Drew glances at me, then at the coins. “I say we flip for it.”
My mouth falls open, disbelief pouring from my eyes.
“Flip for it? This isn’t like choosing top bunk at sleepovers.”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Drew says, raking his hair back with one hand. “It’s just … flipping a coin is what we do. How we’ve always made choices. It’s the only fair way to decide. I don’t want to fight with you. I can’t fight with you.”
He’s out of his mind. Stevie isn’t a coin toss.
“You do realize that Stevie can still say no, regardless of who asks her out,” I say, hoping he will forget about this awful idea and let whatever’s supposed to happen, happen.
“Get out,” Drew says, nodding at the door.
“Huh?”
“Just get out.” He grabs a penny from the middle console and flings the door open.
“This is ridiculous,” I say, following him to the front of the Jeep.
“Have a better idea?” He tosses the penny in the air. I wish I had a better idea. The obvious solution is to call it off and give in to Drew. Except a girl has never talked to me the way Stevie did this afternoon—like she actually cares about getting to know me, like I’m not some nobody drummer in the marching band.
“For the record, this isn’t cool,” I say, one last Hail Mary pass, but it’s too late. Drew’s mind is made up and there’s no stopping him. Once when we were little Drew decided to swing a full three-sixty around the swing set in his back yard. He pumped his legs so hard and went so high, his sneakers kicking at the clouds. Even though he never made it all the way around, he was out there until dusk trying. It was amazing he didn’t kill himself.
I sigh as it hits me—the realization of how this will play out.
“And odds are, you’re the one she’s going to choose, regardless of where that penny lands,” I say, wondering if Drew is aware of this inevitable truth. It doesn’t matter if it’s heads or tails. This penny won’t change anything. Even if it lands on tails, Stevie will fall for Drew. They all do.
“You can’t back down,” he says. “If you back down, you’re going to resent me. If I back down, I’m going to resent you. This is the only way. And you know it.”
My mouth opens, but my intended counterargument doesn’t make it past my throat. Even though I’m against this, part of me agrees with him. If I back down, I would be so pissed, but not at Drew—at myself.
“Heads,” he announces. This is happening whether I like it or not. He grabs the penny with one hand, kissing his closed fist.
“You’re an idiot,” I say.
He flicks the penny high into the air, the sun catching on the copper.
“Tails.” I barely get the word out.
“Shit,” Drew says, squinting at the sun as he misses the penny completely. It falls next to the tire, and his boot slams down on the coin. I drop to the ground and pull hard on
Drew’s boot, trying to pry it up. He won’t budge.
“Come on, man, let’s have it,” I say, my patience waning, because even though I don’t agree with this, I’m holding my breath, praying it landed on tails. I know it’s wrong, but now that we’ve gone through with it, I’m desperate for this chance.
“Hold on.” Drew shifts a little, careful to keep the coin concealed. “You’re cool either way?”
“I’m cool. Are you? Either way?”
“Always.” Drew shakes his hair out of his face.
“So what are you waiting for?”
Drew slowly lifts his boot off the ground and crouches next to me. We examine the tiny coin. Our eyes go wide as we stare at the penny and then at each other.
* * *
I never catch a break. When I was little it used to bother me, like when I would strike out during baseball or get smoked in a running race. I was never the kid everyone would cheer for, always the kid that pulled the short straw. As I got older, it happened so often that I expected to lose. That’s why yesterday, when that penny landed on tails, I was sure Drew was messing with me. Because Drew’s the one who gets picked first in gym class while I wait on the sidelines, the team captains avoiding my eyes until I’m the only one left. And Drew’s the guy whose name’ll be drawn out of a hat at random. Drew’s the one who gets all the girls without even trying.
But yesterday, that penny landed on tails. It really did. Maybe that penny is some sort of sign that things are starting to change for me. Maybe Brent Miller will finally leave me alone. Maybe I’ll get the girl.
The shiny coin swims in my pocket as I head to the band room, even earlier than usual. The lights are out, the instruments all still waking up. I punch my elbow against the switch and head straight for my set. The stool wobbles a bit when I sit, but I steady it and grab the drumsticks. I need to think and the only way I can think clearly is to hit these skins. First the snare, then a kick at the bass, then the snare, high hat, snare, and around again. I need a plan, a way to talk to Stevie so she’ll see me instead of Drew. Because, I’m not oblivious. She looks at Drew the way I want her to look at me. The way I look at her. Round and around again, the beat speeding, my thoughts slowing.
Where It All Lands Page 15