Drew buries his face in his hands, then pulls his hair back. His eyes are wet.
“Don’t say that.” He sniffs in, his nose red. “Maybe it’s no one’s fault. Maybe one random thing leads to another and then another and sometimes it works out how you pictured, but other times…”
I inhale the biting winter air and push tears away from my eyes. Maybe it’s not one thing that determines the trajectory of our lives. Maybe it’s a million decisions and twists and turns that lead us to where we are.
I pick up the acceptance letter and turn it over in my hands. It feels like grief and regret. I chuck it back on the grass.
“I’m declining it. What’s the point?”
“Don’t do that.” Drew picks up the paper, folds it in half, and places it on my lap. “Don’t throw away your chances.”
“I can’t do it without him,” I whisper, my throat closing.
Drew’s eyes search my face.
“I miss him,” I say.
“Was it him all along?” Drew asks, his deep voice strained. “Even in the beginning, before Ray?”
“It was both of you,” I say, trying my best to explain it. “With you I kind of got lost, in good ways and bad ways. And sometimes I felt like I couldn’t keep up. But with him—”
“It was easy.” Drew’s eyes shift to the grass again and he lets out a long breath. “It was always so easy to be around him.”
The wind pushes Drew’s hair off his face and wraps around me, slicing through my jacket. I hug my knees to my chest and blow into my purple gloves.
“I’m staying,” I say. “In town. My dad’s getting a local job.”
“Figures.” Drew shakes his head. “I’m going. My dad invited me to live with him through the summer. I think it would be good, you know. To get out of here, to be with him for a little. Shane always told me to give him a chance, to not take him for granted. And Shane was always right, about everything.”
Shane was right. He knew it from such a young age when he lost his own father. This life, even this moment, is fleeting. Nothing is permanent no matter how tight you hold on. And that’s the whole point, to live the hell out of what you have. It’s the reason Shane was so easy to be with, the reason he raced around saving people’s lives, and the reason he could pound out the most mind-altering drum solo. He didn’t take any of it for granted.
Drew and me, we’re only now beginning to understand.
“Are you going to be okay?”
“I don’t know,” Drew says, his eyes fixed on the grass. “Maybe one day, just not today.”
“You can take it with you, you know?” I reach out and hold Drew’s hand, because even though it’s not right and we don’t fit, we’re still going to need each other. He glances at me, eyes tired.
“Take what with me?”
“Him,” I say. “I moved my whole life and I never got it. Not until now. But wherever you go, you can take all of it with you.”
“It’s not the same,” he says.
“But it’s something.”
* * *
Even though I’m not awake, I know it’s a dream.
Shane sprawls out on my bed and I nestle in the crook of his arm. His fingers run through my hair slowly, and I grab his hand. He pulls my hand toward his chest and his heart beats steady, like a perfect rhythm he used to play.
“You tired?” he asks quietly.
“So tired, Shane. I can’t sleep.” I look into his golden eyes and I miss him so much it actually hurts. “Can you come back?” I squeeze his hand tight and he inches closer to me.
“I’m right here.” His smile is warm, like he knows something I don’t yet understand.
“But I miss you,” I say, a little panicked that I’m going to wake up before I get to tell him. “Come back, okay?”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“You know why not.”
“Shane—” My voice cracks and I’m squeezing his hand so hard now, afraid if I let go, I’ll wake up. He’s starting to fade, like smoke from a chimney, and I know I have to tell him. “I love you. I think I’ve always loved you. Please come back. I need you to come back.”
“I’m with you,” he says, but I can barely see him. His voice softens to an echo and I lean closer.
“Come back to me.” My lips graze his, but I can’t feel anything. His hand slips from my grasp.
“I’m always with you,” he whispers in my ear, and then … he’s gone.
TAILS
CHAPTER 10
Stevie
MILLBROOK HOSPITAL
The calluses on Shane’s hand scratch against my fingers. I squeeze his palm anyway, hoping for any kind of sensation in return, but he doesn’t move. Even his pinky lies perfectly still. Everyone’s asleep in the waiting room, and Drew left a few minutes ago to join them. The hospital room is quiet except for the machines until the overnight nurse pops in and flashes me a weak smile. She holds the IV bag, squinting at it, before unhooking it and replacing it with a new one. I scrutinize Shane’s face, watching for a twitch or jolt, or anything that would mean he’s somewhere in there. But, nothing.
“You okay, sweetie?” the nurse asks, washing her hands in the sink. She’s young, maybe a few years older than Lainey, with blond hair pulled into a low ponytail. “It’s late.”
“Is he … does he know I’m here?”
“I’d like to think so. But there’s no way to know for sure.”
“He’s going to wake up, right? They said he’s stable and he’s not technically in a coma anymore. They even took out his breathing tube. That’s a good sign, right?” I ask, holding his hand tight and leaning into him, his breath on my cheek. The nurse doesn’t answer.
“Get some rest, sweetie,” she says before drying her hands on a paper towel and leaving the room.
Shane’s chest moves in waves. The moon is high and bright, shining down on us from the corner window. Flowers displayed on the medicine cart cast an eerie shadow on the wall. Lainey had good intentions bringing them this morning, but they remind me of a funeral, and I don’t want to think about funerals.
“Come back,” I whisper in his ear, then shift my eyes to his face, holding my breath. Still, nothing. “Top three moments I wish I could do over. I’m too tired to think of five,” I say, missing him so badly I can barely get the words out.
“One … the first day I met you. I barely paid attention to you. I should have paid more attention.” My voice cracks and I swallow it back.
“Two … when you told me about the coin toss. I should’ve known it wasn’t a bet or game. You’re not like that. You’re the last person on this planet who would be like that. And I shouldn’t have ignored you and stayed mad at you for so long. I wasted too much time being mad.” My eyes shift to the heart rate monitor and it peaks and valleys in the same pattern. No change.
“Three … I should have just tried out. You were right. I didn’t need that red neck strap. I should have listened to you. If I had, you wouldn’t be here, and we’d be in my room coming up with a much happier list.”
I stop talking and stare at his face, forehead bandaged. He looks asleep, and then I swear an eyelash twitches, but it’s dark and I can’t be sure.
“I have another one,” I say, my voice barely a whisper. “It’s not so much of a do-over as it is a regret. I wish I told you. Okay? I wish I would have told you, so you have to come back because I need to tell you.”
His eyes flutter, his lids moving in tiny tremors, and I squeeze the hell out of his hand.
“Shane?”
His lids open slowly, and his eyes roll around, like they’re trying to remember how to see.
“Shane?”
“Hey,” he croaks out, his honey eyes focusing on me.
“Hi.” I breathe in and out fast, and blink to make sure I’m not imagining this. He smiles slowly, his deep dimple appearing in his cheek. I press my lips to his hand and he brushes the side of my face as tears well in my eyes
.
“Drew!” I yell into the hallway.
“You okay?” I whisper, and he nods. His eyes aren’t scared, they’re sure. Drew runs into the room and crouches beside the bed.
“You’re awake? Buddy, you okay?” Drew eyes frantically search Shane’s face.
“It’s all good,” Shane says, clearing his throat. Drew lets out a relieved breath. “I’m sorry I grabbed the wheel.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t being more careful,” Drew says, shaking his head.
“Stupid truck,” Shane says. Drew laughs at this, and then Shane laughs too, wincing.
“You scared the crap out of me, Shane. Thank God you’re awake.” Drew lets out a long breath of air. “I’ll go get Kathy and Lainey,” he says, before heading for the waiting room.
Shane reaches for my hand and gives it a little squeeze.
“I need…” he says, slowly, quietly. “… to tell you too.”
“To tell me what?” I lean close to him, grazing my lips on his.
“You know.” He takes in a breath, too weak to kiss me, so I kiss him lightly. He winces again, but smiles. Of course I know. I’ve known all along and maybe even since the day we met. He squeezes my hand as tears fall to my cheeks, relief washing over me.
And he knows how I feel too, without me even saying the words.
But I tell him anyway because I’m not wasting another second.
And because all I care about is this moment.
The one I’m living in.
Right now.
WHERE IT ALL LANDS
Epilogue
AUGUST
It takes an instant to change course, to derail an intended destination or to lock into a dream. On that day, back in August, Drew and Shane weren’t thinking about all the ways their lives were about to unfold. They were thinking about the chestnut-haired girl who appeared in their town and made them forget about every worry. As Drew flipped a penny into the air, Stevie was all they could see, both of them hoping the coin would land in their favor. At that very moment, Stevie was making her own plans, and playing the cards she was dealt—ones she had no control over. It was impossible to know the outcome, to ensure their own personal happily ever after. But they all tried anyway.
Shane pulled hard on Drew’s boot, the penny concealed underneath, but Drew wouldn’t budge. Shane squinted at him, shielding the sun with his hand. Rays of light streamed through his fingers and onto his cheeks as a light breeze floated through the air, the hint of a new season peeking around the corner.
“Come on, man, let’s have it,” Shane said, his voice impatient, silently willing the universe to choose him.
“Hold on.” Drew shifted a little, careful to keep the coin hidden. “You’re cool either way?”
Shane sighed. “I’m cool. Are you? Either way?”
“Always.” Drew shook his hair out of his face.
“So, what are you waiting for?”
Drew slowly lifted his boot off the ground and crouched next to Shane, both of them examining the coin. Their eyes went wide as they stared at the penny and then at each other.
“Holy shit,” Shane said.
Some call it fortune, some call it fate. It’s neither. Every moment led to this, and this chance would lead to more moments, all stringing together a life. We chase every dream and reach for every imagined finish line. But it’s not about the end.
The happily ever after is in the living.
Acknowledgments
First and foremost, this book is for a boy I once knew, a boy who flipped a coin and lost. I only knew him for a short period of time—too short, forever frozen at fifteen. And I always wanted to write him a better ending, the kind of ending he deserved.
So many talented people helped usher this novel into the world. I have immense gratitude for my incredible agent, Alex Rice. Her tenacity, insightful notes, and vision are invaluable. She is the strongest advocate and I am so thankful for her constant support. Thank you to the entire CAA team for championing this story. And many thanks to Dan Bodansky for passing my manuscript to Anthony Mattero at the beginning of this wild ride.
Alex Sehulster is a dream editor. Her notes are impeccable, and our brainstorming sessions are not only fun but inspiring. I adore working with Alex and I am so grateful for her guidance and always spot-on advice. The entire Wednesday Books team worked tirelessly to release this book into the hands of readers. I am so fortunate to work with top-notch design, production, marketing, publicity, audio, and support teams. Thank you from the bottom of my heart: Mara Delgado-Sanchez, Alexis Neuville, Meghan Harrington, Jonathan Bush, Anna Gorovoy, Jeremy Haiting, Melanie Sanders, Emily Dyer, and Amber Cortes.
Throughout the four years it took me to write Where It All Lands, so many gifted writers and readers critiqued its pages. Thank you for taking the time to read my words: Katherine Locke, Jennifer Walkup, Beverly Walley, Lauren Barth, Kristyn Friedlich, Rochelle Friedlich, Lynn Vande Stouwe, Cheryl Boxer, Jennifer Kessler, and Olivia Palker.
My Tuesday night writing group, Holly Rizzuto Palker, Sophia Freire, and Karen Jackson, are not only critique partners—they are friends and trusted confidantes, a bright spot in every week. Whether in person or on Zoom, I know I can always count on them for thoughtful notes, laughter, plentiful dark chocolate, and tea.
I met Erinn Salge through our shared love of writing, but now I can’t go a day without texting her random thoughts. She is my opposite and yet in so many ways we are kindred spirits. Erinn read this novel through countless iterations. She always tells it like it is and I am so grateful for our friendship.
But it all started with Anne Ellen Geller and the Visual Ink Program, helping me navigate through one of the most challenging times in my life through words. I will never forget what Anne did for me and how working with her helped me heal.
Thank you to my entire family and friends—you know who you are. I am so grateful for your support and encouragement.
Debbie Baron offered to read this story in its infancy and made me believe I could publish it. Quite simply, she is my person. We met at twelve years old and she has been by my side ever since. I love my Jake and our enduring, decades-long, once-in-a-lifetime bond.
Brian Friedlich is my younger sibling, but in a lot of ways I look up to him. He is brilliant and funny, sometimes without realizing it, and his support means the world to me. Oh, and his smartest decision was marrying Kristyn Friedlich—she is the absolute best. I love them both more than words.
My father, Leo Friedlich, is me and I am him. We have always been on the same wavelength, thinking alike and laughing at the same jokes. He instilled in me an endless love of music, introducing me to all the greats, some of which grace the pages of this book. He is the opposite of the fathers in this story—the best listener, most loving, and a present father. I am so lucky he is mine.
My mother, Janet Friedlich, has read and believed in this story from the very beginning. I treasure our relationship and still ask her for advice even now that I have a family of my own. She is not only my mother but my friend, the most loyal person I have ever known. I cherish our daily chats and unwavering love for each other.
Duffy Wexler curled up by my side as I wrote this book, offering much-needed cuddle breaks. And although she doesn’t say a word, she is the absolute best writing partner.
My best friend and husband, Adam Wexler, is a constant support of not only my writing, but every endeavor I choose to pursue. He has held me up during my lowest lows and cheered me on during my highest highs. He is the kindest soul and best karaoke partner. He never fails to make me laugh and I love him with all of my heart.
My son, Colin Wexler, is the greatest joy of my life. He is everything that is right with this world and my love for him is endless. Colin, if you’re reading this, live for the moment, never lose your zest for adventure, and always pursue your dreams.
About the Author
JENNIE WEXLER spent the first part of her career producing television shows appear
ing on VH1, Bravo, and the Travel Channel. She has a BA in literature/rhetoric from Binghamton University and an MA in television/radio/film from The S.I. Newhouse School of Public Communications at Syracuse University. She is a member of SCBWI and lives in New Jersey with her husband, son, and Havanese puppy. You can sign up for email updates here.
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Contents
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
Part One: Heads
Chapter 1. Stevie
Chapter 2. Drew
Chapter 3. Stevie
Chapter 4. Drew
Chapter 5. Stevie
Chapter 6. Drew
Chapter 7. Stevie
Chapter 8. Drew
Chapter 9. Stevie
Chapter 10. Drew
Chapter 11. Stevie
Chapter 12. Stevie
Chapter 13. Drew
Chapter 14. Stevie
Chapter 15. Drew
Chapter 16. Stevie
Chapter 17. Drew
Part Two: Tails
Chapter 1. Shane
Chapter 2. Stevie
Chapter 3. Shane
Chapter 4. Stevie
Chapter 5. Shane
Chapter 6. Stevie
Chapter 7. Shane
Chapter 8. Stevie
Chapter 9. Shane
Chapter 10. Stevie
Chapter 11. Shane
Chapter 12. Stevie
Where It All Lands Page 28