by Kylie Walker
None of them would ever doubt that miracles do happen.
EPILOGUE
April 1,
To my beautiful girl, Sophia Marie,
Today you are seventeen days old and I am sitting in the rocking chair beside your crib, staring at you. I can’t seem to stop doing that. I have no idea how I will ever accomplish anything again. You are so incredibly beautiful. You are mine and your daddy’s own personal miracle. I decided while things were still fresh in my mind, I should write them down. That way, when you are old enough to want to know who and where you came from, you can read this and you can know me as I am today…the happiest twenty-five year old woman in the world with a loving fiancé and a newborn and anything else I ever needed or wanted. I also need you to know me as I was…I would skip over all of that for you, but one lesson that I know I have to teach you is that pain goes away…it never lasts.
There are so many things I have to teach you…so many lessons you’ll have to learn…but on this subject, your mother is an expert, so I thought that we would begin there. I will learn as much as I can about the other things. I will do everything in my power to make sure that you have all the tools you need before you have to go out into the world and build your own life…but for today, we will talk about what I do know. Pain.
When I was a baby like you are now, I was taken from the arms of the two best parents in the world. I was stolen away and given to people that only wanted to torture me. I endured pain that no child should ever have to endure and that I would die to keep you from going through. But what I want you to remember is that pain goes away.
When I was a young woman, I fell in love with a man who didn’t know how to love me back. Instead, he did everything that he could do to cause me pain. So many times I wanted to give up. I wanted to close my eyes and slip away so that I didn’t have to endure it any longer. But remember my love, pain goes away.
For a few years, after I got away from that bad man, I lived in fear that he would catch up to me and inflict more pain. I gave up much of my youth because of my fear. My life only got better when I decided to stand up and fight back. The thing that I had to remember in order to fight through the fear was: Pain goes away.
When you hurt my love, it permeates your entire sense of being. It cripples you and you can’t think of anything else. Sometimes it hurts so badly that something you do every day with very little effort can all of a sudden seem like an insurmountable task. If this happens enough times, you start thinking that this is a reality. You think that you’re going to hurt for the rest of your life and you want to give up. What you have to remember my love is: Pain goes away.
There is another kind of pain that unfortunately, you probably won’t be able to avoid either. It’s called emotional pain. It’s the kind of pain that you’ll experience when you break up with a boy that you thought you really liked or when someone says something mean and hurts your feelings…No one has hit or slapped you…physically you’re okay, but it still hurts. A “broken heart” hurts as much as if it were really and truly broken. But you can’t give up. You can’t stop believing in love because you now what? Pain goes away.
Some of your wounds will heal quickly and some slowly, but they will all heal. They’ll get a scab and sometimes they’ll even leave a scar. I used to hate the scars. I was ashamed and embarrassed by them…but I finally discovered not long ago that they’re not so much a symbol of what I have endured but of what I have overcome. They signify my strength and I wear them proudly. Because although the scars are there, the pain is gone. Pain goes away.
Some days I thought I would never make it, but here I am. Each day I made it through, it brought me one step closer to where I am…sitting next to the most beautiful baby girl in the world and with the most loving man and daughter to the most incredible parents. I am so blessed and I am so loved and I have so much love inside of me to give…all because I endured the pain and I made myself believe that someday it would go away if only I didn’t give up.
Now my love, my good days far outweigh the bad. The pain is few and far between and the memories of the pain are fading. They are just present enough to remind me that I am strong and I can endure and that Pain goes away.
If I could fashion something for you, my love that could protect you from ever feeling pain…either physical or emotional, I would do it in a heartbeat. I don’t want you to feel pain, ever. But unfortunately, it is part of life and in its own messed up way, it strengthens us and it shapes us so that we can learn and grow and face our future. Just promise me that each time you hurt in your life you will fight through it and you will know that it’s going to get better and you’re going to come out on the other side a stronger, smarter person. Pain goes away my love. I will protect you from as much of it as I can and I can promise you that your Daddy will slay dragons if he has to…but no matter what we do, life happens. So don’t forget it always gets better.
I love you to the moon with all of my heart and all of my soul. If I had to go back and endure the pain all over again to get to this point with you and your daddy and your grandparents, I wouldn’t hesitate. You are so worth it. Stay strong my baby girl. It always gets better!
Love,
Mom
SNEAK PEAK OF ASHER
Chapter 1
Asher sat next to his mother’s bed on the floor and listened to the sounds of the ambulance approaching. He had alerted the nurse that his mother was gone and he had called them. Then, he had gone back to his place on the floor and slid his hand back into her frail cold one and held it. He didn’t want her to be alone¬¬––not even for a second.
He heard the door slam downstairs before the ambulance was close enough and the sound of heavy feet on the stairs. He braced himself. His father came flying through the door. He looked at Asher with wide eyes. “What did you do?” Asher didn’t answer him. His father came closer and looked down at his wife. His body was suddenly wracked with huge, guffawing sobs. He got between his wife and his son and shoved Asher away from her. Asher could hear the ambulance stopping out front. He didn’t fight his dad. He left the room and left his father to say good-by to his wife. Asher had already said good-bye to his mother––right before he had killed her.
Asher sat in the study downstairs and watched as the paramedics were led up by the nurse. He could hear his dad still crying. A little while later he watched as his mother’s body was brought down on the stretcher and she was wheeled out the door forever. He looked up then at the sinister face of his father. The nurse had left with the ambulance and they were alone. Asher was prepared for his father’s wrath––or at least he thought he was.
“You killed your own mother.” He didn’t raise his voice. He just said it, like it was a fact. He said it like Asher had taken a gun and pressed it to her temple and pulled the trigger. He said it like she hadn’t just suffered from cancer for a year and begged someone to do it. Asher didn’t say anything. He watched his dad walk over to the bar. His father stood there for several seconds and then without warning he swung one large arm and swept all the glass off the top of it, sending bottles and glasses flying, shattering into the walls and floors. “You killed your own fucking mother!” he screamed. Asher still didn’t say anything. His father turned towards him and said, “I want you out of here. I don’t want to see you again. You will have to live with what you did forever––but not here. You are no longer my family. You killed your own mother, my wife and you knew how I felt about it. I want you out! Now! If I see you again, I might be tempted to tell the police what you did.”
Asher wasn’t surprised that his father was angry––but he was shocked that he would threaten to call the police on him. He still didn’t say anything though. He was afraid of what he would say or do if he did. He picked up his keys and as his dad shuffled through the bottles on the floor to find one that still held liquor, Asher walked out the front door.
He sat in his car for a long time trying to decide what to do and where to go. He
wanted Mia. She made everything better. He was afraid if he saw her right now though he would confess to what he had done. What would she think of him if she knew what he had done? He started the car and drove towards Dean’s house. He was in town this weekend. Maybe Asher would just get drunk and stay drunk for a couple of days. It seemed to work for his father.
When he got to Dean’s house he found Travis there. As soon as Travis opened the door and saw Asher’s face he said, “Oh fuck.––” Asher nodded and pushed his way through the door.
“Where’s Dean?”
“He had to head back.” Dean Kentworth was Asher and Travis’s best friend. He had graduated last year, but he had only gone a town away for college so he would come back to town to hang out with Asher and Travis on the weekends when he could. He kept his apartment in town and stayed in the dorms when school was in session. Travis and Asher both had keys to it. “Stacey just left and I was going to take off. I can stay, if you want me to.”
Asher went into the kitchen and pulled two beers out of the refrigerator. He tossed one to Travis and twisted the cap off his. He put it to his lips and chugged it. He wasn’t usually a drinker and he didn’t even really like the taste of it––so he put it away fast. Travis sat down at the table and drank his, watching his friend with wary eyes as he downed two or three to each one Travis drank. Asher didn’t talk about his mother, but he could tell by Travis’s demeanour that he had figured out she was gone. He didn’t want to talk about it yet––he couldn’t. He just finished killing her.
He wasn’t sure how many beers later it was, but Dean’s refrigerator ran dry. He looked at Travis who had four or five bottles sitting in front of him and said, “I gotta go.”
He stood up and teetered sideways on his feet, catching himself with his arm against the table. Travis stood up too. “You can’t drive man. You had like…” Travis looked like he was thinking and then he finally said, “Way too fucking many beers.”
“I need some air,” Asher said. He stepped out through the front door and Travis followed him.
“Give me the keys.” he said. “I’ll drive.”
Asher was too drunk to question his friend’s sobriety. He handed him the keys to his Mustang and they both got in the car.––That was the last thing he remembered until he woke up to the sounds of sirens blasting and the face of a person he didn’t know looming over him.
“Hey buddy! Can you hear me?” Asher tried to nod but realized he was strapped down to something. For a second he panicked and tried to break loose. “It’s okay, that’s for your safety. You were in an accident; you have a head injury, you need to stay still okay? Blink if you can hear me.”
An accident? Asher’s head hurt.––His brain hurt. I had an accident? Where? Where am I? He reached back as far into his memory as he could. He felt a prick in his arm and realized the person who loomed over him was starting an IV.––Oh fuck! He remembered now. His mother was dead––and he had killed her.
The image of his father throwing him out of the house popped into his head. He remembered leaving the house and driving––somewhere. Oh God! Did he go see Mia? His chest hurt and he couldn’t breathe. They were still talking to him but the man’s voice sounded robotic and far away to him as they lifted the gurney and loaded him into the back of the ambulance. From the elevated vantage point he could see the Mustang and it all suddenly came flooding back. Travis had been with him. He had been driving.––He had taken the corner too sharply and they had spun out of control. They had been headed for the tree.––Oh fuck! “M-my fr-friend?” He managed to get out. Why can’t I talk?
The EMT said, “Just relax okay buddy? What’s your name?”
My friend’s name is Travis. Why are you ignoring the question? That’s what he wanted to say, but all of that wouldn’t come out. His head was so jumbled. “My friend! In the car.¬––Travis…” In a move reminiscent of the one he had just made at home with his mother, the EMT filled a syringe and stuck it into his IV. The last thing he heard him say was, “Relax buddy; we’ll be at the hospital soon.”
FINISH ASHER FOR FREE IN KU HERE
Note from the Author:
I would love it if you wrote a review.
It would make my heart beat so hard that it might explode!!!
Thank you!
Kylie xoxo
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Kylie
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