Have Mercy

by N. E. Henderson

  I don’t know how I’m going to concentrate on school work today. I have too many scenarios running through my head. I don’t think Jamie is going to be thrilled, but at the same time, I know he won’t be mad. It’s not like either of us can blame the other or anyone else. We did this, and the weird thing is, I’m not upset like I thought I would have been when I went into Walmart this morning to buy a pregnancy test.

  I don’t like disappointing my parents. I know they both work hard to provide me with a good life. I think that’s what I’m more stressed about than the baby itself.

  Holy crap, I’m going to be a mom.

  “Hey,” Julia calls out from behind me. My backpack is tugged on, so I turn, grabbing her and pulling her into the bathroom I’d just left.

  “I’m pregnant.”

  The look on her face is one of shock at first, and then horror graces her fair features until finally, a scowl sets in place.

  “Is it Jamie’s?” she asks, seemingly pissed.

  “Duh.” I nod my head because if there is one thing she should know above all is that I’d never cheat on my boyfriend. “Of course it is.”

  “Have you told him?”

  “Not yet. I won’t get to see him until tonight.” I hate that I opened my big fat mouth. I should have waited. No one should have known before I told Jamie. What was I thinking?

  “Come on,” she says, pulling on my arm. “Let’s get to class. We’ll talk about your situation at lunch.”

  “It’s not a situation,” I deadpan, getting offended that she’d refer to it like it’s a problem needing to be fixed.

  “You sure about that?” She turns around, her perfectly plucked eyebrow arched as she walks backward to her History class.

  I’m positive—but I don’t answer her. My emotions are too out of whack, and if I don’t keep my mouth shut, I’m going to say something nasty that I can’t take back. She’s one of the few people, hell, maybe the only person I ever hold my tongue for. We’re best friends, but we don’t always see eye to eye.

  She just better not go blabbing her mouth before I’m able to tell Jamie and my parents. I’d hate to lose her friendship, seeing as how I don’t really have that many friends that are girls. The thing about me is, once you cross me, I don’t give second chances. Which is probably why friends are scarce in my life.

  I don’t fuck over other people and I expect not to be fucked over in return. Trey, my boyfriend’s bandmate and probably my closest friend other than Jamie and Julia, says my standards are far too high. But I disagree.

  You can’t let people walk all over you and then forgive them simply because they said they’re sorry. It doesn’t work like that. Decent human beings don’t screw over their friends, so if I matter, then I shouldn’t need to forgive someone, because they wouldn’t have needed it in the first place.

  Present

  I’ve spent so much time worrying and being scared of this moment that I never stopped to think about what a relief it would be to not have to guard my secrets any longer. The anxiety and fear that Julia would find out Danny was still alive was always at the forefront of every decision I made.

  If she could have me kidnapped, then what would she do to my son?

  I couldn’t take that chance. When I returned, I’d planned on telling Jamie what I never got to tell him before I was abducted. Even knowing he didn’t believe me and didn’t want to hear anything I had to tell him, I was still going to find a way to let him know we were having a baby.

  But then Julia suddenly came up pregnant too, so I took a step back. I watched her, and even though Josh had told me, I hadn’t fully believed she had been the one behind it. It didn’t take long for me to see what I’d never seen before—the evil that lives deep inside her. She isn’t normal. She doesn’t think normal. There’s a psychotic nature that shines bright.

  To my knowledge, she doesn’t know that Josh told me about her part in my kidnapping. She thinks I got away from my captor, that I escaped. I never set the record straight on that detail. I couldn’t. I couldn’t risk her finding out I was still carrying Jamie’s baby.

  When Trey told me about her pregnancy and that Jamie was taking her with them to California, I knew then that I could never let Jamie know about his other child. At that time, I hadn’t been to see a doctor. I didn’t know if my baby was really okay. All I knew, all I hoped for, was that Josh hadn’t hurt him or her like he’d done me. I prayed every hour of every day for my baby to be healthy.

  Every decision became about my baby’s safety and what would keep him or her safe. It was a week after they left that I finally went to a doctor to get checked out. I was nearly five months pregnant and severely underweight—but my baby was fine. My son was healthy and measuring on point—or so the obstetrician told me.

  Julia, or her parents, somehow convinced mine the same as they did Jamie that I’d made it all up. I was never kidnapped like I’d claimed. I ran away and when I found out the grass wasn’t greener, I hightailed it back home.

  Julia always did have her parents wrapped around her finger, so I wasn’t surprised they’d believed her. Mine, on the other hand, was the biggest shock of all aside from Jamie not taking my side. Honesty was their biggest rule, and though I broke a lot of rules, I’d never lied to them. Sure, I snuck out from time to time and got caught. I skipped school here and there. I’d even been in a couple of fights before, but every time my parents or any authority asked me something, I told them the truth.

  It’s why keeping Danny a secret for the past eighteen years has been slowly killing me. I hated doing it, still hate it. I don’t like dishonesty. It’s a feeling that eats at your soul little by little until there is nothing left. For all I know, there may not be. I haven’t moved on. The only reason I’ve moved forward was because I had to for Danny’s sake. He needed a sense of normality and that’s what I’ve tried to give him.

  Believe it or not, I tried to instill the same morals in him that my parents had in me: be honest.

  He knows there is nothing he could ever do that would make me give up on him or not back him up. I just ask him to tell me the truth no matter what it is. He knows I hate secrets, though he also knows I have them. Danny knows a lot more than a kid his age should, but I thought if I wanted honesty from him, then I had to give it too. There are a few details he doesn’t know, and he knows I’m not going to tell him.

  There are some things a child doesn’t need to bear on their conscience. It’s better that those things stay buried in the dark.

  “We’re going to talk about everything you said up on that stage, and if you need to do it now, that’s fine,” Jamie says, towering over Brandon from where he sits next to his brother in a cheap plastic chair against the wall. “But if you’re okay, let’s do it later when we’re home.”

  Ironically, we’re in the same back room Jamie and I had sex in half an hour ago. The boys had two more songs to perform before their set was complete, so I made Jamie cool his shit until they were done.

  “I’m fine, Dad.” Brandon nods his head once as if to confirm his reply. “In fact, I’d rather never bring it up again.”

  “Jesus Christ, son. You’re obviously not fine if you’re snorting cocaine.” Jamie’s head drops and his fingers knead into his eyebrows. “Fuck.”

  “Why don’t I know about this?” Cole demands, his hands braced at his hips as his brows furrow. With his gaze fixed on me, his irises darken. He’s pissed, that much is evident.

  “Why don’t you know?” Jamie laughs, zero traces of humor in his tone. “Why didn’t I know?!” Jamie’s head falls to his shoulders and his eyes close. Cole takes a step forward. “If you touch me right now or come within reaching distance, I will lay your ass out, Cole.” Jamie’s head shoots up, his blue eye blaze with fury.

  “There’s a lot you still don’t know,” Cole says, trying to reason with this best friend. “I hate how you found out. I know you’re pissed at me right now, but fuck you! Everything I did, every choice I m
ade, was for them.” Cole points to Danny and Brandon.

  Danny’s eyes snap to mine and I know he’s about to bail before his ass lifts off his seat.

  “Come on,” he says to his brother, pulling on the sleeve of his black T-shirt. “I’ve got to get out of here.”

  “Sit back down,” Jamie says, his eyes never leaving Cole’s. My gaze drops, as does Cole’s. We both see the tremor in Jamie’s hand before he sticks them both into his jean pockets.

  “No,” Danny deadpans, moving to step in front of Brandon and away from his father.

  Jamie’s hand flies out, grabbing our son’s upper bicep, stopping him from making a beeline for the back door.

  I stand, having had enough of this back and forth dance Jamie has been doing with everyone since we all walked back here. Trey and Seth have been silent the whole time. The regret in Trey’s eyes has only intensified since I saw him this morning. Seth, on the other hand, is still angry, though I’m not sure if it’s the same kind of anger he showed me when I walked down Cole’s stairs just this morning.

  “Let him go,” I say. “Let them both go.” My eyes connect with Danny’s and the restraint he’s showing makes me proud. He’s come a long way in being able to control his reactions, his emotions. “Straight home. Is that clear?”

  “He’s not leaving,” Jamie bites out, but Danny snatches his arm free, bypassing and grabbing his brother up from the chair on his way out. “Everyone is staying until I have answers.”

  “You’re not likely going to get them tonight, Jamie,” I admit. “You sure as hell aren’t getting them while those two are here.” I nod my head, telling both boys to leave. “I’m not far behind. You both better be there when I get home.”

  I hear the frustration leave Jamie’s mouth, but the boys do as I say, exiting through the back door that leads to the parking lot out behind the bar. Trever can handle the equipment himself or leave it and they can come back tomorrow to get it.

  Taking my phone out of my back pocket, I shoot Anne a text, giving Jamie’s mom a heads up. I’d rather tell her than have one of the boys call her or even Jamie himself, though I bet the latter is less likely to happen.

  Me: Jamie knows about Danny.

  Anne: Oh, dear.

  Anne: I thought I’d feel joy if this moment ever came, but I don’t. Just heartburn.

  Me: Don’t work yourself up. I didn’t want to upset you. I just wanted you to know.

  Anne: Should I fly out?

  Me: Jamie doesn’t know that you know, at least not yet. And he doesn’t have to know. I won’t tell him.

  Anne: My boy deserves to know the truth, the whole truth, Jen. I never wanted to keep it from him. Had I not been more worried for Danny and Brandon’s safety, I would have told him myself. I’ll get packed and try to be on the next flight out.

  Me: You’re welcome to stay at my house if you like.

  There’s a small piece of me that’s glad she won’t be staying at the house Jamie used to share with Julia now that they’re divorced. I hated when Anne would visit and she’d have to put up with the daughter-in-law from Hell as she often refers to her as. Anne never liked Julia, not even when I was dating Jamie and she was just my friend. I guess she had a sixth sense about her. Anne knew she was a bad seed and tried to tell Jamie that. It only caused a problem between them for a short time. Finally, Anne stopped giving her opinion to her son of his wife.

  “How about you stop playing on your fucking phone and give me some answers. Tell me something, anything, so I can make sense of all of this.” There’s a plea in Jamie’s voice, begging me to tell him, and a huge part of me wants to spill everything. Sure, he has a right to know. But it’s not like he gave me the time of day when I begged him to believe me.

  I take two strides, stopping in front of him and jabbing my finger into his hard chest, my hurt and anger-filled eyes look up to meet his. “You didn’t care enough to give me the time of day eighteen years ago. Everything she told you made perfect sense then, so if you think I owe you a damn thing, then I’m here to set you straight. Go to hell.”

  I stand here, making sure he understands everything my words just conveyed. Then I walk away just like he did all those years ago.

  13

  — Jamie —

  Eighteen years ago

  Her grip on my T-shirt tightens as I pull away. Being this close was a very bad idea. My skin burns with need, wanting her to touch me, because I know she has the power to simmer the flames. Being this close, all she’d have to do is run her hands under my shirt and up my abdomen. The pain would ebb away, being replaced by the pleasure her touch has always brought me.

  But then the memory of the hell she put me through assaults me. I don’t want her touch. I don’t need her touch. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever again.

  “Let go, Elise,” I snarl, my eyes lit, blazing down at her. She’s nearly a foot shorter than me. I’ve always got off on towering over her, but right now I feel about as tall as a yardstick. She still has too much power over me and I’ve got to figure out a way to sever it.

  “Jamie, please. Talk to me. I don’t understand why you won’t.”

  “Because I have nothing to say to you. Just like you didn’t have anything to say to me for three goddamn months. Now take your hands off me.”

  The look on her face when she releases me is as if I’d slapped her across the face. There is so much pain in her brown eyes. I have to get out of here before I cave and try to make her smile. The sadness on her face doesn’t belong, but then again, it didn’t belong on mine either, and she’s the one that cast a permanent frown on my lips.

  “It wasn’t my choice. I’d never leave you of my own free will. You have to believe me, Jamie.”

  Tears pool into both of her eyes, threatening to spill down her makeup-free face. She looks younger now that she doesn’t wear black eyeliner on the top and bottom of her eyelids. Ever since she turned thirteen, it was rare to see her without makeup. Usually the only time I did was if my parents were out of town and she told hers she was staying at a friend’s, when really she was sleeping with me in my bed.

  I miss waking up to her. I’ve longed to sleep wrapped around her. Those were the only times I’d ever get a full night’s sleep. She once was my peace but now she’s my hell.

  “Why can’t you stop with all the lies and just admit you ran away? At least admit it to me, even if you want to lie to everyone else. You owe me that much, Elise.”

  “I’ve told you the truth. I’ve told everyone the truth, yet none of you believe me. I was kidnapped!”

  “By who?” I ask, not sure why I’m bothering to entertain this conversation.

  “A man,” she bites out, irritation evident in her voice.

  “What did he look like?”

  “I’m not going there. It’s over. I want to forget it ever happened. Why can’t you believe me?” Her voice comes out tired and defeated. She’s been singing the same tune for nearly a week now and I’d imagine keeping up with all her lies has to be daunting.

  “I’m done,” I seethe, but she takes my declaration as another reason to touch me, grasping onto my forearm, her fingers wrapping around me. “I don’t want to hear any more shit out of your mouth.”

  “Did you even search for me?”

  “Why would I search for someone that obviously didn’t want to be found? I moved on. Maybe you should do the same.”

  I snatch my arm loose, her nails clawing me as I turn, not looking back and knowing I never plan on seeing her again after today. I just have to get into my truck and drive away. Drive until my new life takes center stage, forcing me to forget the one that was supposed to be with my forever girl.

  Forever. What a load of garbage.

  “Jamie,” she calls out and my stride slows, wanting to obey her. “Please don’t leave without hearing me out.”

  “A little too late.”

  “I would have eventually told you all of it. I just needed time to process it myself. You
don’t know what it was like.” Her breath comes out in a huff.

  I peak over my shoulder one last time, knowing it’s going to kill me, but I do it anyway. “Should have thought of that before you hit the road.”

  “I didn’t leave you!” she screams, and it’s a knife to my gut.

  I can’t let her break me. I have to be strong. With Julia pregnant with my kid, even if I wanted to let all of this go, it really is too late.

  “So you say,” I tell her, leaving Elise standing in my bedroom doorway as I walk out of my parents’ house. I wasn’t planning on hitting the road for California until tomorrow, but there is no way I can stay another minute, let alone another night in the same town as Elise Thomas. Not if I’m going to keep my word to Julia and be with her and raise our kid together.

  I don’t have a choice. I made my bed, the same as Elise made hers. I never would have fucked another girl had the one that was supposed to be by my side for the rest of our lives not ditched me for some prick.

  Kidnapped. A dry laugh bubbles out of me as I slide into the driver’s seat of my pickup truck. Never would have pegged Elise to cry wolf. But she did, and now we’re both paying the price.

  Hope his dick was worth it.

  Present

  We’re three blocks from my house, well, my ex-wife’s house that is. That was the first thing that caught my eye when Cole parked his SUV next to a curb in front of a small house ten minutes ago. After Jenna walked away from me, the same as I once did to her, I demanded my so-called best friend to give me the answers I know he’s holding onto.

  He won’t, and I have to remind myself every few minutes that we’ve been friends for over thirty years. If it weren’t for that and needing him to bring me to Jenna’s house, then . . .