There is no telling how many women Jamie has been with in the last eighteen years. It wasn’t something I ever wanted to think about, so I didn’t. I knew he fucked around, all of them except for Seth do. It was par for the course while on tour. I was just glad none of them were into drugs, though they’ve all been known to dabble throughout the years, but nothing heavy, nothing they couldn’t walk away from at any given moment.
Cole once told me it was easier for Jamie to be drunk or high when he had sex with someone that wasn’t me.
Even though I knew Julia wasn’t getting it from Jamie, it was still a hard pill to swallow that he was out sleeping with other women. That was the main reason I didn’t follow him or the band after the shows I’d go to a couple times a year. I couldn’t remain in the shadows had I seen it with the naked eye. I wouldn’t have been able to stomach it either. Maybe this was a mishap on my part. If I had been watching harder, paying closer attention, I would have seen someone else following him. I would have caught on to what Julia was having done.
Why in God’s name did Danny not tell me any of this if he knew? I know him well enough to know he wouldn’t have come to me without hard evidence, but in this situation, that’s exactly what he should have done.
How he knew, why he was meddling in that type of thing baffles me. I’m not sure it really should. His mind can’t be still, he always has to be doing something. Breaking things down or breaking them apart only to rebuild them again is something he loves to do. Figuring out the behind the scenes things has often been like a drug in itself. He won’t stop or give up until he has answers. It’s why I know he’ll make an excellent FBI agent, or any law enforcement personnel one day. That’s just another reason I’ve tried to train him as hard as I have.
Perhaps in doing so, I’ve created or instilled things in him that I shouldn’t have so early on. He may be strong, he may have a good head on his shoulders, but he’s still a kid, and a kid he should have gotten to be. Instead, I was honest with him and told him too many adult things that he shouldn’t have had to bear. That’s on me. This is all on me. My fear for his safety, Brandon’s safety, might have placed my boys in a greater danger. I should have taken her down before now, or at least taken a chance that justice would have prevailed had I gone to the authorities when I returned.
Fear is the one thing I’m tired of living in. After today, after I get my son back, and I will, things are going to change. No more hiding. Danny and Brandon’s friends don’t even know they are brothers. Everyone thinks they’re best friends, even Maggie, much to Danny’s dismay. If he had his way, she’d know the truth, and I have no doubt that when she reaches an age, when she isn’t in high school and living with her parents, my son will tell her. Although after this, Danny might not keep his mouth shut.
He allowed his own brother to hack his computer. That didn’t happen by chance, and that tells me Danny is growing impatient, or tired of the circumstances we’re in. It didn’t go unnoticed that he isn’t upset about Jamie finding out the truth. He’s happy. I’d be lying if I said a part of me wasn’t happy too.
Relieved and happy was what I woke up feeling this morning. Danny joking with his dad warmed my soul for the first time in so many years, but . . . facts are still facts, and nearly two decades of lies don’t just vanish once they are laid out on the table. If anything, it’ll be harder, and it’ll take longer to find the trust Jamie and I once had—if we can even find it at all.
“Malachi isn’t answering,” I say, placing my cell phone down between us in the center console.
“What do you think that means?”
“Don’t know.” I sigh. “At least he had sense enough to call in backup. Kelly, another one of our teammates, sent Josh a text that Mal informed her and she’s currently en route. Josh called his buddy at the police department, so there are additional officers that will meet us there.”
Anne and Brandon went with Josh back to the safe house. They’ll be safer with him than alone at my house. There is no telling what Julia knows or doesn’t know. Josh has to protect his family first and foremost, as well as the girls living there.
“Do you think Danny will be okay?”
“I can’t think about the what-ifs, Jamie. If I do, I’ll panic, and I won’t be any use.”
It isn’t easy putting those thoughts out of my head. In fact, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Losing Jamie wasn’t even this bad and that ripped my heart out. This, not knowing if my son is okay or even still breathing, is a slow suffocation like nothing else I’ve ever felt.
Losing Danny would kill me. And I’m not ready to die yet. I haven’t really lived so . . . I refused to let my mind run away. I’ll face what I have to face, but not a minute sooner than I have to.
“How did I not know any of this was going on right under my nose?” Jamie asks, his face turned away from me, gazing out the window from the passenger seat. A deep, shuddering pull of air goes in and then swooshes out of his mouth.
“You’re on tour twice a year. When you’re home, you and the guys are always in the studio working on new music. You’ve always done things that put you and Julia together the least amount.” I take a breath. “But hell, Jamie, even I didn’t see that coming.” But I should have. I don’t say that last part out loud. It’s a failure I don’t want to admit to myself much less anyone else.
“What she did to you, to us, what she was going to do to Brandon and who knows what she is doing to Danny, it feels like I’m drowning, and as soon as I almost break the surface, I’m drug down deeper again.”
“I know the feeling,” I say.
“How did it happen?” Jamie asks. “The day you were taken, I mean.” His head rolls to the left, his eyes landing on the side of my face as I continue looking forward, driving.
Fuck. This is the part I didn’t want to tell him. The part I hate remembering, but then again . . . I have to remind myself if things hadn’t happened the way they did, then Malachi and I wouldn’t be the friends we are today. Sometimes when bad things happen, good things forge from them. My friendship with Mal is one of those things.
Even racing across town at the speed I’m going, I still have at least five, maybe seven minutes before I reach the area the traffic cams last picked up the vehicle that took Danny. I might as well tell him the last piece since he’s so hell-bent on wanting answers.
I can’t blame him. If the roles were reversed, I’d want to know too. Thing is, if our roles were in fact actually reversed, I wouldn’t have doubted him; I would have let him explain his side of everything to me. I wouldn’t have walked away from Jamie like he did me.
So, there’s that.
And the hurt from that is still there, still damn near as strong as it was back when I went through it. Maybe that’s what he doesn’t understand. Doesn’t get.
I can get past a lot. I’m not so sure I can forgive that though.
Eighteen years ago
I’ve been in an internal panic all day. ‘I’m pregnant’ has been on loop inside my head since this morning. I should have waited until this afternoon to take that stupid test. Not like there was an urgency to pee on a stick, but no, I just had to know. Now that’s all I can think about. Probably failed my World History final because I couldn’t concentrate. I have no idea what I jotted down on that paper.
My parents are going to kill me. At least it’ll be over the baby and not my grades, so I guess that’s the bright side of this.
God, I’m so stupid. We’re stupid. A freaking baby? I don’t know anything about babies. I don’t even have siblings.
I’m toast.
Is it legal to kick your teenager out of the house?
Would my parents do that to me? This morning I didn’t think so, but now I’m not so sure. I mean, I’m still their baby. Surely, they wouldn’t. I’m only seven-freaking-teen.
Maybe Jamie and the guys will want to move to LA sooner. Of course, I don’t know how we’re going to support ourselves and a kid too
. How will they be able to write and practice with a baby in the way? I may be limited on my knowledge of babies, but one in a house with loud noises probably wouldn’t be good for him or her.
Him or her, I think as I’m exiting the building, walking out of school for the day.
There’s a living person inside me right now. Holy crap. Holy freaking crap. A person. I don’t know if I’m ready for this.
I need to go find Jamie. Normally, I’d go home and change before going over to his house, but I can’t hold this in any longer. I’m about to burst just like I did this morning when I saw Jules. I would have called Jamie from the pay phone in the commons area during lunch, but this isn’t something you tell your man over the phone. This is something you tell him in person like a big girl, like an adult, which I guess is what I’m about to be sooner rather than later.
I’m about to step off the sidewalk to head toward my car in student parking when I suck in a blast of hot humid air. A car pulls in front of me, abruptly stopping exactly where I had been about to step. Stepping backward, I see it’s Julia’s silver BMW, but when I bend at the waist, peering into the passenger side window, it isn’t Julia behind the driver’s seat. It’s Malachi Hayes.
The window rolls down and his head rolls toward me.
“Umm . . . yeah?” I ask, prompting him when he doesn’t say anything.
“So . . . Jules needs you.” He glances away from me and out the windshield, his chest expanding with air before he swallows and then turns his head back again.
Jules wasn’t at lunch or last period, making me think her mom or dad must have checked her out of school early, but if he has her car, which is weird since she doesn’t let anyone drive it, not even me, maybe she didn’t get checked out. I’d say she ditched, but that’s more something I’d do, not her. In the three years we’ve been friends, I don’t think she’s skipped school once.
“O-kay,” I draw out and glance around. “Where is she?”
“Get in. I’ll take you to her.”
“I have my car. You can tell me, or I can follow, I guess.” I really don’t need this right now. She knew I was going to see Jamie as soon as school ended for the day.
What could possibly be so urgent that she needs my help?
“Yeah . . . uhh . . .” There’s a slow shake of his head and he looks unsure. I don’t know him that well and he always comes off awkward, so perhaps this is just him and the strange demeanor is his normal. I don’t want to come off like a bitch or mean, so I have to force my face to relax so that it doesn’t scrunch up, scrutinizing him. “It’s really important. She asked me to bring you to her. She’s freaking out and doesn’t want her parents to find out where she is.”
“Is she okay?”
“Yeah. No. I don’t know. Can you just get in and let me take you? I promised I would.” His voice sounds so much like a plea that I start to feel bad for him. “It shouldn’t take long,” he adds.
“Sure. I guess, if it won’t take that long.”
Opening the door, I slide into the seat, placing my backpack on the floor between my legs. He presses the gas pedal before my seatbelt is buckled. Glancing up, there is sweat on his temples.
“So what’s the urgency?” I ask, my nerves pricking at my skin.
“She doesn’t want me to tell you.”
“Either you’re gonna tell me, or you’re gonna take me back to my car.” I twist in my seat to face him. “Spit whatever it is out, Malachi.”
“She’s at a free clinic on the other side of town,” he rushes out as his hands squeeze the steering wheel, turning his knuckles almost red on this tan skin. “Sh-she . . .” He stutters.
“Why would she be there?” I ask, my mind turning as the words come out of my mouth.
“I don’t know. She didn’t tell me. She asked me to go with her and then when we got there, she started crying and begged me to come get you.” His face jerks toward me in a fast motion. “That’s all I know.”
“Okay,” I respond, the words coming out slowly as I press my back into the seat, relaxing.
Could she be pregnant too? But if so, or she thought that was possible, why didn’t she mention it this morning when I blurted the words out that I am.
It’s awkward in the small space of Julia’s car. He doesn’t have the radio on either and the silence just makes it that much worse. A few minutes into the drive, I dig out my notebook and a pencil from my backpack so that I have something else to do to occupy my time. It’s at least a fifteen-minute drive. It doesn’t matter if he’s going north or south side, it’s still about the same distance.
I shouldn’t be as annoyed as I am, but I can’t help how I feel. She’s my friend, I’m supposed to be there for her when she needs me. But the thing is, I need Jamie right now. If something happened to Jules or something was wrong, then why didn’t she mention anything before she disappeared today?
Instead of getting lost in finishing the song I started last night, I stew on that thought for the entire ride, only getting more annoyed as each minute passes.
“This is the end of the road,” Malachi says, stopping the car.
“Uh?” I glance up, my eyes taking in the nearly abandoned strip mall parking lot. I know this area, but it’s not that often I’m in this part of the metro area. It’s known as the ‘rough part of town’ for a reason. The news reports at least one homicide a week just in this area alone. Carjacking’s and robberies are a daily occurrence. “Wait.” I cut my eyes to Malachi’s. “Where is Jules? I thought you said she was at a clinic around here. I don’t see a doctor’s office or any medical place around here.”
“Out of the car,” he demands.
“Excuse me? Hello. Did you not hear what I—”
“I guess you didn’t hear me.” He leans over, reaching across me to open the passenger side door. Then, as he’s leaning back up, Malachi presses the release button on my seat belt. “I said get out of the car. Now!” he hollers, making me jump back at the harsh tone in his voice.
“Dude, chill,” I say. “What’s going on? Where is Julia?”
“Get out, or I’ll shove you out,” he barks.
I jump out, grabbing the top handle on my backpack and pulling it out of the car with me. Without looking back at me, he pulls off with the passenger side door still open, but it soon closes on its own as he increases speed to the end of the parking lot.
I keep standing in the same place as he turns left, leaving me here alone.
“What the hell just happened?” I say out loud, letting my bag drop to the asphalt that’s in dire need of being repaved.
It’s late afternoon, but still early enough that the sun will be out for another hour. Looking around me, I don’t see one business that appears to be open. There is only one vehicle in the abandoned lot—a truck at the other end.
Taking a deep breath, I sigh, blowing air out long and slow.
What am I going to do now? Was Julia even here? If this is some stupid joke, I’m going to beat someone’s ass.
It’s not like I have a cell phone. I can’t call anyone to come pick me up.
Glancing all around, I finally spot a pay phone. Problem is, it’s directly in front of that truck and I really don’t want to walk over there. What if some creep is inside? This neighborhood doesn’t exactly scream safe, and from what I see on the news sometimes, even I’m a little scared just being here.
I squat down, then I dig into the front pocket of my bag. After finding a couple of quarters, I close my fist around them and then stand, pulling my bag onto one shoulder.
I have no other choice. I have to use that phone. At least I know if I call Jamie, he’ll answer, and he and the guys will come get me. It’s still daylight, after all. I’ll be okay. There is no way Malachi dropped me off with the purpose of completely ditching me. This is just a joke. He and Julia are around here somewhere. I’m confident in that.
Just a joke, I remind myself.
But that joke was on me, and I’d soon find that
out.
46
— Malachi —
Present
The memory of what I helped Julia do is still fresh on my mind. Most mornings, I wake up in a sweat from living that afternoon over again in my sleep. I used to have to pour alcohol down my throat so that day wouldn’t be the last thing on my mind. Thing is, that’s exactly what it was anyway.
According to Jenna, I’ve paid for that sin time after time and I shouldn’t still be haunted by it. But I am, and the dreams are never going to stop. Had I known Julia’s plan, I never would have been part of it. I thought we were playing a joke. Make Jenna—well, Elise back then—think she was stranded on the south side of town, in the bad part of town. I acted like I’d left, but I didn’t go far; just far enough that she couldn’t see me, but I could always see her.
I had my eyes on her when a guy came from around the corner of the building. She had her back to him while she was putting coins into a pay phone. I watched in horror as he placed one hand over her mouth while his other wrapped around her waist. She struggled as I sat, doing nothing. I learned years later that he chloroformed her to knock her out.
It still amazes me she forgave Josh like she did. If I were in her shoes, I don’t think I could have done the same thing. I sure as shit wouldn’t have forgiven me like she did either. Not that I’m not grateful she did, because I am. It’s just that the guilt from all those years ago is still as thick today as it was then.
After she was taken, I didn’t go to the authorities like I should have. Instead, I tracked Julia down. Still to this day, I don’t know why I did that other than I was scared shitless. I thought because I’d been the one to drop her off or force her out of the car, that I’d get into serious trouble. After I told Julia my fear, she grabbed onto it and never let up.
She said we’d both get into trouble, but me more so than her. Then the next day she started to claim there was no proof she was even involved and that all the blame would fall on me if I told anyone. She was right in that sense; it would have been my word against hers.
Have Mercy Page 28