“It’s over,” I whisper.
I never thought I’d have to tell my son his mother was dead, and I have no idea how Brandon is going to react to that news. He already knows the things she was planning, the things she’s done . . .
Jeez, all those women. I don’t even remember half of their faces, let alone their names. I certainly don’t know how many there were. I cheated, and I knew it was wrong, even while I was doing it. It didn’t matter why or that I didn’t love Julia or that I didn’t even remember saying vows to her, cheating was wrong. Yet, I still did it, and look what happened.
Still, she was Brandon’s mother.
I’m not sad that she’s gone. I’m not upset that Jenna was the person that killed her. I’m pissed off that Brandon has to live knowing all those things his mom did. I’m furious that she wasn’t the mother I thought she was. I’m angry that I didn’t see any of this happening right under my goddamn nose, my roof.
There are so many things I have to atone for, and I don’t know if I’m even worthy of the amount of forgiveness I need not only from Jenna, but from my two boys, those women, their families.
Fuck . . .
49
— Jenna —
Malachi was shot twice, once in the shoulder and once in his abdomen. Luckily, no major organs were hit, but the bullet that entered his abdominal area is lodged near his kidney. That requires a trip to the OR, which is where he was taken forty minutes ago for surgery.
“Can’t you get them to discharge me already?” Danny asks, his voice full of frustration and anger. He’s mad because he thinks Malachi wouldn’t have gotten hurt if he hadn’t have shown himself to Julia when he went to find his brother.
Maybe there is some truth to that, but then Julia would still be alive and none of us would be free. Her death gave me solace. I hate my son went through what he did, that he witnessed a person killed inches from him, but I would do it over again without question.
“You haven’t been cleared.” I sigh, breathing a long breath out. “Danny, just rest. All of this will be over soon, then we can leave.”
“Can I at least put my clothes on?”
“They were covered in blood, so no. Josh is bringing you clean ones.” Danny and Malachi arrived at the hospital via ambulance. My son’s injuries looked superficial to the naked eye. Physical damage, yes. Emotional injuries can’t be seen or mended with a bandage. I insisted he be checked out. I’ll probably insist he speak to someone.
Jess isn’t going to like that it won’t be her. As Maggie’s mom, she’s too close. Danny needs an outsider, someone he can be completely open with. Sure, he has Maggie and he has his brother, but they are still kids just like him.
The glass door slides open and both of our eyes snap up, seeing Jamie entering. We’re still in the ER and only one person is supposed to be allowed back here. Jamie’s irises go from me to Danny and then down to his hospital gown-covered waist. When we first arrived, the techs had Danny discard all of his clothes. I didn’t stay in the room, but Jamie refused to leave our son’s side. I have no doubt that he saw the almost matching tattoo on Danny’s hip.
I don’t know what’s going through Jamie’s head. I’m sure he has questions, like how long has he had it and why. I can’t answer any of his questions. I can assume, and I’d probably assume correct, but none of that is my place. That’s for Jamie and Danny to talk about when our son is ready.
“I told Brandon,” Jamie says, shoving his hand down in the front pockets of his jeans.
“Where is he?”
“How did he take it?” Danny and I both speak at the same time.
Brandon’s reaction, his feelings are one of the things I’m most concerned about other than the outcome of Malachi’s surgery. There is nothing I can do for Mal, so I have to put him out of my mind for now and worry about my boys.
“In the waiting room with your girlfriend,” Jamie says, addressing Danny. “They both want to come back here.”
“Then let them,” Danny stresses.
Jamie looks to me. “It’s fine. I can go out and let one of them come back.”
“I talked the nurse into letting them both come back. We just have to come out.”
I nod, pushing my elbows off the side of the hospital bed and then standing. Grabbing my purse, I pull out Danny’s cell phone and hand it to him. “If you need me, call or text me. I won’t be far.”
His head tips up and down before falling to the pillow behind his head on the raised bed. When his eyes go toward the ceiling, I make my way around the bed, passing Jamie to leave.
I hate not having control, and that’s exactly the way I feel about my son, Jamie, about Brandon and Malachi. I’m not used to all these feelings. At least before, when the truth was hidden, not spoken about, I had a semblance of control. Thinking back on that, it was just a lie I told myself.
I feel Jamie catch up to me as I go through another set of sliding glass doors to enter the waiting area. I pause when I see multiple people stand. I wasn’t expecting everyone to be here, but I shouldn’t be surprised.
“How’s our boy?” Anne asks, clutching her chest.
“He’ll be fine,” I assure her and then turn my attention to the kids. “He wants you both to go back,” I tell Brandon and Maggie, though my eyes never stray from Brandon’s.
Maggie bolts, taking off behind me without being told twice. As Brandon passes, I reach out, wrapping my hand around the bend in his arm. He stops, our bodies both facing opposite directions and I have to tip my head back to look up. “We need to talk.”
Leaning down, his mouth hovers inches from my ear. “We will,” he whispers so only I can hear him. There is no hurt or anger detected in his tone.
“Okay,” I breathe out, my voice as low as his.
“I love you, Jen. Thank you for saving my brother.” Brandon’s lips press against my cheek for a quick moment, then he steps away, walking past me.
I close my eyes and then feel Jamie step behind me, his body heat warming me. His warm hands wrap around my biceps, the same way he did earlier when we were at my house.
“Seth is bringing Cole. When I talked to him, he lost it while I was on the phone with him,” Jamie says. Relaxing my body, I fall against Jamie’s chest, nodding to let him know I heard him.
Cole cares for Malachi, deeply, in fact. I’m sure he’s taking it hard. I think that was another reason Cole kept somewhat of a distance, never allowing himself to commit or even think about any type of long-term relationship with Mal. This outcome scared the shit out of Cole. The thing is, life isn’t predictable and it certainly isn’t guaranteed. Sometimes we get a lifetime with people, creating a mountain of memories. Other times, we get a small window of time with someone and then live a lifetime with loss and not getting enough memories.
Time is precious.
“Jen.” I open my eyes, seeing Trey standing in front of us, his hands stuffed in the front pockets of his pants with his head bowed. “Can I have a minute?” His brown eyes lift, but his face stays pointed to the ground.
“Can’t it wait?” Jamie sighs, squeezing my arms.
“Sure, Trey.” I take a breath, stepping away from Jamie.
This moment has been a long time coming. Might as well get the last piece of the past done.
Eighteen years ago
“He was happy with me,” I bite out as I step forward, jabbing my finger into Cole’s chest.
“I know.” His brows furrow and his gaze drops to where my finger still touches him. “He’s not any happier with her if it makes any difference.”
“Then why isn’t he with me?”
“It’s more complicated. He—”
“Hates you,” Trey says from behind me, interrupting Cole. I whip around facing him, his dark brown eyes snapping over my shoulder. “Seth’s ready. Let’s do this. Let’s get the fuck out of here.”
“I’ll be there when I’m there,” Cole replies.
“I want to talk to Elise. Leave us.�
�
Trey’s hate-filled eyes never leave Cole’s as they silently war between them. I’m about to say to hell with both of them when Cole mumbles a goodbye, leaving me standing alone with Trey in my parents’ backyard.
When his gaze finally falls to mine, I see something in them that makes me take a step back, not liking what I see deep inside irises I once trusted. Three months ago, I had blind faith in my friends. I’d known the guys for years, I trusted them, and I thought they had that same trust and faith in me. I thought they knew me like I thought I knew them.
But I’d been wrong, so wrong.
“What do you want, Trey?” I cross my arms, tucking my hands between my biceps and sides. “Come to gloat one last time? Come to throw whatever false hate you have back in my face before you leave?”
Trey not taking my side stings almost as much as Jamie not standing next to me, not believing me. Trey and I were friends, or so I thought. We hung out together, he had lunch at the same time and we’ve always ended up in at least one class together since my freshmen year.
Trey takes a step forward and I retreat once again.
“I wanted to say my piece before I never have to see you again.”
“You want to talk. Jamie doesn’t and Seth hasn’t said two words to me since I’ve been back. How is it that Cole is more on my side than you or Jamie?”
“Cole isn’t on your side. He’s on Jamie’s, like me and like Seth. What you did to Jamie is unforgivable. And now—”
“Now what?”
His jaw locks and his eyes tell me he would shoot fire from them if he could. “Nothing.”
“You’re standing here, so it obviously isn’t nothing. Just spit it out already.”
“You didn’t just leave him, you left me too. How could you do it? How was it that simple?”
“Jeez. Do you even hear yourself?” I step forward, my backbone finally reappearing despite everything I’ve done to tame it since returning. “If you were really my friend, you’d know I wouldn’t have walked away on my own, of my free will. I didn’t leave him, or you, or my life here. I was kidnapped, Trey.”
“Stop!” he yells in my face, inching closer to me. “Stop lying and just cop to it already. At least give Jamie the truth before we leave.”
“He left yesterday, and I told him the truth.”
His head shakes. “No, you didn’t. I know when you’re hiding something, and yes, Elise, you are hiding something.”
“Maybe so, but it isn’t that.”
“Then what is it? You have my ear, tell me.”
“Doesn’t matter,” I say, shaking my head. I can’t tell him about the baby. I can’t tell anyone, not yet at least. “You didn’t have my back on the one thing you should have, Trey, and neither did Jamie.”
“We didn’t have your back?” A humorless laugh slips out of his mouth. “That’s laughable.”
I start to turn away from him, done with this conversation when I pause, thinking. I could show him the evidence on my back, but then what? Whatever hook Julia has into Jamie and Trey, they’ll come up with another false explanation. Maybe that’s the reason I came home. Maybe I got myself beat and couldn’t hack the ‘real world’ so I cut tail and thought I would be welcomed back with open arms.
I turn my head, glancing over my shoulder, but Trey isn’t looking at my face. His eyes have dropped and his brows are scrunched together. I’m wearing a tank top and the scarring is still inflamed across my back. It goes to the edge, less than an inch from my armpit. The way his eyes are scrutinizing me, I know he sees part of it. Whether he knows what he’s looking at or not, I can’t tell.
“None of this is laughable, Trey. When I came home, I expected my friends to still see me as the person they saw, the person they knew me to be a couple of months ago, just weeks really. Not once have I ever given Jamie or you or my parents a reason not to believe me.”
“If you’re holding something from us, then you’re lying and if you’re lying about one thing, then you’re lying about everything. You didn’t just betray Jamie.” His voice starts to rise, the anger in his tone escalating. “You betrayed all of us when you left. You betrayed me!”
“No, I didn’t!” I yell back, but before all the words are past my lips, fire erupts across my cheek. For a split second, I’m stunned, and it takes longer than it should for me to realized he hit me. From the expression displayed on his face, he’s surprised too.
Trey isn’t a fighter, at least never that I’ve seen. He doesn’t get worked up like Jamie. He doesn’t argue like Cole. He and Seth are alike in that way.
“Go to Hell, Elise,” he says before turning and walking away from me without an apology.
Present
That was the last time I saw Trey until two days ago when I walked down the stairs at Cole’s house, thinking it was Cole coming back with breakfast.
Thinking back on that day eighteen years ago, it still seems unreal. I’m still stunned by Trey’s action, because I know that wasn’t him. He doesn’t hit people. He’s not an abuser. He just reacted to his anger and that’s not me making an excuse for him. What he did was wrong. He doesn’t need me to tell him that to know he was in the wrong. Even if I had done everything he thought I did, he still would have been wrong to lay a hand on me like he did.
“That was the first time I ever hit a woman.” His head swings toward me. “The only time I’ve ever hit a woman,” he clarifies, then he hangs his head, looking back to the ground.
I couldn’t make myself go far in case Danny calls for me or there is news of Malachi’s surgery, so we’re sitting side by side in the corner of the waiting room. I haven’t taken a peek at Jamie, but I know his eyes are on us. I’ve always been able to tell when they were. It’s a comfort I hadn’t realized I missed until now.
“I felt like shit afterward. I know that doesn’t make it right, but I did.” Leaning back in the dull, gray chair, I let him continue. He obviously needs to say his piece. “After Cole, Seth, and I left that day, we stayed overnight in Dallas before continuing on to LA. I got into my first fight that night. I purposely started it. I wanted to get my ass kicked, and I did.”
“If you think telling me that makes me feel any better, it doesn’t, Trey.”
“No, that isn’t it. It’s just . . . Hell, I don’t even know.” He shakes his head. “You were right, you know. You were my friend. You weren’t just the girlfriend of one of my best friends. We were friends too, and I didn’t have your back like I should have.”
“It’s not that you didn’t have my back. I told you over and over that I wasn’t lying, and not even for a second did you question if I could be telling the truth. You, Jamie, the others, you all based everything off a picture and what Julia claimed. How long had you known me? Years longer than you knew Jules, yet, you took her word over mine. I’m sorry, Trey, but from where I sit, not only did that sting, it might as well have been a punch to my face, the first hit, not the slap the day you left.”
He nods his understanding, or maybe agreeing with me.
“I saw that scar on your back that day. That day at Cole’s wasn’t the first time I’d seen it. I didn’t know that’s what it was, but I knew it was something. It caught my attention that day.”
“I know.”
“Seeing that video really fucked me up. I haven’t slept. I can’t eat. What you went through and then . . .” He blows out a long breath. “I messed up and I have no excuse. I should have been in your corner, not hers, and I’m sorry.”
“Look,” I say, placing my hand on Trey’s shoulder. “If it’s forgiveness you’re wanting, that’s easy. You have it, but if it’s the friendship we used to have, I don’t know. I can’t give you that, Trey. I’m not the same person I was way back then, and I can’t promise we’ll ever be that close again.” I take a breath and then blow it out, squeezing him. “But I don’t think Jamie plans on walking back out of my life anytime soon, so . . . maybe we’ll get to know each other and see where that goes. I
t’s the best I can give you.”
“Did you forgive Jamie too?”
“Not yet.”
“Are you going to?”
“I don’t know. He’s in a different category than you are. He isn’t so easy to forgive or forget. And I haven’t allowed myself to go there with him—not yet anyway.” But I know it’s coming. Question is, am I ready to admit things, want things, and then am I willing to allow myself to have them? I don’t know yet. Maybe too much has happened. Maybe my heart is beyond repair.
Or maybe I just don’t care about any of that anymore.
Yeah right.
I let Jamie Hart back in within seconds of him touching me for the first time in years. I wouldn’t even begin to know how to push him away, and if I did, I don’t think I have that much strength to see it through.
The heart doesn’t play fair. It doesn’t see logic, or what’s good or bad for you. It feels until it finds a connection. Once that connection is made, it locks in place.
That’s Jamie and me. He’s sealed up permanently inside that cavity in my chest. My heart has no plans of ever letting him go. I can give the reins over, allow my heart to guide me or I can turn away, but then I’d just be even more miserable, in more agony than I have been for the last eighteen years.
And who wants that kind of life?
50
— Jamie —
I debated whether or not I should tell Brandon that it was Jenna that took the shot that killed his mother. I almost chose to keep that detail from him. He’s still a kid and I didn’t want him to resent Jenna in any way. I know she did what she had to do, and I’m glad she did. While Danny was being loaded into an ambulance, she told me why she shot her. If she hadn’t, then it would have been our son who took Julia’s life. That’s a weight I never want on his shoulders, so for that reason alone, I’m glad she did it.
Have Mercy Page 30