Vampires Don't Sparkle!

by Mia Archer

  I advanced on the thing and held out my scythe. The thing hissed and spit at me, but the horror show wasn’t doing the thing a damn bit of good. Vampires might be terrifying creatures of the night as far as humans were concerned, but this thing couldn’t hurt me.

  “I’m afraid you’re going to have to come with me,” I said, letting my scythe come to rest just under the thing’s neck.

  It stared at me and licked its lips with a long tongue that looked like it would be more at home on Jabba the Hutt as he ogled Carrie Fisher than on some weird vampire creature.

  “It’s not fair,” the thing whimpered.

  “Life isn’t fair,” I said. “Though I guess in your case it’s more like undeath isn’t fair.”

  I wrapped more tendrils around him and shifted them ever so slightly. It was a trick I’d done without even realizing what I was doing the first couple of times I’d used this magic, though I’d long since gotten used to it. In a blink we were on the other side.

  Other reapers were there around me immediately. Which was different. Usually if I came to the other side with a soul they let me toss it into the steady stream of souls passing through rocks jutting into the air on either side of the stream.

  The stream of death. All the people on the planet who were moving towards their eternal reward. It was a thick stream, and as I looked at all the souls of all the people who’d died in the last few seconds it was hard to imagine that there were still more people being born than there were people dying out there in the world.

  “Stand back,” one of the reapers said, holding its scythe out.

  There was a flash of light and the vampire hissed, then it doubled over and started whimpering as it balled itself up in the fetal position, looking for all the world like someone had just tried putting a filthy elf rope on it.

  A hand touched my shoulder. I looked up to see the big guy, Death himself, looking down at the thing from the darkness of his hood.

  “Well then Gwen,” he said, his voice deep and booming. Like it seriously rattled the stone columns clawing into the air around us. Which was an act he was putting on for the creature, but the fact that he was even putting on an act spoke volumes. “It would seem that you are full of surprises.”

  “Thanks, I think?” I said. “I mean it was a pain in the ass getting that thing out of the girl, but I managed it and I think she’s going to live.”

  Death turned his attention from the vampire spirit to me, and I got the impression I’d just said something that had the potential for getting me in serious trouble. Then it hit me that I’d just talked about doing something that saved a life rather than ferrying that life to the other side, and I wasn’t sure how he would take me doing something like that.

  Might be bad for business keeping people among the living, and all that.

  “You fought this spirit out of a vampire that had already taken hold?” he asked, pulling his hood back and revealing a man with white hair who, despite that white hair, had the kind of lined face that was difficult to put an age to. Like if it weren’t for that white hair he could’ve been in his mid twenties, or he could’ve been in his sixties.

  It seemed appropriate that it would be difficult to put an age on the embodiment of all death and decay in the world.

  “Is that bad?” I asked. “I mean the thing had just jumped into her, and when I put my hand on her I could feel it in there torturing her soul and I thought about the necromancer and his staff that was full of people’s souls and how easy it was to get them out when…”

  I trailed off. There was something about the way Death was staring at me that said I’d gone and done something really weird.

  “You pulled a vampire spirit out of someone’s body after it had already latched onto their soul,” he said, smiling and shaking his head as he looked down at the thing.

  The pitiful creature looked up and seemed to focus on Death for the first time. The thing also seemed to know exactly who it was looking at, because it let out the kind of unearthly wail that only comes from something that knows Death is nearby and stalking them at every turn.

  “Well yeah?” I said. “I mean what else was I supposed to do? Run a stake through her heart or something?”

  The sad look he gave me told me I wouldn’t be the first reaper who’d come to that conclusion. It was a little embarrassing to realize that maybe the solution Stacy had come up with was the solution I was supposed to be using.

  Even if it seemed unfair.

  “Why would I kill the poor girl for good if I could yank the vampire out?”

  “That’s the thing,” he said. “These spirits can be dangerous, and they can cause serious trouble if you’re not careful about how you handle them.”

  “Like they’re a danger to us?” I asked, a chill running through me as I realized maybe this thing had been more of a danger to me than I’d originally thought. I guess I’d just assumed from the way the other vampires had shied away from me that they were more afraid of me than I was of them. It was disquieting to realize I might’ve put myself in danger because I didn’t know what the hell I was doing here.

  “Not quite that,” he said. “But you of all people should appreciate that there are dangers to the people around you in this job.”

  I thought of my mom. Thought of how a necromancer had taken her life once upon a time. Then I thought of Stacy on top of the vampire hitting her repeatedly with punches and smiled.

  “Y’know that’s constantly on my mind,” I said. “Unfortunately the mortals I have hanging around me don’t seem to care about the fact that there are scary creatures of the night that might want to turn them into a snack.”

  That was good for a small snort from Death. Which was more of an amused reaction than I’d ever seen anyone get from him before. Sure I hadn’t spent much time around the guy, so it’s not like I knew whether or not he was the kind to yuck it up on the regular, but still. It was the first time I’d seen him anything other than totally serious, and it was a little weird.

  “Either way,” he said. “What you did was impressive. There aren’t many people who would attempt what you did.”

  “Does it make it any less awesome if I tell you the only reason I did it was because I had no idea what the hell I was doing?”

  His smile only grew broader. “If anything that only makes it more impressive. I know your father has been busy, but maybe it’s time we did something about that.”

  “Right,” I said, though I wasn’t sure I liked the idea of suddenly spending more time with dear old dad learning about this stuff. For all that I complained about not getting much in the way of training, I figured I’d done pretty well for myself.

  “Now come on Gwen,” Death said. “You have something you need to take care of.”

  “Right,” I said.

  I knew the drill. I’d already done this once before with Graham when he refused to go on to his eternal reward. Not that I was all that surprised that a necromancer, someone who chose a magic branch that by necessity involved a bunch of trying to cheat death, wouldn’t be all that happy about finding themselves going towards that big portal that meant he was finally approaching his eternal reward.

  Whatever the hell it was.

  I grabbed the vampire spirit and floated up over the river of souls. The thing tried to get away from me, but the real bitch about being here on our side was there wasn’t much the thing could do when I was on my turf.

  “You’re going to go to the other side,” I said. “And go back to wherever it was you were waiting in the first place.”

  “That’s not where I’m going!” the thing wailed.

  I looked down at it and frowned. The creature seemed genuinely terrified. Then I shrugged. After all, it’s not like that was my problem that the thing was going on to its eternal reward. I didn’t really give a fuck if it was afraid of what was waiting for it on the other side because the number one rule of this profession was you didn’t ask questions about what was on the other sid
e.

  The thing’s pulling and tugging only grew more frantic as we got closer to the gate, and I tightened my grip. There was no way this thing was getting away from me. Not on my home turf, thank you very much!

  The thing was downright terrified as we reached the big gate. It scrambled and tried to claw at me, but it wasn’t doing jack shit with those claws. I smiled as I held the thing up and stared at it one last time.

  “I don’t know if you’re going back to where you were waiting before or what,” I said. “But if you do meet some of your buddies on the other side who are still waiting for their big shot, you make sure to tell them I’m going to be waiting for them. Got it?”

  The thing went quiet. It turned and looked at the gate. The thing was turning an odd red color the closer I got to the thing, and I almost thought I could hear the howls of the damned on the other side.

  “Seeya later,” I said, and tossed the thing with all my strength.

  It slammed into the gate and a mini lightning storm surrounded it, though that didn’t seem to affect any of the people streaming through to their eternal reward down below.

  I clapped my hands together and turned. Death nodded. The other reapers had gone back to their stations atop the giant pillars of rock that clawed at the sky where they could keep an eye on things and make sure none of the souls destined for the other side tried to make an escape.

  “Welp, time to head back and deal with an angry girlfriend,” I muttered.

  Darkness surrounded me, and I stepped through to the other side, though I was almost as reluctant to head back to the real world as that vampire spirit had been to go wherever the hell it was going.

  12

  Angry Girlfriend

  I stepped out of the darkness and into the bright fluorescent light of the cafeteria. Stacy was right there waiting for me with her arms crossed looking none too happy.

  Damn.

  “Would it kill you to actually keep your word and bring me along with you when you’re going out hunting vampires?” Stacy said.

  “Sorry,” I said, then turned my attention to the girl sitting next to Stacy at one of the cafeteria tables. “Um, hi.”

  “Don’t worry,” Stacy said. “I’ve already explained to Courtney here exactly what happened.”

  “Courtney,” I said, rolling the name around in my mouth a couple of times. I was bad with remembering names, and it helped to repeat a new name a few times.

  “Thanks for your help,” she said.

  I squinted. It almost looked like she was holding something up against her face. Then I smiled when I realized exactly what it was. An ice pack they must’ve grabbed from the massive walk-in fridge in the cafeteria.

  “Stacy really beat the shit out of you, didn’t she?” I asked.

  Courtney blushed and Stacy looked away, like she was ashamed of what she’d done or something.

  “I mean it’s not like I blame her,” Courtney said, looking at Stacy with a smile. “I could see everything that was going on, but it was like I was watching and there was nothing I could do about it. Talk about a trippy experience!”

  “You’ve got that right,” I said. “What you just suffered from was a bit of vampiric possession.”

  I walked over and spun one of the hard plastic chairs that seem to pop up at high schools around the country over so I could sit with the back facing my front. I leaned over it onto the table, but stopped mid motion when I realized Stacy was giving me one hell of a case of stinkeye.

  “Don’t think you’re out of the woods yet missy,” Stacy said, wagging a finger at me. “But we do have more important things to go over right now.”

  “More important things?” I asked.

  “Well yeah,” Stacy said. “You might’ve been trying to get rid of me earlier, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to investigate now that I have the chance!”

  I groaned. Inwardly. Stacy already looked pissed off enough that I didn’t want to risk pissing her off any more. Still, the fact that she was insisting on going through with this whole Scooby gang thing was going to be a source of endless frustration for me. I could already tell.

  “So can you tell me exactly what happened before you wound up like this?” Stacy asked, pointing to the two little bite marks on the girl’s neck.

  I stared at Courtney while she gathered her thoughts and clearly remembered some very unpleasant things. I squinted at those two bite marks in her neck and wondered what the hell had happened that she was able to still, y’know, live and breath despite the fact that she’d been recently exsanguinated.

  It made no fucking sense. She shouldn’t have enough blood to still be alive after getting that vampire spirit ripped out of her, and yet here she was.

  “Um, do you mind if I try something before you go all Columbo on her?” I asked.

  “All what?” Stacy asked.

  “It’s on Netflix,” I said. “We’ll have to watch it sometime. And actually watch it.”

  “As though we’re going to be doing anything but actually watching Netflix for a good long while after what you pulled today,” Stacy sniffed, giving me a glare that let me know just how deep I was in the doghouse.

  Damn.

  “Listen, Stacy,” I started.

  “Don’t you listen, Stacy me,” she said, advancing on me.

  I was suddenly reminded of how she’d been on top of a vampire beating the shit out of the undead scary creature just a few minutes ago. Not the kind of thing that made me feel all safe and secure now that she was coming at me.

  I didn’t think she’d try to beat me up the same as she would a vampire who was coming at her, but at the same time I took a step back just to be sure.

  “You told me you were going to take me with you whenever you went looking for vampires,” she said.

  “So you mean that thing that attacked me really was a vampire?” Courtney asked. “Like this isn’t a joke? That guy with the fangs really was the real deal?”

  I looked over Stacy’s shoulder. There was a part of me that very much wanted to talk to this girl and figure out what the hell had happened to her. I needed to know how these vampires were approaching people. If I could figure out how they were approaching people then there was a good chance I could figure out how to do…

  Something. I wasn’t sure what that something was. I just knew that I had to know more about the bloodsuckers. Maybe she knew something that would point me to their lair or something.

  “You said you were going to take me with you, and the first thing you do the first chance you get to go looking for vampires is leave me behind at practice,” she said, poking me in the chest and causing me to take a step back.

  I looked down to the spot where she’d just poked me, then looked up at her and arched an eyebrow.

  “Don’t hit me like that,” I said.

  “Or what?” she said. “It was a little poke to your chest. And don’t try to change the subject here. You’re the one who just broke a promise, and if you think I’m going to let you get off easy after you did that then you have another thing coming!”

  “Fuck, that guy really was a vampire!”

  Courtney didn’t look like she was having a good time now that she was coming to the realization that her vampire encounter had very much been a real thing with a real bloodsucking creature of the night.

  “And if this is what you’re going to keep doing, well… I don’t know!”

  Stacy started spluttering after that. Like she was trying her best to come up with some threat that might get my attention, but she was having a little bit of trouble coming up with something that actually made sense. Finally she crossed her arms and settled with glaring at me.

  Which wasn’t fun, but at least she wasn’t yelling at me anymore. To be honest I was more than a little worried. We’d never had a real fight before, but this felt like it had all the makings of something that could potentially be a relationship ending event.

  Not what I wanted to deal with on top of a
bunch of vampires invading the school, damn it.

  I looked over her shoulder again. I really needed to…

  “Motherfucker,” I hissed.

  Stacy’s eyes went wide as she stared at me.

  “What the hell did you just say to me?” she asked.

  “Not you,” I said. “The girl! She’s gone! You were so busy griping at me that you let the girl get away!”

  Stacy sniffed. “Well maybe you should’ve thought of that before you decided to betray my trust. Maybe if you’d let me come along with you in the first place none of this ever would’ve happened.”

  I sighed and shook my head.

  “Look,” I said. “What I do? It’s dangerous. There’s a good chance that if you’d been wandering around pretending you were some unholy combination of the Scooby gang and the Ghostbusters then you’d be dead right now, because you would’ve been the one who ran into the vampires and you would’ve been the one who was possessed by that evil spirit I just had to drag to the other side!”

  Now it was her turn to take a step back. I hadn’t poked her in the chest, but I guess what I’d said was getting through to her.

  “Now you’re coming at me like I’m some sort of monster for trying to keep you safe from literal monsters, and I’m not having it. There’s scary shit out there that can end your life. Scary shit out there has ended your life, and it’s only through luck that you managed to get that life back!”

  “Luck and you,” Stacy said, reaching out as though she wanted to take my hand.

  I looked down at that hand she was offering. I had the feeling that was her way of making a peace offering, but I was so pissed off about her getting mad at me in the first place, about her acting like I was some idiot for not wanting her out here chasing monsters, that I didn’t take it. No, I stared at that hand, and then turned and walked towards the exit.

  “Harsh,” Jake said.

  I reached out with a tendril of death magic and slapped him across the ass. Usually that would’ve been good for a smartass comment, but he didn’t seem to be in the mood for a smartass anything right now. No, he kept right on staring at me, but he wisely kept his thoughts to himself.