by Katee Robert
“Pity.” His mom took a breath, which was the only warning Ian got before she jumped off the deep end. “Considering your lack of experience with family, I imagine you won’t be the type of woman who would be content to sit back and create a home for your husband while he travels?”
“Elizabeth—” His dad tried to grab her hand, but she shook him off.
“This needs to be said, and we both know it.” His mother leaned forward. “We all know it.”
Roxanne raised her brows. “You know, Elizabeth, you’re right. I’m not the kind of woman who’d be okay with sitting at home while my man was off gallivanting around the country. But just because you’re right about that doesn’t mean you’re right about everything else. If you stopped for a second and actually paid attention to your children, you’d see that you’re doing a damn good job of driving them away.” She pushed to her feet. “Excuse me a moment. I have to go powder my nose.”
As soon as Roxanne disappeared, the pressure in Ian’s chest doubled. He took a drink of his water, trying not to notice how much his hand shook. Elle cleared her throat, obviously with the intention of changing the subject, but Ian couldn’t let things lie. He set down his glass, careful not to knock it over, and turned to his mother. “Why did you do that?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Yes, you do. You were disrespectful on purpose.”
Gabe cleared his throat. “Why don’t we just take a deep breath and calm down?”
Calm down? How was anyone supposed to be calm in a restaurant overflowing with people and his mother rampaging all over his careful control? Almost grateful for the distraction before his mother got the better of him, Ian leaned back and crossed his arms over his chest. “Sure. In fact, let’s talk about something else. Like why I shouldn’t be pissed a guy like you is marrying my sister.”
“Ian Christopher Walser!”
“Son!”
While their parents sputtered, Elle put her hand on Gabe’s arm. “You don’t have to tell him anything.” She glared at Ian. “I can’t believe you. Why are you bringing this up now?”
“Now’s as good a time as any.” A waitress passed by, so close that her arm brushed his back. Ian gritted his teeth and leaned forward, wishing Roxanne were there. “I’m worried about you. You can’t blame me for that.”
“Elle, you knew this was coming.” Gabe shook his head, but there was a glint in his brown eyes Ian recognized. This guy might play at being relaxed, but he had an inner asshole. Gabe disentangled his hands from Elle’s. “I get it. If I were in your position, I might feel the same way. But I’d walk barefoot over broken glass before I hurt your sister. I love Elle. She makes me a better person, and I’d like to think I do the same for her. I fully intend to spend the rest of my life with her.”
Fuck. He was attacking Gabe for no damn reason. As Roxanne had said when they talked about it before, not even an idiot could doubt that this guy loved Elle. Which meant Ian was really losing his shit. The hum of conversations around him set his teeth on edge and made it hard to concentrate. Sweat beaded at his temple, and his chest cinched another notch tighter.
“Ian, you’re being rude.”
He shook his head. How the hell could his mother sit there and reprimand him so primly after the stunt she just pulled? “I’m being rude? The first words out of your mouth tonight were some of the cruelest things I’ve ever heard you say—which is saying a lot—and it’s all been downhill from there. I get that you’re pissed at me, but taking it out on Roxanne is inexcusable.”
Her chin went up. “Don’t you dare speak to me like this.That woman might have her claws into you—” “I love her.” Both his mother and Elle gasped, but Ian kept right on talking. “She’s intelligent and beautiful, and she actually understands what I’m going through.” And she loved him, too.
His dad cleared his throat. “We might understand, too, if you’d just talk to us.”
The crux of it was that his family loved him and wanted to help. He knew this, even if his mother went about it in the most ass-backward way possible. “I know. But I can’t talk to you about what’s going on with me right now. It wouldn’t be healthy for any of us.”
He took a shuddering breath, hating how tenuous of a grip he had on his control. “I can’t take the job, either. Not yet, and maybe not ever. And I want to be with Roxanne, so it comes down to this—you can accept her being a part of my life, or I’ll walk.”
His mother’s eyes went wide. “You’d turn your back on your family for that woman?”
God, why was it always about him turning his back on the family? He was home, and he’d finally found a piece of calm in the middle of the shitstorm that was his life, and the first thing his mother tried to do was fuck it up. “That’s exactly what I’m saying.”
His mom started in on him again, but his dad put his hand on her arm. “Elizabeth, enough.”
“Don’t you dare talk to me like that. This is your fault. You think our son would have this kind of attitude without you encouraging him?”
It went on from there, dissolving further when Elle jumped in. Ian closed his eyes, their voices grating his already frayed nerves. The room was closing in on him again, and he was powerless to stop it.
Not without Roxanne.
The realization sent a wave of nausea spiraling through the panic. Had he really thought he was getting better? That he’d ever be able to walk into a restaurant without losing his shit without needing someone there, holding his hand? What a joke. He’d been using the woman he loved as a crutch, a Band-Aid to keep his issues at bay. What kind of life was that? Not just for him, but for her. She deserved better, and it was time for Ian to face that he wasn’t it.
His mother slapped her hand down on the table, startling him.The thought of juggling Roxanne and his family—of always keeping them separate—broke him.
He needed air. “I’ll be right back.”
20
It took a whole lot of counting to ten before Roxanne was ready to go out and face that harpy again. It blew her mind that Elizabeth Walser had raised both Ian and Elle. She couldn’t think of two better people, but their mother seriously left something to be desired.
The worst part was that the woman was right. She’d been a little blindsided by the whole traveling bit, but no way in hell could she hold it together if he took that job. It might work for a little bit, but every time he got on a plane and flew away from her, her abandonment issues would return with a vengeance. It was only a matter of time before she lost her shit and it ended for real.
She stared at her reflection in the mirror.“You can do this.You can go out there and keep your composure until this dinner is over. This is no worse than dealing
with a problem client.That woman might be a horrible person, but she’s the mother of the man you’re in love with.”
The man who loved her back.She did her damnedest not to think too hard about how things seemed to have gone to shit as soon as they exchanged “I love yous.” It didn’t mean anything. What Ian’s mother thought of her had no effect on their relationship’s ability to last.
She took a deep breath and straightened.Whatever the case, she couldn’t hide in the bathroom for the rest of the night. It was time to go back and face the firing squad.
As she dodged staff on her way back to the table, she caught sight of Ian’s retreating form heading for the exit. Roxanne stopped short and nearly ended up with a face full of soup as a result. She ignored the waiter’s apologies, rooted in place by the fear taking hold of her heart. Ian was leaving her.
No. There had to be some explanation. She just needed to figure out what it was. Roxanne followed him out, her worry increasing with every step. Even knowing it was a knee-jerk reaction to seeing him physically walking away from her, years’ worth of habits weren’t as easily broken as she’d like.
The night air slapped her in the face, the chill unexpected after the warmth indoors. Roxanne paused just o
utside the doors and looked around. He had to be around here somewhere. Seconds ticked by as she searched, her fear increasing the longer she couldn’t find him. By the time she made it to his truck, she half expected it to be gone.
But, no, there he was, sitting on the curb by his front tire, his head in his hands. She wanted to touch him, both for her sake and his, but the feeling of abandonment was too fresh. No way could she put herself out there, even in such a small way. “Ian?”
He raised his head, his eyes so haunted that her stomach dropped. “I can’t do this.”
Do not panic. Do not panic. There had to be some explanation other than the one she immediately jumped to. Roxanne cleared her throat. “Do what?”
“Anything. Everything. This.” He motioned between them. “Fuck, I can’t even handle a dinner with my family in a restaurant. You deserve better than this, Roxanne.”
The hole in her stomach fissured, widening with every word coming out of his mouth. Still, she hung on to the stubborn belief that she wasn’t hearing what she thought she was hearing. “We’ll get through it.”
He shook his head. “There is no getting through it. I’m too fucked up. It’s not your fault this is happening. It’s mine.”
Just like that, her entire world felt apart.The future she’d just started to believe in disappeared. Those children she’d barely let herself consider? They’d never be more than a half-imagined dream now. And what about all the little things she’d allowed herself to hope for? The nights spent playing Monopoly and talking shit. The quiet little hole-in-the-wall restaurants they hadn’t discovered. Eating ice cream by the river every weekend and holding Ian’s hand while they watched the moon reflect off the water.
Gone. All of it. Just gone.
She took a step back, wishing creating more distance between them would help limit the pain radiating through her body. “God, I’ve been such an idiot. You had me fooled, you know that? I actually thought my mother was wrong when it came to you. You played me for a goddamn fool.”
“What the hell are you talking about? Didn’t I just tell you this was my fault?”
Each word drove the pain deeper, until she could barely breathe past it. “Right. Because I haven’t heard the ‘it’s not you—it’s me’ line before.”
“Roxanne…”
Her heart lunged when he said her name, as if it were trying to get closer to him. She pressed a hand to her chest, anger taking the place of hurt. Keep it together. Just keep it together. Right here, right now, all he had to do was reach out, and she’d forgive everything he’d said.
But he didn’t reach out. He didn’t offer that olive branch that would have fixed things.
Instead, Ian pushed to his feet and pulled out his keys. She took another step back. “You are a selfish asshole.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not the only one. I’m dealing with shit, and yet you’ve managed to make it about you.”
She watched him climb into his truck, feeling as if he’d ripped out her heart and thrown it out the window. “So, that’s it?”
“That’s it. Good-bye, Roxanne.” He started his truck and backed out, leaving her staring after him.
He left her.
Even after she tried to keep calm and talk him through his shit, he left her. Roxanne sank onto the same piece of curb he’d occupied not five minutes ago, a sob working its way through her chest. Oh, God. She was going to lose it and, with her luck, Elle would find her like this and then she’d have to explain everything. Mortification and hurt curled around her stomach, tainting the love that had bolstered her through the night. She should have known better than to let things get so far with Ian, but she’d been convinced things were different with him. Hadn’t he told her that?
Yet here she was, less than an hour after saying “I love you.” Abandoned again.
She fumbled through her purse. Since she’d rather walk home than face her best friend, a cab was the only option. Roxanne took several deep breaths before she called, holding the tears at bay by the skin of her teeth. She would not cry, not until she was in the safety of her own home.
Then, and only then, would she let herself fall apart.
21
“What do you mean, you think strippers are a terrible idea?”
Roxanne took a deep breath and strove for patience, even though she knew it was a lost cause. Patience had been in short supply ever since her blowout with Ian. Damn him to hell and back for ruining everything. He was supposed to be different.
“Are you even listening to me? For what I’m paying you, you freaking better be.”
Right. Her current client—the teenage diva. Roxanne held her smile even though her cheeks were starting to ache. “I understand that having half-naked men at your party is part of your dream, but it’s simply not feasible for a number of reasons.”
“I don’t care about cost.”
Roxanne drummed her nails on her leg—safely hidden from the girl’s sight. She did this kind of soothing on nearly a daily basis. Why was it so difficult to come up with the right words now, when she actually needed them? “I’m sorry. But it’s not just the cost that’s the issue. There are legal matters that you can’t get around.” With the skimpy outfits the diva wanted, a costume malfunction was almost guaranteed, and all it would take was one in a room full of minors and people would be going to jail.
The teen shot to her feet, straightening to all six feet of her height. “This is bullshit!”
“Perhaps it’d be best if you took a day or two to talk it over with your parents to decide on a better form of entertainment.” Hopefully one more appropriate for high school kids. “I really am sorry.”
“You keep saying that.” The girl’s eyes shone, and her goddamn lower lip started quivering. “But I don’t think you care at all.” She spun on her heels and marched out of the office, slamming the door behind her.
Roxanne dropped her head to her desk and banged her forehead a few times. She hadn’t handled that well by any definition of the term. She had to get her shit together or her business was going to suffer. Too bad even the threat of that wasn’t enough to shake her out of this funk.
It was her own freaking fault that she was in this mess. If she’d kept her head on straight, this never would have happened. Instead of losing her panties every time Ian looked at her sideways, she should have insisted they just be friends after that first night of hot sex. Or she should have moved across the country to make sure her control held.
How was she supposed to know he’d steal her heart more effectively than he’d stolen her panties?
Should have, would have, could have.
Looking back didn’t change the reality of the situation. They dropped the L-word, and things had blown up in their faces—just like it always had in the past.
Logic said she should keep her head up and walk away just as she had with every single one of her exes, but Roxanne couldn’t manage it. She hurt. It felt like her insides were eating away at one another. All that would be left of her was a hollow shell of the woman she used to be. At this point, the best she’d be able to manage to do would be to crawl away from him if he showed up—not exactly the strongest exit.
It was a moot point. Ian wouldn’t show. God, that hurt even worse.
Her intercom buzzed, saving her from spiraling into a truly pathetic pity party. She practically lunged across the desk to slap the button. “Yes?”
“Elle’s here to see you.”
Shit. Her best friend was number two on the list of people she didn’t want to see right now. But it didn’t look like she’d have a choice, because the little blonde had already walked through her door and sat in the chair across from her. Roxanne sighed. “Thank you, Mallory.”
“No problem.”
Elle folded her hands in her lap.To anyone else, she might be sitting down for a spot of tea, but Roxanne knew better.They were about to have another seriously uncomfortable conversation. Still, that didn’t mean she’d roll over and play d
ead. Even after everything that happened, she still had her pride—hell, it was the only thing she had left.
“What happened with you and Ian the other night? You guys left without saying a word, and neither one of you has been answering your phone for the last two days.” She blushed. “I’d thought you were holed up at your place, but I saw Nathan this morning, and he mentioned Ian has been working like crazy on his house and won’t talk to anyone. So…what’s going on?”
What was going on was that Ian had told her loved her and then turned around and said in no uncertain terms that things would never work between them. It was over. Plain and simple. The fat lady had sung, the curtain was going down, and any number of other metaphors that fit. But this was the one time she couldn’t get into the dirty details with Elle because the guy it revolved around was her big brother. The hero. The unicorn that turned out to be just a horse with a deformity on its head.
“Roxanne?”
She sighed. “Ian and I are over. Which is silly to say because I’m not even sure we had progressed far enough to be something.” Which just reinforced her surety that they shouldn’t have dropped those deadly three little words.
Even if they were true.
“Really? Because at dinner he announced that he loved you. That’s kind of a big deal, so maybe you had better rewind and start from the beginning.”
Words rose, pushing against her lips, demanding to be voiced despite the fact that it was a terrible idea. Why the hell had he told his family he loved her, and then turned around and dumped her ten minutes later? “I followed him out to the parking lot when he left that night, and he told me this thing with us would never work.” Even talking about it had her throat closing up. “He left me. Just drove off into the night. If he really loved me, do you think he’d do something like that?”
“There’s got to be some explanation. You know he’s been having a rough time since he got back.”