Matt's voice is almost whiny, "Ivy, you know how I feel about you, don't you? I care for you. I want to take care of you. I think you feel the same way about me. Why are you asking me to bring Lover Boy? He'll just be in our way!"
I'm embarrassed about how plainly Matt is speaking in front of Tim. That feeling that I've let Tim down—that he is judging me—comes over me. When Tim is around, I doubt the wisdom of having feelings for a zombie. But it's why I need Tim to stay with me. He's like my conscience. I know I won't do anything too stupid if he comes. I know I shouldn't be alone with Matt, with only children for accountability. It will be hard to say no to anything without Tim and Harmony there. If those green eyes asked me to jump into hell, I might. With other Living ones there, I'd be ashamed of myself for even the smallest sin. Even the miracle of reuniting with my family isn't worth the risk of losing my soul. Aunty warned me about Matt. My heart warns me now that I need everyone in this room to stay together.
Resolved, I say again, "If they don't come, I don't come."
Matt makes a disgusted sound and stalks away up the stairs. We hear the old door upstairs slam as he goes outside.
Tim looks beaten as he slumps down to the floor. "He's a killer, Ivy, a murderer. You know that right? He's even a criminal with his own kind! Why was he in Pravda's prison? If the lost think he's bad—he is!"
"How can you know that for sure?" I ask.
"He ran over two people on the way over here!" Tim says in loud disgust. "Go look at the car! You can see where he smashed into them. There is blood all over the bumper!"
"Ivy," Harmony speaks up for the first time, probably more comfortable now that Matt is gone. "How can you even ask that question? You know he's a murderer. He killed me!"
"What!" Tim asks with confusion and anger.
So she did remember. She knows what happened.
"He didn't mean to Harmony." I plead with her to understand that. "He was trying to save you."
"What do you mean 'he killed you?'" Tim is yelling now at Harmony.
She doesn't respond well to yelling, and she shrinks back into silence.
I tell the story, emphasizing Matt's heroic efforts and downplaying my part in the whole thing. I don't mean to speak lightly of what God did for Harmony; I just don't want to claim any of the glory for myself. It wasn't anything I did. God did it.
With this new information, Tim sits quietly thinking.
Finally he speaks. "Okay. We'll go."
I'm confused about how that story, which involved Matt and guns and Harmony dying, has somehow changed his mind. I look at him quizzically.
Tim answers my questioning eyes, "God doesn't work in someone who is out of His will. He wouldn't have used you to bring Harmony back if you were living outside of His plan for your life. He only does big things like that in people who are fully His. This must be His plan for you, Ivy. I don't think you should go with Matt alone. If you want me to come, of course I will stay with you. I meant what I said."
He's referring to his admission of love, and I blush and look down at his reiterated commitment.
"Don't I get a vote?" Harmony finds the courage to speak again. "I don't want to go with him!"
Thomas has been sitting quietly while we argued. His angelic voice chimes in now, trying to convince Harmony. "Please come with us, Harmony? My brother isn't bad. He just doesn't know God yet. He's really great when you get to know him."
"Please, Harmony," I plead with her, "I need you. Don't you feel it? Can't you tell God wants you to come with us?"
She doesn't answer. She puts her head down on her knees, and I think maybe she's praying.
Chapter Fifty-Two
Zombie Robin Hood Boosts A Wagon
I decide to go look for Matt. We need a plan, and he needs to know that Tim is coming. I know Harmony will come too. In all honesty, she's just too chicken to stay here by herself. There is safety in numbers. It’s best that she stay with us.
It's dark outside. It was midday when the alarms went off and we climbed down into the tunnel. Time is catapulting forward and pulling me along with it. The car Matt and Tim brought back is parked right outside the old house. I wonder how Matt got it here through the thick forest of weeds that surrounds us. I'm glad he found a way in, but I'm sure it left an obvious trail. Yet another reason why we need to leave here as soon as possible.
I find Matt sitting in the dented car. The front fender has indeed been damaged. It’s too dark to see any gore, but I'm sure I can trust Tim's story—Matt mowed some zombies down on his short drive over here. Tim called Matt a killer. Why do I feel so certain that my life and Matt’s are supposed to intertwine?
Matt chose a car I haven't seen before. It's smaller than the SUV that Aunty and I always drove. I mentally count the seats to see if we'll all fit. It has a large bench seat in the front, another bench in the back, and a big open area in the rear. I think maybe it's called a station wagon. It looks really old and dated, and I hope it's reliable. I know I won't find a little note on the dash from Maintenance proclaiming their blessing on our trip and promising the car will run great. I climb in the front seat and sit quietly. I feel like it's Matt's turn to say something.
"You’re killing me, Ivy."
"Sorry."
"Are they both coming?"
"Yes," and then I add "Please?"
He sighs a long, tired, grumpy "I give up" sigh, and I'm relieved to hear him surrender.
"Thank you," I say, and I spontaneously lean over and kiss his cheek. I don't know why I did it, I've never kissed anyone but family. It's a big deal to me, but it doesn't seem to mean much to him. He just nods.
"You better go round them all up. I'm leaving here in fifteen minutes."
When I get out of the car, Tim is standing by the front door of the old house. Did he see me kiss Matt? Is he going to follow me everywhere and stare at me all the time? I look down instead of at him when I walk past him into the house. He's announced his love for me, unabashedly. If I want him to come with us, I'm going to have to live with the fact that he jealously wants my undivided affection.
As I walk past him into the dark house, Tim says my name quietly, like a question, "Ivy?"
I remember my strange feelings for him. I remember seeing him in a towel the other day and the surprising amount of attraction I felt. I'm still touched by how gentle and caring he was while I sat and cried for Aunty. He looks half decent when he takes off those awful glasses. He's a very good man, and I know that I can count on him for anything. He wants me even though I've been a backstabbing brat. A very small, minuscule, part of me kind-of wants him back.
I reach for Tim’s hand in the dark and he squeezes my hand. I feel like a lunatic.
“Matt says we’re leaving in fifteen minutes.”
“Ok.”
I pull away from Tim and walk back down the old stairs into the cellar. I jump with surprise as a dark figure emerges from the tunnel. Before I can let out a warning cry, Tim bounds past me, pulls his brother Andrew to his feet and embraces him. Captain Markowitz has found our secret cellar. This is a new complication.
Should I go get Matt?
Andrew looks around and clears his throat when he sees me. I feel deeply guilty of everything he's thinking and probably some things he isn't thinking.
"Where's Matt?" Andrew demands.
He's older than all of us, and he has lived through terrible experiences that have given him wisdom and authority. Our status here in the house just went from independent grownups to children. Matt was right about any of my people joining us. Andrew isn't going to let Matt be the leader. He will try to keep me and Rosa and Harmony and Thomas from going with Matt. And I'm sure Andrew won't let Tim to go, even if we do.
"Are you alone?" I ask instead of answering him. "Is anyone else safe?" I'm still clinging to the desperate hope that some of our people could have survived.
"I'm alone," he says sadly. "I wasn't at the U.R. when they came through the fence."
"Yeah, Harmony told us." I tip my head towards her, still sitting in the corner. She looks up but doesn't smile or speak.
"I couldn't do anything to save them. There were too many of them. I think some of our people did get away though. Harmony told me enough on the way to the tunnel for me to find it myself. It took me awhile to get here without being seen. I recovered the entrance; you had it fairly well concealed. I don't think they'll find it tonight, but we can't stay here."
"We aren't staying here. We're going to Atlanta," Tim states with no hint of doubt and no desire for permission.
"I see. May I ask why?" Andrew asks his younger brother with quiet respect.
I'm shocked.
Andrew treats Tim like an equal? He isn't going to say no?
I decide to let Tim handle his brother, and I sit down on the bottom step hoping for the outcome I desperately need—the six of us leaving here together ASAP.
"Ivy's father and Colleen's sister are in Atlanta, inside Pravda. Matt met them in prison," Tim says with too much emphasis on Matt's questionable criminal character, "and Matt says he knows someone who can get them out."
"So they are believers?" Andrew asks.
"Matt didn't say. I guess I'm assuming they are based on the fact that they were in Pravda's prison," Tim says with a shrug.
"In a cell near Matt?" Andrew asks, eyebrows raised, pointing out the obvious. Matt isn't Living. They might not be.
"Yeah, I guess we don't know if they are." Tim looks concerned as he realizes that we don't know anything about them or why they are being held by Pravda.
Listening to their concerns, I'm afraid for the worst. I hadn't really thought about dad and Aunty Betty being one way or the other. When I last saw them, they had the disease but no symptoms. I was picturing them healthy because my last memories of them are when they were healthy. But really, I guess I don't know.
This new fear weighs on me. I need an answer, and I know where I can get one. Right now. I stand slowly and tiptoe back up the stairs to find Matt. If Tim and Andrew notice me leaving, they don't call me back. It's time Matt knew about our newest complication anyways.
Chapter Fifty-Three
And We’re Off
I physically bump into Matt at the top of the stairs. We are alone in the dark, standing so close that our bodies are touching. The sound of Matt breathing fills my ears in the silent old house. He sounds so sturdy and strong. I feel my breath catch raggedly with the anticipation that comes from being so close to him. The attraction I feel for him consumes me like nothing I've ever experienced. Desires I've never felt are waking up in me for the first time. I forget why I came up the stairs, and I stand still, wanting to be close to him like this for as long as it can last.
An involuntary shiver of excitement runs through me. Matt rumbles a chuckle in my ear, and I'm suddenly embarrassed. I must seem like such a little girl to him; so inexperienced with guys; so overly excited by just being near him. The haunting thought that Matt has probably been with a lot of girls sweeps over me and steals my eagerness. The breathy moment is over, and I step around Matt and walk a few feet away. I feel depressed and frustrated and it's too much emotion in too short a time.
My feelings spilling out in my words, I sound flat and angry when I speak. "Andrew, Captain Markowitz, is here. He found the tunnel. He came alone. He said he re-covered the entrance well, and he thinks we are safe for tonight."
I can't see Matt’s face in the darkness, and he doesn't immediately speak so I don't know if he's angry. I figure he will be. Andrew Markowitz has to be one of his least favorite people. Andrew kept Matt locked up while Thomas hung on the edge of death.
Matt steps closer to me, and the moonlight filtering through a broken window shows me his face etched with confusion. That isn’t the emotion that I was expecting to see. "Why did you move away? Are you mad at me?" Matt asks with quiet, genuine concern.
I don't know how to answer him. I'm still embarrassed by my lack of experience; still frustrated that I don't know enough about him. And we are so different. I know he couldn't possibly understand any of that. If I told him that I wanted to be special to him, to know that he would love me faithfully, forsaking all others, and ideally marry me—I'm pretty sure he'd run away from the crazy girl from God Town. I suddenly remember the other reason I came looking for him.
"I need to ask you something."
"Anything," he states openly, wanting to please me.
"My dad and Aunty Betty—were they like me?" I pause, "Or like you?"
"They were like you," he says evenly.
I feel my shoulders relax in relief, and two tears spill down my cheeks from out of nowhere. They are Alive! Even if I can't ever get to them, I'll see them soon. We'll all be together soon no matter what.
Matt sighs and asks, "What if they hadn't been immune like you? Would you have cared less for them? Are we really all that different, Ivy?"
He reaches out and takes my hand and I notice he isn't wearing his gloves. The feel of his warm rough skin against mine brings back the confusing feelings again, though not as strongly as before.
I don't answer his question, unsure what answer would be the right one. Instead I ask another question, "Why were they there then? Why were you there?"
"I was there for my own reasons," he says, vague as always. There is more mystery to him than I'll ever be able to figure out. "They were there because Pravda was, uh, interested in them scientifically."
"You mean experimenting on them?" I ask horrified.
"Yeah."
"And it's why they want me, isn't it?" I must be stupid. It took me this long to reach that oh so obvious conclusion. It is no coincidence that Pravda has my family locked up and also happens to want me.
"I think so. There is something very special about you Ivy. You are really incredible, you know. What you did the other night—" he trails off, leaving a heavy silence between us.
I think he means what happened with Harmony. He thinks I did something incredible. Once again, he has completely missed the truth. Thomas' healing, Harmony's healing, how can a person be so blind?
"Ivy?" Tim's voice and shadow are suddenly in the room with us. He must have been worried that Matt would be angry about Andrew.
"So, how many more of your people are going to make themselves at home in my hideout?" Matt asks, almost good-naturedly.
I try to pull my hand away from Matt, but he holds onto it tightly, almost painfully. I'm sure Tim is as surprised as I am about Matt’s seeming indifference to Andrew's presence.
"Actually, he is just passing through," Tim says sadly.
"I don't have to come up with free food and shelter for him too?" Matt asks sarcastically.
I hadn't thought about our group as dependent on Matt. Four more mouths to feed, and no credits to our name. And none of us can go give blood; we are wanted criminals now. Matt can't give enough blood to keep us all fed. We have a lot to figure out.
"No." Tim doesn't sound as appreciative as I feel. "He used the tunnel to get out of the compound, but he's not coming with us."
"Where will he go?" I ask softly.
It must be very hard for Tim to say goodbye to his only family. Their dad is probably dead, thanks to me. Tim still wants to come with me, even now when he could leave with his own brother. His love is overwhelming. I'm choosing my family over everyone else by daring this trip to Atlanta for a rescue that may not even be possible. As usual, just being near Tim makes me feel guilty.
"He isn't sure. Probably our grandmother’s cabin."
"You don't want to go with him?" I ask.
I can't understand Tim picking me over his family.
"If you don't want me to come with you Ivy, I won't." Tim says with strangled emotion.
I sense that he's trying not to cry, and I feel terrible. I didn't mean for my question to sound like it did. He took it like I wished he'd go with Andrew.
"No!" I say quickly backpedaling. "I want you
to come with us!"
Matt finally drops my hand. He draws phlegm up in his throat with a disgusting loud noise and spits on the floor. His disgust with my desire for Tim to come is all too clear.
"We're leaving in five minutes," he says tersely. "Make yourself useful, and help me haul everything to the car."
I'm pretty sure Matt was talking to Tim, but I hurry down the stairs to start the moving process—partly just to get out of the darkness and away from our uncomfortable threesome. Everyone but Thomas starts hauling armloads of stuff to the car. Andrew is a huge help, and I can't help but be impressed by the graciousness that Dr. Markowitz instilled in his two sons.
Little Rosa is asleep again, and Tim carries her up the stairs and gently sets her into the back seat of the old car, tucking blankets around her. Matt hauls the guns himself; none of us feel comfortable touching them. I watch him place them strategically throughout the car. One in the glove box, one under the driver's seat, one under the back seat. When he bends to lay the last couple in the back of the car, the gun I held in the tunnel glints in his waistband. I wish it was overkill; but, from what I've heard about Atlanta, I find myself wondering if it will be enough.
The basement emptied, we stand at the car and look at each other under a star filled sky. Matt has loaded Thomas' wheel chair in the back with the rest of the supplies, and Thomas is sitting in the front seat with the door open.
Andrew clears his throat, breaking the silence, "I'd like to pray for you before you go."
Without a word, Matt walks to the driver's side, gets in and shuts his door. The rest of us glance awkwardly at each other; and, when Andrew starts praying, we bow our heads. Tim reaches out and takes my hand, and I assume he is also holding Harmony's hand. We often hold hands and pray in groups at the U.R.
"Father," Andrew says loudly into the night sky. His voice catches for a moment, and I imagine his thoughts have drifted to his earthly father, who is now in heaven with his Heavenly Father, and my Aunty. "Lord," he starts again, "protect them. Guide them in your will, make their paths clear. We know you are coming soon. May they accomplish what you have planned for them in the short time we have left. You are good, always good. Thank you for healing us, for saving us. Bring everyone here safely into your great kingdom."
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