And just as I let his tongue touch mine, something pierces my thigh. I cry out and push Realm back. He’s holding a needle, fluid still dripping from the tip.
His eyes start watering. “I’m so sorry,” he whispers. “I can’t let them erase me.”
“What did you do?” I cry out, completely stunned and horrified. “Realm, what did you just do?”
“I had to, Sloane.” He holds out his hand to me, but I slap it away and rush past him.
“Don’t touch me!” I scream, pulling open his door. I’m scared he’s going to follow me, so I try to hurry to my room. But I’m only halfway down the hall when I feel the first wave of medication crash over me. I stumble forward, not sure how I’m going to make it to my bed.
This is like the effect of the yellow pill that Dr. Warren gives me, only stronger. I suddenly think that The Program is going to kill me for finding out about Realm. That Realm is going to kill me. I stagger in my doorway and then fall, my knee hitting the white floor hard.
I’m on my hands and knees, the room tipping from side to side in front of me as I crawl toward the safety of my bed.
“Sloane,” I hear, and then arms are around my waist, helping me up. I turn my head lazily to the side and see Realm.
“No,” I say, trying to fight him off. “Leave me alone.” But the words are slurred on my lips as he leads me to the bed.
“I’m sorry. It’s the only way. I swear, it’s the only way.”
“What have you done?” I ask, although I’m not sure if he can understand me as sleep starts to drown me like rushing river water.
“I can’t let you remember,” he murmurs, helping me into bed and then climbing in next to me, holding me protectively in his arms even as I struggle weakly. He’s still talking, but his voice is fading out, fading over me. “. . . or I’ll never get out.”
“I’ll tell everyone,” I try to say, but I can’t keep my eyes open. “I’ll tell everyone.” And then Realm’s gone. And so am I.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
MY EYES FLUTTER OPEN, AND I COVER MY FACE with my forearm, blocking out the light from the overhead fluorescents. My head is pounding, feeling thick with sleep.
When the fog starts to clear, I look to my side table, and the clock reads almost ten. The room smells like toast, and I find the cart on the other side with a covered tray. The food is probably long cold by now. Why didn’t anyone wake me?
I slip on my robe, wondering where everyone is. I pause at my door, before going out into the hall. There’s a young nurse at the station typing on her computer, and from the leisure room I can hear the TV. Everything seems normal, and yet . . . I’m confused.
“Ah. You’re awake.”
I jump and turn to see Nurse Kell walking toward me from the other direction, smiling broadly. “You weren’t feeling well today, so we let you sleep in. Did you want me to get you a snack, honey?”
“Not feeling well?” I look down the hallway as Derek walks by, saluting me in greeting. “I’m . . .” Pushing my hair away from my face, I think back to yesterday. But I can’t find anything there. “What day is it?” I ask.
Nurse Kell smiles like the question isn’t even odd. “It’s Saturday. And the sun is finally out if you’d like to go out to the garden.”
“What?” I’m stunned by her statement, never having been let outside before. Saturday? “It’s Friday, isn’t it?” I’m sure it’s Friday.
“No, honey. But you were running a fever yesterday, and we had to medicate you. So I’m not surprised you don’t remember.”
My mind starts to race then, and I know that they’ve done something to my memory. I keep my face calm, but Nurse Kell can see what I’m thinking. I want to scream. I want to punch her. I want them out of my head. What did they erase this time? Whatever it is, it wasn’t theirs to take.
“Where’s Realm?” I ask.
“He’s playing cards in the other room.” She brushes my hair off my shoulder, her face a portrait of concern. “You go see him, and I’ll get you some clean clothes for your shower. You should really take it easy today.”
I want to slap her hand away from me, but instead I just turn and hurry toward the leisure room. When I get inside, Realm immediately looks up, smiling around the pretzel cigar in his mouth. “Hey, sweetness. Didn’t think you’d ever get up.”
“I need to talk to you,” I say, shifting uneasily from foot to foot. Realm’s face drops, and he yanks out the pretzel and tosses down his cards.
“Hey!” Shep calls, but Realm is stalking toward me. He takes my arm, lowering his head.
“What is it? Are you okay?” he whispers, studying my eyes.
I cling to Realm, pressing my face against his chest. “They did something to me,” I say. His body is stiff at first, but then he relaxes around me, gently stroking my hair.
“How so?”
“I can’t remember yesterday. A whole day! They won’t leave me alone,” I tell him, and I feel the tears wet on my cheek, on his shirt.
“Sloane, you were sick. Why do you think they did something to you?”
“I just know.” I knot my hands in the back of Realm’s shirt, keeping him there, not caring as his friends call out to us—telling us to get a room. Not caring that I can feel the stares of the nurses. Nobody breaks us up, though, and Realm wipes my tears with his thumbs.
“Want to go outside?” he asks, a small smile on his face. “They told me you earned some garden time.”
“Why?”
“For being a good girl.” He grins. “Kidding. You’re getting close to release time. Everyone gets to go out when that happens.”
“Not you.”
Realm looks away.
“Wait,” I say. “You could go outside all this time?”
He nods, and I scoff. “Well, why haven’t you?” I ask. “You should be getting fresh air, not be trapped in here.”
“I was waiting for you,” he says with a shrug.
A smile pulls at my lips as I think Realm’s entirely sweet. That he cares about me. “You’re an idiot,” I say. “But that’s what I like about you.” The thought of actual sunlight fills me with so much hope that I jog toward my room to get into fresh scrubs. I’m going outside.
• • •
“This is really beautiful,” I say as we walk down the rows of flowers. The gravel pathway crunches under my sneakers, and in the light, true sunlight, Realm’s black hair is a sharp contrast to his skin. I think he’d look better as a blond.
“Hold hands?” he asks.
“No, I like my freedom,” I say absently, looking over the expansive lawn. I wonder if I could escape, but I see a tall iron fence just beyond the neat row of trees. My heart sinks just a little.
Realm is kicking at the rocks as we walk, and he seems down. “What’s wrong?” I ask.
He looks at me, startled. “Oh, nothing. I was just thinking about when I’m out.”
“Soon.”
He nods. “Yep.” He turns to me then, stopping me in the path. “What are you going to do when you’re out, Sloane? Who’s the first person you want to see?” He smiles then, that adorable smile that makes me feel like we’re sharing secrets. Only out here it doesn’t seem so infectious.
I’m not sure how to answer because when I think of home, all I can see are my parents. A few random faces pop up, but they’re just classmates, none of them my friends. The loneliness once again overwhelms me, and I stagger back. Realm catches my arm and straightens me.
“Hey,” he says. “You okay? Did you remember something?”
“No,” I whisper. “And that’s the problem. I don’t remember anything anymore.”
Realm meets my eyes. “Do you remember me?”
“Of course. But I don’t know if they’re going to take you, too.”
“They won’t.”
I watch as he lowers his head, the black hair dye too dark—fake. “How do you know?” I ask. His throat clicks as he swallows, but then he glances up, smiling.
“Because you couldn’t forget me, Sloane. I’m way too awesome.”
I laugh, but it’s out of obligation. His joke doesn’t cheer me up or set me at ease. I don’t like the way he looks in the light. Everything around me is too sharply focused. I motion back toward the building.
“I want to go inside,” I say, turning and heading back. Realm runs to catch up with me, surprised, I’m sure.
“Sloane,” he asks carefully. “Are you mad at me?”
I furrow my brow. “No. Why do you ask?”
“You just don’t seem to like me anymore.”
I consider taking his hand then, but I don’t. I keep walking, and he falls behind a little. I have no idea how to explain to Realm that, in the light, he’s not what I thought he was. That I do feel different today. About him. About everything. I’m not quite sure why, but more than ever I’m desperate to go home. I’m going to play this game, beat The Program. I’m going to get out of here.
• • •
Realm is practically glued to my side at lunch. Under the harsh fluorescents, he looks more himself. And yet, I sense that something is off. Every time he touches my arm, or tries to take my hand, I shrink away. He doesn’t ask again if I like him, but I see the question in his eyes.
I leave him and decide to take a long shower, the nurses allowing it although one of them stays in the bathroom with me. I must be in there almost a half hour because my skin is pruned and I’m exhausted from the heat. Everything about today is wrong, my new freedom, my changed feelings. I almost skip dinner, but I’m hungry so I go downstairs.
At the last minute I decide to sit with Tabitha, ignoring Realm as he waits at our table. I can’t make sense of my emotions, of how I want to stay away from my only real friend.
“So are you and Realm, like, broken up?” Tabitha asks, poking her spork into her cube steak. Her hair is a shiny brunette, the red long gone. She hardly looks like the same person, but she seems healthier. Even her short-term memory seems restored.
“We weren’t dating,” I say, not glancing up.
“Yeah, right. He follows you around like a puppy, and you don’t seem to mind.” She pauses and smiles. “So can I take a shot at him?”
There’s a turn in my stomach, and I’m not sure if it’s jealousy or some sort of worry. “Go ahead, but he leaves in less than a week. Quick romance.”
“I’m just looking to have sex.”
I laugh and look up at her, but she just grins at me. “I knew that would get your attention.”
“I hope you’re kidding.” I’m still smiling as I put a green bean in my mouth. Tabitha stares past me at Realm, making kissy faces to his back as he faces away. Something about this moment is authentic, and I like it. “Hey,” I ask her. “Want to play cards with us later?”
Tabitha beams. “Seriously? You’re inviting me to hang with the cool kids?” She’s trying to sound sarcastic, but her expression tells me she’s thrilled to be included.
“You are hereby inducted into the club,” I say. And then just to make it official we cheers our cartons of milk.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
“BULLSHIT, SLOANE,” REALM CALLS AS I SIT ACROSS from him.
My mouth twitches with a smile. “No way.”
“Show the cards.” Realm narrows his eyes like he thinks I’ll cheat. I look around the table at Tabitha, who’s giggling behind her hand, and Shep and Derek as they yell for me to flip my hand. I roll my eyes and turn them over.
Realm crosses his arms over his chest, looking impressed. “Three queens,” I say.
“Can’t believe you really had it,” Shep says, laughing as he slides the cards toward Realm. When Realm picks them up, he looks me over, studying my expression.
“Guess I can’t tell when you’re lying,” he says quietly.
“Guess you can’t.” I smile.
“I knew she was telling the truth,” Tabitha says, looking proud.
“Did not,” Shep argues.
I continue to grin as we start the next hand, and I feel normal. Maybe the most normal I’ve felt since coming to The Program. My medications have been cut down and my weight has stabilized. The fog that’s been with me since the beginning is gone.
This is real. When I look up, I see Realm watching me, his head tilted to the side. Just like in the garden, he seems a little sad, but I don’t know why. You’d think he’d be happy to be leaving The Program. He should be happy to be almost home.
Over the next few days, Tabitha wins every hand of Bullshit, even catches me lying once. I can’t help but think that none of us should be in here. We’re normal. No one’s talking about suicide, or crying. When I see the new patients come in, they’re a mess—sobbing and fighting. We’re a world apart from them now, and I can’t imagine that I was ever like that.
I’m sitting in my room reading a magazine when there’s a knock at my door. It opens slowly and Realm pops his head in. “Hey,” he says quietly.
I smile. “Hey.”
Realm enters, shutting the door behind him before taking a seat next to my bed, chewing on his lip. “I’m . . .” He clears his throat. “I’m leaving tomorrow, Sloane.”
There’s a heavy pain in my chest. “Oh.” We stare at each for a long minute, and then I hold up my arms and Realm climbs onto the bed to hug me. We stay like that for a long time before he sniffles and wipes his face.
“This is the first time I’ve seen you cry,” I say, my own voice choked up.
“Can I ask you something, Sloane?” Realm’s voice is low like he’s not sure he should.
“Of course.”
He pauses. “Can we see each other again—after all of this is over?”
I furrow my brow, thinking it’s a strange question to ask. That of course I would see him again. But inside, I feel doubt—that maybe I didn’t intend to find Realm. Like there’s something holding me back from him. When I don’t answer right away, he nods, a tear sliding down the side of his nose.
“I should go,” he says. “I’ve got to get back to the boys. They’re having a going-away party for me.”
“And I wasn’t invited?” I ask, not wanting Realm to leave. I feel terrible, like I’m a bad friend to him.
“Sorry, sweetness,” he says. “Guys only.”
Realm stands but I reach out to take his arm, stopping him from walking away. He pauses, looking down at the floor as if he’s afraid to turn to me. I climb out of bed and pull him into a hug, resting my cheek against his chest.
“I’ll miss you,” I say. “I’ll miss you madly.”
Realm squeezes me tightly then, his arm clasped around me. “I’ll miss you, too.”
And when he pulls back, I give him a soft peck on the lips, hoping it’s enough. Hoping it shows how much I care. But by the sad smile on his face, I know it’s not. So I let him leave.
• • •
The nurse gives me permission to take one last walk with Realm, so we go out to the garden. It’s sunny and bright, and I think again how beautiful the flowers look. Realm’s ride will be here in less than a half hour, and then he’ll be gone.
I reach out to take his hand, surprised by how cool it is. He bumps his shoulder into mine, and we walk a little longer.
“Tabitha is leaving on Monday,” I tell him. “She’s got her new haircut, some new clothes. Shep’s getting a new style too—and hopefully some deodorant.” I look sideways at Realm and drop his hand. “How come they didn’t make you over?”
“Maybe there isn’t anything to improve on.”
I laugh. “Well, Dr. Warren says that the return is easier if we freshen up our looks. I think she might be right. I’m thinking of straightening my hair.”
Realm reaches up suddenly, holding a handful of my curls. “No,” he says. “Your hair’s beautiful.” He shrugs. “You’re beautiful.”
I blush, but then back away, letting my hair fall from his palm.
Realm kicks at some pebbles on the path. “Sloane, if things were differen
t, if we weren’t in The Program . . . do you think we could be together?”
Prickles race up my skin, and I’m sure that I don’t know the answer. Realm steps closer and puts his hands on my bare upper arms. “I could take care of you if you want,” he says. “And when you get out of here, I’d be there.”
“I don’t want anyone to take care of me,” I say. “I want to figure out how to take care of myself. I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
“I know you,” he says, sounding somber. “And I’d do anything for you, even if you can’t understand why right now.” He watches me for a long moment, no doubt trying to see if I feel something for him other than friendship.
I wonder then how I’ll know when I’m in love, especially if I don’t know what it feels like. Have I ever been in love before? Did anyone love me back?
“If you look for me, Sloane,” Realm says, “I’ll be waiting.”
I’m suddenly choked up, and I lean into a hug, closing my eyes tightly. “Thank you for everything, Realm. Thank you for—”
“Michael,” a voice calls out. We separate. Nurse Kell is waving to him from across the lawn, a blond woman in dark sunglasses beside her. Realm stiffens next to me, and his hands fall away. He meets my eyes one more time and kisses my forehead. Then he moves to pause by my ear.
“They’ll still watch you,” he whispers. “They’ll look for signs.”
“Signs of what?” Fear streaks through me.
“I’ll help you any way I can,” he continues. “Don’t forget that.”
I think it’s a crazy thing to tell someone in The Program—don’t forget. That’s what we’re here for. Forgetting is how we’ve all gotten better. Tears fall down my cheeks as Realm backs away, looking helplessly at me as he does. When he turns around, his sneakers crunch the gravel. I watch him walk out of The Program. And out of my life.
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