NAMES FOR THE TWINS
Some amusing "baptismal experiences" of a "well-known clergyman" areprinted in the columns of an exchange. A boy born on January 3, 1863,was dubbed Emancipation Proclamation Baxter. Another he christenedPerseverance Jones. When the minister endeavored to dissuade the fatherhe replied that the child's mother was named Patience, and he saw noreason why the boy should not be called Perseverance, because the twoalways went together. But the richest of his reminiscences had to dowith twins:
"What names will you call them?" I inquired.
"Cherubim and Seraphim," replied their mother.
"Why?" I asked, in astonishment.
"Because," she replied, "de pra'er book says, 'De cherubim and seraphimcontinually do cry,' an' dese yere chil'en do nuffin' else."
EXTREMES MEET
As the newspaper man put it: "A late invoice from Boston to Africaincluded three missionaries and eighty-three casks of rum--salvation inthe cabin, damnation in the hold, and Old Glory floating over both."
This fine bit of ecclesiastical sarcasm is further illustrated by a factconcerning a church in the city of Edinburgh, which city is noted forits Scottish brand of "religion and whiskey," and of which wits havespoken as being "the most spiritually minded city in the Kingdom."Well--there is said to be a church there, so built as to include aspacious basement adapted for storage purposes, which the pious elders,with a business eye to revenue, did not scruple to rent for the storageof casks of wine and other spirits in considerable bulk. Well--alongcomes some clever wit with a facile pen and writes on the door of thebasement of that Edinburgh church the following lines. The authorship isunknown, but Macready is suspected:
"There's a spirit above And a spirit below, The spirit of love And the spirit of woe.
"The spirit above Is the spirit of love, And the spirit below Is the spirit of woe.
"The spirit above Is a spirit divine, And the spirit below Is the spirit of wine."
A FIRE SCREEN
A Southern politician, in rehearsing some of the stories with which hemade many Democratic votes during a campaign, related the following ashaving probably been the most effective:
A darkey had a dream and thought he went to the bad place. The next dayhe told his friends what he had dreamed, and they asked him a great manyquestions.
"Did you see ole Satan down dar?" one of them asked.
"Oh, yes; I seed ole Satan dar, an' Belzybub, an' Pollyun an' de hulllot. Dey was jist standin' roun' an' tendin' to de bisniss, pokin' defires an' makin' it hot fer de folks."
"Was dey--was dey any niggahs down dar?"
"Oh, yes, dey was lots an' lots o' niggahs, heaps on 'em."
"An' white folks?"
"Oh, yes, lots o' white folks, too; scores an' scores on 'em."
"Democrats?"
"Oh, yes, plenty Democrats."
"An' 'Publicans?"
"Oh, yes. De 'Publicans dey was in one pen by deyselves, an' deDemocrats dey was all in a pen, too."
"Was de white an' de black 'Publicans in de same pen?"
"Yes, dey was all togedder in de same pen."
"What was dey all a-doin'?"
"Well, I 'clar to goodness, w'en I looked in dat ar pen an' seed 'em, itpeered like ebbery blame white 'Publikin had a niggah in his armsa-holdin' him up 'twixt him an' de fire to cotch de heft o' de heat."
"I estimate that this story," said the politician, "was good for atleast twelve hundred colored votes on our side in this campaign."
BRANDIED PEACHES
The guests were all gathered in the parlor laughing and talking, whenthe host was suddenly summoned by his wife for a brief consultation inthe dining-room before dinner was served.
"Tom," said she, in evident alarm, "what shall I do? I have nothing fordessert but brandied peaches, and there's Dr. Brown, the Methodistminister, in the company. I never thought about him--you know he's sucha strict temperance person."
Tom said he was sorry, but it was evidently too late to change theschedule, and that they would just have to trust to luck.
They did--and luck did not fail them. For when it came to the dessert,the Rev. Mr. Brown evidently enjoyed the peaches very much, very much.Dear innocent soul! he thought he had never tasted anything half sogood. And when the hostess sweetly asked him, "Could she not have thepleasure of serving him with another peach?" he hesitatingly replied,"No--thank you--thank you--but I believe I will take a little more ofthe juice!"
"MOUNTED?"
Another darkey relates a dream he had during an exciting politicalcampaign down in Kentucky, only in this case his dream took an oppositedirection. "I dreamed," said he, "dat I died an' went up to de big gateo' hebbin an' wanted to git in, an' Sent Petah he says to me, says he,'Is you mounted?' an' I says, 'No.' An' he says, 'Den you can't comein.' So I kum away, an' on de way down I met Kunnel White, de man wat'srunnin' fo' Congress, an' I told him 'twant no use: he couldn't git inif he wasn't mounted. 'Better go back,' says I, 'an' mount de bay mare.'But he says, 'No, I tell you, Sam, what we'll do. You'll be my hoss.I'll git on your back, an' we'll ride up to de gate an' when Petah says,"Is you mounted?" I'll say, "Yaas," an' I'll ride you right in.'
"So I got down on my han's an' feet an' he got up on my back, an' wetrotted up to de big gate, and de kunnel he knocked on de doo', an' SentPetah he open de gate a crack an' says, 'Who's dar?' an' de kunnel says,'Kunnel White o' Kentucky, sah.' An' Petah says, 'Is you mounted?' an'de kunnel says, 'Yaas, I is, sah.' An' Sent Petah he says, 'Mighty gladto see you, kunnel. Jist tie your hoss on de outside de gate an' comeright in!'"
"DOLLARS TO DOUGHNUTS"
They say that the difference between an optimist and a pessimist isthis: The optimist looks on the doughnut, the pessimist looks on thehole. Well, there once was a man up in a certain town in EasternPennsylvania who did a very good business at the baker-trade. Everybodyknew and patronized the good German baker, Hans Kitzeldorfer. Hans wasindustrious, frugal and thrifty, and was making money, until oneunfortunate day he turned pessimist and began to look on the hole in thedoughnut. The longer he looked at that hole the more he became persuadedthat he could make money much more rapidly by making the holes in hiscelebrated brand of doughnuts larger than they had been. This happysuggestion he at once proceeded to act on, and for two years he wasimmensely tickled over his discovery. But by and by it seemed to himthat his receipts were not as large as formerly, especially in theDoughnut Department, and he ordered an investigation, the result ofwhich Was that he discovered that by making the holes larger he hadunwittingly used more dough to go around the holes than when the holeswere less in diameter, whereupon he at once restored his earlier andmore profitable system--and Prosperity returned.
TWO POLITE AND SPUNKY BOYS
A German, meeting a friend on the street, asked him to come up to hishouse some day, he wanted to show him his two boys. "I haf," said he,"two of de finest poys vot ever vas; two very fine, polite undt spunkypoys."
His friend went up to the house one day, and the two friends weresitting on the porch talking and smoking their pipes, while the two boyswere playing in front of the house in the street.
"Now I vill show you," said the proud father, "vat two very fine poys Ihaf." And with that he called, "Poys!"
One of the little fellows looked up and promptly answered, "Sir?"
"See," said the father, "how polite. Two very polite undt spunky poys."
By and by he called out again, "Poys!" and the other little chap lookedup from his play and responded, "Sir?"
Again the father proudly commended them to his companion, saying, "Howpolite, how polite."
A third time he ventured to put them to the test, as he said, "Just toshow you vat two polite undt spunky poys I haf," and called out, "poys!"
One of the little fellows straightened himself up at this, and shakinghis fist at the old man, called out:
"Look here, old man, i
f you don't stop your blame hollerin' at us, I'llcome in there an' bust your head with a brick."
"See!" exclaimed the delighted father, "spunky, spunky! Two very politeundt spunky poys."
* * * * *
Passing by a mill-pond in winter time, and observing a parcel of boysskating right under and around a DANGER sign which had been erectedthere, a gentleman looked up the miller and expostulated with him forallowing it.
The miller smiled and said, "You just rest easy, my friend. It's allright. I put that danger sign there on purpose to attract the boys tothat part of the pond. You see the water is only a foot deep there, butaway on the other side it's twenty feet deep. If I'd a put the dangersign over there, then they'd all gone over there. So I put it over here.Catch on?"
A CRANKY COUPLE
On the way to the minister's house to be married a couple had afall-out, and when the woman was asked: "Would she take this man for herwedded husband?" she said, "No!" And the man said, "Why--what's thematter with you?" and she said, "Well, I've taken a sudden dislike toyou."
They went away without being married, but they made it all up in a fewdays' time and went to the minister's house again. But, when the man wasasked, "Would he have this woman for his wedded wife?" he, to get even,answered, "No!" and then she said, "What's the matter with you, now?"and he said, "Oh, nothin', only I've tuk a sudden dislike to you."
They went away again, again made it up, and again came to the minister'shouse, rang the bell, and when the minister appeared, the man said,"Well, parson, here we are again. We'll make it good this time, sure;third time proves, you know." And the minister said "No--he guessed hedidn't care to marry them." And then they both said, "Why, what's thematter with you, now?" and he said, "Well, I've taken a sudden disliketo both of you!"
SO MANY BALD HEADS
Thirty-six years after the date of the battle of Gettysburg, the veteransurvivors of a Pennsylvania regiment were holding their first reunion inthat celebrated town. In the forenoon they dedicated their monument onthe field of "The First Day's Fight," and in the afternoon they were tohold a business meeting in the Post Room of the local G. A. R. On thatday accommodations were quite inadequate in Gettysburg, and the PostRoom was in consequence occupied nearly every hour of the day by someof the various organizations there assembled, so that when it came theturn of this particular regiment to occupy the room, the SeventhPennsylvania Cavalry was still in session. They waited outside until thecavalrymen were through, and then filed in. One who was there says:
"As we went in, I noticed a man going in beside me, tall, well-formed,with a very fine head of coal-black hair, and rather the worse fordrink. I wondered who he was, for I knew nearly every man in theregiment, but I couldn't place that man.
"Well, when we were all seated, and General Wister took the gavel inhand to rap to order, this black-haired man arose slowly and somewhatuncertainly, saluted and said:
"'Cap'n, before you read the minutes and proceed to business, I'd liketo ask a question. What, hic, regiment is this that's holding a reunionhere?'
"'The One Hundred and Fiftieth Pennsylvania, Bucktails,' answered thegeneral with a smile.
"'Then, 'tain't the Seventh Cavalry?'
"'No. It's the One Hundred and Fiftieth.'
"The Man seemed dazed, repeated the number over and over to himself andsaid: 'Then I'm in the wrong box, cap'n--got left. Ever get leftyourself, cap'n? Great Scott, got in the wrong box."
"Then he sat down, chuckling to himself over his adventure andmuttering, 'Wrong box,' and 'Got left.'
"By and by he arose again, courteously saluted, and said:
"'Cap'n, 'scuze me--but what regiment did you say this was? How much wasit?"
"'The One Hundred and Fiftieth.'
"'The One Hundred and Fiftieth--'m hic, Great Scott,' looking carefullyaround the room, 'a fellow'd think it was the Three Hundred andForty-Ninth by the bald heads a-settin' around here!' And then he left,amidst roars of laughter."
WIND AND WATER
When a political stump speaker, from the wild and windy West, after avery high-falutin flight of oratory paused to gulp down two tumblers ofice-water, old Hayseed arose in one of the front benches and called out:"Well, I'll be durned if this hain't the fust time I ever see a windmillrun by water."
Which goes well with what we read of a newly elected senator. He waspounding his desk and waving his arms in an impassioned appeal to theSenate.
"What do you think of him?" whispered Senator K----, of New Jersey, tothe impassive Senator K----, of Pennsylvania.
"Oh, he can't help it," answered K----. "It's a birth mark."
"A--what?"
"A birth mark," repeated K----. "His mother was scared by a windmill."
THE THREE ASSES
In his "Scotch Reminiscences" Dean Ramsay relates that a certain rulingelder, by the name of David, was well known in the district as a veryshrewd and ready-witted man. He received visits from many people wholiked a banter or were fond of a good joke. One day three youngtheological students called on the old man, intending to sharpen theirwits upon him and have some fun at his expense.
Said the first, "Well, Father Abraham, how are you to-day?"
"You are wrong," said the second. "This is not Father Abraham. This isFather Isaac."
"Tut," said the third, "you are both wrong. This is only Father Jacob,the originator of the twelve tribes of Israel."
The old man looked at the young chaps a moment and then said: "I amneither old Father Abraham, nor old Father Isaac, nor old Father Jacob;but I am Saul, the son of Kish, seeking his father's asses, and lo! Ihave found three of them!"
IN THE CLASS-ROOM
Said the professor to a student, "What is the effect of heat, and whatthe effect of cold?" "Heat expands, sir, and cold contracts."
"Correct. Give some illustrations." "Well," said the boy, "in thesummer, when it is hot, the days are long; and in the winter, when itis cold, the days are short."
"How many sides has a circle?" "Two--the inside and the outside."
"Does an effect ever go before a cause?" "Yes, sir."
"Give an illustration." "When a man pushes a wheelbarrow----"
"That will do, sir. Next--Mr. Johnson."
* * * * *
A man who was very cross-eyed happened to put his hand into anotherman's pocket, and took out his watch. He told the judge that he "onlywanted to know the time." And the judge said it was "Three years."
OLD MAN SNUCKLES
One night after saying her prayers before going to bed, a nine-year-oldgirl astonished her mother by innocently asking:
"Mother, who is Old Man Snuckles?"
"Why, my child, I never heard of a man by that name."
"Oh, yes, mother," said the child, "there must be some such man, for Ipray for him every night."
"Pray for Old Man Snuckles, my child? Why, what do you mean?"
"Why, yes, mother. You know I pray for God to bless father and mother,brother and sister and 'Old Man Snuckles.' Who is he?"
Her mother saw by and by that it meant "All my aunts and uncles!"
IN SEARCH OF A RESTAURANT
Many interesting and amusing stories have been told of the late JudgeJeremiah Black, an eminent jurist and a very prominent member ofPresident Buchanan's Cabinet. On one occasion the judge and a legalfriend were coming out of the Capitol at Harrisburg, Pa. The judge wasbusy discussing a certain case at law in which he was interested, andhis friend was very hungry. "Say, judge," said he, "let's get somethingto eat. I'm awful hungry." "Well," said the judge, "come on. Right downthis street is a good place. I know it well." And they walked on arm inarm, the judge laying down the law as they proceeded. To the amazementof the judge they pulled up in front of an engine house!
"Oh, no," said the judge, laughing, "I've made a mistake. This isn't theplace. Oh--I see. It's right up this street around the
corner." Aroundthe corner they went, walked three blocks and halted in front of achurch!
Again the judge looked foolish and said: "Oh, no. This isn't the placeeither. Let me see. Oh--now I have it. The place I was thinking of isin--Baltimore!"
His companion groaned and made a break for the nearest hotel.
LITERATURE MADE EASY
A man wrote to the editor of a small weekly newspaper asking a verysimple question: "How can I get an article into your esteemed paper?"and the cruel editor wrote in reply: "It all depends on the kind ofarticle you want to get into our paper. If it is small in bulk, like ahair-brush or a tea-caddy, for instance, spread the paper out on thefloor nice and smooth, place the article exactly in the center, neatlyfold the edges over it, and tie with a string. This will keep thearticle from slipping out. If, on the other hand, the article is anEnglish bath-tub or a clothes-horse, you will find one of the New YorkSunday papers better suited to your purpose."
SURE CURE FOR SNORING
I was visiting my friend Nicholas von Spoopendyke over in New York. Hehas a splendid mansion away uptown, very handsomely furnished. One dayhe took me all over the house. His bedroom was beautiful indeed, allfurnished with rich old mahogany polished like a looking-glass. I wasadmiring the bed. It was a very old "Napoleon," most finely veneered andcarved, and the bed was faultlessly made up, with a spotless whitecounterpane, level as a board and not a wrinkle in sight. Beautiful!
The Funny Bone: Short Stories and Amusing Anecdotes for a Dull Hour Page 4