First thing I thought about was breakin’ out. Yeah, I know it’s pretty obvious that’s what I’d be thinkin’ about: when you’re on the inside, alls you can think about is gettin’ out. So, lying there on the table like I was still strung up, even though I wasn’t—Nerdlet liked to keep up appearances until it was time to bail—I got ta lookin’ up at the window above my head.
I’d peg the window early Spanish Inquisition mixed with a dash o’ modern Cook County Lockup. You could barely make out the dark sky past it and the glow musta been the lumenospecificity comin’ from Dis. Still, out there wasn’t in here, which automatically made it a little better… if youse was out there instead of in here, that is.
After a while, I noticed something. I couldn’t tell what it was at first but I knew my eyes weren’t comin’ down with a case of tricksiness after I saw this thing for the third time. It was flyin’ by the window on a regularish basis. Didn’t have a watch or my phone—and fuck me, I really, really missed Instagram—but whatever I saw swept by every few minutes. I think it was the… fifth or maybe the sixth time that it swung by, when it made a sound. Then I knew what I was seein’ outside… Furies.
Sure, they probably had their own reasons for comin’ by on the regular but I didn’t give a shit about that. Nah, all I saw was my ticket outta here.
Normally, I’d never had a chance to get to third base with that window, never mind makin’ proper introductionations. You’d have to be at least Tido’s size to even reach it. But that torture table was good for one thing: givin’ me a boost in the height department. And that Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition routine they put me through seemed to have flattenated me enough that I could squeeze between the bars. Which left me with one last, teensy-weensy-eensy problem: timin’. I had to time this whole thing right. I had to get through the window just in time for my feathered, fugly, anti-friend to swing by. And just for giggles, I also had to time my dive when nobody was watchin’. Least of all them spaghetti-faced shits.
So I started timin’ the flybys. After four of ‘em, I figured I’d gotten the patternavigation down. At the halfway mark on my latest count, I got up on my feet, turned to the window, and squeezed my new skinny-ass body through the bars before takin’ a flying leap. Somehow I tripped over my shoelaces so my leap became more like a hiccup. Throwin’ my arms out, my fingers grabbed onto something really rough which hurt like a son bitch but I figured it was better than endin’ up squashed on the ground outside.
I dunno how it happened but my flabby ass was left hangin’ on the edge of the window by the dick end of my fingernails. That’s when it’s like what they say—you’re whole life passes right in front of your eyes. Whiles I was hanging on that ledge, I thought about how my biggest regret was my sausage fears—meanin’ I never really got down to tellin’ the Yeti how close we truly was. ‘’Cause I was afraid o’ showin’ any o’ my emotions… guess it was due to my toxic masculinity. Then I considered the platonic jealousy I harbored towards Nips about Tido an’ I resolutionized myself that if ever I got outta this shitheap, I’d stop bein’ a jealous prick in general. My next thought was about that nasty stuff that drips out of the ketchup bottle before the thick stuff flows (ketchup drool), and then I thought about how I would never get to have intimate time with my “todger” (like the Yeti called it) ever again. At that thought, sadness overcame good ol’ Bill ‘cause all this was too much to handle and I started to ugly cry.
Until I heard the voice. I don’t know who the voice belonged to. But it was like “No, you ain’t goin’ down like this, angel Bill. You got too much left in your life still to do. I mean, you ain’t never tried earlingus, for chrissakes!” Then I remembered I couldn’t die anyway but I figured I’d go with whatever the hell that voice was tellin’ me. Sometimes alls we need is a pep talk, right? Anyway, that damn voice did something to me. My tears dried up and I like channeled the ghost of King Kong when he was hangin’ off that building an’ swatting at them helicopters. In no time flat, I was yankin’ myself up to the window and scalin’ that rock wall like I was Spiderman himself only better. Like I was Super Spiderman. Maybe ten seconds went by before Mrs. Big Bird swung past me.
I could hear the feathered bitch glidin’ close. So I dove again, aimin’ right for her! An’ as I was droppin’ through the air like a motherfuckin’ cannonball, I reached out and grabbed the first thing I touched. It turned out ta be Birdzilla’s neck.
Boy, was she pissed! She rose-bombed up to get me off her, like we weren’t already a lot higher than I wanted to be without any magic mushrooms bein’ involved. She gave me some new slices and cuts like she was tryin’ ta outdo the injuries Queen Slut had adorned me in. But the screams had to be the worst. An air raid siren blastin’ full or a boombox compressed into a hearin’ aid couldn’t have been any louder.
True dat—I was wayyy stronger than before Lils brought me food but I’ll never be no Tido. We all got our pros and our cons, right? Well, in no time, Bitch Bird hurled me back down onto the castle tower’s top deck before the ugly thing landed on top of me like a steel stamp presser. It felt like she brokenuked every bone in my body. I figured I was about ta be rewarded with an all-expense-paid round trip back to my cell after that… if I was lucky.
That’s when the feather boa constrictor did something that totally threw me. Here she is, screamin’ in my face like I didn’t take out the trash and she’s fuckin’ mad about it. Then she starts sniffin’ me up and down, probably checkin’ if I was fit to eat. All of a sudden, the ugly bird stopped sniffin’ me and its eyes got wide, like I just squeezed out the world’s biggest fart. But I didn’t have enough down there to even toot, so I knew that wasn’t it. And yeah, I smelled like month-old garbage, but she musta been sniffin’ that on me the whole time I was ridin’ her an’ she wasn’t actin’ all put out or nothin’. Next thing I know, she let outs one last eardrum-shredderatin’ blast in my face before she flies off.
“What… the actual… fuck?” I groaned when I got back on my feet. That was when I realized I was free. But not wantin’ to leave my comrades, I decided I’d go find them.
###
Guess somebody figured out the escape gag I pulled while I was gallavartin’ up in the air. ‘Cause the second I got back inside, I was playin’ hide-and-go-suck-it-up through the hallways with Alaire-the-dickhead’s whole minion brigade. Sure, this place was protectorated but these asswipes didn’t do that much trollin’ unless they was given a reason. Most of ‘em were Watchers, and couldn’t have found their own asses if you gave them a detailated map and instruction manual. There was also this aggravatin’ ogre fuck. He was making the rounds and I’m pretty sure woulda been stumped over what one plus one adderated up to. But he wasn’t causin’ me ta shake in my pants. No, the scariest bastards were the invisibles. I could only listen for those see-through saps, which wasn’t that easy especially after the audi-bludgeonin’ my ears had to endure from that bird.
Good news was that none of them got wise to my location, although I wondered how much longer I could keep it up. Then suddenly, my Lord of the Flies pursuit just… stopped. It took me a couple of minutes to realize nobody was after me no more. I had no clue what coulda changed. Then I heard the sound of a spendy car rollin’ up to the front of this scaley pile of rocks. I glanced down and saw Alaire’s assholes linin’ up like they was about ta receive a rose like on some reality TV show. They assembled into a couple of rows that spanned the distance from the castle all the way to the spiffy wheels an’ I watched as the passenger door popped open.
Imagine my surprise ta see Tido stridin’ up to the vehicle! He looked a lot better than a guy who was locked up with me shoulda looked. But the way he was walkin’? I’ve seen a lot of defeated men in my time and he looked lower than a snake’s belly.
Alaire and Nips was walkin’ right behind him and Ogre Boy was leadin’ ‘em, carryin’ a sword that once belonged to Conan. I watched the Not-So-Jolly-Green-Giant put the sword in the backseat all nice and pol
ite. But I couldn’t take my eyes off Lils. I could feel the sads comin’ off her, just seein’ how she dipped her head right before the car door closed. Didn’t need to see Alaire’s face to know his expression. But goddamn it if the thought of that snarky smirk didn’t make me want to do something drastrophic about it!
Still, I couldn’t argue with the prick’s thinkin’ when it came to Conan. Why waste all that monster-manpower on a little guy like me when you really had to keep an eye on the big, brawny Scot who’d cut you in half for lookin’ at Nerdlet the wrong way? Right then and there, as that car pulled out to its unknown destination—which, knowin’ Alaire, couldn’t have been pleasant—I decided that I had to make the bastard pay. Through the nose, out the ass and any other way I could fuck ‘im over.
That’s when it kind of hit me: Maybe I should haul my emaciated ass to wherever Alaire was hangin’ his hat in this dump. Maybe I could find something there that’d help me get Lils out of this shithole! At the very least, I could ruin his day and make him take me serious.
###
Turns out that I was only one floor up from where I assumed was the master of the castle’s digs. I kept listenin’ for any sounds of him but the coast stayed clear of trouble. Anybody else, I coulda seen or heard comin’ from a couple miles away.
I tried a few doors, but they were locked. After the eighth one, I started getting pissed. I was on a mission of vengeanger here… Couldn’t one of these damn doors function proper so I could get my whole rescue mission started already? I made up my mind right there to bust down the next door that acted like a stubborn fuck but luckily for the next one, it opened.
One quick glance around the place and I knew it musta belonged to the Queen Bitch. The open closet doors revealed a full Pornhub line of outfits. An in-vanity table was decked out with a big mirror, lights and cosmetics out the wazoo, and the four-poster bed was across from it. That bed looked invitin’ enough to sleep in for the next month but I had me a bad feelin’ that sleep was the last thing to happen there. Barf right?
It wasn’t until I heard the footsteps behind me that I snapped out of my rever-see. Here I’d been standin’ in the doorway like the world’s biggest asshole when another asshole could have easily spotted me. I ducked inside, shut the door a little too hard and looked around for a place to hide. Not too many choices. Under the bed was the classic one, but the sheets were stripped off and I doubted I’d fit anyway. So I bolted for the closet, pullin’ the door closed a bit more to cover myself up. Good thing I was so rap-quick ‘cause right after I hid was when the main door opened. Kid you the fuck not.
I did my best to stifle my breathin’. At first, the steps sounded normal, like someone out for a stroll or lookin’ to retrieve their misplaced butt-plug. That was until they stopped next to the closet and I swore I could hear someone sniffin’ the air. Ah, shitballs, not again…
The door suddenly flew open and I leapt into the rear of the closet, slammin’ my back hard and puttin’ up my dukes and gettin’ ready to get down to it. I dropped ‘em when I saw who it was.
“Nips?”
Like she usually did when she couldn’t believe what she was seein’, Lily just stood there with her jaw fallin’ down to her Grade A boobies. Eventually, she managed to remember how her tongue worked.
“Bill?”
I only thought the Fury was fast. That birdbrain had nothin’ on Nerdlet when she yanked my ass out o’ the closet an’ hugged me like I was the world’s filthiest but best loved teddy bear.
“Oh, God, I’m so glad you’re safe,” she sobbed into my shoulder, squeezin’ me as tightly as she could.
“Well, safe ain’t exactly what I’d call it,” I said, huggin’ her around her neck.
She cleared her throat and said, “Tallis, he—”
“Yeah, I saw ‘im from the window,” I told her. “Looked awful healthy for a guy who’s been on the same starve-a-nation diet I was on for the last who-the-hell-knows?”
Nips’ face looked like it would fall apart all over again. “I… I made a deal with Alaire to save him.”
“You did what?” I hissed in reply, not believin’ my ears.
“It was either do that or else Tallis would die in his cell,” Lils shot back. “He lost his immortality. And we both know how much Alaire would have enjoyed letting him die slowly. Of course there was no way I was going to let that happen.”
She was snarlin’ at me so I took a peek at her aura. When I saw the weirdo strainstrings of black in it, I got scared for her. “I thought you said Persephabitch received her evict-shit notice? ’Cause yo, something funny is goin’ on with your aura, Nips.”
Then she told me how she had Donald (or whatever the f that spirit’s name is) in her and how he got rid of Persephone per Alaire’s orders before Lils made a deal to spare the Yeti’s life. But only if she stayed with Alaire in this hellhole.
“So Conan’s on his way back to the Dark Wood right now?” I asked.
She nodded. “He was healed and Alaire promised to return him,” she said between sobs. “And now I have to stay with Alaire forever.”
“Oh, this just keeps gettin’ better,” I grumbled, wonderin’ if Nerdlet was anglin’ for a second death. “Seriously, Nips, we both know Alaire won’t hold true to his word.” Her eyes widened. “Tell me you didn’t believe him?”
She swallowed hard. “I didn’t believe him but I had no other choice. Tallis needed to be healed, Bill.”
“Shitballs, Lils, this situation’s bad,” I said, shakin’ my head. “Alaire’s prolly shippin’ Conan somewhere worse than this hellhole.”
A horrible shriek I hope I never hear again came from the window. One look at the Fury sittin’ in it and I darted back towards the closet.
“Bill, it’s okay, it’s okay!” Lils said, catchin’ me by the wrist. “The Furies work for me now.”
That morsel made me stop tryin’ to wiggle free. “Really? Since when?” I had to wonder what the hell else was different in this parallel universe from the one I thought I was living in. I mean, Lils was friends with the Furies? WTF right?
A little sneer appeared on her tear-stained face. “Since I kicked the ass of the first one.” I thought I saw a bit of black flickerate across her eyeballs when she said that. If Donnie Boy was doin’ for her what he used to do for Tido, I’d better never piss her off while he was in the hood.
Mrs. Big Bird hopped inside, tossin’ somethin’ to Nips that she caught like a pro. Both of us recognized it straightaway. “Your old, beat-up phone,” she sighed.
I looked at it, then at the feathered bitch. “You got that off my scent, didn’t you?”
The shriek I got in reply made my ears ache. While they were still ringin’, Nips asked, “How would the Fury have gotten your scent?”
“We go way back,” I answered as I eyed my phone. “Hey, does it still work?” I asked, thinkin’ we were long overdue for some good news.
Lils thumbed the power switch and I saw the cracked screen light up. She started to smile but then she frowned. “It’s got a little juice but no bars. You’ll need to go somewhere that you can make a call.”
I took her free hand and squeezed it. “No, Nerdlet… we’re gonna go somewhere we can make a call.”
I knew she would argue with me the second I saw her eyes. “If I go missing right now, Alaire’s going to lock down the entire Underground City. You’re on your own, Bill.”
“An’ who are you proposin’ I call? Mistress Jenny at the Toy Store’s the only other helpful person down here. And she’s dude only knows how far away from us. Plus, I didn’t exactly get her number.”
She started looking at the door and seemed twice as nervous as before. “So call AE and ask them to send some help down here.”
Right at that moment, another set of footsteps came rollin’ up from outside. Before I could do anything, Nips slapped the phone in my hand and pushed me toward the bird still perched by the window.
“Get him out of here!” she o
rdered Mrs. Big Bird. The Fury squawked once and did a full one-eighty that made my head do a full three-sixty. Before I could say or do anything else, the bird grabbed my shoulders with her talons and up, up and away we went. The window we were previously standin’ in started shrinkeratin’ as fast as my stomach dropped.
“I’m coming back for you, Lils!” I yelled out. “Whatever it takes!”
Don’t know if she heard me. Then it crossed my mind that the wrong guys coulda heard me. But dammit, I was too pissed not to yell at that castle that was now only pebble-sized. Yeah, Nips told me the plan was for all of us to get out, not just me and Tido. And I’d be damned—eh, kind of already was—if I were gonna let Lils get stuck playin’ with Alaire’s ballsack for eternity.
Birdbrain was movin’ at a pretty good clip, and I noticed some lights down below but I only had peepers for the castle.
“Turn around!” I yelled at her. She gave me the kinda stare I usually get from women I don’t call back in the mornin’. Then she just went back to watchin’ where she was flyin’, me still dangling in her claws. Since she wasn’t goin’ where I wanted to, I thwacked her in the chest. “I said, turn around, ya dumb bird!”
I got me a really evil look from her that made me think she was sizin’ me up for dinner. This time, she went back ta what she was doin’ but a lot slower. So I went off on her. “Y’know, the fugliest one o’ Jenny’s girls is wayyy cuter than you! Probably smarter too! And more obedient!”
The shriek hit my ears just a second before I started to take that long-delayed drop to the ground. That’s when I started screamin’ before I remembered my phone which was in my hand. I did the math about what would happen to said phone on impact with the ground and then scrunched down, puttin’ my body between my last lifeline and the ground. I couldn’t die but my phone sure as hell could.
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