My stomach dropped all the way to my shoes every time I imagined the kind of place Tallis could be in right now. I tried not to think about it too much, since my worrying couldn’t help him anyway. There was no point in worrying about the forces I couldn’t control. And, besides, Tallis was an enduring survivor. With or without Donnchadh, he was born a fighter. And he still possessed his Druid magic. So he would be fine… right?
I sorta followed that same line of thought with Bill. Sure, I commanded the Fury to get him the hell out of here. But who knew if the place she took him was any safer than here? Still, Bill did have one advantage over Tallis: he was immortal. And unlike me and the singular Master of the Underground City, Bill’s immortality didn’t depend on a warrior spirit apprehending his soul. Now all I had to worry about was Bill’s well-documented history of screwing everything up.
I finally stopped pacing and stood in the middle of the room. In order to think more clearly, I first had to admit something to myself. As much as I feared for my love and my guardian angel, I was arguably in worse shape than either one of them. After all, I was the only one of our trio who was still trapped in Alaire’s clutches. And I had no idea how to escape my fate.
I walked over to the window and tapped my fingernails on the sill. The view outside was the usual dark, depressing desolation but I preferred it to the brothel Persephone referred to as “her chambers.” Before I lost myself in the darkness outside, I started reviewing my current advantages.
Primarily, I now could rely on the loyalty of the Furies, which was something I desperately hoped remained unknown to Alaire. Their loyalty was proven when the Furies brought me Bill’s phone. I assumed the Fury must have picked up my scent on the cell phone and guessed that I wanted it back.
I shook my head. Okay, Lily, focus on what you’re going to do now! First, you need to stop thinking about Bill, Tallis or anyone else who is not in your immediate vicinity.
The spike of anger that suddenly surged from Donnchadh seemed to emphasize that line of thought, although I could only wonder if it were an endorsement. Still, the warrior spirit made his presence known, which prompted something else in my memory, something that might really avail me and let me tip the scales of war in my favor: my sword!
There was no question in my mind that Alaire must have hidden it away somewhere close. The foppish master of this castle and the Underground City was terribly vain and what better way to show off his accomplishments than with trophies from all of his former conquests? That did leave one small problem: I had no clue where to begin looking for this alleged collection. Not to mention how I was being scrutinized like a hawk by every servant in Alaire’s staff. The second I stepped outside this room, I could expect an entourage to surround me.
As much as I loathed my current location, I could only stare at the black, depressing hellscape outside my window for so long. I turned away and walked across the room, catching a glimpse of my reflection in the vanity mirror. I was getting beyond tired of Persephone’s wardrobe.
I had to dig pretty deep inside the armoire to find a garment that didn’t seem to belong to a Penthouse spread. I finally came up with a simple green tunic that covered my chest modestly—never mind how my nipples pebbled through the fabric while exposing my legs all the way up to my thighs.
Looking at the lovely body in that tunic caused me to remember the dream I had when Alaire healed me. Seeing myself inside my old body not only shocked me but I didn’t like it at all. In a blink, I went from feeling upset to being ashamed. Was there any actual good this beautiful body had done for me since I’d acquired it? Sure, I was taller and prettier than ever but neither of those could help me do the job I’d volunteered for. It was like buying a luxury car just to haul trees with.
Other glum thoughts started creeping into my brain. If I’d stayed with the first body I had in my life, would Alaire have been so hot to possess me? Would Tallis ever have noticed me? Would he have fallen in love with me? The crush of despair at that last thought overcame me. As painful as our relationship was, the thought of living in a world where Tallis didn’t love me was just unthinkable… no, it was unbearable.
Now that I thought about it, maybe it was because I did look so good that Tallis hadn’t taken me seriously at first. Wasn’t that the same problem I’d suffered in my life previously? No one ever saw Lily Harper as the superheroine she actually was. I was so much more than just my outward shell suggested. Really, the only people who ever saw me for myself were Bill and my blade. But because Tallis had forged my blade didn’t it follow that he would have recognized me for the warrior I truly was?
I started pacing again but this time my steps were much lighter as I thought about my sword. Maybe the mind of the sword was actually my own mind. What if my sword were a fully-fledged extension of my own soul and a source that I could access? I recalled when it popped up in the Fergus Castle setting of my dreamscape. Everything seemed to suggest it could act as a guide to me. As a matter of fact, it sounded like the perfect place to—
A polite set of three raps on the door totally derailed my train of thought. I caught my breath and snapped at whoever knocked, “What?!”
When the door swung open, there was no one on the other side. But I knew better than to trust my lying eyes. The sound of footsteps approaching told me it was one of Alaire’s invisible servants. I must admit, after weeks of Alaire popping in and out of my room whenever he felt horny or wanted to play games, it was nice to encounter somebody with better manners.
“The Master will be returning this evening,” the servant whispered. His voice was so faint, I could barely make out the words.
“And?” I asked, assuming there must have been more to this visit than just a status report.
“And he has requested your presence at dinner,” the servant continued.
Okay, that was new. Before, Alaire just expected me to show up at the dinner table, whether I wanted to be there or not. Now he was making it sound like I had a choice? Hmm, that was interesting.
“Thank you,” I said, more for the good manners of knocking than for the actual invitation. “Tell him I accept and I’ll join him then.”
“Very good.”
His mission accomplished, the footsteps walked out of my room. The door shut itself behind them.
My mind went back to my sword as I began to polish the rough contours of a plan that was slowly taking shape in my head. I had to see if I could locate my sword through the dream version of Fergus Castle. That was step one. Step two would be to devise an excuse to go after it, wherever it was.
It was my only plan so I had to go with it. I walked over to the bed and lay down on it and closed my eyes. Gathering every scrap of knowledge I ever recalled about lucid dreaming, I took a deep breath through my nose and exhaled slowly through my mouth. The basics I remembered were simple enough: breathe in through the nose, breathe out through the mouth, lie as still as possible, and focus on the place where you wanted to go. My heart was racing, which made it hard to do the last two steps but I stuck with it.
Eventually, I heard and felt my heartbeat slowing down. My breathing was also more relaxed and smooth, creating its own rhythm. The awful room around me began to matter less and less as I faded out of consciousness.
###
The area around Fergus Castle looked the same as it always did, heavenly. The grass was a brilliant green, the sky an azure blue and the loch below looked like a mirror reflecting the clear sky above. The sun was sinking lower as if it were the late afternoon but there was plenty of daylight left. The gentle breeze wafting over me made me shiver as I glanced down. The clothes I’d been wearing when I was awake were gone, and I was naked once again.
I looked around for anyone else and my heart sank when I realized I was truly alone this time. Didn’t matter. I wasn’t here for a social visit but strictly to locate my sword. And that was what I fully intended to do.
I closed my eyes and called out to my blade, imagining the weight o
f it in both hands, as well as the sensation of the cold steel.
When I opened my eyes again, a glint of metal way off in the distance drew my attention immediately. The unmistakable shape of my sword’s hilt was winking at me, using the golden sunlight from above. Overwhelmed with joy, I ran towards it as quickly as my legs could carry me.
Vines suddenly reached out and wrapped around the blade as the slightly disturbed earth indicated I was standing in the same spot where Tallis and I buried Persephone. It was a little peculiar that I hadn’t seen my sword the last time I was here. Maybe whatever I needed to deal with at Fergus only appeared when it was necessary for me to see it? I shook my head. It didn’t seem important enough that I should try to figure it out right now. No, I simply needed to locate my weapon.
I grabbed the hilt and pulled but only managed to move it maybe a couple of inches before something stopped me. I tried pulling on the handle again but couldn’t make anymore headway than the last time. What was going on? Didn’t my sword want its freedom? Or was someone or something holding it in the ground?
I knelt down to take a closer look. The vision I saw reflected in the blade sent me scrambling backwards.
It couldn’t be!
But it was. The closer I got, the more I discerned the unmistakable shape of my former body looking back at me. That plain image made me glance down to see if I’d actually reverted back to my old shape. But no, I still occupied the same AE-issued body of feminine perfection.
The blade began to hum and vibrate. A blue light hit me in the face before my old memories washed over me…
I saw my date at the senior prom saying that it was better if we were just friends while he tried not to make goo-goo eyes at Crissy Martin, the cheerleader who’d been after him since we started dating…
I was sitting in Streethorn’s office, panicking over the threat of one hundred years in Shade…
I was listening to my mother’s nth lecture about how badly I needed to be proactive on the dating scene because she wanted to have grandchildren before she died…
I was attending my first training session with Tallis, and barely able to swing my new blade, never mind defend myself with it…
I was eating dinner with Alaire as he showed off his gallery of paintings and insinuated things I preferred not to think about…
I winced at the rush of chickens smacking into my windshield…
I felt my fingers on Persephone’s crown at the caretaker’s quarters…
“Stop!” I screamed.
It was way too much, all of it. Every buried feeling that was attached to those memories boiled up inside me and threatened to emerge all over again. I hugged my chest and started rocking back and forth, while my breathing grew shallow and ragged.
But the sword didn’t stop there. It reran those memories like a YouTube video stuck on replay. But what was the point of it? Why rub my face in all of that misery?
Then it hit me.
While I was alive, I distracted myself with medieval group activities, too many self-help books and working at my job. When I was sent to the other side, I did the same thing, serving the demands of a Soul Retriever. Both times, I kept telling myself that all I had to do was complete something I really hated before I could finally be happy with the person I was.
All that made me closer examine the body I’d chosen to occupy. When all was said and done, it was only the last empty promise of happiness the old Lily Harper ever accepted. I looked up at my old body in the sword without a sense of horror or fear. There was actually no real difference between them. Persephone had proven that any physical “perfection” was utterly meaningless. Good looks were not a true reflection of a person’s inner self. They didn’t matter a damn.
I retained a certain distance while looking at both my old and new bodies when all of that suddenly sank in. Whether I was the living Lily who died in the most ridiculous car accident in human history or the freshly dead one who let her terror con her into taking the worst deal the afterlife had to offer, I was neither of those people anymore. So who or what exactly was I now?
Another bright light in the distance made me look over the sword hilt. There stood Tallis, his head silhouetted by the low sun and shining like a halo. It was the ideal Tallis smiling at me, the unspoiled Tallis, untouched by his time in the Dark Wood, or with Alaire or any of the thousands of other tortures he took upon himself. My heart ached for him and I wanted to stand up and run into his arms, never to let him go again. But I only managed to rise two inches before he held up his hand and shook his head. Using his raised hand, he pointed at the sword.
I looked down at the blade’s reflection again. This time, someone else stared back at me. I’d never seen her face before but I felt like I’d known her all my life. Not as plain as I was during my time on Earth but neither was she as jaw-dropping gorgeous as I was now. She was in that perfect sweet spot between them, pretty enough to draw your attention but plain enough to allow you to connect with her. Even as I stared at her, I couldn’t really nail down any other details about her features. I couldn’t even decide on her hair and eye color. But one thing I knew for sure: she was me… the real me.
I read a lot of Jung, and one special word summed her up: Self.
I glanced up at Tallis again, only to see he was gone. My heart crashed a little at that. I guess in this place you really did only see the things you needed to.
As if to underscore that point, the sword changed its humming. The vines clinging to it started to wilt and fall away. The dirt became a darker color. On a hunch, I grabbed the hilt again and pulled the sword out effortlessly as I stood up. This time, the sword slipped free before a blinding blue light blotted everything else out…
###
I woke up gasping, and rose straight up in my bed. I heard a faint hissing in my ears that made me look around. What was making that noise? It stopped and then started up again, the sound going on and off like a skipping CD. After a while, I realized it was actually a voice. It was shushing me and urging me to calm down. That revelation made me relax and I lay my head back down on the pillow.
Something felt different inside me. Donnchadh was still bubbling up in my subconscious, but someone else had awoken inside there with him. I closed my eyes to see the Self’s face appearing behind my eyelids. It startled me so much I had to open them again. I took a calming breath and closed my eyes again.
“Can you hear me?” I whispered out loud.
I didn’t hear any words in return but the feeling I got suggested that the Self—and by extension, my blade—had heard the answer.
I probably could have only thought my next question but saying it out loud helped me steady my still-frayed nerves. “Can you tell me where you are?”
Instantly, another image flashed in front of my face. The trophy room that I suspected was there all along. Everything was displayed from fine jewels to worthless crap, filling the shelves and racks. The stone on the walls indicated it was somewhere in the castle. My vision zeroed in on one rack in particular. Hanging on the lowest peg, I saw my blade, as if it were waiting patiently for me to snatch it up.
I frowned. Sure, the image was helpful but it didn’t say much about the actual location of the room. “Where is it? Where am I supposed to go?”
My inner eye remained fixed on the sword in the trophy room, despite my efforts to look elsewhere. I took a second deep breath and decided to rephrase my question while using my thoughts to communicate. What I mean is… I’m here. How far away from you am I?
Suddenly, the image shifted and I saw my vision moving out through a wall. Before I started moving rapidly through the castle corridors, I caught a glimpse of the room I’d been pulled into. Even though I only saw it for a second, the furniture was impossible to miss. The table and chairs were familiar to me. The vision finally stopped its impromptu tour through the castle. It looked down at me in the bed, only it wasn’t me lying there. The Self, clad in the same tunic I’d been wearing the whole tim
e, rose up from the bed and said her first actual words, “Find me.”
Those words echoed in my head and my eyes snapped open. While I still didn’t know how to get into that room, I at least had a rough idea of its general location. Now I had to devise a way to convince Alaire to take me there. And I would make my first attempt to do that during dinner.
I glanced down at my tunic, which was comfortable and comparably modest when it came to fashion choices. But I needed something a little more practical for my next step. I got back onto my feet, throwing the tunic onto the bed. I opened the armoire to see if Persephone had anything to wear that could provide me with some reasonable discretion.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Bill
Somehow—and I can’t tell ya how, seeing as angels are pretty easy to spot in Dis—I managed to avoid detectionoise for the entire ride over. But it’s like gettin’ lucky at a card table… sooner or later, the house will take ya for everything ya got. Right now, I just wanted to hang on until I got to Lucky Block Three where the girls said the shop was. ‘Course, one complicaution with that plan was me not knowin’ what the fuck I would do about disembarkuatin’ without bein’ observated.
My left hand suddenly lost its grip and my right hand didn’t have enough strength to keep doin’ the job all by itself. So, yeah, I flew out into the street, and barely missed collidin’ with some fugly-ass-dude drivin’ what looked like a motorized dirt bike. I had a meat-and bones-grindin’ halt right there on the sidewalk. I prolly looked like something Tido woulda served up to me and Nips for dinner.
I groaned a little and shook my head. Fuck the pain! Stayin’ on this street was a guaranteed way to lose the game. Cheery thoughts like that got me back on my feet tutti-fruiti sweet. While I was tryin’ to convince myself this wasn’t as bad as the bomb-droppin’ treatment Furiosa gave me, three of Alaire’s Watchers rounded the corner up ahead o’ me. They all stopped cold the second they spotted my poor ass.
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