“Jesus!” Pol thundered as he shook his head and tried to hold his breath. But even though he looked offended, I still had post-fartum depression ‘cause that was like the mambo of all farts, laced with loads of fear so you just know how freakin’ bad the stench was.
“I was wondering when you would decide to come out of your hole, little rat,” he grumbled at me. “Every tiny movement you’ve made since your crash landing has been known to me.”
“Oh, I’m a little rat?” I spat back at him. “At least, I’m not some big, ugly, blind—”
That’s when his other hand clamped down on my mouth like a vise. “My ears are still ringing from the general’s gunshot,” he said. “I do not need your pathetic squeaking to make it worse.”
Looks like he forgot that rats got sharp teeth, I thought as I gnawbled on the hand over my mouth. It was like chewin’ through a diamond, and I had ta stop before I broke one o’ my teeth. One perk AE failed to cover was dental insurance. Assholes!
“If you are done trying to make yourself more of a threat than you actually are, rat,” Pol growled at me as he brought me closer, “let us determine what species of vermin you truly belong to.”
That one set me off. Enough to yell a lot of things through his hand that prolly woulda gotten me killed if he coulda understood ‘em. Those wind tunnel nos-trails sniffed me up and down like a hound dog on a prime rib. Then he pulled back and said, “An angel… an incredibly filthy angel but we shall ignore that for now.”
That got me quiet. Maybe he was about to cut me loose?
After puttin’ a little distance between us, he added, “No angel comes to Dis by choice. Nor has any of your kind ever done me true harm. So… let’s make a simple deal. I remove the hand I have over your mouth, you tell me why you are here.”
Knowin’ he’d be able to feel it, I nodded under the hand. As soon as he pulled it off, I blurted out, “That car youse workin’ on, yo? It took somebody who’s important to somebody who’s important to me down to the Asylum.”
His frown didn’t look like a good sign. “Say again?”
Hell with it… maybe the name would get me killed. But this dude looked like he wouldn’t settle for anything less than the truth. “Tallis Black… that’s who was in the car and now Conan is freakin’ in the Asylum, yo! The Asylum!”
He yanked me back to him so fast, I got serious whiplash. This time, he was grindin’ me under that big, ugly nose of his. “The Tallis Black?”
“Umm, the one I know lives in the Dark Wood, dresses in a kilt, barely speaks English as a second language, and is roughly your size only I’d rather be prison gay with him than with you.” I frowned. “No offense.”
The big brute pushed me back a lot more slowly. “You missed one important detail in your description, rat angel…”
“What?”
“That Black was also the former Master of the Underground City.”
My turn to be confused. “Big Ugly says what?”
A shit-eatin’ grin popped up on the bastard’s face. “You didn’t know?”
Not every situation calls for a quip-lash. “No, and I ain’t exactly the type ta believe shit that comes from huge dudes I ain’t never met before.”
“Well, believe it because it’s the truth.” Big Pol’s face let his smile die down and got real thoughtful. “When Black ruled here, one of the first things he did was give me back my eye. I told him how grateful I was for that, even though I could work at my craft without it. I still remember his answer…” He switched over to Conan’s thick-as-haggis accent. “An’ whit wonders could ye build if’n ye had yer eye ta guide ye?”
“Yeah, that sounds like Tido, all right.” I wanted to say something snappier but my brain was still tryin’ to get over the whole ‘Tido used ta have Alaire’s job’ bombshell.
The big guy’s face got angry, makin’ me wonder if I just insulted his lord and savior. “Unfortunately for me, we were not alone when he told me this. For a man in his position, that would have been impossible. But scarcely a day goes by since Alaire took power when I do not seriously regret that he heard our entire exchange.” He tapped his blindfold. “Restoring me to my ‘natural state,’ as he called it, was one of the first things he did after assuming control.”
“Yo, that’s unexcusable bro-pravity,” I told him, really feelin’ for the guy. Sure, he was a big, ugly giant that coulda probably eaten me in like one swallow but still.
“I assume you are attempting to reach Tallis for the purpose of setting him free?” Pol asked while stickin’ me in the driver’s seat.
“Yeah,” I said. “Look, it’s complicated, yo. See, I need Conan—”
“Conan?”
“Yeah, it’s, uh, what I call Tallis. Tido too, but, yo, youse already knew that.”
“What I still do not know is your primary goal.”
The big guy was brave enough ta share his truth. Least I could do was share mine. “My girl, my like biggest BFF in the whole world is currently stuck playin’ with Alaire’s balls for like eternity. I failed my girl once, Polly-boy, an’ I ain’t gonna fail her agin.”
“What’s that have to do with Black?”
“Well, I’m gettin’ to that part, yo. Tido happens ta love this chick as much as I do an’ he wants ta save her from Alaire’s balls as much as I do too. Seein’ as how he’s like five times the man I am, I gots ta break him outta this shithole so’s we can save my bestie. Namsay?”
“Namsay?”
“Know. What. I. Am. Saying?” I finished for him.
“I believe so,” Pol answered thoughtfully. “You wish to free Tallis Black.”
“Yes.”
While we chatted away, his hands never stopped movin’. I could hear him puttin’ more of those parts back in the car. “I know you heard me tell the general where this car has been.”
“And I gotta figure you know it went to the castle out back first,” I replied. “So, twixt the both o’ us, we gotta assume that Alaire’s probably stuck Conan down in Caesar’s Ice Palace.”
“The one place in which he could never make a hasty exit,” Pol replied. I wasn’t sure, but it sounded like he was snappin’ in those parts faster. “I am uncertain what good a rat angel like you can do—”
“Could ya knock that rat stuff off, yo?!”
“But I am certain that this vehicle can get you at least within striking distance of the Asylum’s gates. I suppose that shall have to suffice.”
“Uh, not that I’m ungrateful or anything,” I said. “But won’t this little redirectation put you in Dutch with Old Blood and Guts?”
That earned me another ugly smile. “So you recognized him… and here I thought that you were as ill-informed as you were sloppy at stealth.”
“Again with the insults! I get enough of that from AE, yo!”
A couple more parts snapped inta place and Pol put the car back down. “Press the button under the screen in the console center.”
“You mean the smashed-in screen that’s gotta be Tido’s handiwork?” I asked, seein’ the button he was talkin’ about under the fist-sized crater that was obviously punched.
“The very same one… push it.”
I hadn’t even yanked my finger back when the car roared ta life. It didn’t sound like it could go too far but by God, it’d go somewhere. A female voice said, “Protocol: Round trip engaged. Ten seconds until execution.”
While the garage door was openin’ on its own, I said over the engine, “Hey, yo, ya never did answer my question.”
The big guy shrugged again. “I shall simply tell the general what I told my brothers when I first lost my eye… No-Man took it. Just do everything you can to take care of Black, little rat.”
Before I could call him out on that rat moniker again, the driver’s door sealed shut and the seatbelt strapped me in good and tight. Even though the engine still sounded like it was about ta lose every piece of it between here and the Asylum, we peeled outta the garage and got back on th
e road faster than the garbage truck could go.
Next stop, the Asylum.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Tallis
The voice in my head was not lying about the pitch-blackness awaiting me in the basement. Far as I could see, the only things down here were me and the all-consuming shadows. For just a moment, I considered conjuring up a spell of illumination if only to allow me to get my bearings. But that moment passed. All of my energy was being consumed just trying to warm myself against the bitter cold, which seemed to get worse the deeper I ventured.
Suddenly, my balance shifted and I lost my footing, stumbling forward. A hard chunk of ice prevented me from fully falling down but the dizzy spell occupied my head like a hungry shark, gobbling up all of my thoughts. Worse still, nothing could make it stop. Even though Alaire restored my health, every minute I spent in the Asylum was sapping it all away again. My Druid magic still fanned my inner flame but it began to grow dimmer with each treacherous step I took. The bone-chilling freeze was all that kept me alert.
I could scarcely remember a time when I felt so vulnerable. Without more victuals and mayhap a bit of grog, the lethal coldness would surely finish the job Alaire intended.
Rumor had it that if you delved inside the basement’s depths long enough, you would eventually encounter the three… and the One who was bound with them. Even when I ruled the Underground City, I never wanted to know if that rumor were true.
A light flickered on over my head that went out just as fast as it appeared. I barely blinked away the bright spots it left in my eyes when it flickered on again. I looked towards the ground for some relief, which took me back towards the ice block that halted my stumbling. Before things darkened again, I saw a pair of feet clad in cobbler’s shoes embedded inside the ice.
I was quite surprised but I should not have been. Of course, there had to be some irredeemable souls down here as well. Not all betrayals were equal, but certainly some deserved eternal blackness. When the light switched on again, I was quick to shield my eyes. I managed to perceive an orange sodium bulb shining from behind a wire mesh and I traced the shape of the metal hood surrounding it that glistened with a thin layer of its own frost.
When it turned off again, I realized the light was a punishment for the soul behind me. Too much of anything tends to dull the senses after a while. Only by occasionally giving him a glimpse of the light he lacked could the torture continue to be fresh and painful. Even the sots buried in the cells upstairs were luckier than these poor, but deserving bastards.
A trilling sound came from up ahead towards my right… the imp. The dim lights down that way revealed the direction of my prey. Taking a deep breath and making as little noise as I could manage, I staggered toward it as quietly as I could.
The weakness I felt in my legs and arms was more concerning. What would I do when I caught up to the wee bastard? So drained as I felt, even stomping out the life of a cockroach would have been a major achievement. Yet if I were to survive, I had no other choice before me. Without my sword, there was little chance of escaping this frozen hell, regardless of my depleted strength.
No real surprise to find the imp standing under one of the unsteady lights. Even among his own kind, the oppressive darkness down here was shunned by any who had the ability to leave. That also was probably the reason why he came here at all. If you needed a place to hide something, the basement was certainly hard to beat.
He kept looking at his hideous reflection in my blade, making faces at it and cackling to himself like a sadistic child. I stayed away from the other lights illuminating this thief, and measured my steps as carefully as a farmer calculates his seasonal crop.
The imp had neither the size nor the strength to wield my sword but he would not give it up either, not without a fight. Any foolhardy fighting man might say the little bugger was much stronger than he looked. I needed to find a weapon of some kind to end the fight before it even began.
The unsteady light reflected something on my left. It took two more flickers for me to see that it was a stalactite of pure ice, one that was just long enough to grab. The end was smaller so I could wrap my hand around it. Thankfully, the sharp point could easily pierce my quarry’s flesh. My unsteadiness threatened to take me down to the floor once more. But the sight of that glorious icicle propelled me to my feet. While I leaned against the wall and waited for the dizziness to pass, I noticed the imp was too engrossed in his own reflection to notice anything else, not even when I approached the stalactite.
Gripping the ice, I willed my inner heat to start melting it. The icy cold naturally only worsened my exhaustion but it was necessary. Cold droplets of water ran down my hand while the magic did its work. Some of the droplets froze on my wrist and arm but all that mattered was the ice coming free and popping off with a muffled snap.
The imp looked up for a second but not my way. I did not know why until I could hear what he was listening to. A deep, humming sound pealed in the corridor like a muffled war horn, making the little thief shiver in response. I could scarcely blame him, and the same chill affected me as I flattened my body against the wall. There was naught but one creature that made such a sound, the Wendigo.
Man, demon or otherwise, any warm-blooded flesh that could not defend itself from this lurker in the dark would be doomed to become its next meal. Whenever the end of its life drew near, it chose a new soul with the right mixture of hate and hunger as its latest host. The Dark Wood was once its hunting ground but its appetite precluded the safety of any other sentient beings that lived in the Underground City. This was why the master before me banished it down here for violating the basic laws of this place.
The little thief wisely wished to avoid such a beast. Both of us stayed as still as the icy prisoners that surrounded us, and I watched the imp grab my sword by its hilt as it started dragging it towards the corner we just rounded. I could tell by the scraping of the blade that he was very close to where I lay sequestered in the shadows. I crouched lower, my icy dagger poised to deliver its fatal blow.
The instant the blade dragged past me, I struck. As predicted, taking the wee bastard to the ground knocked the wind out of him. He barely grunted before I flipped him over and began stabbing his face. The light flashed on so I could see where to strike. Curse my damnable luck if my first blow did not make the little bastard cry out. I drove the sharp point down his throat to stop the commotion but I was already too late. While the light went out once more, the humming sound echoed down the corridor again, followed by a sing-song whisper. That awful sound chilled me worse than the cold around me.
“Tallllllllllissssssss…”
I wondered how the Wendigo knew my name before I had the good sense to release my ice poniard and grab my sword. I scarcely rounded the corner when the humming became far too close for comfort. While I dreaded the thought of fighting this shadow stalker, I knew I lacked the strength to outrun it. So I pulled myself under the first light I saw, holding my blade as high as I could in the Wendigo’s direction. If this skirmish went badly for me, the worst place to encounter this accursed monster was in the shadows it called home. Raising my blade still higher, I channeled more of my dwindling magic into it. The light stopped flickering and became steady but I had no notion how long that would last.
The humming was now right in front of me. A gnarled, clawed hand swung out of the darkness, barely missing my belly before I scooted out of the way.
“Taaaalllissss!” it roared again before I ducked another set of claws that would have swiftly separated my head from my shoulders.
“Aye, that be mah name, monster,” I growled, trying to aim the tip of my sword in the direction of its next attack. “How is it that ye know meh?”
From the shadows, I heard a growl that gradually turned into a laugh. Something about it sounded… familiar.
“The most delicious part…” it answered. “You came to me.”
I nearly dropped my claymore to the floor. As it were, I ha
d to work a bit harder to deflect the claws when they took their next strike. Whilst I could not see his face in the darkness, the words and laugh left no doubt as to the Wendigo’s current host…
Aulus Plautius, the very same man who once betrayed me for his empire.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Bill
“Shit. Fuck. Damn.”
I’d been sayin’ those three words in various con-fuck-grations for something like half a mile. I mean, yo, it was literally cold as my freezer on the way ta the Asylum and, as predophecied, my ride finally called it quits once I got there. I couldn’t see fuck-all except for ice, snow, more ice and frosty mist everywhere. Oh yeah, and ice. Did I mention the ice? I tried tellin’ myself my lost man-blubber woulda kept me warm but, even then, I was kiddin’ myself. Spend enough time in this Arctic shithole and it gets under everybody’s skin eventually. Lucky for me that I was an angel and couldn’t die because this Minnesota-summer coulda definitely done me in otherwise.
Tryin’ ta keep my mind on something other than how badly I wanted ta crawl into the nearest fire, I started thinkin’ about naughty words. They were the only subject that could warm my poor bones up.
No sooner did a few x-rated ones cross my mind when I saw something big poppin’ up out o’ the mist. I hustled a little closer ta be sure I wasn’t seein’ things. But nah, sure as shit it was a pair o’ gates about fifty times my size standin’ right in front o’ me. Beyond those, I caught me a glimpse o’ an architortural nightmare, somethin’ that coulda only been the Asylum. When I passed the left gate, my elbow damn near got stuck on the metal from the deep freeze. I winced a bit as I yanked it free, rippin’ a strip o’ skin off it. An’ that hurt like an SOB spankin’ another SOB! Walkin’ towards the front door, I kept thinkin’ ta myself that Tido owed me a huge favor after all this shit. Huge. In fact, a Pol-sized favor.
The inside o’ the gates led to a buildin’ an’ it weren’t difficult ta open the front door and walk my angel ass inside. Me thinkin’ maybe there’d be some heat blarin’ led only to disappointment ‘cause that carpet of permafrost was inside as much as it was outside. Seein’ all the saps frozen stiff ta their chairs while that freon mist floated everywhere, I figured nobody paid the heatin’ bill in a couple o’ millennia. Then I heard something weird. It definitely didn’t sound like it belonged in this oversized icebox either… a snake hissing?
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