by Jewel E. Ann
My mom, however, feels the social burden, the expectations, and the need to do right by me.
“I’m not living. You told me to live. I’m dying. I’ve been dying every day since the accident.” Except for Bodhi. With Bodhi, I live.
I breathe.
I dream.
I imagine.
I’m limitless with him.
But without him, I’m …
“So drop out.”
Juni’s head snaps up when Zach says those three words. I thought he was on the phone.
“Zachary.” Her head whips back.
John parks in front of the house and opens my mom’s door while Zach opens mine. I follow them into the main house, suddenly quite interested in Zach’s opinion.
“Juni, really?” Zach slides off his jacket, continuing toward the living room.
She drapes her jacket over the banister, her heels clicking on the granite floor after him. I shadow her, leaving on my hoodie.
Zach pours himself a drink and folds his tall body into a leather, claw-foot chair, holding his drink with one hand while running his other hand through his thick salt and pepper hair. “Where’s your college diploma? What degree did you get?” he asks her.
“Zachary.” She shakes her head, folding her arms over her chest.
“Because I don’t have one, and…” he shrugs, looking around the impressive room filled with the most expensive furnishings “…I think I’ve done okay for myself.”
I ease into the corner of the sofa, watching the court weigh in on my future.
Juni’s face scrunches up with so much worry. Zach reaches out to her. After a few seconds, she sets her hand in his, letting him pull her onto his lap. It makes every inch of my body ache for Bodhi’s touch.
“After the accident, we agreed we’d let her live her life … no matter what.”
Juni eases her head side to side, still wrought with guilt. “Mitch will never be okay with this.”
“Where’s his degree?” Zach levels her with a squinted look.
“He’ll see it differently. He went into the Marines and made a career out of it.”
Zach shifts his attention to me, giving me a sincere smile laced with sadness. He literally saved me during a very dark time in my life. Literally pulled me to safety. He loves me like his own daughter. “It’s your decision, darling. Not because we say so or whether your dad does or doesn’t give you his blessing. You’re nineteen. It’s legally your decision. But I guess what I’m saying is …” He lifts Juni’s hand to his mouth and kisses it. She returns a soft smile and nods as if granting permission for an unspoken request. “We support you no matter what you choose to do in life. Our love for you will never be contingent on the choices you make. You’re going to mess up. Hell, I still fuck shit up on a daily basis.”
The closest thing I can find to a smile attaches itself to my face. They can offer me freedom and unconditional love, but they can’t give me Bodhi, and right now he’s all I want. Our life is still this cage, but now I’m on the outside and he’s still stuck inside. He didn’t clip my wings. He clipped his own.
“Say the words, Henna.” Zach brings my attention back to the room, away from the cage. “Say the words and we’ll put you on a plane and send you anywhere you want to go.”
*
I CHOOSE MY little apartment over the guest house. For now.
I choose to get high.
I choose to litter my space with pages of sketches and painted canvasses.
I choose to stay in my space for weeks, thinking of Bodhi’s choices—specifically the one where he didn’t choose me.
When I’m high, I love him. When I’m not, I hate him.
By the holidays, I start to find that my new favorite high is hating him.
I’ve missed too many days now to get my diploma. I guess I dropped out without officially dropping out. There’s probably some form to fill out or some rules or guidelines to follow. I’d be epically disappointed in myself if my last act as a student involved following protocol.
A girl’s gotta maintain her reputation.
“Fiona restocked your fridge,” Juni says from the doorway to my bedroom.
I pause my paintbrush for a few seconds then nod and continue my stroke of green. “Tell her thank you.”
“Will do. Zach and I are going skiing with some friends. How about you come with us?”
“People with metal parts holding their bodies together don’t ski down mountains.”
“You know what I mean. I’ll schedule you for a massage. Mani, pedi. Lunch. What do you say? Christmas is in two days. Put away your paintbrushes and spend some time with your family.”
“Dad invited me to spend New Year’s Eve with him.”
“I know. Maybe you should come clean with him. You know … clean slate, fresh start, new resolutions.”
“He’s going to be pissed off at you for not telling him.”
Juni exhales. “I’m not afraid of your father. You asked me to not tell him, so I didn’t. The fact that you’ve let so much time pass without mentioning your dropout status to him is on you, not me. You’re an adult. It’s time he treats you like one, whether you choose to act like one or not.”
“Whoa … throwing a little shade today.” I glance over my shoulder, lifting my eyebrows.
“Grow up, young lady.” She winks to soften the blow. Juni has a way of infusing just enough humor into the truth that no one can accuse her of being mean.
I wrap my brushes in a wet towel to go rinse them. “Have fun.” I lean over and kiss her cheek while passing by on my way to the kitchen. “Thanks for the offer, but Carley is coming over in a few hours. It’s my only chance to see her before she takes off for Texas with her new boyfriend.”
Juni leans against the counter as I rinse the brushes in the sink. “Are you good?” Her face falls short of hiding all of her concern.
“I’m good.” The vibrant colors fade together into an ugly mess of brown circling the drain. I know how they feel.
“Let’s try this again.” She shuts off the water and takes the brushes from me, setting them down in the sink.
My eyes stay glued to the pooled ugly brown.
“It’s been months. You could be anywhere in the world, but you’re still here. You could walk a mile down the road and knock on his door, but you haven’t.”
“You want me to leave?” I swallow hard.
“I want you to live.”
Tears fill my eyes, and I try so hard to will them away.
“I don’t want to be selfish,” I whisper.
“What does that mean?”
“It means if I ask the…” I draw in a shaky breath “…question I’m dying to ask, the one I should know the answer to, it will sound incredibly selfish.”
She rests her hand on my arm. “Say it.”
The words come out in a sob. The words come out like a building crumbling. The words rip open my chest. “Wh-why doesn’t he want me anymore?” My arms hug my waist, and my body buckles onto itself, trembling with emotion.
“Oh, Henna.” My mom pulls me into her arms, lowering both of us to the ground.
I know, I just know in my mind that Bodhi loves me. I know he’s doing what he feels is right for his dad and his career. I know all of this—in my head. But my heart doesn’t reason like that. My heart just feels, and right now it feels the worst kind of pain.
Rejection.
Abandonment.
And lonely.
I’m so incredibly lonely without him.
“H-he was r-right there. And he j-just … walked away.” I choke on a sob.
Mom hugs me tighter, kissing the side of my head over and over. “Shh … I’m so sorry.”
I love Juni. She’s fun and cool. And she rarely judges me. But sometimes … I just need my mom.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Bodhi
“YOU LOOK LIKE shit. Ever heard of a razor?” My sister showers me with compliments before ever stepping foot into the house.
>
I move aside to let her in. “Nice to see you too, Bella.”
She tugs on my facial hair. “Scruffy.”
“Kids at school like it.”
“Pfft.” She drops her suitcase at the bottom of the stairs. “Where’s Dad?”
“Recliner. Sleeping.”
She turns, exhaling slowly like the trip from Kentucky to Colorado is the longest trip ever. “How’s he doing? What did the doctor say? Is he in pain?”
Scratching the back of my head, I chuckle. “For someone who makes the visit once, maybe twice a year, I find your concern a little dramatized.”
“Just because I have a busy life, doesn’t mean I don’t care.”
I sigh, feeling emotionally dead and raw with pain clear to my bones. “Let’s not fight. He’s doing fine. The doctors said the cancer is still slow growing, but they want to start treatment again after the holidays. Oh, and he’s still a pain in the ass, but I think that’s about it.”
Bella grins and rolls her eyes. “Sounds about right.” She rubs her arms. “Brr … you have any coffee made?”
I nod toward the kitchen.
“How’s your job?” She sits at the table while I pour her a cup of coffee and set it in front of her plate of Christmas cookies that Etta made.
“It’s good.” It’s fucking unbearable. I can’t walk in that building without thinking of Henna. I can’t breathe for the entire forty-five minutes of third period. I can’t understand why her parents let her drop out. And I can’t do a damn thing about it.
If Henna’s not a student, the school can’t fire me for being in a relationship with her. But I’m not stupid. Principal Rafferty will not like being made to look like a fool. She’ll know I lied, and she’ll find some reason to fire my ass and destroy my career before I even get a full year on my résumé.
“How’s the ranch doing?”
I shrug, taking a seat next to her. “It was a little slower this summer. The fires in the area didn’t help. At one point, I thought we were going to have to evacuate, but they got it under control.”
“Yeah, I worried about Dad when that was going on.”
Dad. She worried about Dad. No need to worry about her fuckup of a brother.
“He’s in good hands.”
She frowns.
I sip my coffee. “So … what’s new with you?”
“It was a rough fall. Castaway had a knee injury. Ted is being an ass about it. Thinks it’s my fault. Other than that. Nothing much.”
“Who’s Ted?”
“The owner’s brother. Doesn’t know shit about horses, but he sure likes to throw his weight around.”
“So is Ted next in line if Arnie dies?” Arnie is the billionaire who owns the horses she trains. He had a stroke last year, and Bella nearly had a heart attack when it happened. Arnie thinks the world of Bella. But no one else seems to agree with her style of training, which only matters if Arnie dies.
“Unfortunately, yes. And Ted just wants to cash it all in. So if you have a secret stash of money someplace, I might have a few good tips on some horses you could buy that will likely win some crowns.”
I grunt a laugh. “I’m certain you make way more money than I do. Dad told me you got ten percent of the purses last year, and he suspects you’re getting a percentage of breeding rights.”
She smirks. “That’s a lot of math for my brother who never liked math.”
“Mmm …” I give her a fake smile while rubbing my temple with my middle finger.
Her smile settles into something resembling regret. Our relationship has been ripped to shreds over the years, but it’s still raw, and every jab cuts open old wounds. I wonder if the day will ever come when we no longer need the boxing gloves.
“You seeing anyone?” Another jab, but I don’t think she means for it to be.
Twisting my lips to the side, I shake my head.
Bella traces the rim of her cup with her finger. “You … at least hooking up with anyone?”
Pushing a tiny laugh through my nose, I roll my eyes. I once let it slip to her that I occasionally find someone to hook up with using a “dating” website. It’s not like I’ve paid for sex, but some people—like Bella—seem to think it’s just as bad.
“Maybe. But at least it’s in my budget.”
“What? I’m just asking. Looking for small talk.”
“He’s too obsessed with babysitting me to have time to find a good woman.”
We look over at Dad wheeling himself into the kitchen.
“Hey, Daddy.” Bella gets up and gives him a hug. “Merry Christmas.”
“It’s Christmas Eve,” he says in his gruff, post-nap tone.
“Fine. Merry Christmas Eve.” She ambles to the stove and lifts the lid off the Crock-Pot. “Mmm … smells good, Bodhi. Beef stew?”
When Dad’s awake, we treat each other with a lot more respect—usually.
“Yes.”
“Did you invite Duke and Etta?” Dad asks.
“Of course. She’s bringing dessert.” I glance at the time. “I’m going for a ride before it gets dark.”
“You guys have a ton of snow. I bet the trails are fun.” Bella smiles.
I nod. They’re an escape.
“Be careful,” Dad says.
“I will.”
After changing into my layers of riding gear and saddling up Snare, my favorite horse named after my favorite drum, I set out on the trail, walking through a glittering fresh blanket of snow. The air is crisp on my skin, the wind a soft whisper in my ears, and the sun a beacon of hope that I will survive this fucking life of mine.
Snare snorts, pulling to the right a bit. We slow down, anticipating another rider coming in the opposite direction. He snorts again.
“Easy …” I pull back on the reins a little more.
It’s not another rider. It’s someone snowshoeing toward us, trekking at a pretty good pace. We stop and wait for them to pass in their neon blue snow gear, wraparound sunglasses, and auburn hair cascading beneath it. I wait idle in the saddle for her to pass.
Is it her? No. Not her. Maybe a dream? Shit … what’s wrong with me? She slows up upon passing us. My head follows her and hers follows mine, both of us looking back over our shoulders. Then she stops.
I don’t have to see her whole face to know it’s her. I feel her. She releases one pole, letting it dangle from her wrist as she slides her sunglasses onto her head.
My heart feels like Snare’s standing on it. Those freckles along her rosy nose and cheeks, and those blue eyes so brilliant, framed with that wild red mane—it all hits me so hard I can’t breathe. Without her, I’m not sure I want to breathe.
Her gaze drops to the ground between us. After several blinks, she slips her glasses back on and continues in the opposite direction.
“Jesus …” I whisper, climbing off Snare. “That’s it? You’re just going to walk off?” I plod my way through the snow after her. “Stop!” I grab her arm.
She whips around with her pole, ready to decapitate me. I duck then lose my balance and stumble back onto my ass. Henna straddles me with her snow shoes on either side of my body, forcing my head back into the snow by shoving the point of her pole against my throat.
“Just to be. Very. Fucking. Clear.” Her voice drips rage like acid on my soul. “You are the one who walked off.”
I can’t see her eyes behind her glasses, but I don’t miss the tear trailing down her cheek, and there’s nothing I can do about it because I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be alive as the tip of her pole digs a little more into my skin, making me work harder for oxygen.
She nods slowly several times as another tear appears on her other cheek. “I’m glad we ran into each other. I needed this closure.” Inching the tip away from my neck, she swings a leg over my head and continues on her way.
“Well, I don’t have closure!” I dig my ass out of the snow and chase after her, with nothing to offer, with no grand explanation, with nothing but a bleedin
g, aching heart and a need to feel us again.
Giving her a good ten feet radius from my throat, I run ahead of her and hold up my hands in surrender. “Please, just …”
Henna holds her pole out like a sword and takes another step forward so that the point of it marks the center of my chest.
“It’s okay,” I whisper as emotions sting my eyes. “Without you, I’m already dead.”
She clenches her teeth. “You don’t deserve me.”
“No. I don’t.”
Like a leaf slowly floating to the ground, she lowers her pole.
“I owe you an explanation.”
“No,” she murmurs so softly I almost don’t hear her. “I know you have your reasons. I know they’re probably very self-sacrificial in comparison to my indignation, but if I’m not at the top of your list, that’s okay. I don’t need to see your list because I’m leaving. I’m making my own list, and you’re …” her voice cracks.
She inhales a shaky breath and swallows hard before biting her lips together to keep them from quivering, but I already saw them losing their battle with her emotions. Her pole is no longer pointed at my heart, but I feel it tearing through my chest with each word she speaks.
“I’m not on your list,” I say it for her.
Mr. Malone would be so proud of her for putting one foot in front of the other and walking away from a doomed relationship. He would commend her for having a list. But the man in me who simply loves this woman more than life, well … that man can’t seem to get his lungs to draw their next breath, let alone put one foot in front of the other and walk away from her.
Taking the two steps that puts me so close to her I can feel her warmth cut through the cold between us, I remove my gloves and slide off her sunglasses, revealing red, tear-filled eyes. “Where are you going?”
She swallows again and blinks more tears, silenced by her choking emotion.
“To experience the world?”
She nods once, keeping her gaze to the ground.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Henna
I’VE NEVER BEEN this sober, and I know this because I’ve never felt this kind of pain.
Bodhi slides his finger under my chin, lifting it until I look at him. I give him more tears since all the words are trapped in my throat.