by Jewel E. Ann
“I’ll j-jump, but you h-have to fight. And not because I need you to catch me. I just need you.” I lift my head, squeezing his hand as I press my lips to the back of it. “You’re the mom I lost. You’re the sister who left. You’re my friend, my father, my whole family.” My words break apart. “You’re my idol. I’d be so damn lucky to even be half the man you are.”
His shaky hand cups the back of my head and pulls me closer so he can kiss my forehead. “My boy, you’re already twice the man I am. You’re smart and kind.” He releases my head so he can look me in the eye. “And compassionate.”
I shake my head. “I won’t let you give up. I won’t let you go.”
He nods, giving me a sad smile. “I know you won’t.” Swallowing hard, he lets his gaze shift to Henna for a few seconds before returning to me. “Thank you for holding on when I wanted to let go. Thank you for loving me like that.”
I smile through my pain. Henna was right. I needed to make things right with him. “Fuck the cancer.” My hand squeezes his again. “We’ve got this.”
“Fuck the cancer,” he echoes.
I help him get ready for bed, and tonight it doesn’t feel like I’m imprisoned in this life. It doesn’t feel like a debt to pay. Helping my dad—being with my dad—feels like a privilege.
“If I can get you an appointment, I’m going to see if Etta and Henna will take you to the doctor so we can get a new game plan.”
Hope.
It feels amazing to have hope again.
Dad nods as I pull the covers over him. “Yes. It’s time for a new game plan.”
“I’d take you myself, but I need to finish the school year, and I don’t want to put this off any longer. You’re too weak and in too much pain. They need to find a solution.”
“They will.” He gives me a reassuring smile.
“Goodnight.” I shut off his light.
“Bodhi?”
I stop just shy of completely closing his door. “Yeah?”
“The girl. She’s the one.”
I grin even though he can’t see it. “She’s life,” I whisper.
That life hasn’t moved an inch from her curled-up position on the sofa. I pick her up and her sleepy eyes blink open, eyelids almost too heavy to stay open.
“You’ve been crying.” Her forehead wrinkles as she tightens her hold around my neck while I carry her up the stairs.
I nod.
“Bodhi …” She reaches for my hand after I set her on my bed.
“I need a shower.”
Henna releases my hand, lips trapped between her teeth.
“Shower with me?”
*
Henna
I LOOK UP. After a few seconds of searching Bodhi’s red eyes, I return a sad smile that mirrors the residual pain on his face. What made him cry? I have a million questions, but I don’t think he needs them right now. He just needs me, so I’m going to give him all I have to give until he hates me.
And he will hate me.
Taking his proffered hand, I follow him to the tiny bathroom. He turns on the water, letting the small space fill with steam. Without a second of hesitation, I remove my shirt. He removes his. Our locked gazes never falter. We strip and it’s the start of something physical, but I have a feeling the mark he’s getting ready to leave on me will be deep and emotional.
We step into the shower, and Bodhi closes his eyes as the water streams over his head. My hands rest on his chest, and my lips press to his sternum. “I’m sorry you’re sad. If I could take your pain away, I would.”
He tips his chin down and opens his eyes, drops of water clinging to his eyelashes. I’ve never seen him look this vulnerable.
“You were right.” He smooths my hair away from my face. “I told my dad everything I never said before, and we’re better.” He presses his forehead to mine, rolling it back and forth a few times before kissing my cheek and slowly dragging his lips along my skin to kiss my face everywhere.
“That’s good.” I slide my hands up to his shoulders, curling my fingers into his muscles when he steps closer, rubbing his erection against my belly.
“Yes.” He nips at my lips, teasing me like the fingers sliding between my legs. “I’m going to call the doctor tomorrow to see when we can start chemo again.”
What?
My fingers ease up on his shoulders, but his fingers venture farther between my legs. His breaths become ragged, his lips hungrier. Bodhi’s words swirl in my head, not making any sense, but maybe it’s just because he’s manipulating my body like only Bodhi can do.
Emotion wrestles in my chest, tugging at what I think he means and what I know can’t be true. I saw it deep in Barrett’s lifeless eyes. I heard every ounce of pain and resignation in his voice. There’s no way he agreed to chemo.
My breath catches as he palms my ass with both hands. I moan, my mind dizzy with what I’m trying to feel and what I need to figure out.
The need to feel wins over.
I reach my hands back and mold them to his over my ass.
“Too hard?” He loosens his grip a bit, pulling his head back just enough to look at me.
My fingers flex, encouraging his to do the same as I shake my head. “No.” I blink a few times and look away.
“Henna,” his voice lowers. “Are you blushing?”
My gaze lands on his again. I shrug. “I love the way your hands claim my ass like their purpose in life is to manipulate my body exactly where and how you want it.”
Bodhi’s lips stretch wide, showing all of his beautiful white teeth. “Well, my hands love the way your body bends to their demands.”
“Don’t be cocky.” I lift onto my toes and bite his bottom lip.
Those strong hands that I love on my body lift me up. Pinning me to the wall, Bodhi spreads me open, driving into me with one confident thrust.
“Jesus!” My head falls to his shoulder as I claw his back.
When I lift my head, he smirks, looking like a god who owns my world. “I think you like me cocky.”
“I like your cock in me.” I kiss his neck, running my tongue up to his chin where my teeth tease the strong angle of his jaw. One of my legs slides down to balance on my tippy toes while he cups the back of my other knee, lifting it high to keep his body wedged into mine.
“I love Hell. It’s my favorite place to be.” Bodhi takes me hard and slow, crashing his mouth to mine.
Just after midnight, we’re parked outside of my guesthouse. I promised breakfast with my mom before she leaves tomorrow, and if I stay all night with Bodhi, I’ll never make it home in time.
Bodhi opens my door.
I grin, climbing out. “Oh, now you’re a gentleman.”
He slides the hood of my sweatshirt over my still wet head and tugs on the drawstrings. “I have no idea what you mean by that.”
About twenty minutes ago, our first goodnight kiss in his driveway turned into our pants shoved down to our knees and my hands planted against the side of Alice while Mr. Gentleman gripped my hips and made the studs in the barn look like amateurs.
I’m not sure if his intensity with me tonight is really about me or his need to let everything go after talking with his dad. Nuzzling into his neck, I inhale a mix of pine, cedar, and Bodhi. It gives me a better high than any joint or edible. His chin has a few days’ worth of stubble, and his hair looks like someone ran their fingers through it a million times, tugging and pulling. I might be that someone. My hands slip into the back pockets of his jeans.
“I like you gentle. It’s sweet and my heart feels like it could burst. But …” I glance up, meeting his devilish grin.
As if to say he knows where this is going, he palms my ass much harder than my grip on his backside.
“When you need me in the moment, when you physically can’t hold back…” I wet my lips “…that’s when I feel so alive I can barely breathe past my racing pulse. I love insatiable Bodhi.”
“Insatiable.” He nods, lips twisted a bi
t. “I think that’s an incredibly accurate word for how I feel when I’m around you.”
Cocking my head a bit, I blow out a slow breath. “Tonight you felt extra insatiable and … intense. I feel like it’s because of your dad.”
He studies me for a few seconds then nods several times. “It felt like this huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.”
Maybe, just maybe Barrett had a coming-to-Jesus moment with Bodhi. Maybe Barrett decided it wasn’t time to meet his maker after all, but I doubt it. And that breaks my heart for Bodhi.
“Speaking of my dad, I need to get home. What you did to me against poor Alice back at my house has me running late tonight.”
My eyebrows inch up my forehead, jaw unhinged for a few seconds before I cough a laugh.
“Shh …” He releases my ass and presses a finger to my mouth. “Don’t say anything and ruin this moment for me.”
My agape expression shifts into a grin. I said that same thing to him when I saw Alice for the first time. “Sometimes I wonder what my heart did before I met you, besides droning to the same old beat every day.”
He slides his fingers between mine and ducks his head, closing his eyes and rubbing his nose against mine.
“What’s going through your head right now?” I whisper.
“Lyrics.”
“A song?”
He nods slowly.
“What song?”
“Our song.”
“We have a song?”
“Dave Matthews Band.”
I smile, he doesn’t have to say the title. I already know. We are Henna and Bodhi. “You and Me.”
“You and Me,” he echoes the title in a whisper before capturing my lips just like he did to my heart years ago. As we kiss one last time, I think of the lyrics—packing a bag, disappearing, taking a boat and not stopping until we’ve reached the end of the world because together we can do anything. Those words are our life when we are limitless.
CHAPTER FORTY
“GOOD MORNING. I wasn’t sure I’d see you.” Juni winks.
Fiona smiles while serving me a cup of coffee.
“You’re flying back out to California today. Of course I’d be here for breakfast with you. Why would you think otherwise?”
“I got a firsthand look at Mr. Bodhi Malone.” She grins behind her coffee mug.
My lips lose the battle at playing it cool. “It was after midnight by the time he dropped me off.”
“He’s hot.”
Here we go. The conversation I always wondered if I could have with my mom even if I think of her as Juni, my best friend. I give it a go. “Yes. He’s that and more.”
“More?” She hums. “More is good.”
I sip my coffee, feeling flushed from this topic. “More is …” My words skid to a stop before leaping off my tongue. Can I say more is what happened against the side of Alice last night?
She studies me for a few seconds. “Zach and I still go at it like rabbits.”
I choke on my coffee. “Mom!” There’s my answer. She might welcome this conversation with me, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world for having this cool mom, but I don’t think I can do this.
“Come on, Henna.” She reaches across the table and squeezes my arm. “I’ve been waiting for years to have this conversation with you. I’ve told you to live life, and sex should be one of the greatest human experiences you have. Why do you think the world is so abundantly populated? Why do you think ZIP Tunes is the most successful record label? Humans are sexual beings. We are emotional beings. When we’re not having sex, we’re thinking about sex. When we’re not thinking about sex, we’re working hard so we can have homes, beds, cars, yachts … jets.” She smirks. “And all of these are just places to have sex!”
My laugh stays in for maybe two seconds before I lose it. Juni laughs too. We laugh together until we’re in tears. I love my mom, my friend. While I know her sex speech holds a lot of truth, she preached it because she knew I needed this. After everything that happened yesterday, this sidesplitting laughter is exactly what I need.
Wiping the tears away, I giggle a few more times. My face and sides hurt from laughing so hard. “Bodhi is hot. And sexy. He’s very … generous.” My teeth dig into my bottom lip as I gauge her reaction. I can’t believe I’m telling her this, but I am. “He touches me like he owns every part of my body and his large hands do it quite well. It’s confident and so fucking sexy. Sometimes it’s gentle as if we have something emotional to say, but we can’t find the words. And sometimes it’s …”
I’m on fire. Fiona could fry an egg on my cheeks.
“Raw.” Juni finishes my thoughts. “Primal. Like it pisses you off that you can’t get any closer. Every sense comes to life, hungry to be satisfied. And when you’re close to that moment, you don’t give a single fuck about anything else in the world. Your brain shuts down, lending every ounce of energy to taking and giving the most indescribable pleasure.”
My mouth hangs open, hands wrapped around my coffee mug.
Juni lifts an eyebrow. “And if it’s not like that for you, then we need to talk some more because it should be like that. Don’t settle for anything less.”
I continue to stare at her.
“God …” She shakes her head. “Of all the mornings for you to be sober. This is the one when I wish your tongue was a little more relaxed.”
I chuckle, coming out of my stupor. “Fine. What do you want to know? Is sex with Bodhi good? Yes. It’s mind-bending. What’s my favorite part? When he goes down on me followed by that first thrust when he’s inside of me while I’m still feeling the effects from my orgasm. It’s when I feel completely possessed by him. Does he hold me when it’s over? Yes. We sleep tangled in each other’s arms. But …”
Juni hasn’t blinked. She’s eating every morsel of information I give her while resting her elbows on the table, face perched in her hands like she can’t keep her head up. And maybe she can’t. I just gave her a mother lode of information about my sex life.
“But …” She almost chokes on the word.
Have I rendered the confident super model speechless?
“But it’s more. It’s just more, and that more can’t be defined.” I swallow hard as my eyes fill with a new kind of tears, and my lower lip starts to tremble.
“Sweetie.” She gets up and comes around to my side of the table and hugs me from behind my chair, resting her chin on my shoulder. “What’s going on?’
“I’m going to lose him.” I choke on the last word and shake with a silent sob.
“No. Why would you lose him?”
Because I’m going to help his father die, and he’s not going to see it as Barrett setting him free … he’s going to hate me—the kind of hate that’s greater than any love.
“When his dad dies, I think it will change us.”
Mom squeezes me tighter. “Ridiculous. He will need you more than ever before.”
Closing my eyes, I let her comfort me even if she has no idea what that really means right now.
*
I GET TO Bodhi’s house just as he reaches the end of the gravel drive at the main road. When he sees me, the huge grin on his face feels like a knife in my heart. He stops and gets out. Before I can say good morning, he has my face cradled in his hands, and his lips are fused to mine.
No lemon yet. He’s all minty and his skin has that fresh, after-shower woodsy scent. I tell my hands to stay out of his hair since he’s on his way to work, but they don’t listen very well. He moans when I claim his slightly longer hair in my fists, deepening the kiss because every one of them feels like the last one.
“Good morning, Hell,” he whispers, releasing my lips.
“Morning.” I grin, stepping back to give my head some oxygen before I pass out. “You look sexy as fuck, Mr. Malone. I kinda want to pay a visit to your place of business and test out those cafeteria tables for weight load.”
He adjusts himself while shaking his head. “Yo
u’re going to destroy me. You know that, right?”
My heart pauses for a few seconds. He has no idea just how much I’m going to destroy him, and not in a sexy way.
“Is it wrong that I want Gail to know what we did against Alice last night?”
He looks at his watch then palms the back of my head, stealing one last kiss that leaves my knees wobbling a bit. “I’d be disappointed if you didn’t want her to know.” He grins. “Gotta go. Etta made oatmeal. See if you can get my dad to eat some. I left a message with his doctor’s office this morning. Can you please go with Etta to take him to his appointment if they can get him in today?”
I nod slowly as he gets into the driver’s seat.
“Thank you so much. You’re the best.”
I’m not.
“Have a good day. Don’t let any skanky hoes in your office.”
He pauses just before closing the door. A smile rides up his face. “Jealous?”
“Don’t play with me, Mr. Malone. Your hands belong to my ass.”
His gaze strips me in one heated sweep of my body. “Oh, Henna, we’re definitely going to play later. But for now, I have to be professional and a gentleman.” Bodhi shuts his door and mouths I love you as he pulls out onto the main road.
On a deep sigh, I make my way down to the house. As expected, it smells like oatmeal with lots of cinnamon as I slip off my shoes and set down my bag inside the door.
“Good morning.”
Etta turns from the stove. “Good morning. Oatmeal?”
“I’m good for now. I had an early breakfast with my mom.”
She turns off the gas burner and grabs her cup of coffee. “What you both did yesterday—”
I cut her off with a quick head shake. “Etta, we did nothing compared to all you did and what you endured. I’m a little surprised to see you here today.”
“Barrett and I are good.” She gives me a sad smile. “I’ve been through a lot with him. My reaction yesterday was grief for him and his struggle more than the breakdown that he had over the food I made. It’s incredibly difficult to watch him fall apart and not be able to do anything to help him.”
“It is.” I nod, thinking of what we can do to help him. “He still asleep?”