by Jewel E. Ann
“So … how are you going to hold off on the surgery?”
“I told him I wanted to wait until Bella comes to visit. That will buy me a week. If I can convince her to stay for a week and not end up in the hospital again, that will get me my prescription. But I need other doctors. I already know mine won’t do it. Religious reasons.”
“My mom is looking into this. And she’s flying back this weekend to see you.” I shut off the stove and take a seat next to Barrett. “Can you tell me why you want to see my mom?”
“I could.” He reaches for his tea again, and I hand it to him. “But I’m not going to.”
I roll my eyes. After a few minutes of tea sipping in silence, I glance up at him. “Are you scared?”
He chuckles a little. “No. Pain robs you of that kind of fear.”
I’m familiar with that.
“Eventually the only thing you fear is—”
“The never-ending pain.” I finish for him because I know, at least in part, what he’s feeling. “It’s weird, planning your death. Don’t you think?”
“It’s not as much fun as planning a party or a vacation.” He smiles. It’s more relaxed.
“Have you thought about how you’re going to do it? Like … are you going to take it as soon as you have the prescription? I’d say you should plan a special last meal, but you can’t keep much down, so that sucks.”
“Haven’t given it much thought. I suppose I’ll just know when the time is right.”
“Are you going to tell me?” My knee starts to bounce. The timing of Barrett’s death is giving me some serious anxiety. Maybe I need a cup of cannabis tea too.
“Do you want me to tell you?”
“Yes. No.” I cringe. “I don’t know.”
He nods thoughtfully as if my indecisiveness makes sense. “Well, you have a little time to figure that out. I think it’s best if nobody knows, if you just trust me to do it when I feel it’s time.”
“Probably a good idea. But … like will you give me a little heads-up?” My bouncing knee speeds up.
Another soft chuckle escapes his chest.
“It freaks me out to think about walking into a room with a dead body. No offense.”
“None taken.” He has a little sparkle in his eyes.
I’m glad I amuse him.
“My boy—he loves you.”
His words catch me off guard. A warmth spreads across my skin.
“He can’t keep his eyes off you. While he’s watching you, I’m watching him. I’d say that’s how I used to look at my wife, but I’m not sure I’ve seen anyone look at someone like Bodhi looks at you. He was a miserable pain in my ass those years you were gone. It didn’t make sense until you came back. With you, he’s living his best life. Without you, I’m not sure he’s living at all.”
He won’t always look at me like that, but I don’t say that to Barrett. I think he has enough emotional shit going on planning his death. “There’s been so many times that I’ve thought this … this is the moment I’ve officially fallen in love with Bodhi Malone. But every time I think it, I realize that it’s not true because I feel certain I loved him before now. How can I feel like I’ve loved him forever when I haven’t known him forever?”
“It’s how love should be—no beginning and no end.”
I return an easy nod. “If only life could extend the same courtesy.”
“Nah … the earth would be overpopulated. If you believe in the circle of life, then it, too, really has no beginning and no end.”
Leaning forward, I rest my hand on Barrett’s hand. “I’m going to miss you. Our conversations. Getting high just to give the middle finger to our lows.”
“Thank you. I’ve enjoyed our time together as well. So very much.” He rests his other hand on mine. “I won’t ask you to bury my body in the back of the house, but in the end table drawer I have my stash. While others are grieving, I want you to smoke, laugh, kick back on the porch, and know that I’m one of the brightest stars in the sky winking at you each night.”
“A star winking at me.” I grin. “I like that.”
The timer on the stove beeps.
“Dinnertime. You need to try to keep some broth down.”
He scratches his chin. “So I can live long enough to die on my own terms.”
Grunting a laugh, I nod. “Yes. That.”
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
BY THE END of the week, thanks to my mom, Barrett has two physicians willing to honor his oral request for physician-assisted death. There’s a waiting period, and he’ll need to submit a written request as well.
My mom’s plane should be landing soon, and she’s supposed to come straight here to meet with Barrett privately per his request—something Bodhi knows nothing about.
“Juni is coming by in a bit. Is that okay?” I ask as he buttons his jeans while I lie on his bed with one arm propped behind my head, enjoying the view.
“Of course it’s okay. Is there a special reason for her visit?”
Damn! Will looking at his sexy body with my name on it ever get old?
“If you’re going to stare at me this much, I might have to charge admission into my bedroom.”
I grin, lifting my gaze to meet his smirk. “I’d pay full price.”
“Okay, big spender. Now…” he slips on a blue Henley tee “…what’s the reason for your mom’s visit?”
“She’s going to hang out with your dad while I show you something.”
His eyebrows lift a fraction. “Show me something, huh?”
I nod, trapping my lower lip to hide my grin from his suggestive look.
Bodhi kneels at the end of his bed and grabs my ankles, tugging me until my butt is at the end of the bed.
“That’s not what I’m planning on showing you.” I giggle.
He hooks my legs over his shoulders so I’m spread open for him. When he looks at my exposed flesh like it’s something he craves, I start to tingle and feel a heaviness work its way down my body. My lips part as my breaths quicken.
“Bodhi …” I whisper.
“I know, I know. This isn’t what you want to show me. Fine.” He grins, standing while my legs flop off the end of the bed.
“Oh my god! You’re evil. Pure evil.” I smack him with the pillow, but he turns to the side to avoid the direct hit.
“What do you want to show me?” He continues to chuckle as I swat him several more times.
“Nothing but my knee in your nuts for teasing me.”
Bodhi snatches the pillow from me and tosses it on the floor before pinning me to the bed. “Good morning, beautiful.” He rubs his nose against mine as his pelvis rocks into me.
He’s going to have evidence of me on his jeans. How much evidence depends on how much longer he continues to dry hump me. I’m still pissed off at him for teasing me, but I’m also feeling desperate for a release.
“Good morning.” I lift my head to capture his lips before he attempts to get away. My legs wrap around his backside just for good measure.
Our tongues do their favorite dance while fully clothed Bodhi grinds against completely naked me. I moan into our kiss as my orgasm builds again. He releases my wrists and slides one hand under me to grab my ass, guiding me exactly how he wants me to move against him, angling my hips so that the swollen head of his erection rubs my entrance.
We continue this erotic dance against his denim shield until he throws out a frustrated fuck and tries to hold his weight over me with one hand while his other hand fumbles with his jeans.
I put him out of his misery by unfastening them and pushing them down just far enough to release his hard cock. Before I can tease it, or even get a quick glance at it, he plunges into me with a more satisfied fuck and a slack jaw.
And fuck we do—hard and fast while sharing intimate smiles between kisses. I love these smiles. They’re the subtle strokes of our love amidst a very bold painting of a crazy life together. These smiles say I love you beyond reason.
&
nbsp; It’s a good morning. A really, really good morning.
*
“HEY, SWEETIE.” JUNI kisses my cheek when I open the door.
“Thank you for everything,” I whisper next to her ear when we embrace.
She nods without saying a word as Bodhi walks up behind me.
“Juni, thanks for coming by to stay with my dad.”
She glances at me.
I wrap my arm around Bodhi’s waist. “Yes. It’s so kind of you to stay with Barrett while I show Bodhi the surprise.”
“Surprise,” she says slowly as I pin a tight-lipped smile to my face. “It’s no problem.”
“Come in. He’s just had a little breakfast. Hopefully he keeps it down.” Bodhi winks at his dad as we enter the living room.
It’s such an everything-is-going-to-be-okay wink. Who knew a wink could feel like a jab to my heart?
“Hello, again. I’m going to do my best not to embarrass myself this time.” Barrett turns on the charm even under such grave circumstances.
“Hi.” Juni smiles. “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. You look a little better today?”
“It’s a new aftershave.” He rubs his chin and neck.
Juni laughs.
“Is John still outside?” I ask.
“Yes, dear.”
“Great. I’ll have him drive us to see Bodhi’s surprise. Be back in an hour … or two,” I declare as I wait for Barrett to give me a sign as to if he needs an hour or two.
He gives me no sign. Two hours it is.
“Call us if there’s any issues.” Bodhi and my mom trade glances.
“We’ll be fine,” she assures him.
Bodhi follows me out front where John opens the SUV’s back door. “I’ve never been driven like this before. Or in a fancy SUV for that matter.”
I kick the tire to the Land Rover. “This old thing doesn’t have anything on Alice.”
He grins while nodding at John as I scoot across the backseat.
“Does the surprise involve anything illegal?”
“Illegal. Forbidden. Taboo. Basically, you’re asking if the surprise is fun.” I grab his hand and squeeze it. “To the main house, please, John.”
John nods and puts the Land Rover in drive.
Bodhi tosses me a narrow-eyed glance, lips twisted to the side. He’s dying to say something, but it must not be appropriate for John’s ears. Within a few minutes, we’ve pulled in front of the main house.
“Thank you, John.”
“Thanks,” Bodhi echoes me as we hop out.
“We’re going to have sex in your parents’ bed, aren’t we?”
I snort a laugh. “That wasn’t the plan. But clearly it’s on your mind, even after what happened…” I glance at my watch “…less than an hour ago.” I open the front door.
Bodhi’s gaze sweeps the grand two-story entry. “Such a different world,” he mutters.
“Same world. Bigger house. More is just more. It’s not better. It’s not anything to envy, unless you’re comparing a single-serving bag of chips to a large bag of chips. Then more is obviously better.”
“Damn, I love you.” Bodhi follows me down the hallway by the kitchen.
I grin even though he can’t see it. He’s going to love me harder in about ten seconds.
“The basement? Their bedroom is in the basement?”
I lead him down the stairs as motion-sensor lights illuminate our path. “Still thinking about more sex, huh?”
“Always.” He tugs on my ponytail. When we reach the bottom of the stairs, his eyebrows leap up to his forehead as his jaw falls to the ground.
“You can’t be shocked that the owner of a record label has a recording studio in his basement.”
Bodhi’s head inches side to side a few times. Then he nods just as slowly. “I probably shouldn’t be, but I am.” He walks to the glass door of the soundproof room and opens it.
I follow him, feeling like I’m watching a young child on Christmas morning. He inspects the row of guitars, the keyboard, the photos of all the famous musicians who have been in this basement. Then … he takes a seat at the drums.
“Make it a good one, Malone.” I grin.
He caresses the drumsticks much like his hands have touched my body so many times. I might even be a little jealous of them at the moment. His foot starts the slow, deep rhythm of the base drum like a heartbeat. I slide onto the bench by the keyboard and watch his sticks hit the toms, the snare drum, the crash of the cymbals. It builds until his whole body moves in sync, each part effortlessly doing its thing.
Bodhi’s head bobs, eyes closed. He never misses a beat. By the time he flies through the finale and sets the sticks down with such reverence, it takes me a few moments to find a single word. They’re not the words I ever imagined saying, and maybe they’re even a bit too raw and honest.
I say them anyway, in a whisper to myself that he can hear. “You were a rock star, and you fucked it up.”
Reality pulls at his brow as he returns a single nod. “I was a rock star, and I fucked it up. I had a fully functional father and I fucked him up. I had dreams, and I fucked them up. Does that make me a fuckup?”
Making my way across the room, I straddle his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing his cheek, his nose, and the corner of his mouth. “It makes you human.”
“Human,” he whispers.
“Bodhi, you’re a guidance counselor. How does one go from owning the stage to counseling kids and fixing schedules?” I grin. “Was your Plan B really what you’re doing now? Did you think, I want to be a rock star OR a guidance counselor?”
He grabs my ass and pulls me closer so I don’t fall off his lap. Burying his nose in my hair, he exhales, pressing his lips to my neck. “My mom told me to make a difference. She told me my greatness didn’t die when we fell down the stairs. I was a drug addict in high school. I even asked for help once from my guidance counselor. She said she would get me some help, but then she went into labor, and I never got that help. Never asked the substitute counselor. I just … got drunk and high with my bandmates.”
“So you chose to become a guidance counselor because you’re a guy and you’ll never take maternity leave?”
His laughter vibrates against my skin. “God, I love you. You get me. You just … get me.” After a few minutes of us just being us, Bodhi lifts his head, bringing us face to face. “Thank you for this. I haven’t played in years.”
“You’re welcome.” I return the same affectionate smile as though I’d been planning this surprise for a long time, instead of the truth which is I needed a distraction so Juni and Barrett could talk in private.
Gah! I wonder what he’s saying to her? She’ll tell me. We’re best friends. She has to tell me.
“Let’s make a song together. Jump on the keyboard or play something on a guitar, and I’ll join you.”
Poor guy. He has no clue.
“I don’t play.”
“What do you mean?”
I shrug. “I mean, I don’t play.”
“Just do something simple like Chopsticks.”
“Can’t. I’ve never played Chopsticks.”
“How the hell is that possible?” His head cants to the side. “You always have music playing. You live with earbuds in your ears.”
“I love music, but it’s not my art.”
“Henna, your dad was a drummer. Your parents conceived you at a music festival. This makes no sense.”
Another shrug. “You know the saying: Those who can, do. Those who can’t, don’t.”
Bodhi chuckles. “Yeah, that’s the saying.”
“Besides, even if I could master Chopsticks, it would be ridiculous. Like … me asking you to create a sketch with me and you saying you can’t. I wouldn’t tell you to draw a few stick figures. No. Just … no.”
“It’s a foundation. I can build on it.” He lifts me off his lap and pulls me to the keyboard. “Two fingers. Start here. I know you have rhythm.”
Bodhi stands behind me, grabbing my index fingers and moving them along the keys to play Chopsticks. After a few times through, it’s like riding a bike. He releases my fingers, and I play it on my own. “Keep going.”
He runs over to the drum set and adds a beat and some more rhythm. Bodhi makes Chopsticks sound crazy cool. I can’t stop grinning as we stare at each other to the rock version of Chopsticks.
Bodhi mouths I love you.
And of course … I die.
*
AFTER A SOLID two hours of playing in the recording studio, John drives us back to Bodhi’s house. Juni and Barrett are all smiles. It makes me uneasy. Bodhi just thinks our parents hit it off really well. Since Bodhi needs to give Barrett a bath, I ride home with my mom, waiting until we’re at the dining room table to ask the question.
“So, what did he need to talk to you about?”
Fiona sets down two salads in front of us.
Juni smiles and thanks her before giving me her full attention. “He wanted to personally thank me for what I’ve done. And for raising such a loving daughter.” She takes a bite of her salad.
“And?”
Wiping her mouth with a white cloth napkin, she mumbles, “And what?”
“You didn’t need to fly home and have privacy for Barrett to thank you. That’s an email or a quick phone conversation. What aren’t you telling me? There has to be more.”
“You know, I feel like you don’t understand the definition of private.”
My eyes widen. “I feel like you don’t understand the definition of best friends. There’s only one definition for best friends: two people who tell each other everything. Go ahead, check Merriam-Webster.”
Juni grins, sipping her red wine. “All I can say is that if Bodhi adores you even half as much as Barrett, then you are a lucky girl.”
I’m turning a blind eye to a man getting ready to end his life. Being adored by him is not such a great thing for my heart or my conscience.
“Bodhi played the drums for me. He’s so good.”
“Good as in Zach needs to hear him?”
My lips roll between my teeth as I shake my head. “Yes, that good. But he’s a drummer, not really a singer so much. And I’m not sure finding him a band is a good idea or even what he wants in life at this point.” I shrug. “It’s weird. I don’t know what he wants in life. I’m not sure he knows or has even given himself a chance to think beyond his life at this moment. And maybe that’s okay. Ya know? It’s what makes his love for me so special.”